Choosing Your Yes and Protecting Your No: A Caregiver’s Guide to Boundaries and Energy

Caregivers make hundreds of decisions every single day.

Appointments.
 Medications.
 Phone calls.
 Family needs.
 Work responsibilities.

And somewhere along the way, many caregivers get used to saying yes to everything.

Yes to the extra task.
 Yes to the extra responsibility.
 Yes to being the one who always handles it.

But every yes comes with a hidden trade.

When you say yes to everything, you quietly say no to your energy, rest, and mental space.

In this bonus episode of The Caregiver Cup Podcast, we’re talking about a simple but powerful practice that can help caregivers reduce overwhelm and reclaim clarity — creating a Yes List and a No List.

You’ll learn:

✨ Why decision fatigue hits caregivers so hard
 ✨ How your brain responds to clarity vs. overwhelm
 ✨ How to identify what truly deserves your energy this week
 ✨ Why saying no can actually improve your caregiving experience
 ✨ How protecting your time and mental space creates room for joy and support

Cathy also shares a personal story from her caregiving journey with her mom and how saying no to certain responsibilities actually opened the door for more family support and deeper connection.

This episode is a gentle mindset reset and a reminder that:

You don’t have to do everything.

You get to choose what matters most.

Because every intentional yes builds a steadier caregiving rhythm…
and every protective no helps sustain the caregiver behind the care.

Transcript

Framing The Power Of Yes And No

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello, my friend. Today I want to talk about two very small words that quietly shape your entire week. They are yes and no. They're simply words, but they carry a lot of power. So that's what this episode is all about today. We're going to talk about this yes and no list in the season, episode season. And I want to welcome you, my friend. It's Kathy here of the Caregiver Cup podcast. So let's just dive in. Research shows the average person makes thousands of decisions each day. And every one of those decisions is essentially a trait. When you say yes to something, you are actually saying no to something else. Yes to a task and no to rest. Yes to an obligation and no to time for yourself. Yes to helping somebody else. No to protecting your energy. And here's the reality for caregivers. Most caregivers, like you and I, don't struggle with saying yes. We struggle with stopping. I want to just pause here a minute to let you take that in. We struggle with saying yes. We do, I'm sorry, we don't struggle with saying yes, but we struggle with stopping. We say yes to appointments, yes to logistics, yes to advocacy, yes to I'll take care of it, yes to don't worry, I've got it. But we rarely stop and ask ourselves, is this yes costing me something? And we rarely practice saying no without over-explaining, over apologizing, or feeling guilty. Studies around decision fatigue that when we carry too much decisions in our head, the stress increases and the emotional resilience that we have drops, which is why clarity matters. Your brain loves clarity, ambiguity drains energy, but clarity reserves energy. So today, to give you something simple, you could so today I want to give you something simple, so that you can use it this week. And that is a yes list and a guild-free no list. Before we start writing them, I want you to do something for a moment. Think about something you recently said yes to. How did your body feel in or how did you feel in your body? Did it feel aligned or did it feel tight? Especially those unexpected yeses. Now think about something you said no to recently. Did you feel relief or did you feel guilt? Our bodies often tell us the truth before our words do. So in this short bonus episode, which is episode 10 today, we're going to reset the week with two simple questions. What deserves your yes this week? And what quietly deserves your no this week? Because every yes is a trade, like I said, and every no protects something important to us. Before we even talk about these lists, I want to explain why this works so well for caregivers. Because this isn't just productivity. Your brain loves clarity. Ambiguity, like I said, drains energy. Clarity conserves energy. Here's why the brain is constantly trying to solve problems and anticipate what's next. For caregivers, this mental load is even heavier. Think about your tracking. You're probably tracking appointments and trying to juggle how you're going to fit whatever you do. Maybe you're working a full-time job and maybe you're, you know, taking care of your loved one and doing other things. So you're juggling appointments, you're thinking about medications and administering those. You're looking at your loved one's symptoms, you're managing those, you're managing insurance and all that administrative and the billing stuff that comes through. You're juggling your own schedule. And if you have a family, your family's schedule and your children's schedules, you're juggling and tracking meals and what do we have enough groceries? What are we going to have for dinner tonight? Do I do I have lunch ready for them tomorrow? Your your work responsibilities, your family needs, and so on. Think about all the things that you're tracking in your head and making sure things run smoothly. You're managing, you're managing that in your life. If you're a wife and a mom and a caregiver and a worker and so on. And often you're doing all of that while emotionally processing uncertainty for your loved one, especially, or maybe for your days going forward. Your brain is constantly scanning for what else needs to happen. And that's exhausting. When things stay vague in your head, like I should probably do this, or maybe I should help with this. Your brain keeps reopening the loop and it keeps doing that. Or, like for me, sometimes I'm like, I was supposed to do something now, I forgot. And then all of a sudden it pops up at the most inopportune time. Maybe it's in the middle of the night, maybe it's while you're in uh in intense situation. And psychologists call this cognitive load or decision fatigue. Every open decision uses energy. But when you write something down, like a yes list or a no list, something powerful happens. Your brain can stop scanning for that decision because you have it written down and you know what you're going to do. You've already decided, and clarity allows your brain to relax. Here's just a simple example. I actually have a couple of examples. Think about food. When you focus on what you can't eat, your brain feels restricted. But when you focus on what you can eat, it feels open. Kind of like, you know, like maybe you're maybe you went to the doctor and they said to you, oh, your blood sugar is too high. You're going to have to start changing your diet. And so right away you're thinking, oh, I can't have that piece of chocolate. I can't have, you know, the pasta all the time because it's got too much sugar in it, whatever it would be. Instead, focus on what you can eat, which makes it feel open and the same reality, but a different uh uh training or framing. Your brain prefers clear options over vague restrictions. And so you start planning what you can eat. Another example, which I think a lot of you are doing already as caregivers, especially if you've been listening to any of my podcast episodes over the last almost six years. Gratitude works the same way. Your brain is naturally wired to scan for problems. That's a survival instinct that you have. But when you intentionally focus on what went well today, something shifts. Your brain begins to notice more positive moments. The negativity doesn't disappear, but they stop dominating your attention and your brain starts balancing a better picture. So why this matters for US caregivers is because we're constantly problem solving and we're in constantly in problem-solving mode. And when everything feels urgent, everything becomes a yes. Or sometimes you can't even see outside of all of the things that you have to do, and you don't even see the possibilities of things that maybe you can delegate or say no to. That's when exhaustion creeps in. And exhaustion for some of us turns to just stress and fatigue. But for some of us, exhaustion gets to the point where we're we're checking out or we're resentful. So the yes list and the no list do something simple but powerful. They tell your brain, these things matter this week. These things do not, or these things I can do this week, or these things that I'm going to go ahead and see if I can get help with. And suddenly this mental noise gets quieter. Not because caregiving is easy, because we know that, but because your mind is clearer. So now let's talk about this yes list. And I want to say something right away. Your yes list is not a to-do list. Caregivers already have plenty of things on it. I just want you to think of this yes list as it is all about intentional energy. It answers one simple question. And that is what actually deserves my energy this week. And that might be a better way to create your yes list is what actually deserves my energy this week. Because when you're caregiving, everything can start to feel urgent. And obviously, you're human and you only can do a certain amount before you're going to get exhausted. So appointments feel urgent, right? Emails might feel urgent if you are waiting for specific things. But remember, like I have a Google Drive where I get my Gmail mail and they're categories. And so when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I don't look at the promotional. I put them into categories, but I only look at the urgent ones and the updates ones, and then I scan it. So and get to those. Now, request for others feel urgent, house tasks feel urgent. And when everything feels urgent, we default to yes, I have to do it all. But when everything is a yes, nothing actually feels chosen. When everything is a yes, nothing feels chosen. A yes list helps you pause and decide what actually matters this week. I've listened to so many different podcasts, and what comes to mind is like Rachel Hollis, um she, and this is years ago, but when I was trying to balance my caring for my mom and Dennis at the same time, I was working full time and I was doing this podcast. I wanted to do it all. And so instead of, because what I did is I listed out everything that I had for the entire week. I'd sit Sunday night and list them all out, and the list seemed huge. And when I heard her say, each day, list your top three priorities or your three yeses for the day. And if you get it a third or fourth or a fifth one, that's great. But if you don't, you're gonna feel good about these were the three priorities I had to get done today. What actually matters this week? Not someday, not theorically, um, not this, not you know, just this week. So what might be on your yes list? Your your yes list should be short, kind of like I said, maybe your top three to five, not 15, but research on goal setting shows something interesting. When people narrow these priorities, few priorities, follow through improves dramatically. If you have too many goals, you overwhelm your brain, you start beating yourself up for not finishing everything. And a short list gives your brain clarity and momentum. Um, your yes list may include like I have to go to a medical appointment today and take my loved one or go myself. That truly matters. Not every appointment, though, is required, not every possible appointment, but the one that needs your attention this week. Maybe it's a follow-up, a test result conversation, or advocating for your loved one. If you remember, I talked about Dennis and he would sometimes go by himself so that I could look at another priority for the week. But when you have a clear one that you need to go to from an advocacy perspective or a conversation, that's a clear yes. It might include one joy moment. If you remember, we talked about that. Oh, way back, what is it, two, um, oh, last week. Okay. Last week we talked about one joy practice. Maybe what you're saying to, you know, on Monday or on Tuesday or on Wednesday, I'm going to take a walk, or I'm going to do one song break or one quiet coffee moment, not because you have the extra time, but because your well-being deserves space. You need recharge time. Your yes list might include one conversation that fills you up. Maybe it's a friend or a sibling, someone who understands what you're carrying. Uh, maybe you have a um, because I get invited to a couple of caregiver groups. And so I every week I look at what do I have as priorities? Can I attend it? What are they talking about this week, too? That for me that matters the most too, because I want to go where it's going to make an impact for me. It's and so it's not a draining conversation, it's a grounding one where I'm I'm going to have. Or maybe your yes list includes one system you're setting up today. If you go back to episode eight when we talked about it, maybe you're going to dedicate your time one time this week where you're going to go ahead and automate the prescription drug refills. Sure, it's going to cost you a little bit of time, but it's going to help you in weeks and months to come. Maybe you're going to figure out grocery pickup and you're going to create your grocery list online. And the first time it's going to be hectic and and and taking a lot of time. But then every time then you can go through and you can look at that list and say yes or no. Or for me, I don't do grocery pickup, but I did create my grocery list. The things that I normally get every week. And so I have a hard copy of that, which allows me to cross it off or check it and saying this is what I need. So I don't have to create a grocery list from scratch. Yes, I know I'm anal, but I love it. Um, maybe it's automating one bill so that you don't forget that bill anymore. Think about what you could do. Or maybe it you say yes to something that you're protecting one boundary. It's a simple, a simply protecting one boundary. No answering texts after a certain time in the evening or while you're working during the day. Now, what I did for my what I did for my loved ones is I went ahead and looked at all my contacts and I put emergency contacts that would override my my do not disturbs or whatever or it bring a different way. And so that allowed me to go ahead and simply screen my calls or screen my texts. If they weren't of importance, then they the notifications never came up. So maybe that's something. Um, maybe you're protecting your energy by not taking on an extra task. Maybe you've always volunteered for an event every year. Well, this year I'm not going to. I'm going to take a break because it's been a rough season. Maybe a boundary is I'm not simply going to explain myself. You don't have to explain yourself for saying I can't, or it's not going to work for me. Something that sometimes the most powerful yes is one you give to your own limits and you do that. The yes lift shifts you from reacting to choosing. Instead of uh of the week running you, you begin shaping your week. Obviously, we can't we can't control everything perfectly, but we can try. We can try to be intentional about some things. For example, my mom always had to have her hair done on Fridays. And I had to work full time. And so I started shaping that differently, saying, you know, could my brother do it? Could a neighbor do it? Um, I told her I could only do it at a specific time and day, that kind of thing. And when you do things like this, you're you it reduces stress and it really improves your follow-through of everything. Now, let's talk about the other side of the list, that no list. And I want to say something clear here. The no list is not negative, it's protective. If the yes list answers what deserves your energy this week, the no list will say what drains your energy that does not actually need to happen this week. Because every time you say yes to something unnecessary, you are quietly saying no to something that matters more. Think about it. If you have everything planned this week and something unexpected happens, it throws everything off. And you have to ask yourself, can it wait? Or do I really need to go ahead and rearrange my schedule? You are quietly saying no to something that matters more. You're saying no to your rest, your peace, your joy, your mental space. And I sometimes do it myself. I put the pressure on myself and make a decision. And I'm like, why do I need to do that this week? Why do I need to start this project this week? Or why do I have to go ahead and put one more podcast episode in my on my plate this week when I know it's going to stress me out? And caregivers feel this feeling, well, when we say yes out of habit, yes, because we're used to being the one who handles things, yes, because we don't want to disappoint someone, yes, because we think it's easier if I just do it. But those small yeses really add up and they quietly drain the tank. They drain your tank. Your no list identifies things that don't deserve your energy right now. For example, overexplaining your decision, doom scrolling when you're already tired, one draining conversation that can wait, and you know those folks that you talk to that drain your conversation, or maybe it's maybe it's a frustrating bill that is just hanging over your head. Well, you know what? Wait until your energy levels a little bit better, or maybe there's somebody that can look into it for you before you have to go ahead and do all the investigation. Another example, volunteer volunteering for something extra this week, especially if you don't have the time or the energy. Cleaning something that isn't urgent, watching the news late at night, especially now when things are very chaotic and very negative, maybe. It's time for you not to do that. Carrying guilt for taking care of yourself. Sometimes the no list isn't about other people. Sometimes it's about saying no to habits that steal your energy. And that's what I was getting at with some of those. Yeah, maybe it is a habit that you need to let go of, like scrolling or watching the news or whatever it would be. This whole season, um, we've been building this together. Your no list is boundaries and protecting your time, mental space protecting, protecting your joy or protecting joy, because joy and recovery require space. And space only exists when something else is removed. And if you can go ahead and say, personally, what I am what am I doing right now that I don't need to be doing? What could or what could I do better? You know, that kind of thing. Burnout doesn't only come from doing hard things, it comes from doing too many things without recovery time. And I know what you're thinking right now. I I have to do all these things. And maybe you do, but do you have the recovery times rebound from it? Because chronic overcommitment drains emotional resilience. Your no list creates recovery space. It's not forever, it's just for now. We often think about or think of no as a rejection, but it's really protection. Protection of your energy, protection of your priorities, protection of the things you said yes to. Now, here's an example that just pops into my head right now. Last year, when I had to be away for three months, it broke my heart that I didn't garden. I wanted to garden so bad, and I wanted to hang all of my hanging baskets, and I'm like 20-some hanging baskets in my yard, and I have perennials and I have annuals and I have pots and I have tons of stuff. And I wanted to plant them all and then ask people to water, and then when I came home, I could take care of them. But I had to make the hard decision to say no because I would be using too much energy trying to go ahead and keep them all alive until I was home. And then when I was home, it requires me probably an hour every day to be out in my garden watering and and tending to them and you know, deadheading flowers and stuff like that. And like I needed to protect my energy, and this year I can't wait. I can go back to it. Instead, and when I got home, I planted just a couple of pots just so that I would have a little bit of joy, but I had to adjust it. Every no is a boundary, protecting a deeper yes. And for me, that deeper yes was going ahead and protecting my energy and focusing on what I needed to do in that season. So I want to talk about why is this so hard, though? If you're listening and thinking this sounds good, but saying no feels really hard, well, you're not alone. Caregiving and caregiver struggles with no one with no because when we feel this struggle, we we fear disappointing people. We feel responsibility for everything. We equate self-sacrifice with love. And many of us have been the strong one for so long that stepping back feels unnatural. I know I've gotten a couple fan mail or text messages from you saying, I know I do this because I'm a people pleaser. Yeah, we do it because caregiving is this wonderful gift that we give to our loved ones, and we feel like we have a purpose, but we have to be careful how we take it. So we default to yes. Yes, I'll do that extra test, yes to that extra visit, yes to that extra responsibility, not because we have the energy, but because we feel like we should. But saying yes to everything doesn't actually make caregiving better. Sometimes it makes it heavier, stressful. I was gonna say stressfuler, but that's not a word. When you are exhausted and overextended, running on fumes, you can't show up as your best self. But when you protect your energy, you bring a better version of yourself into the relationship. More patience, more presence, more steadiness. You can handle the crabbiness of your loved one or the pushback or an extra comment better. And sometimes you can even you can even feel more joy. I think back to caregiving season with my mom, and I cannot believe it's it's it's been a couple years now. There were things I simply could not do anymore. I couldn't take her to her hair appointments because I was working full time and she had to go at nine o'clock on a Friday. I couldn't stop over every evening where she wanted me to stop over after work and visit her every night. I had Dennis at home. I had I had other things that I had to manage. At first, saying no felt so uncomfortable, but something beautiful happened. It opened up the door for others to step in. When I said I couldn't be there every night, I couldn't get her to every single appointment, I couldn't take her grocery shopping when she couldn't drive anymore all the time. I needed help. And what was funny is my brother, when I talked to my brother about it, he started looking at when he could do things and started balancing that. And my mom started building a better relationship with my brother, and they went out for lunch and so on. Um, they called it, okay, we're gonna have our lunch date today. The grandkids started rotating, visiting her. What I did is I put out like a little little message in our group and said, Grandma's lonely during the evenings every every every night. Not saying that she wants visitors every night, but maybe you maybe we all rotate and we visit her once a week as grandkids, and they all stepped up. They all stepped up. My mom was going out for dinner, or they was bringing home things. Once in a while, my mom would cook for them, and it started giving her visitors. And then the neighbors, I started reaching out to neighbors and finding out that one of the neighbors went to the same hairdresser, and so they were able to connect when my brother couldn't take her for rides. The neighbors started connecting with her and knocking on her door and um helping her out, and vice versa. When my mom was feeling good in her apartment complex, she was doing the same thing, and so it was nice to be able to go ahead and that and have that. Instead of having the guilt feelings, um, and instead of having less connections, my mom started having more, more relationships. She shared more moments. What felt like a limiting limitation actually extended her circle of care. And so I had to think outside of the box. Before we close, I want you to want to leave here again with some questions. Kind of like all of our episodes or our season two episodes, I always like to leave you with some questions so that you could either think about it or journal or whatever. So um, and this is where journaling can help. I'll be honest, I was not a journal before caregiving, a journal or before caregiving, but it became a caregiving gift for me, a place to think through things, to process emotions, to slow down and ask better questions to myself. But journaling looks different for all of us and everyone. Some write in journals, some use their phone, some meditate, some reflect while walking. You know, find what works for you. There's no right way. Do what works for you. And so here are the questions. I have four today. And um, if you want to pause it and get your pen and paper out, you can do that or make note of where it is and so that you could come back to this in this episode. But the question first question is what drains me most right now? This may help you with your yes or no list. What actually matters this week? This might be an ongoing question you ask. What actually matters this week when you start looking at your calendar for the next days or what are the next week? Where am I saying yes out of habit that I don't even know? I don't really even know I'm saying yes. For example, are you the kind of person that scrolls your phone at night in bed? Is it something you want to continue? Or are you the type of person that stays up an extra half hour to watch the news? I don't know. What are those extra habits that you say yes out of habit that maybe you want to try and and flip or say no to? My last question is what might change if I choose differently? Sometimes clarity really shows up simply because we ask the question, and this might be a good journaling uh um thing to do or think about while you're on your walk or whatever. Okay, before we wrap up, I want to say this clearly. You are allowed to choose, you are allowed to protect your energy. Maybe your energy protecting is saying, I do no appointments on Monday. Because Monday is I'm dedicated to my work or I'm dedicated to my class or whatever it would be. You are allowed to be intentional about what fills your week. Because when you think about the whole season that we've been talking about here, rhythm needs boundaries. Boundaries protect mental space. Mental space allows joy, support sustains you, and your yes and no list guides all of it. Caregiving will always be bring responsibilities, but you still get to decide how you move through them. Your week doesn't have to control you, you get to choose what shapes it. And maybe it's even simpler than that. You don't need everything, you need to do what matters, and you don't need to do everything, you need to do what matters, and sometimes the most powerful thing a caregiver can say is a simple, steady no. Because every no sometimes every no protects something important, and every intentional yes builds a kind of caregiving life that is sustainable for you. So I hope you found this powerful today. It was a little bit shorter, not too short, but a little bit shorter for you to really reflect on what are my yeses and what are the things that I can say no to and how can I change those. Personally, as a caregiver, as a coworker, as a mom, as a friend, whatever it will be. So until next time, my friend, we have one more episode in this season before we'll be taking a month break. Um, and I can't wait to close out this season, too, with a spectacular episode next week. And I can't wait. I'm not going to tell you any more than that. But enjoy your week, my friend, and we'll talk to you real soon. Bye for now.