Breaking The Worry Habit: Understanding and Overcoming Excessive Worry As A Caregiver

Worry is a normal human emotion and everyone experiences it to some degree. It's a natural response to uncertainty and can be a helpful signal that something requires attention or action.  Caregiver worry can be debilitating.  

In this episode, we're unpacking

• ways we worry
• types of worry
• why we worry
• strategies to overcome and reduce worry

Caregiving can be a challenging and stressful role, and it's important to be kind and gentle with yourself. Recognize that worry is a normal part of the caregiving experience, and that you're doing the best you can.

Transcript

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Well, hello there, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here, and I am totally thrilled to talk about the topic of worry again. I know we talked about it in earlier episodes of the Caregiver Cup podcast, but my listeners, you my listeners, keep asking for ways to overcome worry. We talk about it in the caregiver circle. I talk about it with my private coaching clients. And I can so relate to worry because I feel like I'm an expert when it comes to worry. I feel like I'm a warrior when it comes to worry. I'm a master worrier. The reason I'm telling you this is it comes easy to me. And I know our brain likes worry. It likes that worry, especially when it comes to the negative side. So today I'm going to go ahead and kind of entwine or in put in different stories so I can give you different ways that worry can impact you. I want to talk about the different types of worry. I want to bring back some of the previous episodes, whys or why we worry. And then I want to talk about the textbook strategies to overcome worry, and then Kathy's strategies to overcome worry. And I don't think you can get rid of it as a caregiver, but you can reduce it and recognize it and stop it from impacting your life and looking at the ones that are really true and getting rid of the ones that aren't true. And so this is going to be a really fun episode for me. When I was putting this episode together, I thought, oh, this is going to be a nice short and easy episode. But now that I think about it and that I was starting to write the notes today, I'm like, oh no, this is going to be a good one, you all. We're going to get really into it. So let's start out with the basics. Worry. What is worry? It's a normal human emotion, and everyone experiences it in some degree. It's a natural response to like the uncertainty and can be helpful to signal that something requires our attention or our action. Um, when I think about different examples, you think about normal worry is typically occasional or situational, meaning it arises in response to situations. And then we like we worry about a job interview. Um, think about the times maybe that you had something to do then in your job and you couldn't sleep and you worried excessively all night long. Or there's another one called proportional worry. It's it's a normal worry, but it's generally proportional to the situation at hand. In other words, the amount of worry is appropriate to the level of risk or uncertainty. But you might worry, like for me, when I traveled in my corporate job all the time, I would have this proportional worry all the time. If I was in a new airport or I had to figure out how to get a rental car, what's the city like? I've never stayed at a this hotel before. So you worry about all of the little things and they're they're proportionally proportionally right and situationally right. Or you might have worry that can be adaptive, meaning it serves uh an un a usual purpose and helping us anticipate or prepare for a potential problem. For example, you worry about an upcoming storm taking taking appropriate action, like a tornado warning or something like that, and you're you're worrying about your property and you're worrying about things. I am the type of person that worries when I hear something outside and I'm in bed at night. And I've been thinking about getting like a sound machine or putting earplugs, earplugs in, but then this is Kathy. Then I worry that I'm not going to hear anything. And so I hear something outside at night, like kids screaming, like teenagers screaming, or I hear a bang, like a car door bang. I'm immediately grabbing my phone and checking my ring, like the ring app on my phone. And so that is adaptive worry. Another one is resolves with time. So your normal worry tends to resolve with time, or as a situation is resolved. For example, you were worried because you had to, um, I worried about giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral. And so I worried about that the whole time. But then once it was done, it kind of goes away. And so another one is you it doesn't interfere with your daily life. Your worry is that's normal worry typically doesn't interfere. And you have the ability to function day in and day out. While it may seem temporarily like a distress or a distraction, it doesn't prevent a person from carrying out their normal activities and responsibilities. Don't we want to all be in that piece? But really, in a nutshell, I wanted to start out with it's important to remember that everyone's experience, everyone experiences worry differently in what may be considered normal from one person, it may be excessive to another person. And it it and everybody's kind of reaction to it is different. Some might have dis distress, some might be able to kind of move on, move on. So one of the stories I wanted to share with you today is I worried when my kids went off to college. I worried about them all the time. Um, it got easier with the third child, but when Mark, my oldest, went off to college, I was worried sick about him. Uh, some of the some of the mom things, worried that he was going to get exposed to alcohol right away. And he did, by the way. Worried that he wasn't gonna get up and go to school, worried that he was going to be lonely. And I would think about the worst possible outcomes, about worrying that he was gonna get hooked up with the wrong crowd. And I'm a lifetime person too, a lifetime series watcher, and I'm worried like he's going to go ahead and get abducted and all this kind of stuff. And when he went to college, the biggest worry was 9-11, and that happened. And as soon as 9-11 happened and the planes crashed into the building and the world kind of shut down, I was panicking thinking, oh my gosh, is college going to get bombed or something's going to happen and they're gonna have to stay locked in or whatever. And until he got home, I was worrying. And the the type of worry this is is catastrophizing worrying. And I would use this, I mentioned this in one of my prior episodes. I think it was episode 46. If if you look, you'll see the worry tagline on it. It's a typical cognitive distortion where people imagine the worst possible outcome in a situation. Um, it might be going back to worrying about the weather, like you get a hurricane coming and you're doing all the things that you can do, but you're batting down the hatches, but you're worried that your house is going to go ahead and take go off. But from a caregiver's perspective, we may worry excessively that our loved one maybe will fall and break a bone or take the wrong medications and overdose, even though there's no evidence to suggest that this is going to happen. This kind of worry can be unnecessary and may and cause you stress and anxiety when it comes to that. So, why do we worry? Why do we worry? And worry can be debilitating in a number of ways. And so I want to talk about before we talk about why, I want to talk about it that it can be debilitating and what it can do to you. It inner when you worry, it interferes with your daily functioning. How often have you had difficulty focusing or doing your tasks from a caregiving perspective because you were worrying, maybe it kept you up all night or you're distracted. This can lead to distress in your productivity and feelings of overwhelm. Worry can increase your stress and anxiety, and it can affect you in your physical and mental health. Like I said, you could stop sleeping. Um, chronic stress can be a result of worrying, which means you're starting to feel fatigue and headaches and muscle tension and restlessness and irritability. And you might say, Yeah, I'm stressed. But when you get down to the root cause, why are you stressed? And if you find out that it's worry, then you need to go ahead and start taking action to reduce the worry. Worrying can be leading to burnout, which obviously we just talked about stress can lead to burnout as well. But you can start being exhausted, you can lose, um, lose a sense of accomplishment, and all you're doing is excessively worrying. And, you know, depending on your loved one's situation, yeah, you might be excessively worrying, but how do you not let that control your mental and physical well-being? Worry can impact your relationships with your loved one, with friends, you can withdraw and feel isolated, and that can put a strain on your relationship. Worry can decrease your quality of life because you're constantly on edge or unable to enjoy activities because you're worried. With with my mom, if she if I win somewhere, I was worried about her. Is she going to be okay if I go ahead and go out for dinner with Dennis, or if I go ahead and take a day and go to a festival? And I would worry, and then that can contribute to a feeling of hopelessness and despair. So overall, excessive worrying can be debilitating for a caregiver and can significantly negatively impact their health, physical, mental, spiritual, whatever the health is for you or us as caregivers. Another, another worrying is called excessive rumination worrying. And I want to go ahead and use an example from years and years ago in my corporate job. I worked 32 years in my corporate position. Um, the last 10 years I worked, or 15 years actually, I worked in the onboarding space and in the human resources department. But prior to that, I was in adult education and leadership development. Well, as corporate companies go on and working for a Fortune 100 company, restructuring was a normal part of the process. It just happened pretty much every other year to go ahead and look at expenses and ways to work and stuff like that. And being in human resources, I can kind of see things coming. I'm not pre I wasn't privy to the information, but I could see things coming. And you could you could feel that. And so I knew I was getting moved and restructured earlier in my my leadership development years. I I was moved into a different role and something that I didn't enjoy, and I felt like I got stuck, and I was just feeling stuck. The people that I was with weren't happy. I continued to worry about my my role and was I really doing a good enough job because I wasn't passionate about where I was moved. I actually got moved from leadership development and then got moved into a marketing department. It made no sense. Eventually I got moved into a sales department as well. Making a long story short, I made the best of it and started in those departments, using my skills to go ahead and create leadership opportunities and development in those roles, but I had to really work hard. But getting back to excessive rumination is when a person repeatedly dwells on the negativity and then the negative thoughts or worries, often without finding a resolution. You're worrying about am I going to be able to keep that job? Am I going to be able to make an impact? As caregivers, we may ruminate excessively on our loved ones' health. I know you can relate to this or their well-being. Even if there is nothing that has changed in their position or their situation. Dennis now is in remission. My husband Dennis is now in remission. I worry every time he has a hiccup, every time he's tired. This kind of worry can be unproductive and may contribute to the sense of hopelessness or helplessness. It can in it just can consume your brain. So people who are prone to worry, let's talk about that, often exhibit a variety of behaviors and thoughts. And I want to tell you this because I want you to recognize when you feel worry and what it does to you. Anxiety, you're edgy, you feel stressful. People that are overthinkers, worries tend to overthink. And so if you are like an analytical overthinker, most likely you're going to worry or you're going to ruminate on situations because you are so analytical. Catching yourself maybe Googling the facts of it, um, WebMDing, oh my gosh, he has a cough. Is this contributing to his cancer? Whatever it would be. So you're obsessively looking at the small details, you're seeking reassurance of the situation that you're worrying about. You're either seeking it from data or you're seeking it from others, um, and you're repeatedly looking for affirmation for the worry. Or the other thing you might do is you might avoid it. Some worries may avoid the situation or activities that they perceive as stressful or anxiety provoking, and they won't. If if they're worried about something, they may not do an action. They may avoid something. They could this can lead to a cycle of avoidance and isolation as caregivers. Uh, think about the pandemic. And even my husband, when he came from this home from the stem cell transplant, I avoided any type of activity with others because I was worried he was going to catch something. Even when they said once he got through three months, it was better. Once he got through six months, it was better. I avoided things. Also recognize your physical symptoms. What physically are you feeling when you worry? Anxiety, restlessness, can't sleep, muscle tension, whatever. You feel uncomfortable. You might even have panic attacks, or worriers might procrastinate or delay making a decision or action because they are too anxious, or they're worried about making a mistake that can lead to a sense of paralysis or inability. It can be exasperating feelings of worry and stress. I think it's important for you and I to recognize the effects of worry and how our body responds to it, why we go ahead and have these as well. I'll give you another example. Um, this is an example. I'll talk about hyper-vigilance worry. And I you watch the news, right? Or you get a news alert on your phone that there has been an assault in your city of women. Uh we had a two women walking on trails and do two different parts. And this was two years ago. And you get worried and you start questioning your freedom to go outside and walk. Because I walk my dogs three miles every morning. And so you get into this state of worry or you get frozen in this because you're just too worried about it to make a long story short. Here again, I started walking, but then I started buying things to protect myself. I don't even carry these anymore. I don't even remember what it was, but it was an alarm buzzer that would I could press. I hooked it on my pants, and then if somebody looked threatening, it would go off and then it would send alert to my family in 911. So I'm like, I got so worried about that. I have two big dogs. Who's gonna touch me with two big dogs? But anyway, I should. I I also went ahead and put tracking on my phone so my husband would do it. These are all good things, but I became so obsessively worried thinking, do I need pepper spray? Do I need to go ahead and look at the lighting in my neighborhood? I was obsessed with it. I was scared to the point that I was worried about walking. And I started saying, I'm only going to walk when Dennis goes gets home. And that would be like, I lost my freedom. But let me just talk about hypervigilance, it's a state of heightened alertness and vigilance, often in response to a perceived threat. It can be a good worry, but it also can be a debilitating worry. Caregivers may become hyper-vigilant about their loved ones' health, constantly monitoring for changes or signs of decline. This kind of worry can be exhausting and may interfere with the caregiver's ability to care for themselves or engage in other activities. And that can be debilitating. And it can you lose yourself. Now, caregivers who experience excessive worry may be at risk for a range of negative physical and mental outcomes. And so the last ones we talked about just physical, but I want to talk about the mental health outcomes that can result in it. You can have an increased risk of depression and anxiety. Caregivers who worry more become more depressed and anxiety, sadness, irritable hopelessness. Your stress levels become higher, which results in chronic stress that can lead to negative health outcomes, including cardiovascular disease, digestive problems, decreasing your immune system. We talk a lot here about burnout too. Caregivers who worry excessively are at higher risk of burnout, and their state of their emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion can be prolonged stress and caregiving responsibilities. And I think the big one that that hit me the most is a decreased quality of life. Excessive worry and stress can take a toil on your life. Your caregiving quality of life, your if you're working outside of caregiving, that can affect that. It can affect your relationships. You have a decreased enjoyment of hobbies and social activities. And most importantly, you have difficulty sleeping, which shortens your lifespan. And we know how it can increase your health problems, but there are so many statistics on high blood pressure, diabetes, and chronic disease. As a matter of fact, one of my accountability partners over the last few years found that she had non malignant tumors. She had two of them removed during her caregiving journey because of the stress levels. And so we need to manage our worry. Okay. Told you I'm gonna jump back and forth with stories here. Another one is having worry you're you're worrying because your your expectations are unrealistic and I had I had one of the best corporate jobs ever in my last 15 years I actually enjoyed adult learning and uh adult uh education so much in my corporate job my last 15 years were truly focused on new employees coming into the company and providing them with an onboarding experience an orientation experience coaching and developing them on opportunities within the company and blah blah blah so but when I first got my job I was so worried about the whole making a mistake thing and one of my first responsibilities which I absolutely love speaking on stages but one of my first presentations that I had to give was in a ballroom in Louisville Kentucky with 500 new employees on their first day I was still learning my job I was still learning everything and I did everything that I could it and this happened every Monday by the way so and I made sure that I had the room booked I had the orders in place with the facility to set it up the right way I had people helping me set up and putting out the books in the morning I had people assigned to the check-in table I had a tech person there to meet me in the morning I was so obsessed and worried about especially my first few months about making a mistake I wanted everything to be perfect I was so passionate about what I was doing there would be the day before I'd be standing up in front of the mirror talking and making sure that I didn't miss a beat and I had this fear of being fired if everything didn't work out. And but in my mind something is going to go wrong and so I was worried about could I anticipate that and could I make sure it doesn't happen well to to to go ahead and and get myself in there it was this 95 hot degree day I can remember that in Louisville Kentucky everybody came into the room at the tables and I had music playing and everything like that. I had some tech issues I worked through those I sweated through those but one thing that didn't work very well in this this thing was the air conditioning it was such a big room that one side of the room would be cold the other side would be complaining that it's hot and so you you I had these unrealistic expectations and when I got my survey results back I was so bummed because the surveys came back that it was an enjoyable experience but the facility and the atmosphere stunk because it was either too cold or too hot. And so it's like yeah so and I remember not being able to sleep the night before not being able to sleep the night after because of the survey results and trying to go ahead and obsess over some things that you can't control. So caregivers let's talk about this in unrealist unrealistic expectations worry caregivers may worry that they are not doing enough or providing the best possible care for their loved ones. They may set unrealistic expectations for themselves right away I think about this to-do list that's 15 steps long or you feel guilty because you have to go ahead and you know do something you feel guilty because you have to go get your hair cut you need to get your hair cut or you need to get your teeth cleaned or you need to run home to go ahead and you know change your clothes and take a shower or you're it you worry about being inadequate when they are unable to meet to meet and you're unable to meet them. This kind of worry can be unnecessary and may contribute to feelings of burnout and frustration. We put so much pressure on ourself especially with some unrealic unrealistic expectations I used to beat myself up for not asking a question about to the doctor or you know like forgetting something or you know just making a mistake I don't know how many times I forgot the keys up in my mom's apartment building and we walked all the way down to the lower level you know and I would beat myself up all the way walking back there. When am I stupid? I why did I forget this blah blah blah and I'm like why am I putting that pressure on myself and why do I sit and worry about it for days after I told you I'm a worry expert. Let's talk about some stats now regarding worry. And it's really fun to to dig into these and these stats are from the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP and they're focused on the adults in the United States. So if you're outside of the United States just know that these are these are going to be a little off but 38% of caregivers reported feeling emotionally stressed and emotionally worried about their situation. Caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia felt worried andor anxious even more 72% of them had that feeling another stat here from Family Caregiver Alliance found that 60% of caregivers reported feeling overwhelmed and 40 to 70% of caregivers have clinically significant signs of depression. And I wonder if that's from worry. And then I love the one from the Journal of palliative medicine because this makes sense to me hospice caregivers reported worrying about their loved ones pain and symptom management 87% of them worried about that. And that's a valid worry and I want to go ahead and um you know kind of balance that even the Alzheimer that's a valid worry because you see them declining as well but at what point do you have to stop and trust that you're doing what you need to do the CDC also indicated that that caregivers had higher levels of stress and worry and their their worries were focused on the chronic disease of their loved one and the early mortality rates how many of us worry about our loved ones passing with a chronic disease yeah so let's talk about how to reduce worry like I said at the very beginning Kathy has her own version I want to share the textbook answers which means I did the research on those but I also want to share what I do now in addition to the textbook answers. And there's three things that I do now first I identify that I'm worrying and I embrace that I'm worrying because for me worry is telling you something it's telling you something's going on in your head something's going on in your heart and something is not right and so when you worry you need to go ahead and identify and embrace it and not shove it off I also ask myself why am I worrying Kathy why am I worrying is it a valid worry is it a lifetime movie worry what is the worry why am I worrying about this and then I also ask myself what if I let it go or if I can't let it go what could help me reduce the worry so I identify it I ask why I'm worrying and then I ask the what's what if I let it go or what or who could I go to to help me with that so I'm gonna just share one quick more story before I close and sh get into some of the strategy textbook strategies here but I and on April 1st I decided I was going to give up sugar and that was the white sugar anything processed sugar I could still have fruits and I could still have those as like the sugar. And so I decided because I have such bad digestive issues and I was feeling more sluggish and tired and I needed more energy. And now that I'm through the grief process with my mom right now I know it could come back and Dennis is in a good state I thought I'm going to give up sugar and I needed a new challenge. Well it's one month later and I'm still doing pretty darn good but I sat and thought through worry I worried about what if I can't do it what if um this is not my digestive issue what if I you know and I would put myself through this worry what I did instead of and how I released my worry was I went ahead and did my planning and I when I I had this strategy in place when I wanted sugar and my body was looking for a processed food or a cookie or whatever the this is the strategy I'm going to have in my place and I have a note on my phone that comes up and I read this statement to myself and I have steps to go ahead and take to reduce my hunger or my urge. And that would be I I stay a say a statement to myself and and tell myself that I'm proud that I'm recognizing it. I drink a glass of water and I have if if I'm still craving sugar or needing that I have almonds that I can go ahead and take and then if that doesn't work I need to go ahead and physically get outside and do something. So that's kind of and and the reason I'm telling you this is because from a strategy perspective I want you to think about any type of stress and in this episode worry as you have to come up with a strategy. As a family caregiver there can be several strategies that you can try and these are the textbook versions that I found through my research and it says the first one is to says to seek social support and caregiving is challenging it can be stressing stressful is there someone or a community that you can go to when you have worry that you can talk to that you can go ahead and and and just talk to others who understand what you're going through so that you can reduce this feeling and when you're in a community like the Caregiver Cup circle which registration is now open um if somebody came to the caregiver cup circle and said yeah I'm so worried I'm so worried and then I'm I would start asking them questions like yeah let's first of all embrace it second of all why are you worrying about it what are the physical effects of your worry and and and emotional effects of your worry and what can you do to improve it and it just helps because when you get that right person they're not saying things like oh stop worrying you have nothing to worry about oh my gosh that puts me on a tailspin. So when you find a supportive person or group that really doesn't give you an answer but has you start creating your plan that's what you want another thing that you can do is thinking about what you can do physically and emotionally to manage your stress and reduce your worry this could include are you sleeping well are you eating well are you engaging and moving your body doing physical activities is there any uh meditation or yoga that you can do or even a helpful hot hobby and as a matter of fact I'm just giving you a sneak peek I'm trying to get somebody in in June to talk about that whole aspect of passions and hobbies or is there a social activity? Another thing that you want to do is what can be some it's important to set realistic expectations and maybe have some boundaries or intentions of things that you can do when you notice this kind of like my notes on my phone or um if right now you can't commit to something because it's going to cause you to be excessively worried about your loved one then set that no boundary and set that boundary or saying I would love to get together with you so and so but being away causes me too much stress and anxiety. But would it be possible if we went ahead and had something out on the patio deck and you came over you bring something and I'll have this and we can go ahead and get together and all you do is tell your loved one you're right outside that might be it for you. Another thing is per practicing relaxation uh techniques like I said meditation or uh yoga or deep breathing if you're worrying maybe it's deep breaths breathe in through your nose hold for three seconds breathe out for six seconds whatever it would be if it becomes too much for you and it becomes anxiety overwhelming and interferes with your daily life and maybe your social support isn't there maybe you need to seek professional help and learn some techniques and resources there's so many online resources like help.com that I used uh earlier this year. So by taking steps to manage your worry and stress you can be better than a better supporter for your loved one because you're healthier when you're healthier you can show up better. And I think that I don't want to discourage worry because I think worry is a necessity and there's some good worry but then there's also the bad side or the negative side of the worry. I don't know who this quote is from but I wanted to leave with this quote today and saying um worrying is like sitting on a rocking rocking chair it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. So when you're worrying and you're constantly worrying on that rocking chair yeah you're moving and you're thinking but you're not going anywhere. So when you when you get off that rocking chair and you've rocked a little bit and you've thought through your worry when you get off that rocking chair and take action to reduce or or or um reduce it or why can't I think of the word if you reduce it let's leave it at reduce it uh you can go ahead then and keep it but it's not going to go ahead and take over your body your mind and your caregiving life so thank you for listening thank you thank you for letting me flub up a couple of times because I'm a firm believer that these podcast episodes have to be real they have to be unscripted they have to be my own and this is the way we would talk at a table and so I want to be able to deliver the content. I do very little editing of my podcasts because I want them to be real and raw. But for you my friend I want you to recognize that caregiving can be a challenging and stressful role. You know that. And it's important to be kind and gentle to yourself. It's also important to fill your cup and make sure that your cup stays as full as it can throughout the day because things are going to empty out of that cup as you go through. I want you to recognize that worry is a normal part of this caregiving experience. It came with the job it came with the role and that you're doing your best to go ahead and make it through with all this stress and worry but today I hope that you can take bits and pieces from this to go ahead and create a strategy for yourself. If you are a worry warrior like I am if you are an expert warrior like I am you're going to go ahead and have to find ways to go ahead and reduce that and life doesn't have to be a lifetime movie which I love if if you love lifetime movies I'd love to hear from you. But we can control our worry we can embrace it and identify it. We can think about ways to go ahead and reduce it and overcome it and be the best caregiver that we can be take care my friend and we'll talk to you again next Tuesday. Bye for now