The simple caregiving strategy to overcome your challenges and stress

Are you drowning in the demands of caregiving? What if there was a way to make your caregiving journey a little bit more manageable? Join me as I share valuable strategies for simplifying caregiving, by asking an essential question: "How can I make this easier?"

In this enlightening episode, I touch on the power of perspective, the importance of trusting our caregiving team, and the necessity of self-care in the midst of our busy lives. I discuss how embracing adaptability and actively prioritizing  well-being can alleviate stress and make the caregiving process more enjoyable. Plus, my personal experiences and how I've learned to implement processes and systems to make lives easier.

Finally, I invite you to connect with other caregivers in our private Facebook group, the Caregiver Cup Online Community. By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can make our caregiving journey a little bit easier together. So, don't miss this insightful episode packed with practical advice on making caregiving more manageable.

Transcript

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast.

 We're going to talk today about how can we make things a little bit better for us. How can we take some of those challenges and some of those struggles and some of the feelings that we have when we're stuck and we feel like we can't go on. How can we make it easier for us, how can we find different solutions to go ahead and really make this journey a lot better for us?

I know, last week we talked about in the episode 162, we talked about this iceberg and we only see 10% of our issues and our struggles. But when we get underneath the surface of that water or in that iceberg, we can start figuring out the root causes. And I want to take a little bit further and I want to talk about the current processes and systems that you currently have in place, maybe the support or the no support you have, and even our behaviors and our actions. And let's talk about those.

And I'm going to start out with a story and I think you know this, but I'll tell you this anyway. I was a busy, busy mom. I got married really young to my high school sweetheart, Denis, and we raised three boys, and they were the first two were four years apart and then there was an eight-year gap, but so we had boys for a long time in our household. I worked full-time, my husband worked full-time. We both were struggling parents financially, and so I worked part-time on the weekends. He picked up side jobs as well, and even in that too, we both volunteered, and most of the time we volunteered so we could get reductions in, like their band or their sporting events, or their sporting events required you to volunteer as well. And so I look back at it now and I'm like how the heck did I do it? I look at that, but I look back now and think about how chaotic it was, how stressful it was, how overwhelming it was. But then when I look at the photo albums and all the pictures, it was all beautiful, remarkable, great memories, memories. But what Denis and I did is we implemented processes and systems to try to make things easier, and I think we do that as caregivers. But I want to dig into this a little bit more Some of the things I did as a mom that I implemented and my kids, some of my I think my boys sometimes hate me for some of the things that I did, but I think they appreciate it too, because you have to think outside the box.

I remember them always going what's for supper? What's for supper? We would just walk into the door like at 4.30 or 5.30 and the kids are starving and they want something to eat. And if I wasn't planful and wasn't didn't prepare in advance, you were scrambling at the end, and so Dennis and I learned really, really fast that we needed to go ahead and figure out dinner time. So that was one stress we could take off of our plate, because sometimes he would work extra hours, i would work extra hours, and so whoever got home would go ahead and make dinner. And so what we did as a family is we created a menu and put it on the refrigerator. That was one of our processes. I have to sip some water here once And then. Another thing is when we went grocery shopping, we knew what we needed to buy. We went through the cupboards, we knew what we had in the house, and then we just created a grocery list off of that. We also had a calendar on the refrigerator, so we would know and it was color coded, color coded who was going to do what and who was going to carpool all that kind of stuff.

And then me as the mom And I was like I am not spending my whole Saturday and Sunday and my days off cleaning the house, or Denis, my husband, wasn't going to spend all of his time cutting the lawn and doing all of the yard work, and so we divided and conquered. It was Saturday. I called it bonding day for my kids, and if we would spend a few hours maybe two to three hours we could divide and conquer and everything could go. Everything could get done if we just did it all. And we just put our heads down and did it all. My kids to this day called it bondage time. Mom and dad locked him in the house and didn't let him out until the house was cleaned and the lawn was caught and all that kind of stuff. But those are. That's an example of systems that you have in place, because once you realize that you can't do it all or you're burning the candle at both ends and you're exhausted, you have to figure it out.

So I'm going to break down this simple but transformative question that you can ask yourself on those hard days As a caregiver. We you and I understand this immense challenge and the challenges we face daily, and you understand feeling tired and overwhelmed I know you do and pulling in malt, being pulled into multiple directions. However, when we embrace this question, we can unlock a world of possibilities for ourselves and release some of the burdens. You know what the question is right How can you make things easier? or how can I make things easier? So, on those hard days when you feel like it feels too much and you are totally drained at the end of the day and you're like I can't do this anymore, ask yourself how can I make things easier? Don't beat yourself up, don't get into that negative space. Just go to that. Questions on the day that you failed at something, maybe you forgot something, or yet, for me, didn't get the dinner ready or missed an appointment, whatever it would be. Instead of going ahead and saying oh my gosh, you can be in that space for a second, but then saying how can I make it easier the next time? Or on those days where you are just so stressed and nothing is working, take a step back and say the simple statement and question how can I make that easier?

Speaker 1: there for everyone. Right, then add struggles and the challenges into the mix, as well as your emotions, as well as your energy or lack of energy, as well as all of the time that you devote to it or the lack of time that you have. Right, i can think of tons and tons of processes I've changed, i've shifted, i've implemented after a stressful event or a failure or a bad day as a caregiver. You and I learn from each struggle, and when you shift that struggle into an opportunity, an opportunity or a thought for the next time, it gives you that hope. You can keep going. You can keep improving the process. You can keep changing everything.

The one example that comes to my mind right now is an appointment that my mom had. My mom had lupus and she had lung cancer and she had backache so bad that one homeopathic treatment we did was chiropractic care. I told mom, i said you make the appointments, give the girl a call, put them on your calendar and we'll go. Great process, right, great process implemented in place Until the day we went to the chiropractor. We went to the day for the chiropractic. We walked into the chiropractic office, the parking lot was empty, which was really weird. And the girl says it's not your day for your appointment, we don't have you down for an appointment. As a matter of fact, it's Thursday and the doctors aren't in on Thursdays. Well, my mom was extremely upset because she had written it down and she had this little card that she wrote it down on, and she was all set And I was frustrated.

But after I got through the initial frustration, you have to take a step back and ask yourself the question is how can we not make this happen again, how can we make this easier And how can we eliminate this issue again? And so, yeah, it is something. And so mom and I brainstormed and we worked through it And when we were at the office, she had said well, janet, you get our text alerts when your appointment is going to be. And my mom goes yeah, i didn't get one today. But I just thought, oh, maybe I just didn't get my text. And so we had to go ahead and work through that and talk through that and making sure we have the appointments. And so if we don't get a text, the next time we're not gonna drive and it was probably about a 30 minute drive. We're not gonna drive the 30 minutes to the appointment. We're gonna call the office in advance to confirm it and make sure it is true, especially the day before when you don't get the text.

And so I want to go ahead and talk about and really get into the fact that, why it's so important and why the power of how can I make it easy is something for us as caregivers, and by embracing this simple question you can unlock so much, you can go ahead and take some of that burden off of your back, you can dive into and discover why asking this question is so important. And really I think of five things right now that will help convince you and I of this important question. First of all, acknowledging the realities of caregiving is like one of the most important pieces. We have to begin by acknowledging that there was an issue or the demands of caregiving and the toll it takes on us physically, mentally and emotionally. We have to recognize that it is normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed at times and we need to be aware of this, but by finding ways to make it easier it's going to help so much, and so something as simple as that chiropractic office appointment was a big deal because I took the afternoon off of work. I had to go ahead and take that time, go pick up mom, drive her to the appointment, and by her not getting that adjustment each week, she suffered for another week. And so by going ahead and creating a process in place and not saying my mom wrote it down wrong but I truly believe it was truly a miscommunication on my mom's fault that something wasn't right and she just heard it wrong or wrote it on the calendar wrong or whatever it would be And so, by me double checking the office, i still gave my mom the empowerment to go ahead and do it, but I checked in with the office. I had them, added me to the text alerts and the reminders, but I also made that point of calling that morning to make sure it was still a go and I didn't have to go ahead and take that away. But looking for ways to make things easier, looking for ways to eliminate some of the frustration or the errors or whatever it would be. And so that's the reality of caregiving We're going to have issues, we're going to have struggles.

The second one is by asking how can I make things easier? you open yourself up to new perspectives and possibilities. This question helps you challenge the status quo and consider alternative approaches And you can shift your perspective and the power of your perspective. It encourages you to let go of the belief that you must do everything on your own and invites collaboration and assistance from others, and I want you to think about that. You have to be open to whatever is available for you And be okay with that. I mean, i know I've shared this in past episodes, but I didn't attend every single one of Denis's chemotherapy appointments. I didn't go across to the stem cell transplant.

After Denis was in that second phase where it was just monitoring his stats every day as an outpatient, i dropped him off and I came home, came back to the housing facility, because I realized that I could shift and find different ways to go ahead and trust that he had a team. I could go on and talk about my brother support and the neighbor support, all of that kind of stuff. I'm just getting my coffee in so I keep going here with you. I'm sorry. I love drinking my coffee and it just soothes my throat too. It keeps my throat moist and dry. But another one. I want to break the third one down And it's all about breaking the cycle of your burnout because we've talked about caregiver burnout and how real it is and how it can really be a serious concern And constantly pushing yourself beyond your limits without seeking help or exploring new strategies is not sustainable.

It's not.  By asking how to make things easier, you can actively prioritize your well-being, actively prioritize your loved ones' care, acknowledge that it's okay to ask for help and assistance, and this simple question becomes an essential tool. It's a tool for breaking the cycle of burnout. Oh my gosh, that is. There are so many key points in this. What I just said, and constantly pushing yourself beyond your limits. Do you need to do the grocery shopping and make all the meals? How could you make things easier? Especially if you could. I mean, there's no shame in picking up something or ordering in food or asking if somebody offered to go ahead and make the chicken soup for you. You could gladly take that for what it is.

Another thing is prioritizing. What's important was in that statement I remember. Oh my gosh, i am the master of to-do lists. I like getting all my thoughts out on a piece of paper. But I know you're probably like this too. I can't do it all on that to-do list And I want to challenge myself to see how far I can push myself. But when you're in a caregiving burnout stage, that's the worst thing that you can do.

And so what I started doing is I listed out my to-do list And then I challenged myself to cross off three things on that list that weren't priority. It was hard. It was so hard I got colored smelly markers so that made me feel better, and then I went ahead and circled the top three things that absolutely had to be done And then the other ones that weren't crossed off. I could get two, but they weren't priority. I also went as far as okay, i have these things on my to-do list that I can't get two but are really important. Then I would send out a text. I had a group page for Denis when he went to a stem cell transplant. I had that, and so my family members, my kids, my friends they all supported and helped And I could go ahead and reach out And people would take things off my list that I would be thinking about, because I'd be away and I was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in my home's, about two hours north of Milwaukee Wisconsin, and I would go ahead and think of things that had to be done, like something as simple as the furnace filter, but it would drive me crazy. I needed to change it, and so, by reaching out to them and asking somebody, they were glad to do that And I could cross that off my to-do list.

The fourth thing that you want to think about, and why it's so important, is caregiving often requires us to be flexible and adaptable as circumstances change, and so we have to embrace adaptability. By asking how to make things easier, you embrace the idea of being open to new solutions and adjusting our approach. If you're anything like me, it might be hard, because if you're a control freak or if you like things a certain way, it's going to be required you to be flexible and allow you to find more efficient and effective ways of managing all of the caregiving responsibilities. And so you know that was hard for me to go ahead and not be at every appointment for a while, especially with my mom and when my brother went. But being able to go ahead and look at different things, like being able to see the notes and the doctor's notes, or writing out the questions in advance, or seeing if I can't be teleconferenced in on those important ones, then I could save myself time because I wouldn't have to be driving there. I could be working still and only have to take off an X amount of time.

Okay, another reason number five is asking for help can be challenging, but it is a vital aspect of self-care for caregivers. By asking how to make things easier, you can give others an opportunity to offer their support and expertise, and this one is all about building a support network. Cultivating a strong support network enables you to lean on others during difficult times and helps alleviate the burden of caregiving. When you say, no, i'm fine, no, i'll be okay, you're not opening up that support network. People want to help, but they don't know what to do. They don't know how to ask, but remember the people that said don't forget, i'm here if you need anything. They want to help.

So it could be as simple as when your loved one is in therapy. Could you run to an errand and rely on the nurses in the chemotherapy area and say, hey, i want to run to and get the groceries and go home and unload them. Are you okay if I take a step away? And they'll be like you just built a support team. That's an easy one to do. I know it's difficult. Or you could say I'm gonna run and get something, i'm gonna go have lunch while they're doing it, and if you go talk to the nurses at the nurses station or the head nurse that's taking care of your loved one, they're gonna support you, they're gonna be fine. Or it could be you going ahead and listing out your responsibilities with that group text that you have or that group Facebook group that you have, or asking a neighbor if they can go ahead and cut your lawn this week because you're going to be gone.

Speaker 1: Or it could be something as you supporting yourself The night before packing your things for the long day ahead, and you're going ahead and supporting yourself, you're putting everything together and you're all packed and ready to go. Okay, the last one for the Y piece. Why you wanna do that is you're prioritizing your wellbeing. Caregivers often prioritize when we prioritize everybody else's needs and we neglect our own wellbeing in the process. Asking how to make things easier is the act of self-compassion, self-love and self-care. By recognizing your own limitations and seeking ways to lighten your load, you're creating a space for you to recharge, rejuvenate and ensure that you're going to be able to do this for the long term And, just like I said, packing your bag the night before. That can alleviate some of the stress. Maybe it's walking around the hospital while your loved one is getting their lab work done and saying, hey, when you're done, just wait here, i'm just gonna go for a quick round at the hospital just so I could get a walk in. Or it could be setting your alarm and waking up 30 minutes early and you laid out all of your clothes the night before and you have your shoes laying there and you're gonna get up and walk. Or maybe it's going ahead and doing some meal prepping in advance, and so when you can grab and go that salad or that chicken breast or whatever you eat so that you ensure that you're gonna eat healthy that day, it is so easy. So those were the six Ys.

Now I wanna talk a little bit more about how it is so easy to get into this negative space when you feel like you are drowning in stress and your emotions and your energy are spiraling down too. It reminds me of being in this tunnel and you're looking up and you can see light, but it is so long and you have to climb this ladder and it's never ending, right. It's so easy to get caught in this negative space and saying I'm never gonna get out of it. I always say first, when I'm in this dark space, this emotional, sad space, it's okay. I'm glad I feel this way because my body and my mind is telling me something. My body is remarkable and it's gonna signal something.

But I also say embrace the suck, and I do. I was just reading a book called Rebound. Let me look back here once. Oh, what is it called? The Art of Bouncing Back? I mean, coach Dar is the author of it and she talks about embracing the suck in her book as well. And I also say embrace its crap, because caregiving throws us a lot of crap and we have to accept and celebrate that piece. So that's the first piece. Just let it be.

But you wanna also know that you can't stay there very long. It's kind of like you're standing in this puddle and you can feel the water seeping into your shoes and your socks are starting to get wet. You better step out pretty soon or your feet are gonna be soaking wet, right? I always wanna say, okay, that's enough, kathy. And then when you shift and recognize your frustration and start unpacking it with intention, you can start directing this energy to what's important and look for ways to improve your situation. So almost like putting the suck and the crap in your negative energy and your negative thoughts. And you are driving now and you're looking out your rear view mirror and they're getting farther and farther away. You have a choice to stay where you are at, in that sock, or work through it and find solutions When you have a bad day and stay with it and reflect on it for hours or days or more.

You are actually in this emotional energy spiral. Some doctors and some research call it emotional grief. Pay attention to how much time you are in this autopilot. You might be saying things like my life sucks, my life is over. I wish I could go back to the good old days. It's human and normal, but you gotta break through it. You gotta get through it.

And the example that comes to my mind and I was in this for a while, let me grab a little bit more to drink. I was in this space for a while and I truly believe I was in burnout and my body and my mind could not get beyond this. And it was something as simple as you go to bed at night. You get to sleep, and not more than you get to sleep. That damn alarm goes off And you're like I don't wanna get up, i'm so exhausted. You sit up and you got a headache. You're tired. You know you stayed up too late. I know I drank my coffee and had caffeine, so that's why I couldn't go to sleep.

And then my mind is telling me all of these negative thoughts. And I walk my dogs every morning And I would my mind wanted to tell me it's okay to go back to bed. Just turn the lights off and go back to bed. Maybe you can go ahead and cancel a few workup meetings in the morning and get some sleep. It would tell me all of these things And it would if I stayed there. It was like I was going to court and it was the plaintiff or the defendant was convincing me of my story And I was just living in that.

Instead, by asking yourself what is triggering this? And letting go of the negative thoughts and how can I make this easier tomorrow morning. Solutions may be to get back, go to bed earlier. It may be prep the night before, so in the morning I don't have to go ahead and think about what I'm doing And I just go through the motions or find a process to shift my mind. And I did.

Because if I don't do this and if I don't find a process and if I don't shift my thinking and figure out what's triggering me, i go about my day crabby. I have constantly, all day long wanting to go to bed, take a nap, wanting to just hide. I drink too much caffeine, i would eat too much comfort food. I could go on and on and on, and everything was every little stressor, was a major stressor when you're tired and you're emotionally exhausted. And so it could be something as simple as the alarm goes off and you have a statement that you say or you have a song that you sing.

Mel Robbins, i was in one of her coaching classes again this past week and she had said she, instead of saying alarm, oh, she now says alarm, amazing. And she goes five, four, three, two, one and pops out of bed, puts on her tights and her workout clothes and she's off. And it's just. It's tricking your brain, it's telling your brain that it's not that bad. Think about it. You can get out of bed on when you're looking forward to something, but when it's a Monday, every day thing. It's harder, so it could be saying simple things. It doesn't have to be hard.

Just ask yourself what can I do to make mornings easier for me? So if you're feeling overwhelmed or you can't focus, you might not be able to even look at an entire week. You might have to look at 24 hours in advance. You might have to only look at one hour in advance. That sometimes, when we're that stuck, we might have to say what can I do to make things easier in the next hour? What can I do to help me get through the next 24 hours? What processes can I put into place? I wanna share this. I'm gonna lean over here a minute once And I wanna share something that I'm gonna give Mel Robbins credit again.

Speaker 1: She had shared that she had thought about how could she be more efficient and have more energy and use her energy at the right times of her day. Now you can take this and shift this to you, but this is what she said. She had put her day into zones And there were some zones that she had control over, some zones that she had more energy, some zones that she was checked out. But think about your day and thinking about this Like. Zone one is your morning And the morning you can put. The zone one is before everybody wakes up. You could set your alarm 30 minutes early, 15 minutes earlier, one hour earlier. This is your morning routine and you can control this. This is where you can do things for yourself, and maybe you're not a morning person, where you wanna go out for a walk, but maybe you use this hour in the morning where you go ahead and grab your cup of coffee and you agreed or you take your shower or whatever it would be, and this is this you can control.

Speaker 1: Zone two is all about the happenings of the day, and this is like the morning time, maybe like the mid morning, the up until lunch, whatever it would be your morning. And if you are working a job, you really it's every. If you have other people's agendas, you have to attend meetings, you have to go do this. If you're caregiving, maybe it's getting your love one ready in the morning, taking them to doctor's appointments, making their breakfast, whatever it would be. These are your morning routines, your work, your tasks that you do. Most people feel more energy at this time of the day because you've gotten a good night's sleep and this is where you're more charged and ready. Now.

Zone three is after lunch. After lunch, most people are not as productive. Most people are feeling that afternoon tiredness and fatigue, and so this is maybe where you don't do as much of the harder work. Or, for me, maybe that's the time for me. I'm the opposite. For me, i'm going to do some of the physical stuff, like I love to go out and garden, or I would go to my mom's and cleaner house or do her laundry, because it wasn't thought provoking and emotional work, it was just stuff that I had to get done and that sort of thing.

Zone four is your dinner, or your like your after dinner. After dinner and you're winding down at nighttime, and it might be dishes, it might be Netflix, it might be getting your loved one ready for bed, it's whatever that is, and that's kind of that time. Maybe you get in your after dinner walk. Good for you if you do. And what about adding a zone five? This is where you could co-head and maybe relieve some of your stress.

Maybe it's I call it your preparation for the next day. This could be something as sorry, i had to lean over and put the book down. It could be something as planning out your day. You're looking at the appointments for the next day, your meetings for the next day. It's looking at your top three priorities. It also could be shout out to Paula. I remember Paula telling me here's where she goes ahead and sets out her husband's medications for the next day. It could be preparing my husband prepares his lunch for work. Him and I both get our stuff out for our shakes in the morning. It could be getting out your workout clothes.

What can you do to make things easier? Maybe it's packing that bag for the next day and laying everything out because you have a 745 lab appointment for your loved one. We did that all the time. It's like seven o'clock lab appointments, eight o'clock doctor. It was crazy, but being prepared in advance means you didn't have to scramble the next day, because nothing is worse than starting your day off with stress. What can you do to relieve your stress? I love this zone thought process And I want you to think about it. You may have to customize it to your liking and your needs, but what can you do to make your life easier? And that's been the whole theme of this whole thing. So when you feel the pressure or mood or stress or completely fell down. Instead of beating yourself up, say what can I do to make that easier? Release that guilt and shame, release that anger and frustration. Just look at the processes you have right now and look at ways to improve it. Just think about something as simple as Apple And if you're an Apple, or even just any type of updates.

When Apple has a glitch and something's not working with the I watch or the iPhone or whatever it is, we get an update, and sometimes it feel like we get an update all the time. Well, an update. They learn that there's an error or a mistake and they create a fix. They went ahead and saying how can we fix this? How can we make this easier? It's not about reflecting on the mistakes for them, it's about fixing it. Same applies to you. Say here's what I want you to do now. I want you to think about this right now, each day. I want you to do me a favor And either at the beginning of the day, you can focus in on the day before or, at the end of the day, focus on your wins.

We spend so much time thinking about the negative, thinking about what you did well today. What were some of the wins? Maybe your win was you got to drink that hot cup of coffee without interruption. Maybe it was you ate a salad. Maybe it was you got to go for a walk. Then where could you improve on the things that didn't go well? Ask yourself the question what can I do to make this easier or make things easier? Whatever that thing is, this is one of the greatest skills you can give to yourself.

I think, as caregivers, we're learning so much. It's not about perfection, it's about progress. It's grace to wake up again and start again and granting yourself that grace. No more beating yourself up, my friend, no more wondering why I'm emotional or acting this way. You're gonna just get to the root cause and then figure out ways to make it easier. You are doing your best and getting better each day of this journey, and that's what you need to focus in on. You're learning every single day. You're incorporating processes and simplicity and different approaches. Some work, some don't. You make that fix and make that update, just like that Apple update that we get.

So, to end today, i want to cheer you on and tell you and challenge you to say what can you do to make things easier for you as a caregiver. Put that on the top of your journal and start looking for ways. As a matter of fact, next week episode we're gonna bring in Rosa, and she's a caregiver, but she also has some skills on organization. She has a small business that she works on from an organization perspective and she's got some ways and processes that she's implemented that she's going to share as well. So I'd love to hear from you. Share with me what you're doing to make things easier.

Let's flood the Facebook group. If you are out on Facebook, share it out there in our private Facebook group called the Caregiver Cup Online Community Oh my gosh, the Caregiver Cup Podcast Online Community. Or DM me if you're not on Facebook, and I will go ahead and add it out there And I'll be able to jump on a few lives this week and tell you and post them out there as well, on social media. So if you follow me out there as well, you have a good rest of the week and here's to you and I making things easier and not beating yourself up. We're learning as we go and we're going ahead and providing yourself with self-compassion, self-love and the self-care that we truly need. You take care, and we'll talk to you again next week. Bye for now.