Stop Believing Everything Your Brain Is Telling You

It's crazy how your brain is wired and what if feeds on.  Are you allowing your negative thoughts in?  What do you now believe about those negative thoughts?   How is it impacting you? 

In this episode, we're breaking down 

• what you are telling yourself (the positives and negatives)
• how it's impacting you as a caregivers 
• why it's easy for negativity to consume our thoughts and then we believe it
• how to switch those negative be thoughts and beliefs

It's essential to recognize that these beliefs are not necessarily accurate reflections of reality. Caregiving is a demanding role, and caregivers often neglect their own needs while providing support to others. Encouraging self-compassion, setting realistic expectations, seeking support from others, and acknowledging personal limitations can help caregivers challenge these beliefs and recognize their own efforts and value.

After the episode, take some time and answer these questions:

• what are your beliefs?
• What are your systems and support?
• What are your habits, patterns and behaviors?
• What are you and others seeing?  

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello, my friend. It's so good to be back again on another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here. Well, today's episode, I'm talking all about you, and you and I, really, about all the thoughts your brain is telling you, and then you and I believe. Then when you and I believe it, it becomes your truth, my truth. And then you start telling yourself it. And you know, the whole thing about you believe it, you feel it, you tell yourself it's true when maybe it's not even true. I'm going to tell you right now, stop it. I'm going to tell you what these are and what these are doing to you when you think this way, when you believe this way, and why your brain loves it and why you are saying what you are saying to yourself. So that's a lot put into just that opening statement. But if you were my best friend, let's say you you and I, and I believe we're friends, but let's say you and I were together, and I'm your best friend, and I heard you saying something that I know wasn't true. And I would go ahead and grab your shoulders, look at you in the eye, and tell you, it's not true. It's not true. And you need to just you need to stop telling yourself these untrue things and really focus on what you're really doing well and what is really true. And then I would give you a hug. And I would. If if you and I ever met, I would give you a hug. I I never used to be a hugger, but my mom was a hugger. And I've started now since she's passed, figuring that that's one thing that I can carry from her in my heart and give to others. And that's what she did. She was she was obnoxiously hugging, though. Sometimes it was like, oh mom, stop. But let's get back into it and get off my side tangent here. I want to break this all down for you today and make some sense about those negative thoughts and all of those negative thoughts, all that self-sabotage we are doing to ourselves internally. When you leave this episode, I'm giving you some homework. Yes, some homework, but it's it's good homework. I'm giving you some things to think about and some actions to start doing because you are going to you're doing great things and you're going to finally see it, and you're doing the best that you can in the situation that you're in. You are in a difficult journey right now. And the most important thing that you always hear me saying, you should embrace that you are making the best of it. And so that's my goal today is that you need to do it. So I'm going to jump in and pull the elephants from under the rug out right away today and jump right in to what I want to get to here. I want you to think about what you're telling yourself. And more specifically, all of the negative things you're telling yourself and all of the things that really aren't true. Here's an example. Why can't I get up in the morning for my walk? I used to tell myself this all the time. In the past, I used to be walking in the morning. I actually ran in the morning. And what I did is I started beating myself up with these thoughts about I'm lazy, I'm not motivated, I don't care anymore, I hate exercising. Then those feelings set in with when with me. And I would say things like, it's just too hard right now. I need the rest. I don't feel like it. Eventually, these became my actions. And I started, the reality was I started skipping my walks in the morning because I took in extra sleep. Or I would sometimes wouldn't even, I would lay there stressing about all of the things that I had to get done that day. And instead of instead of thinking and saying this way, I'm gonna just take a quick drink here once instead of believing myself, instead of taking that the things like I'm lazy, I'm not motivated, I don't care, instead, I should be saying, I deserve 30 minutes to myself in the morning. And I like to walk. And creating the the mentality of and really the habit of you get up early and I put on my walking shoes, and then after that, I can and after that I can go on with my day. But what I'm doing right now is I'm prioritizing my health and my stress and my habits that I'm creating by just taking that morning walk is I'm taking small steps in the morning to help reduce my stress and fix my mindset, and it actually gives me energy. And it's resulting in the only time in my day where I have control, and the only time in my day where it feels right and okay. And let me explain why I started out with this. The reason I'm so passionate about sharing this topic about negative mindsets and the untruths that we tell about ourselves and stuff is that uh I just started a Mel Robbins six-month coaching course. If you haven't heard about Mel Robbins, she's a life coach. Uh, she is a college professor. She's done, had the Mel Robbins show on TV for a year. She has a couple of really great best-selling books, the The Five Habits, um, the 54321. So if you haven't heard about her, you can go ahead and do that. I'm entering in my third week of this coaching course, and it's every day. It's every day, and it's changing who I am. It's teaching me so much about myself, so much about my mindset and how I want to improve to a better version of myself. When I look back at Kathy, Caregiving Kathy in 2017 and 2018, and even 2022, I had all of those negative beliefs and those negative truths. It felt like this big, heavy burden on my back. I told myself things like, I'm not a good caregiver. As much as I talked to you on the podcast, there were there were peaks and valleys. And in those valleys, I felt like I was not good, a good caregiver. I said to myself things like, I'm lazy. I said things to myself where I feel numb. I don't want to do this anymore. I felt like my life was over and it would never, ever be the same again. And I would never ever be able to do anything ever again. And that's how you feel in those deep, dark times of caregiving where you feel stuck. It's crazy. It's absolutely crazy how your brain is wired and what it feeds on. And I've talked about this before in other episodes is your brain is trained to go ahead and protect you and keep you in survival mode. So when negativity or bad things happen, then what your brain wants to do is your brain wants to protect you and make sure it's okay. And but a couple things I learned this week in the Mel Robbins course was that we have the ability to recognize it. And in Kathy's words, embrace it, understand our brain, and start making changes even in the hardest of seasons of our life. And I I want to tell you so, so much. And I think I'm gonna be able to tell you this over the weeks and add pieces of Mel's training into this because there are so many light bulbs, I swear. And what I do is it each day there's a a 15 of the 15 to 30 minute video, and then there's a journal that you like one or two pages of journaling that are just quick questions and that sort of thing. And then we have we commit to a project that we're working on, and we're supposed to commit to 15 minutes of working on that project. And more or less, it's it's all about self-discipline, self-motivations, and getting beyond the stock. But I am finding that, oh my gosh, it's uncovering so much about me thinking about my last almost six years of caregiving and trying to understand this brain and this mindset shift that I uh went down on, went up on, learned from, and really am a better person because of it. But the the piece I want to share with you, and she told everybody that it is shareable. So, first of all, my little disclaimer and legal note notice is she was okay with this. But I want you to think about an iceberg. Yes, an iceberg. What do you what do we all think about the Titanic right away? Iceberg! But I want you to think about an iceberg. And an iceberg, when you look at an iceberg, you only see the top part of the iceberg, right? And then the chili waters are underneath it. That's only 10% of the iceberg because there's a huge, huge base and it goes very, very deep. And so 90% of the iceberg is underwater. Think of how huge that 90% is. It's grounded, it goes deep, it's solid, it took down the Titanic. But our brain and most of us only see the 10%, and we only focus in on the 10%. And our brain is that way too. So let me share another example, and it's the negative thoughts that somebody can have with the iceberg analogy. Because I just shared the I didn't want to get up in the morning, but let me share another one, but really focus in on the iceberg model that that Mel taught me. Think of the base of the iceberg as your beliefs and your stories that you tell yourself. Let's use the example of I'm too busy. I am so busy. Caregiving sucks up all my time and energy. How many times have you said to yourself, I can't do this anymore? Or I hate my life right now, or my life is over. I can't tell you how many times I said this to myself and thought this and believed this because Caregiver sucked up all of my time, all of my energy. I was so super busy. And then when I wasn't busy, I was so exhausted and the emotions of caregiving just brought me down. Okay, so that's part of the iceberg, and that's the that's the uh that's part of it. And that's the let me make sure that I'm telling you it right. I'm gonna bring it up right now. Hold on a minute. That's the base of the iceberg, that's the base. Okay, so that see how I'm still learning. The second level of the iceberg is still underwater, and that is your your support systems, any processes you have in place. And so when I'm thinking about my negative thoughts, and and my negative thoughts is caregiving sucks up my time and energy, and I'm too busy. This is where you're thinking about, I don't have any help. Nobody helps me, or my help is limited, or your belief is your beliefs are and your support systems are you're burnt out now. You're spinning in place with so much chaos, and there's no hope that you'll ever catch up. Or you're telling yourself, each day is the same, and this is my life, and you feel lonely. And so the base is your belief, then your support or your lack of support and and the what's going on, the actions that you're doing and the processes that you have in place. Now, the third level is almost to the tip of the water, right? That's the the third level. These are your habits, your patterns, and your behaviors. What are you doing? And I'm gonna use things that I've did too. You might be complaining, you might be venting, or you might be pulling out your journal and just going out going to town on how you feel. I can pull out my journal where I just was venting and didn't have any help and I was still up at midnight and blah, blah, blah. Or another habit or pattern or behavior is you wake up each day with good intention, but you can't get everything done. You're like, okay, tomorrow I'm gonna wake up. Here's my to-do list, and I'm gonna jump right in. What happens is you get caught up in the day, you get some things done, and then you become exhausted. You feel exhausted, you're not motivated, you lose focus. Or another pattern or behavior is you find yourself crying in the shower, or you're looking at your friends' posts and you're jealous because they get to do things and you can't, and you're hating life. Now, the tip of the iceberg is what everyone sees, what you visualize. It's what it is. And think about the tip of the iceberg in this situation is you're frustrated, you're angry. You might even have, you might have even reacted and said something, or or there's resentment or sadness or whatever. Or the tip of the iceberg might be numbness, and you're just going through the emotions, and you don't really even find joy in anymore. Or you have piles of laundry or piles of paperwork, or your to-do list is too big, and you can see that. Specific examples might be of stress and exhaustion, and maybe you forget dinner, you forget to take out something for dinner, or you fall asleep in a waiting room and I'm holding up my hand, or you're you have to call in sick and take a mental health day because something has to give. And that's the tip of the iceberg. So that would be an example. First, my friend, I want to tell you it is completely normal to feel this way, to believe this way, to think this way, especially for you and I as caregivers with this extreme stress and burnout and all of the added responsibilities on our plate. It's perfectly normal. And our brain wants to protect us. And so our brain's going to start going into fight or flight or freeze mode. But today I want you to think about what you can control, what you can do, what you can believe, what you should be working on versus the negativity. And that's hard because it's hard to rewire the brain, because the brain is a complex organ with intricate wiring and functioning, and it's attached to every single part of our body. The way our brain processes information and forms beliefs is influenced by a combination of our biological, our psychological, and social factors. And when it comes to negative thoughts and self-sabotaging beliefs and self and several mechanisms, they all contribute to some sort of development and their own development. And I want to share some research, a little bit of research with you. And there's five things I want to talk about here is negativity biases. The brain has a natural tendency to prioritize negative information over positive information. Darn it all. This bias may be have evolved as a survival mechanism. Think about you. In caregiving, you're pretty much in survival mode sometimes. Consequently, negative thoughts can have a stronger impact on our mental state and can be more memorable than our positive thoughts. Who can attest to that? When you think back, do you remember more positive or do you remember more negative? Especially when it becomes to care, when it comes to caregiving. Another thought, um, another piece of research is our neural pathways and plasticity. The brain forms neural pathways through repeated patterns of thinking and behavior. When we consistently engage in negative thinking, these pathways strengthen, make it, it makes it easier for negative thoughts to arise automatically. And so when you continue to go ahead and focus in on the negative thoughts, it just actually builds. The process is known as neuroplasticity, which reflects the brain's ability to adapt and reorganize itself based on experiences. And so when you continue to tell yourself, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I hate, I hate, I hate, the brain is building. Pretend that it's like building and there's a machine going on in your brain. It's going to say, okay, Kathy wants more negativity. I'm going to go ahead and build more space for the negativity and the untruths. Hey, that's that's another one. So cognitive distortion is another one. Our patterns of biased thinking that contribute to negative thoughts and our self-sabotaging beliefs. If you think about um when we when somebody exaggerates the truth or there's an accident on the highway, and somebody you really get into it, you start building on that and you start thinking about the worse. The distortions can become habitual in reinforcing your negative thoughts. Another example is let's say, well, I can think about this with my house husband. When something would happen with my husband and he got another cancer diagnosis, I would Google, I would start looking at it. I would start going ahead and looking at all the negative, looking at all the risks, and start building that in my brain when it's not even, I'm not even sure that it's it's true. Another one is past experiences and our conditioning. Early life experiences, like maybe our trauma or criticism or neglect can shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. And these negative experiences may lead to the internalization of being self-critical and self-sabotaging. And social conditionings and cultural influences can play a role in shaping our beliefs and perceptions as well. And so if you are accustomed to that, or if bad things have happened or trauma, it's it's hard. And so that's why each and every day I try to journal or I try to go ahead and look at gratitude. Another one is self-fulfilling prophecies. And no, we're not going to church, but it reminded me of that when I read it for some reason. When individuals hold negative beliefs about themselves and they may engage in the behaviors that align with those beliefs, you start creating this self-fulfilling prophecy. So, like if somebody believes they're destined to fail, they may be less likely to take a risk and pursue opportunities and they just reinforce it. They just reinforce it. I can't go ahead and have lunch with my friend because I have to be there for caregiving and there is no time. Is that a true truth? Say that 10 times. Or is that that something you're conditioning yourself to say and you're holding yourself back because you just don't want to face your friend because your life Sucks right now, you know, whatever it would be. So I want to also move into the whys, too, and why women, especially us as women, we feel like we are not doing enough as caregivers. We are not doing enough. Because I think it's easy for us to go ahead and saying, okay, this is the reason, or these are some of the the brain science behind it. But why do we do it in addition to it? For example, let me grab one up here once. Like let's say we can we use our neuropathways and plasticity. I said it so nice before. Now I'm having a hard time, but um, let's say we are just building our brain with all of our negative thoughts and we keep feeding it, feeding it, feeding it, and eventually our brain is building more room for negative thoughts. And if we continue to do that without understanding why, then we'll never be able to recognize it and shift our brains to the positive. And so, why, as women, we feel like we are not doing enough as a caregiver? Let's talk about it. There are six here that I thought about, but I also want you to think about yourself. Why do you feel like you are not doing enough? Maybe it's one of these six, but maybe it's not. Are you holding yourself to high expectations or better yet, the expectations of yourself before you were a caregiver versus now? Are you expecting too much of yourself and holding yourself up? I know a lot of you, you might be a high achiever, you might be a perfectionist, you might be a people pleaser, but that doesn't mean you should go ahead and expect the highest from yourself 24-7. Sometimes you just have to go ahead and give it 80%. And here's what I'm saying: give it 80%. Let the 20% fall, and that's okay. Maybe you can't get to that low to wash today, and that's okay. Um, my husband has been complimenting me over probably the last two months now because the first time in a long time has he seen me sit down in a chair and just totally relax. I've not been able to do that. I held myself to too high of expectations for too long and I can't get my body to relax. And so I've been trying different things and trying to get myself to relax. Another thing, are you comparing yourself to others? Right now, you can't, you should not be. If you are trying to go ahead and work and caregive and take care of your family and take care of the household, and you're looking at other people and they have this beautiful life, and their yard is beautifully manicured, and their nails are done and their hairs are done. I'm gonna just tell you, and I'm gonna, I'm just gonna be the feisty Cassidy today. I'm gonna tell you, screw that. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are doing the best that you can, and you have to be okay with that. If you don't have time to go ahead and put a lot of makeup on so that you can go to take your loved ones to the doctor's appointment, then just put a little bit of lipstick on, a little bit of eyeshadow, and you're ready to go. Put your hair up in a bun. You are doing the best that you can. You are doing the best. And you you just have to go ahead and be realistic about it. Prioritize what's important, and that should be you. But again, you can't be doing that. I also want women, sometimes we are not doing enough as a caregiver because of emotional exhaustion. And I want you to think about how you feel right now. I know that you're probably saying I'm physically exhausted, but I also want you to look at your emotional exhaustion. Why are you emotionally exhausted? Yeah, there are some things that you can control, and your emotions is one of them. And so I want you to think about taking baby steps and asking yourself what you can do. Okay, I'm gonna give away a little bit more. In Mel's course, Mel Robin's course, there was a whole day she did a video on the vagus nerve. And I've know I've talked about this and how the vagus nerve is an important piece and that keeps you calm and keeps you um grounded and has you pe gives you peace. But when your vagus nerve is broken, it creates anxiety, stress, emotions, fear. Um you it starts affecting your body physically and mentally, and you have to find ways to go ahead and train and calm yourself down and heal that vagus nerve. I feel mine is totally broken still from those years of caregiving. But then when I reflect on it, I already broke my vagus nerve before caregiving, and I just went ahead and made it worse and worse and worse. Um, the sitting, for example, is an example. Well, today I started, she gave, I think it was seven things that you could do to heal your vagus nerve. And then we had to pick one that we want to work on. And I picked walking in nature without headphones, without distractions. And I usually walk in the morning and listen to podcasts or motivational music or something. And today I tried to walk without my headphones. It felt really weird. And I was thinking in my head the whole time, and I caught myself three or four times saying, Kathy, stop, stop, Kathy, and just listen to nature, listen to the birds, look at the beautiful flowered trees, look at that. And it was really hard. So I want you to think about your emotional exhaustion and what you can do. Another why of why women feel that they're not doing enough is their self-sacrificing mindset. I know it's a cultural thing, I know it's a women thing, but are we truly sacrificing everything for it? Is that truly the mindset you want to have? Versus are you a caregiver? Not a care sacrificer. I don't even know if that's right, but I'm just using that and going with it. Why are you sacrificing your health, your mindset, your overall happiness? Why are you sacrificing everything? You shouldn't be. What? This will be a good thing for you to think about. Another why is why women feel we are doing enough not doing enough is lack of external validation and appreciation. Yeah. We don't we don't get that, you know, she, you know, that that validation, that appreciation. I think moms in general, women in general, and if you need that, and if you're lacking that, how can you get that? Is it going to be you journaling what you're most proud of and all the wins that you did? Uh as a matter of fact, Monday, I'm recording this on Monday. Um, on Sunday, I went ahead and did a short little video saying embrace what you're doing, celebrate your wins. In Mel's course, in Mel Robin's course, she said every day that you watch the video, you do the journaling, and you work 30, 15 to 30 minutes on your project, you're supposed to celebrate. You're supposed to celebrate. And you have to figure out what that validation is for you. And if that validation is for you to write it down, or if it's uh Mel uses the gold star. Is it asking your family members once in a while to be thankful? Is it telling your friends, hey, can you help me with my appreciation and validation? I'm telling myself bad thoughts. You have to find that. You may not get that from your loved one. You may not. You may not get that. But there are a lot of people that recognize it. They recognize it. Or the other one that we're we're not doing enough as a caregiver, or we feel we're not, is unrealistic self-criticism. How many times do you tell yourself I'm stupid, I'm a loser, I can't do this, I'm not smart, whatever. Stop, stop, recognize it and tell yourself to stop. What else are you telling yourself? What are why do you feel you're not good enough? Because you have to come to the table with that so that you can shift that. And I'm gonna use the analogy of a light switch. Behind the wall is the wiring, and pretend that's your brain. That's the brain, that's the wiring. And when you are self-sabotaging, when you're holding yourself to higher expectations, when you're emotionally exhausted, when you are have all those negative thoughts, the light switch is on. And remember, it's just feeding and feeding and feeding and feeding, and you're using up all that energy and that light energy. Go to the light switch and turn it off and ask yourself, what can I do? Now, let's just talk about another piece. Then add on top of it what we say and the emotions and thoughts we believe. So if you're saying that you're not good enough and you don't have enough time, or I missed an appointment, or I didn't get dinner done because I ran out of time and I have to order in, what are the emotions that come to you? Are are you feeling shame? Are you feeling guilt? Are you worried about what people think? It's essential that these beliefs are not necessarily accurate reflections of your reality. You are feeling the shame. Why? Because you're human? Because you, you know, dropped your phone and broke it because you, you know, whatever. Why are you feeling guilty when you actually fell asleep on the chair in the waiting room and your spouse had to go ahead and nudge you? I did that. And why do you feel guilty? You were tired. You were tired. Why are you worried about what people think when you go to the grocery store and in your in your yoga pants and your baseball hat and you don't have your makeup on? Well, you know what? I had a busy day. That's who I am behind the scenes. Caregiving is a demanding role, and caregiving often caregivers like us often neglect our own needs while because we're supporting and providing care to our loved ones. So we need to encourage ourselves and embrace self-compassion, granting ourselves, looking at those expectations and setting realistic expectations, looking for help and support from others, whether we want to or not, and acknowledging what our personal limitations can be in this challenging caregiving time, and most importantly, telling ourselves what we should believe and recognizing ourselves for our efforts and values, not the things that are negative. It's not about being perfect. We all know that. I even question if this is about sacrificing yourself and who you are. I question that as well. I still just someday saying, did I really have to sacrifice all of that? Don't get me wrong, I am proud of caregiving for my mom and dad, but at what cost? At what cost? I'm personally right now looking back at my journey. And first, I don't regret what I did, but I could have done better. And most importantly, though, I learned from it. And that's what I want you to get at right now. Look back at what you're doing. Learn and make shifts. I think your family members around you that know you the best, that love you the most, will be surprised if you say, you know what, I'm looking back and I am just exhausted. And I need to figure out something different right now. I need to figure out a half a day where I can go ahead and catch up with myself and be alone a little bit. So we have to figure out what we can do. Sure, yeah, some people won't like it, but you know what? You have to be strong and be proud of it. What I do regret is what I believe and what I believed and told myself. So this coaching program, oh my gosh. Like I said, we watch the video each day. There's some questions from the video that we have to put in this journal. And then it just is building, and I'm finally figuring out some things. I'm gonna read something that's very personal and very raw. And I'm not gonna fill in a lot of the blanks, but my little disclaimer here is my mom and dad did the best that they could. I love them dearly. They, I truly am to blame for some of the things that I am reading, but on the flip side, it's true. And so the question is, what are some beliefs about myself I'm holding on to? That's what's in the book. What are some beliefs about myself that I'm holding on to? Here's what I wrote. I've doubted myself for years because I don't have a college degree. I I have some certifications, but I don't have a formal college degree. I've had to prove myself over and over and over again in corporate America. And you know what? I did it. I did it. You know, I moved and found opportunities. And I've done the same, if not better, than my co-workers in corporate America, but still was not paid and given the opportunities because of my degree. I kept beating myself up. I kept telling myself I wasn't good enough. In the flip side, I chose, I chose my life. I chose to raise my kids as a young mom. I wanted young, I wanted to be a young mom and raise all of my kids, and I worked my ass off. I've succeeded in the hard way. I succeeded the hard way, and am, I really am a student and a professional learner for life. I've gone to the school of hard knocks, and if I didn't know something, I went ahead and learned it. I went ahead and found people. I've taught, retaught myself, and taught myself over and over again. When I look back though, prior to being a mom, this is only one component. I wasn't a very good student in high school. I chose to do the social thing more often. I chose to go ahead and find Dennis and do and focus in on that. So my parents told me I was not smart enough. And I did and I wasn't disciplined enough to go to college. So my whole caregiving life was to prove to them that I was committed and smart. I was on a mission to prove that to my parents versus myself. It put lots of thoughts in my head that now I look back at and think, I can't believe I thought this. I can't believe that I believe this. Still to this day, and this is where I'm at right now. I worry people will say, is she an expert? Is she knowledgeable? Should they do business with her? Because of that, and I need to go ahead and let that negative thought go and stop that untruth and start building the positive side. I need my brain and the neuroplasticity in my brain to start building the mechanisms in the left side of my brain, which is the positive side. Now, this was very, very hard for me to do, to be raw and honest with myself, but it made me uncover the onion and really look at my thoughts and beliefs. I know there's a lot more. What was under the water? What was under the water? And once you can step in and get those insights and then go 90% down in the water, 90% you're going to gain so much information about yourself. I now I now know why I push myself today. I know my habits and behaviors around my beliefs right now. I know why I don't ask for help. Because I need to keep proving to myself and everybody around me that I am smart enough. I am capable. And that's ridiculous. But that's what I do. That's what I do. So that's kind of where I'm at. I'm not going to stay there anymore. I really am not. And I want you to find something like this and say that as well. I'm not going to stay there anymore and do it all myself, for example. It takes courage to do it. It takes courage to put your foot down and saying, no more brain, no more body, no more, and say your name. And a willingness to lean into the wise, a willingness to move away from the negative beliefs and thoughts and your habits. So today, my friend, this is what I want your homework to be. I want you to draw an iceberg. And it can be like you can even draw like a triangle if you want to, or you can draw two triangles where they're back to back. But I want you to draw that iceberg. And then I want you to draw the water and only show 10% of the iceberg above the water. And then at the very bottom or the base of your iceberg, I want you to write your beliefs and your stories. And then I want you to spend some time thinking about what are your beliefs right now and the story that you're telling yourself. And then above it, the beliefs and the stories, I want you to write, what are your systems and support? And what are things that are in place or not in place? What are your systems? So, for example, if I don't have time, I don't have time, what are your current systems and support? You might have no systems in place to help you. You might be in burnout. You might be having a To-do list that has 50 things on it each day. And so your only system is play in place is to drink coffee and taking as much caffeine as you can. That was me. Talk about burning out your guts. And you might feel isolated. Figure out that. And then right above it, and it's touching the water. What are your habits, your patterns, and all of the and what behaviors are are in that? And what do you do? What do you say? What do you, what do you, you know, what do you do? You might complain, you might procrastinate, you might have to take naps because you're so burnt out. And that's what I was doing. I would push and push and push and push. And then I'd find myself having to take two naps every day because I'd get up at 5 a.m. I wouldn't go to bed until midnight. But then I wouldn't, I wouldn't be functioning because I couldn't sleep, you know, because I was drinking all that caffeine. Oh my God. So I could go on and on. And then the last one is the tip of the iceberg. What are people seeing? What are people hearing? What is happening at the surface? And writing down that. And maybe it's you're you're you're yelling at your loved one. Maybe it's resentment. Maybe it's frustration. Maybe it's um, maybe it's missing appointments. What are the the obvious things? I want you to spend some time on that so you can recognize it. Then I want you to draw another iceberg and do it again and change things to a positive. Find one thing you want to work on and one thing that you want to do. And maybe it's you're going to ask for help. And so, what are the beliefs and stories now that you're telling yourself about getting help? Help if I can get my brother to take mom to her hair appointments and her grocery shopping that gives me back X amount of time. And then the support system is texting back and forth and writing it on my mom's calendar. So, what would it be? And then what are the habits and behaviors? What can you do during that time? What are you getting from your brother helping? And then what is happening for you? Were you able to go ahead and you know get a full full week of work in and you didn't have to take work off? Or were you able to get time to yourself or you know, whatever it would be, and and shift those into a positive? So to end today, I want to talk to you about awareness and recognizing your situation. And if your brain is feeding and feeding and building mechanisms on the negative side all the time, I want you to stop and catch yourself first. Recognize it, write them down, take your notes and your phone and do a voice memo to you and saying, I said it again, or I saying this, and then do an assessment of that. That's your first step. Once you start recognizing it, you can start fixing it. I used to do a lot of on the podcast, and I would like click my lips or something, and I had to be aware of that so that I could improve my podcast. Now, you're probably gonna pay attention to it and see if that happens again. But if you want to improve something, you have to go ahead and be aware of it first. I didn't say I sucked at podcasting. I said, oh, here's an error or here's something I can improve on, what can I do? So once you find that awareness and you recognize it, then you can go ahead and start looking at ways to improve it, improve it. Once you do that, you can then move to resolving or improving it and being a better version of yourself. So if you are saying, I feel stuck, and that's your issue, work through that iceberg, and you're going to be able to see what behaviors and then say to yourself, what could I say instead? Because remember, your body or I'm your mind wants to go ahead. Oh, Kathy said stuck. Let's go ahead and capture everything that she's stuck at. It's kind of like if you want to buy a new white SUV, all of a sudden you see all the SUVs out there that are white, and you're like, oh my God, I didn't know there were that many white SUVs. Same applies for negativity. You want to reverse that. You want to go ahead and start focusing on what can I say? What things am I going to dismiss and throw away because it's not my my truths? And what's one thing that I could do to shift that? What can I do to turn the light switch off and enjoy the sunshine in the room? I hope you found this episode possible uh uh uh positive and beneficial. I don't even know what I was trying to say there. I hope you found this episode helpful. Maybe that's a better word. And I would love to hear from you. What are you, what are the negative thoughts that you're saying to yourself? Better yet, draw the iceberg and share it with me. I would love to. You don't know how high I would get off of it. It would be like, oh, woohoo! I want to see it. And better yet, I can help you if you get stuck. Reach out to me. Will you have a good rest of your day? And here's to positivity, here's to working the neuroplasticity on the positive side of your brain and building those positive mechanisms and ions and whatever heck they call them all over in the technical word. And let's go ahead and start rewiring our brain. Do the things that you can control. There's going to be a lot in your caregiver world that you can, but you can control your thoughts and your beliefs and some of your habits and your behaviors. Let's do this together and make this caregiving a better place. It all starts with filling your cup first. And we did that today. Have a good one. Bye for now.