It’s Okay to Be Angry as a Caregiver

Have you ever felt angry as a caregiver…
 and then immediately felt guilty for it?

My friend… you are not alone.
 And there is nothing wrong with you.

In this episode, we’re talking about caregiver anger—the frustration, the quick reactions, and the guilt that follows.

✨ Why anger shows up
 ✨ What’s underneath it
 ✨ How to release the guilt
 ✨ And simple ways to respond with more awareness

You’ll also hear a personal story about walking Eddie that reminds us:

👉 You can feel angry… and still be loving.
 👉 You can have a hard moment… and still be doing an amazing job.

As you listen, gently ask yourself:

💛 What is my cup telling me today?

Because your anger…

👉 doesn’t define you.
 👉 it’s trying to guide you.

Transcript

Eddie’s Walk And A Familiar Snap

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast in season three. It's Kathy here. So I want to start today with a story. It's about Eddie. Now, Eddie, if you don't know, is my second dog that we currently have. He is a hurting dog. We really don't know. We got him through a rescue group. He looks a little bit of an Aussie mix, but his nose looks like a bulldog. The big thing about Eddie is he's very strong, he's energetic, and he loves his walks, especially when he can see rabbits and squirrels. He just loves his walk. And I've done the training with him. We had a trainer come through in when he was a puppy. Now he's going to be he's going to be three in July. And we had I had a trainer come to our house and she helped me with walking him right and bringing him to his spot when it's time to um invite people over and stuff like that. We've worked on it and he knows what to do, especially when it comes to walks. But there are moments when he gets into I call his focused mindset, and it looks like and it's almost like he loses it. He smells something or he sees a rabbit, and I just had it in the morning walk. He sees a squirrel, and boom, he's gone. And when that happens, he pulls hard. And this morning he pulled so hard and he was almost crying, and he wanted to climb up the tree. And I can feel it in my hips and in my back and in my legs when he pulls hard. And I'll be honest with you, in those moments, I get so mad. And if you're walking near me, I'll use the word like Edward, slow down, and some other choice words. And the more I get frustrated, the more I feel the tension building in me. And guess what he does? He just pulls even harder. And my trainer, when we were going through this process with him, she's like, You have a herding dog. And so he's not a typical, I'm used to labs or golden retrievers or whatever. And he wants to pull. That's his job. And she always said to me, he can feel your energy. So if you're getting frustrated, he'll feel the frustration. If he feels positivity, he'll he'll feel he'll be really good. So now I've got a dog pulling me down the street, and I've got my frustration rising. And then comes the moments in my head. Worst dog ever. I'll never walk you again. Or no treats for you when you get home. And I'm in it. And I mean it. But then we get home and he's happy. He's he's panting, and you can see the smile, and his tail is wigging, coming up to me, saying, Thank you, mama, for taking me for a walk. And he's giving me kisses and wanting to snuggle. Like the walk was the best thing I ever did for him. And me, then I feel so guilty. Guilty for snapping at him, guilty for yelling, guilty for the thoughts I had in my head, because I love him and I didn't like how I showed up in that moment. I have to understand him and the way he acts. And that right there is exactly what I want to talk about today, my friend, because caregiving can feel like this sometimes. You're doing your best, you're showing up, you're trying to handle everything, and then something happens, and the frustration comes out, the anger shows up, the reaction comes faster than you expected, and then right behind it, the guilt. Thinking words like, why did I react this way? Another one, I shouldn't feel this way, or that's not what I want to be, or I that's not how I want to show up. But my friend, what if I told you it's okay to feel angry? Not because we want to stay there, but because it's part of being human. And today we're going to talk about that. So let's pause for a pause here for a second because what we're talking about today matters. Your emotions are real, they are valid. And that's what we're talking about in season three. But I wanted to go ahead and reinforce this anger piece. And they don't need to be your emotions, don't need to be minimized, they don't need to be explained away or compared to anything else or anyone else's situation. Because what you're feeling is coming from something real that you're experiencing. Let me say it again. It's coming from something real that you're experiencing. And I want you to hear this clearly. You are not ungrateful. You are not doing caregiving wrong. You are human. And caregiving, it's one of the most emotionally draining and demanding roles you'll ever have, or you can have. In fact, research and studies show that 60% of caregivers experience high emotional stress, especially family caregivers. And many report feeling like frustration, anger, and even resentment, especially when they're exhausted, especially when you're unsupported, especially when you're carrying it all alone. So if you felt that, you're not the exception. You're part of the reality of caregiving. And there's actually something else that's important to understand. Anger itself, it's not a bad emotion. From a psychologist standpoint, anger is what we call a secondary emotion, meaning it's often protecting something deeper. So if you think about it, you think about a bullseye, it something deeper is that middle of the bullseye. On the outside are circles, and anger is one of them protecting maybe it's maybe anger's protecting hurt or fear or exhaustion or overwhelm. So when anger shows up, it's not random, it's your body and mind saying something needs attention. And I love this way of thinking about it because emotions are messengers, not problems. They're not here to work against you, they're here to inform you. So instead of judging yourselves or trying to push it away, what if you allowed yourself to say, hmm, this is real, this makes sense. I'm allowed to feel this because caregiving is hard. And sometimes anger is part of that. So let's just say it out loud. It's okay to feel angry. Not because we want to stay there, but because it's real. And when we start to understand where anger comes from, it actually begins to make more sense. Because anger doesn't just show up randomly, it comes from something. So I want to give you, I want it, I want to break these apart. First one being exhaustion. There are moments when your body is just done. And then anger shows up. I remember when Dennis had to go inpatient back in October. He had a stem cell transplant week from last spring to early summer, and he was starting to do good. But then he had a he had an episode where it set him back. And so I had a drive. We called the doctor and said, This is the situation, you know, what should we do? And they said, come on down to Freighter. We go right back to the same floor and the same specialty area. So I drove two hours to Freighter to get him admitted at 6:30 p.m. at night. I stayed up all night because he wasn't good, doing good, running on no sleep, laid by him while he was getting IVs and getting all his blood work and medications and trying to process everything that was happening. And it was pretty, pretty scary at that time. And when the doctors couldn't identify what was going on, guess what? I snapped. Not because I didn't respect them, not because I wasn't grateful for his team, but because I was exhausted and they couldn't give me the answer. My cop had nothing left. So that's exhaustion. Now the another one is feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it's not one big thing, it's everything. Think about it, over being overwhelmed because you have appointments and medications and schedules and decisions and emotions. Your brain is trying to hold all of it at one time, and then one small thing happens, and it's like, I just can't take one more thing. And you snap or you get frustrated, and the anger comes out, and if you look at it, you're exhausted. Another one where I see a lot of is lack of support. There are moments when it feels like it all falls on you. You're the one coordinating everyone, everything. You're the one showing up, you're the one remembering all the details, you're the one doing all the minuscule, you know, tasks behind the scenes. And maybe people say, Let me know if you need anything. Or I have to work, but you know, maybe I can help on the weekend, but they don't really see what you're carrying, and that can build frustration comes, you know, to the point where you just like you feel like you're the only one doing it. The other one I want to talk about is feeling unseen and unappreciated. This is a big one. You're giving so much your time, your energy, your heart. And sometimes no one asks you how you're doing. No one sees the behind the scenes. I remember going to the grocery store in our in our town here before even the transplant happened, or even when I was caring for my mom, uh, and everybody would see me at the grocery store and they'd say, Hi, Kathy, how's mom doing? No one asked me what how I was doing, no one sees behind the scenes. And they would say things like, Your mom is so lucky to have you. And I would smile. And the first few times it was okay. After a while, it would be like, Seriously, don't you wanna, don't you really know? And that can feel heavy, that can make that anger just frustrate you and or come out because you're frustrated and and nobody sees you. Another one is caring too much for too long, and then there's this layer I want to think about of just holding it together day after day, week after week, some of you month after month, some of you years after years. You're pushing through, not stopping, not processing, not taking a break until eventually it comes out. And when you look at all of this together, it starts to make sense. Anger isn't the problem, it's the signal, and it's your body and your mind saying something here needs attention. So instead of judging it or trying to push it away, notice the spill, even when it shows up as anger, even when it shows up as not your best moment. So if anger is part of this, right, and it's showing up, the next question becomes why? Because anger doesn't just appear out of nowhere. We kind of talked about this in those examples. It's trying to tell you something. And when we understand that we're s we we stop fighting it, let me back up. And when we understand that anger or recognize it and asking ourselves, then we can stop fighting it and start listening. We can start seeing anger as not a bad thing, but as I need to understand why it's telling me something, and then comes the next layer, the guilt, right? You understand why now, and then it's the guilt. A lot of times when I'm walking Eddie, I think about this with Eddie. After those walks, when I've snapped and raised my voice and felt frustrated, many times I was tired in the morning, or many times I wanted to get this normal walk in, and then I feel guilty. When we get home and he's happy and his tail is wigging, and he's coming up to me and wanting snuggles and kisses, like the walk was the best part of his day. I have to say, and me, I feel it, that heaviness of guilt. Why did I react like that? Another question I might ask is, I shouldn't have gotten so mad. He didn't deserve it. You might be thinking about if you snapped at your loved one or the doctor or the nurse or you know, just you know, somebody that drops something off at the door. And caregiving can feel the exact same way as I felt with Eddie. You have a moment where the anger comes out and you snap or you shut down. A lot of times I might even just shut down, you react faster than you wanted to. Those might be some example. And then right behind it, like I said, comes the guilt. And you you start saying, I should, I shouldn't have felt this way. They're the one going through this, not me. I should have been stronger. I should have handled this better. Oh my gosh. If I had if I had said that forever and ever and ever, the should have's, oh my gosh. I I always say, should of yourself, you know, you could be that way forever. You know, when you're feeling that way. Um, I just lost myself in my notes now. So I want to find out where I where I should have been. But, you know, I think it's it's just a common thing to feel this way, the the should haves and the could have's. I hit my button and it went all the way back to the top. So I want to just find out where I'm at here once. So bear with me. Um here we go. Here we go. That guilt, it can be heavy to carry. And if you continue to beat yourself up after you've had an angry moment, whether that be at somebody, at yourself, at your loved one, whatever it would be, you don't want to because I love this quote from Franz Kafka. I don't know if it's a he or a she. The quote says, Guilt is a weight that will crush you, whether you deserve it or not. Because that's exactly what it can feel like. It sits on your chest, it replays in your mind, it makes you question yourself. You may even not be able to sleep because you rehash it. And I feel women carry that more than men. Men, at least the men that I know, that they're able to let it go faster than women. I tend to, you know, feel bad and overplay it. Mentally, guilt it keeps you stuck in the moment because you're replaying it, you're over-analyzing it, or you're judging yourself for it. So mentally, guilt can do that. Guilt physically, you can feel it too. The tension, the tightness, the exhaustion that feels deeper than you've you've just been tired and you you just feel it. And then comes the stories we tell ourselves. Think about the Tories. You continue to tell yourself when you're angry and you feel, and then you feel the guilt. I'm not handling this well. I'm not a very good caregiver. I'm not as patient as I should be. Something is wrong with me. But my friend, here's the truth. I want you to hold on to this today. Feeling angry does not mean you don't love them. You don't, you're not a good caregiver. It does not mean that both can exist. You can love someone deeply and still feel frustrated, either at them, at the situation, in the moment. You can care with your whole heart and still have moments where it feels like too much. What comes to my mind right now is a teacher. I don't know if you, any of you have your profession was a teacher. My daughter-in-law is a teacher, and I've been, I've I've been in the I was in adult learning for 30 some years in my corporate job. And you love teaching, and you love the interaction with the children or the students or whatever. But there are moments when you just feel like you're you're overstressed or overwhelmed, or the situation calls for anger. And we've all seen that or experienced that. I love this reminder too. No amount of guilt can change the past, no amount of anxiety can change the future. Sitting in guilt, replaying it and carrying it forward, it doesn't serve you. It only weighs you down. So instead of asking, why did I feel this way? What if you just gently asked yourself, what was I carrying in that moment? What was I carrying in that moment? Because that shift moves you from judgment to understanding. What was I carrying in that moment? So let's bring it back to something simple. And and I call this the gentle awareness shift because you don't have to figure everything out right now, my friend. You don't have to fix it. Have to solve it, you don't have to make it go away. What if instead of pushing the anger away, you just noticed it? You notice the spill, right? Not with judgment, not with frustration, not with I shouldn't feel this way, just with awareness. Can you see the theme in the season three? I feel angry right now. If you said that to me, I would say kudos. You are aware. And then just gently ask yourself, what is my cup telling me today? What is my cup telling me today? You know, going back to exhaustion or to overwhelm or not feeling appreciated. What is my cup telling me today? Because here's a gentle reminder I want you to hold on to. You can't heal what you don't allow yourself to feel. Let me say it again. You can't heal what you don't allow yourself to feel. So instead of shut it, shutting it down or pushing it aside, what if you give yourself permission to just be with it just for a moment with no judgment, just awareness? And sometimes that small shift is where everything begins to change. So now that you've noticed it, now that you've named it, the next step isn't to fix everything. It's simply to respond. And I want to keep this really simple because caregiving doesn't leave a lot of room for big, complicated solutions or fixes. This is about finding small ways that work for you. Your, you know, I think about it, it's it's your go-to, whatever that is, and maybe even a backup go-to. When you are starting to feel angry or you're in an angry moment, what is your go-to for those moments when things feel extra heavy? Because what works for me might not work for you. It everybody's different. For some, it's placing a hand on your heart and pausing for a second and just taking a breath. I do this a lot. For others, it's closing your eyes and saying a short prayer, even if it's just help me through this moment. For some, it's stepping away. Walking into another room, sitting in your car for a minute, standing outside and just getting some fresh air. And for others, it may be just naming it. I'm feeling frustrated. Gosh, this is so hard. And letting that be enough for the moment. Finding your go-to. You might also find a go-to in in these ways. I'm gonna give you a few others. Take three slow deep breaths. You could do that in the car, you could do that anywhere. Stretch your shoulders or unclenching your jaw. It might be turning on music even for one song. Maybe there's a song that helps you, you know, calm down or laugh. It might be letting yourself cry in a place even for a minute. It might be texting someone safe just to say, hey, I'm having a hard day. And they might be your go-to person that listens. It might be writing one sentence in a notebook or on your phone. It might be putting your hand on your chest and saying, I'm okay. I'm getting through this. It might be, like I said, stepping outside and listening to the traffic or taking the sun on your face, uh, finding quiet. These aren't big things that you notice, but they they create space, and that's the big thing for you. What is your go-to space? What is your go-to getaway? And and that space, it's it interrupts the reaction, what I'm trying to say. It softens the moment, it gives you enough room because once I get angry sometimes, it keeps building for me. And I have to find that go-to to let it go, to choose what comes next. Because this isn't about doing it perfectly, it's about having something, something to come back to, thinking about it too. It could be just saying, I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back. And you really don't have to go to the bathroom, but that's the only place where you can sit down and do a breath or two. So I want you to think about this. What could be your go-to in those moments before you even get angry again? What could be it? You know, what could be a small plan that you're going to use? And if that one doesn't work, what's another backup plan? Because having these ready, even just one or two, can make it all the difference. Remember, you don't have to fix everything. You just need a way to support yourself. Because what's happening in those anger moments, think about what your body is doing. Your blood pressure is going up, you the stress and tension is feeding your body. It can develop into you know headaches or whatever it could be. And you want to go ahead and get that out in the in the moment that you're in. So before we wrap up today, I want to come back to again, Eddie. Eddie, again, and one of those walks where he was pulling, and now I have some ideas, and I have my my go-to and my backup go-to, where he's pulling and I'm frustrating. It didn't go the way I wanted it to. And we get home and he's happy. He got his walk, he got his exercise, he got to be outside doing what he loves. And as I sit there taking my shoot off and catching my breath, I had moments where I just pause and shift my perspective when I was walking. Instead of letting his pulling and my frustration carry the rest of my day, I think we got outside. We moved our bodies. We had that time together. Because there's no way to predict if he's going to have a good walk or a bad walk. And there are going to be days when I'm going to wake up tired or my body aches, or I just the weather's not good. I don't feel like going. But when I say we got outside, we moved our bodies, we had that time together as my go-tos, I find myself then grateful. Not because it was perfect, but because it was real. And caregiving can be the same way. It's not easy. There are moments of frustration, moments of anger, moments that don't go how we want it to go. But when we acknowledge these emotions, when we stop pushing them away, when we release the guilt, we create space. Small moments, moments of connection, moments of fresh air, moments of meaning. Even in the middle of something hard. For me, when it was at at Freytert Hospital, when I he, Dennis was admitted at at 6 p.m. And after getting checked in and starting everything, it was more like 10 o'clock before everything was settled. And he was not stable enough in my mind to go ahead and and leave. And so I just asked the nurse, can I just get a blanket and a pillow and I'll sleep on this little bench next to him? Um, and then they get him up every single hour. And when they came in and they couldn't really figure anything out, yeah, I got angry or snippy. It wasn't bad, but it was there. Um, and I learned now that yeah, I'm probably gonna be angry because I'm frustrated. And I probably could say, yeah, this is frustrating. And then going ahead and taking a walk, going to get breakfast, taking in some deep breaths, understanding, yeah, I'm just tired, but I have to do what I have to do. And I think we are all in that situation. There are going to be urgent and chaotic times where sleep is going to be a problem. There's going to be times when there's a lot going on and you're just tired of being a caregiver, and you're going to go ahead and have those angry moments. So I want to leave with this. When we when was I when was the last time anchor showed up for you? I want to think you to think about that. A lot of you love the journal, so this might be a great one. When was the last time anger showed up for you? What might have been underneath it? Understanding it. Another question you can ask yourself: did you push it away or did you notice it? Or did you do both? Those that's the first step. That's the first step. And when you can start working through that, and wherever you are right now, I want you to hear this. You are not alone. This is part of the caregiving that nobody talks about. It's hard. And it does not make you a bad person when emotions seep in, when anger and guilt come into play. You are doing the best you can. And even in these moments, the messy ones, the emotional ones, you are still showing up with love. That matters. So don't let those moments define you. Your anger doesn't define you, it's trying to guide you. It's trying to guide you, guide you to what you need, guide you to what matters. For me in Dennis's situation, guided me to being a better advocate, guiding you back to yourself. And my friend, even in the middle of all of this, there will be and there are still small moments of joy. You just can't see them because the anger is blocking that. And sometimes you have to give yourself permission to see that. So I want to thank you for being here again today. I hope this episode sparks something in you, especially recognizing your anger, understanding the guilt that we feel and how to overcome it or getting those go-tos in place. If this spoke to you, if you haven't followed me on the podcast, click that follow button. Maybe even share it with another caregiver who might need to hear this. And I always have that text button in the bottom in my show notes, and I'd love to hear from you. I store them all up, and then every so episode, every so many episodes, I come back and read some of them, but I read each and every one of them, and I am so grateful for your text messages. And if you want to support the show, there's a support button there that you can click support and help me fund those, those, the, the tools that I use. I don't have a sponsor. I'm paying this out of the goodness of my heart. It's not a lot, but it's monthly that I I pay a good fee to go ahead and keep the podcast alive and to go ahead and use the equipment. If you wanted to search for me on Venmo and do that instead of doing the support the show, you can do that. I'm at Kathy-Vandenhoovel-1. It truly helps me keep the podcast going and continuing to show up. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you for going ahead and listening to another episode. And remember, this season is all about your cup is going to over your cup is going to spill. That's just reality. And we're talking about why the cup overspills, how to go ahead and manage that, and finding small little tips and tricks to help us through that. So until next time, my friend, bye for now.