When It All Feels Too Much: Breaking the Caregiver Overwhelm Cycle

Caregiving can feel overwhelming…

But overwhelm doesn’t always show up all at once.

Sometimes…

☕️ It’s the slow spill.

The piling on of responsibilities.
 The mental load.
 The emotional exhaustion.
 The moments when easy suddenly feels hard.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

✨ What caregiver overwhelm really is
 ✨ The many layers of overwhelm
 ✨ How it sneaks in
 ✨ What happens when we ignore it
 ✨ And practical ways to stop the spiral before burnout

Because overwhelm isn’t weakness…

👉 It’s a signal.

As you listen, I invite you to gently ask yourself:

👉 What does overwhelm look like for YOU?

Is it in your body?
 Is it in your thoughts?
 Is it in your emotions?

When we notice the spill…

we can begin to protect our cup.

🎧 If caregiving has been feeling like too much lately…

this episode is for you.

Transcript

Overwhelm Can Be Quiet

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. It's Kathy here, and I am so grateful you're joining me today. Today in season three, when the cups bills, we're talking about something so many caregivers experience but may not always recognize right away. And that is overwhelm. That feeling when life starts to feel like too much, when even simple things suddenly feel hard, when your mind is racing and your body is exhausted, and it feels like you're carrying more than you can hold. And here's the thing overwhelm doesn't always show up loudly. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. I remember one day I was driving and I went right through a stoplight. You know, the stop, the red, green, yellow light, the stoplight, and it was a busy corner. And Dennis looked at me and said, Did you know you just ran through that light? He just had his carpal tunnel surgery done. And honestly, I didn't even see it because my mind was somewhere else. We just picked up his uh pharmacy drugs. We were going grocery shopping. I was already three steps ahead thinking about appointments and responsibilities and what needed to happen next. I wasn't in the present moment. I wasn't. Then there was another day, and I burned the dinner. I burned chicken in the oven. And I remember standing there thinking, how did I let this happen? I cooked, I probably cook chicken once a week. It's just an easy baked chicken kind of thing. But because I burned the chicken because there wasn't the there were because these weren't hard things. These were everyday things, things I I've done hundreds of times, like I said, chicken every week before. But in that season, everything was hard. The easy things felt hard. And my friend, that's one of the ways overwhelm can just show up. So let's really talk about this word overwhelm. You hear it a lot, and people may say it a lot. They may be, they may disguise it with stress or you know, too busy. You know, overwhelm because I think sometimes we say we're overwhelmed without fully realizing what actually is happening. Overwhelm is just more than just being a busy day, it's more than just stress. Overwhelm happens when your mental, emotional, and physical loads exceed your current capacity. That's the big thing. Think about it as I'm stressed, I'm burnt out, but overwhelm happens and it tips when you exceed your capacity. In simple terms, you're caring more than your mind and body can process well. And as caregivers, this can happen so gradually that we don't even realize how deep we're in it. And just keep going. We just keep going, pushing through, handling one more thing, adding one more responsibility until one day, easy feels hard. And this is where I want you to really, I want to be really clear about it. Overwhelm does not mean you're weak. It does not mean you're failing. Overwhelm is a signal, and we talk about this a lot. What are those signals? A signal you're from your body, from your mind, from your emotions, and they're all telling you something. Or they're trying to tell you something. Most of the time, it's a simple thing. This is too much. And for my caregiver, or or for many caregivers, I mean, when overwhelm goes unchecked, it can turn into what many care many call caregiver burnout. That deep state of chronic exhaustion. And I I would bet you've either felt this way or are feeling this way. That deep chronic exhaustion where you feel trapped, where you feel helpless, emotionally drained, mentally foggy, physically depleted. Those are just a few. And sometimes like you're losing yourself in the process. Think about it. Your identity might be lost. You might be losing your health because it's declining. And life can start to feel like you're in survival mode. Let's talk about the signs you may be overwhelmed. You might feel physically exhausted, constantly tired and fatigued. You might be struggling with sleep. How many times have you laid in bed and you wake up and you just can't fall back to sleep? Or what is your body telling you? Like frequent headaches or uh backaches or muscle aches. For me, a lot of it was GI issues. Or you might be catching more illnesses, a

The Signs Hiding In Plain Sight

SPEAKER_00 5:40

cold or the flu. You might tell somebody, oh yeah, I just have food poisoning, but maybe your stomach has been nauseous and upset. Emotional instability, too, is another one where you think about your emotions and maybe you're snapping at something or somebody. You're irritable, you're angry. I noticed it when I was driving. I wasn't pleasant at driving, especially when I had to drive back and forth to uh Freight Earth. And if I would come home a year ago at this time, I'm I'm recording this around Mother's Day weekend. And I came home for Mother's Day so that I could get my hair done and take care of our issues with our. You remember when I had issues with the air conditioning unit. So I came home to take care of those. Well, I was driving angry. People would be flying by and I'm like, oh, and I would say choice words in my in my mind. Or and or the another one is you feel emotionally reactive. You just don't feel yourself. Then there's the other one where you're mentally withdrawing. Maybe it's brain fog. How many times maybe have you put on your favorite show, maybe that you like to watch, or reading your favorite book, and you don't even feel interested in it, or you don't even remember, or you're walking around and you don't know what you're doing, that brain fog, or maybe you're detached mentally, or you lost your joy, or you have difficulty concentrating on anything. And perhaps the one of the hardest layers is feeling helpless, resentful, or like caregiving is running your entire life. And here's what's important overwhelm isn't usually one giant moment, it's often an unbroken cycle. It looks like something like you get triggered from something, and then the stress builds up, and the emotions and the emotional toll increases, and then there's no release, and then you get more pressure, and you start spilling, and the overwhelm gets deeper and deeper and deeper. And then what do caregivers usually do? We ignore it, we recognize it, then we push it aside, we bandage it, maybe we take a nap, maybe we try to keep busy with something, and we keep going. And the cycle continues and continues and continues. Think about it if overwhelm was a backpack, and each rock that you put in your backpack was something that happened or triggered or whatever it would be, and you don't take care of the rocks in your backpack, you just keep carrying them and carrying them and carrying them, it gets heavy. You get tired, you get angry because you have to carry it. Yeah. Overwhelm isn't usually one moment, it's often an unbroken cycle for caregivers. And caregivers are especially vulnerable because of the constant responsibility, the lack of rest we get, the isolation when we're caring for our loved ones, the unrealistic expectations of all of the things that we have to do, and the role, but the role of confusion too, followed by feeling like you have to do it all. And that's why awareness matters so very much. Because when you start noticing overwhelm earlier than you have in the past, and you start taking this episode that we're talking about and recognize it, you'll have a better chance of interrupting the cycle before it spirals deeper and deeper. So, my practical reminder is to recognize and halt. When things feel especially heavy, pause and ask yourself Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired? You fill in the blank. Am I frustrated? Am I have I slept in the last week? Start asking yourself questions because sometimes your next best step isn't solving everything, it's meeting one immediate need. Yeah. When's the last time I had something to drink, like a glass of water, because I'm so fatigued or I have a headache? That might be one. It's meeting one immediate need at a time. My friend, overwhelm is so real, especially as caregivers, but it does not mean you're broken. It means your cup may be spilling and it's asking for your attention. If you spilled your cup, what would you do right away? You would wipe it up. But if you looked at your cup and realized I'm spilling my cup because it's got a crack in it, or because I'm rushing and trying to carry too many things. That's what you want to do. Now, if you've been around here for any length of time with me on my podcast, as a matter of fact, um, in the fall, it'll be five years. I've been doing this podcast episode or podcast, the Caregiver Cup Podcast. Where time goes. But if you've been here a while, you know I've talked about caregiver stress. If you want to go into and just look for caregiver stress, you're gonna see so many episodes. You're gonna hear me talking about caregiver stress, caregiver burnout, and caregiver fatigue. But today, I want us to talk about overwhelm a little differently. Because overwhelm doesn't always look the same, like I said. It can hit suddenly or it can quickly build over time. So instead of thinking about this as types of overwhelm, I want you to just simplify it and think about it as the many layers of overwhelm because caregiving

The Cycle That Keeps You Spilling

SPEAKER_00 12:30

overwhelm is often layered. Things build up like you're building blocks, and understanding how it's showing up can help you notice the spill sooner. So let's talk about instant overwhelm. This is the kind that hits fast, it hits us fast. A parent false, overwhelm. A loved one is rushed to the ER, instant overwhelm. A scary diagnosis comes out of nowhere, instant overwhelm. A hospitalization changes overnight. Dennis had that last year when he was at Freighter. One day I'd see him, and the next day, you know, I come back in and things would totally change. Overwhelm. A financial crisis or an insurance issue suddenly lands on your plate. Oh, talk about overwhelm. It just brings back, it actually makes the hair on my arm just come up, knowing that earlier this year they sent us a $15,000 bill from a stem cell transplants when everything was supposed to be covered at 100%. And all of that, I short, long story short, I got I got to work it all out and they end up paying for it after about three months of work. But that freaked me out instantly. Where was I gonna come up with that money? These moments can feel like everything just changed, instant overwhelm. And what happens is your nervous system spikes. For me, I feel like um like nervous butterflies in my stomach. Your brain races, you suddenly, and suddenly you're in survival mode. Whatever it would be. Think about when you are in that constant overwhelm. What does your body do? You're what does your nervous system do? It it goes into that fight or flight mode. Number two is slow build overwhelm. This one is sneaky, it's the daily grind, it's appointments and medication schedules, paperwork, meals, cleaning, sleep disruption, emotional labor. It could be balancing your life with caregiving life. A lot of you may be working, a lot of you might have your own families and you're trying to take care of a loved one. Whatever it would be, it's the daily grind. And little by little, without enough breaks, your cup starts to slowly spill. It is often where caregivers lose themselves because the load becomes so normal and they stop realizing how heavy it is. You start wearing that backpack and start trying to fit in caregiving with your life. And as the days go on, think about the small pebbles that drop into your backpack, the all of the fatigue and the emotional stress and the physical stress. It keeps dropping in. Number three, now we've talked about, let me back up here a minute. We talked about instant overwhelm, slow build overwhelm. And another one is emotional overwhelm. This layer often goes unseen. You're like, I'll give you some examples, fear of what's next or the fear of the unknown, grief over what's changed. Maybe it's the grief that your loved one is changing, maybe it's the grief that you're grieving your old life, maybe it's decision fatigue. You can't go a single minute every day if your loved one's in really um in need, you're constantly making decisions, or it's the guilt that you personally feel because you're longing for you know getting out of caregiving. Maybe it's the anger and the frustration and the resentment that you feel. I could add more to it, but think about it as emotional overwhelm. It is the internal weight that you're feeling. And even if everything looks fine on the outside, you're inside, you're you may feel like you're carrying a storm. Oh my gosh. Okay, another layer is practical overwhelm. This is the logistical overwhelm. And for me personally, I love logistics. But when I noticed that I was in the practical overwhelm, I knew that I wasn't. But when you're overwhelmed because you have to manage appointments, insurance calls and appeals, medication refills, you're trying to balance work life and schedules, uh, household tasks, trying to get family schedules involved, all of that stuff, keeping updated with your loved ones, um, all of their conditions. When you go into the the doctor, think about this, and this overwhelms me to all get out. Is when you go into the doctor, they go through the list of medications with you. And they're like, Are you on this? Are you still taking this? How often are you taking this? How often are you taking this? If you're not on top of your game, it's like, oh my gosh, especially when Dennis was taking, I think he had 12 prescriptions at one point when he was at um at uh Frey Dirt and they gave us a paper printout, and we had to write all of it down, and we had it in front of us, and we could bring it in. But those days that you forget it, oh my gosh, it's overwhelmed. But the practical stuff, you're just overwhelmed, and you look at it and you can't even do it. The mental checklist becomes endless, and your brain can start feeling like too many tabs are open, and you just don't want to do any of it. And here's what I really want you to hear. Caregiving often, caregivers often aren't overwhelmed by one thing. It's a layer of everything. It's not usually just the diagnosis or just the appointments or just the emotions. It's it's stacking of these responsibilities, stacking of stress and grief and pressure all at one time. And that's why overwhelm can feel so consuming because it's not one spill, it's layers filling your cup faster than you can pour back, pour that you can pour back into it. It's spilling more than you're filling it up with. So as you listen, I want you to ask yourself which layer feels heaviest for you right now? Which layer? I'll put the layers in the show

Four Layers Of Caregiving Overwhelm

SPEAKER_00 20:20

notes so you can see the layers so that you have those layers. I'm gonna write myself a note because I'll forget. Layers in show notes. I just want to make sure I don't forget that. And I'll put those layers in your show notes so that you have it, you know, and and let me review them just one more time. It's instant overwhelm, it's slow build overwhelm, it's emotional overwhelm, and then it's the practical overwhelm, those four. Because awareness is where you want to begin to break the cycle. So let's talk about you know, something really important in it. It's why overwhelm sneaks in as a caregiver. Why does overwhelm sneak in so early as a caregiver? Because for most of us, it's not one giant event, it's the slow creep. Probably 85 to 90 percent of us are doing the slow creep when it comes to caregiving. Now, some of you might be caregiving while they're through a surgery and then it's done. But most of us are doing a caregiving over time. It's the layering, it's the emotions, the tasks, the fear, the pressure until one day you realize I'm just carrying way too much. But by then, you've often been carrying it for a long time. Have you been carrying it for a long time? If you're nodding your head, yes. Maybe today's a good day and you're not feeling overwhelmed. But maybe next week you will. I want you to keep thinking about that. And this is where caregiving can feel especially tricky because many caregivers start their journey out of love, optimism, responsibilities, a deep sense of duty. We feel like we're doing the right thing, and we are. We tell ourselves, I can do this. They need me. I'll figure it out. That was me. And it still is me. And often we do. But over time, think about it: cooking, cleaning, appointments, medication, lifting, bathing, advocating, managing insurance, managing emotions, trying to balance my my work with caregiving, trying to balance my family with caregiving, trying to handle the the um the appliance breakdowns or you know this the crises that happen in addition to caregiving. They all start stacking. And because it happens gradually, we normalize the stress. Exhaustion becomes normal. We just recognize that, yeah, it's another day in paradise. I feel a little bit tired, but let me drink some caffeine, right? Or constant pressure becomes normal. We become good at that. And it's funny because I said it just a few weeks ago to my husband because we're in this lull where he's finally through the one-year hump of his transplant, and there's some extra time for me. And I told him I felt lost because my adrenaline spikes, and I'm kind of waiting for the next crisis. And I thought that was normal, and now I kind of feel lost in a good way. But or we're running on empty, and running on empty is our normal face. And this is where over overwhelm gets sneaky. Because instead of noticing it, like I said before, we just push it away. I get need to take a drink of water here once. So I want to just I want you to think about this is why caregivers are especially vulnerable. And then the whys, because we push it, push through, because we push ourselves last, because we ignore the warning signs, we feel guilty when we rest or do something for ourselves. We believe we should be able to handle it all. And many of us, both you and I, operate on autopilot. I can't, I and I'm thinking back to last year because I obviously I was away for six weeks, and I had to go ahead and manage, manage Dennis's inpatient. And then he we lived across the street and in the housing house, and we went every day to Kathy's house, and then eventually we came home and we had weekly visits and then bi-weekly visits. We had to manage it all. I can't remember some of the things because I was in autopilot. When you focus so hard on surviving the day, we that that we check we stop checking in with ourselves. And until our body and our emotions and our our mental health focus forces us to notice, we just stop until something goes wrong. That's what I'm trying to say. Until we notice that we've had bad headaches for the last two days, or I could cry at the drop of a pin. Uh, or you know, something is wrong. I'm just snappy all the time. And then there's another layer, like I said, the emotional toll. Watching someone you love decline or lose independence creates this invisible stress. And then, like I said, that fear. You're you're anticipating the unknown, and you might be grieving, especially if you know their chronic illness is terminal, or you have that decision fatigue, or you're confused, and because you're doing so many roles, and what is my role? You're not just a spouse or a daughter or a son or a friend, whatever your role is right now, you're not that that anymore. When I was caregiving for my mom, for a while I felt like her daughter, but after a while, I didn't. I didn't because you're also a caregiver. So you have to play both of those roles, and that role blending can feel emotionally exhausting. Then add in isolation, if you have

Why Caregivers Miss The Warnings

SPEAKER_00 27:35

to be with them more than you can do. I don't, I can't tell you how many times I felt isolated. Whether you stayed in the room with them or their apartment or wherever you're at, and you never got outside, you felt isolated that way, or you were so busy doing your life that you feel you were with people, but you felt isolated. The lack of recognition. So I want to talk about society. Society not fully understands what caregiving truly demands. I think they're getting better. And I think our societies are getting better with recognizing them. More authors are putting out books, more movies are happening on TV and so on. Um, because but I think there's a lot more that has to be done because let's be honest, many caregivers carry stories they don't openly share. They don't want to share the hard moments. They lose their identity, and maybe they they don't want to talk about it. And while society, like I said, is getting better, there are still so many caregivers who feel unseen. Who feels like others don't fully recognize, fully understand us? I'm gonna ask you it again. Do you feel like people don't understand you? Your other family members, friends, neighbors, they don't understand what this life really asks of them. They don't really get it until they're in the shoes. You could share things, but until they truly are in the shoes, they won't. I have my girlfriend Julie now taking care of her elderly parents. She supported me forever. But we went for a walk last week and she goes, I really didn't understand what you were saying, Kathy, until I actually am in the thick of it. Oh, and that isolation, it can deepen overwhelm even more. It can because you're giving that emotional peace longer to stir inside of you, that fear inside of you stirring, or that constant load of work that you're doing. So I'm here to remind you sometime overwhelm sneaks in because we become so used to caring too much. And that's why awareness matters. Notice the spill because when you notice it sooner, you can begin making changes before it spirals deeper. So if overwhelm has been creeping in, please hear me, my friend. This is not your personal failure, it's a common response to an incredibly demanding role. And what I want you to think about is I kind of think about it as overwhelm is that thing floating out outside of me that's visiting my body, and my body is giving me signals, and I'm thanking my body for giving me or my mind or whatever for giving me those signals because that alerts me, and that's the awareness that I can start working on. And my friend, you deserve support too. And I know this one is hard to for a lot of people to be open to, but I want you to hear me. And this part is that I really want you to slow down and think about it. Because as caregivers, we can get really good at ignoring the signals. We push through, we delay, we tell ourselves, I'll deal with it later. And honestly, that's exactly how overwhelm spirals.

The Dashboard Light You Ignore

SPEAKER_00 32:05

So let me give you an example here. Think about your car. You have that dashboard, and when a light goes on, it's alerting you to something. So let's say the oil light goes on on your car, and it's telling you when you go ahead and investigate that light, it's telling you that you have 10% left of oil life left remaining. Now, most of us don't panic right away because 10%, and for me, I can look at how many miles I can really go. We think, I'll take care of it soon. I'm okay for now, or I'll make an appointment tomorrow, right? To get your oil change. So you turn the alert off. Then the next day comes, it pops up again, and you think, okay, I really should do that, right? You put it in your mind and you got to do that. But life as a caregiver gets busy. A week goes by. Now suddenly the oil life says 1% remaining. But you've got so somewhere important to be that day. A two-hour drive. It's an event or a responsibility. So what do you do? You tell yourself, it'll be fine. I'll just need to get through this, and I'll be back in town tomorrow, and I'll I'll be able to take care of it. So you keep driving. And maybe you make it there and back fine, but what's happening underneath or inside the car? The car starts to have to work harder because the oil is dirty. The engine isn't being protective, protected the way it should be. The wear and tear of the oil being dirty is increasing. And if you keep ignoring it, it can lead to bigger damage, more expensive repairs, or eventually the car may stop running altogether. Think about it. And caregiving overwhelm can look exactly like that. Your body gives you warning signs, your emotion gives you that red light or warning sign, and your mind is giving you warning signs. So think about it. I want you to think about what your warning signs are. Is it fatigue? Is it brain fog? Is it irritability? Is it anger? Snapping? Is it panicking? Is it losing joy? Is it, you know, you're crying, whatever it would be. Think about what your warning signs are. And instead of addressing it, many of us think, what do we think? I'll deal with it later. I just need to get through this week. I don't have time for my thoughts right now. Whatever it would be. You know, and think about what you do next. You know, for me, I would grab a cup of coffee or get something to eat or grab a nap. And that might be okay, but if it's a warning sign that keeps going, and I don't do anything more. So we keep going when we get the warning sign. But underneath it, we're working harder. Our nervous system is strained, our emotions are overloaded, and our body is compensating. And over time, unchecked overwhelm can become burnout. And burnout is often what happens when we ignore too many warning lights too long. So, my friend, this is not about failure. It's not. This is information. Those warning signs, they are not inconveniences. Think of them as invitations, invitations to pause, to care for yourself, to make an adjustment. Because just like a car, you were never meant to run on empty forever. And the sooner you respond, the better chance you have of preventing deeper breakdowns. So please don't ignore your warning lights. Your cup is trying to tell you something. And this is where I want to bring it back to you because one thing I've heard over and over and over it is through your messages, your fan mails, your stories, is this. But we all have signals. We all have personal signals. Ways that overwhelm shows up in our body, in in our thoughts, in in our emotions. Maybe yours is you just eat. Maybe yours is you have a glass of wine at night. We all we all it all we all look at and get overwhelmed and we respond differently. We don't recognize it the same way. We just think I'm having a bad day. And maybe you are. And then we tell ourselves, this will pass. And sure, it may pass, but my friend, what at what at what cost can you do small things during this overwhelm to go ahead and feel better? But when you start taking a little uh look a little closer, the there are patterns. And I'll be honest with you, I can relate to almost all of these at one point. Even things like forcing a smile, faking happiness, trying to convince myself I'm fine. Sometimes I'd have to go in and do the old, you know, cheerleader thing or the coach thing, and you know, go in and psych myself up to go take care of my mom. But deep inside, I was just crumbling. I was just crumbling. When deep down, I wasn't okay. So let's break this down together.

Naming Your Personal Warning Pattern

SPEAKER_00 39:00

Let's look at the physical signs. Your body often speaks to your first. And we talked a lot about this, but I like to repeat things here so that you can kind of grasp it. Think about what your physical signs are: is it headaches, stomach issues, tension in your shoulders or your jaws, sleep problems. Maybe you're sleeping too much or not enough. Constant fatigue that doesn't go away. What are your physical pieces? And there are so many stats on caregivers and their health declining. I've had, I've had caregivers that have had a heart attack during caregiving, during their caregiving journey, because the stress and the overwhelm, and it maybe because they didn't go in for their checkups, whatever it would be. That feeling of I'm tired no matter how much I rest, pay attention to your body. And then there's the mental signs. Like we talked about brain fog. Oh my gosh, forgetting things, losing track of what we're what you're doing, and you're standing there going, okay, what was I what was I doing now? Racing thoughts, difficulting making decisions, maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's panic attacks, maybe you whatever it would be, that feeling, my mind just can't keep up. And then there are the emotional signs. This often is where it becomes more noticeable. You're it usually goes into this order of, you know, your your physical and then your physical and then your mental signs, but then your emotions catch up, you snapping quickly. You kind of get cold to caregiving. I don't know how else to say it, but caregiving isn't fun anymore. And some days it feels like I'm working uh an assembly line. You're irritable, you're crying more than normal, you feel numb or disconnected. Jealousy sets in. Maybe you you see friends and family out and about, and you're like, must be nice, you know, kind of that thing. Frustration and anger and resentment. Maybe you just don't love your loved one anymore or even like them anymore. You know, we get that way emotionally. Think about it. You're not yourself anymore. And here's the most important piece. None of these are random. They are signals that your body, your mind, and your emotion are trying to get your attention. You're they're amazing. They're sending us signals. They're our body and our mind and our emotions are amazing because they do that. When they're sending us signals, I want you to be non-judgmental, not to judge you, but to help you notice. So I just want you to ask yourself something and just sit with it for a minute. What does overwhelm look like for you? I want you to ask yourself this. What does overwhelm look like for you? And I'm highlighting this in my notes because I want to put these in the show notes as well. What does overwhelm look like for you? Is it your is it your body? Is it your thoughts? Is it your emotion? What show what shows up first for you? Because when you start to recognize your patterns, you can catch the spill earlier because it turns into something bigger. I know now that my GI tells me a lot. It tells me a lot. But also my headache tells me a lot, and and uh my emotions do. And my friend, I want you to say that's awareness and commend yourself for the awareness. That's where everything begins to shift, then not perfectly, not all at once, but in a way that helps you start responding instead of just reacting to it. So this is the part where I want you to give yourself something different because you've heard

The Bullseye Tools That Ground You

SPEAKER_00 43:50

me talk about tools before the pause, the breathe, and the step away. Keep using those. And yes, because these still matter. But today I want you to think. About this in a new way, not as a list, but as a bullseye. You think about you're playing darts or you're shooting archery and there's a bullseye. Because when you're overwhelmed, that is not the moment to figure out what to do. You need something ready, something you can go to without overthinking it. So picture this the outer ring. That outer ring, that first layer is your right now tools or in the moment you're feeling when your cup is spilling, when you feel it is rising. That outer layer, you know, maybe you notice yourself fatigued. Pause, take a breath, name what's happening, step away for a minute, ask for help and simplify one thing. Just simplify it. You know, you just have to go ahead and pause. You know, maybe you like for Dennis, maybe you had a nurse that just wasn't very nice and you were getting frustrated. You pause, take a deep breath. Maybe you have to step away for a minute. These aren't big, but they interrupt the spiral, they give you space to not react automatically. The middle ring is the ongoing support tools. This is what supports you over time because overwhelm doesn't just need a moment, it needs support. These might be things that you're building, like boundaries and delegation and routines and therapy or coaching, movement, or journaling, or community sport uh support. These are the things that help reduce the overload. When I was at Kathy's house, they always had um they the two or three times a week when that was Dennis's housing house. And it was named after a lady, her name was Kathy. And um, there's a big story behind it, but just so you know, it's not my house, it's Kathy's house in in Milwaukee. And there was always that end of the day, they would have people bringing in uh a dinner for us to eat. And for me, that ongoing support tool helped me with with overwhelm. At the end of the day, I could go ahead and sit at a table with other caregivers, and we could, you know, decompress and talk about things and filling our cup. And then we we once we got to know each other, we got to know what their hobbies and their things were. Um, so, or it may be taking a walk. Like I always said, at the end of the the shift at the hospital that I sat with them at the hospital on the way home, I walked around the block before I went back to my room. Now, the inside the bull the bullseye where everybody wants to go to, and this is the most important part, and you can think of it as your go-to. So if you drew yourself a uh a bullseye on a piece of paper, that middle piece, the one thing you come back to over and over again, it's your proven method. It's something simple, something accessible, something that works for you. You know, it might be putting your hand on your heart and taking a deep breath. It might be a short prayer. It might be stepping outside for fresh air when you feel overwhelmed, just tightening in your chest. It might be saying, This is hard today, but I'm okay. It might be meditation or sitting in silence for 16 minutes. It might be listening to a calming song, that thing that you can go to immediately when you feel overwhelmed. So think about that bullseye. And I want you to think about this as your go-to. What is your go-to? And just as important, have a backup too, because some days your go-to might not be enough. So walking outside might not be enough fresh air for you, walking outside for fresh air might not be enough for you in that moment where you know your loved one has a setback. And you might have to have a backup. And for me, it's calling a friend, texting them, saying, Do you have a few minutes? I'm struggling right now. I need somebody to talk to. And that person you've already worked with, and and they're doing that. Because there will be moments when you first your first tool doesn't work, and that's okay. This isn't about perfection, it's it's about having something ready when overwhelm shows up. Because when you have a have your bullseye, you don't have to figure out it in the moment. You just return to it. You know what works, you know that that's what helps you. Think about like a if an if an autistic child, and I'm not totally an expert in this at by all means, but let's say that an autistic person is having a breakdown or a meltdown. Okay, well, maybe your go-to is you have a set of headphones that you put on with their calming music, and that seems to be working most of the time. But if that isn't working, what's that next thing that you're going to do for that person? Because you know they don't want hogs, you know that they don't like all of them. Maybe there's uh a toy or a a stress ball that they hold in their hand and they play with. Maybe that's it. So, and my friend, this is how we start breaking our cycle of overwhelm. Not by doing everything differently. Gosh, we don't have time for that, but by having something small and something consistent that brings us back when things feel like too much. Now, there's a quote here, but I don't know the author here. But overwhelm is not the time to figure it out. It's the time to return to what works. That I'm calling the whole thing today. It's overwhelm is not the time to figure it all out, it's the time to recognize it and go to your tool that works, and then have that backup tool. And I want to talk

Finding Support Beyond Willpower

SPEAKER_00 51:15

about something that I know can feel hard, but it it is important. And I kind of talked about it earlier, and I realized that oh, I can't keep talking about that earlier in this episode because I have like a small section to talk about it, and that support because working through overwhelm doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, it takes intention, and it often takes support outside from you. And I want you to hear this. You were never meant to do caregiving alone, even though so many of us try to. I know for me, I searched for support in a lot of different ways. I've listened to podcasts, I've read books, I've looked at resources in my community. I've gone onto Zoom and attended some of those support groups. I've listened to podcasts. Oops, I said that already. Local churches, you know, maybe that's your support, maybe the church community or a city or a county program support groups. And I've learned too that certain friends and family I can lean into as well. Not all of them have that style for me. I have friends that are, I have one, my one friend Julie, that's a really good listener. And I don't want I from her, I don't want her to fix it. Um, she just listens. And I learned that I have my eldest son, Mark, that's a really good listener as well. And I come right out and say, when I'm in a crisis mode, and I call Mark, my son Mark, I just need somebody to talk to. I don't want you to fix it. I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to listen to me. And it's really good. And he just asks me the right questions. So I want you to think about it. Where are you getting your support from? Maybe you have a therapist or a counselor that you go to. Kudos for you. Maybe some of you are saying, I don't want that, but there are many other ways to get that support as well. I mean, there are so many articles and email communities that you can be part of and um reading of books and watching shows and all those things. And I want you to know there is so much, like I said, out there. Some of them are free, some of them have low are local, some of it is just one conversation away. And if your loved one is going through a serious illness or an uh an injury or whatever, don't be afraid to ask for support groups from that community or that diagnosis that it that you have. Uh Dennis had the the stem cell community, uh, bone marrow community was one that I leaned into. I um I I want to end here with just a few points. I see you doing this. I read your messages, I read your emails, I read your text, and I just want to say I am so proud of you for listening today, for learning more, for being open, because it takes courage. And in this week's email, I'm going to share with you some of the books and some of the podcasts that I have come across in mine. And will you do me a favor? And I'll put this in the email. If you find others, respond back to me. Because the more we share, and then I'll share them again next week in the email so that we keep sharing podcasts and emails and books and communities. Because I also want to be really honest with you. You don't have to wait for that perfect resource. There are so many available right now. You can search, you can explore, you can try things and find what works for you. If you go on to one and it doesn't work, go to the next one. You know, consider support groups and therapy and coaching, your medical team, conversations with family and friends, respite. I did a bowling team, you know, so I that was part of my support and kind of forgetting about caregiving for an hour a week. And sometimes support groups look like something as simple as asking for help, saying, I can't do this alone, letting someone in. And maybe it's a nurse, maybe it's a friend or a neighbor that sits for an hour for you. Because overwhelm often grows because overwhelm often grows in isolation, but it softens when we share, when it's shared. So if you've been trying to carry this all alone, I want to gently encourage you to be open to support. Even one simple step can make a huge difference. And my friend, again, you deserve to do this. So, in reflection, before we wrap up today, I want to leave you with something

Reflection Questions And Gentle Closing

SPEAKER_00 56:40

to come back to. Not something to rush through, not something to answer quickly, but something to sit with. So I really encourage you to write these down. Save this episode. Come back to this when you're feeling overwhelmed, when you have quiet time, when you're in a good mindset, when you can be honest with yourself, because these questions, they're not meant to overwhelm you more. They're meant to create awareness of questions like where did overwhelm show up for me today? What have I normalized that may actually be too much? Oops, sorry about that. Um what what's one small shift I can make? And as you reflect, I want you to remember something. There's no right way to work through this. Some of you find support and therapy, individual groups. Some of you prefer to process on your own, and that's okay. Do what works for you. Maybe it's talking to a friend, maybe it's reading and researching, maybe it's a walk or a yoga class or just going to church. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is awareness and support. And whenever you're and wherever you're right now, I want you to just hear this clearly. You again are not failing. You are caring a lot, and you're caring overwhelm. It's not proof that you're doing it wrong, it's proof that you may need support. So instead of judging yourself, what if you met yourself with compassion? What if you allowed yourself to say, this is okay, this is a lot? It makes sense that I feel this way. And because small shifts matter, awareness matters, you matter. And my friend, you don't have to solve everything today. You just need to think about one small step. What's your bullseye? What's one moment of awareness and one moment of go-to that I can go to? Overwhelm is often a slow spill because or slow spill before burnout. God, that's hard to say. Overwhelm is often a slow spill before burnout. Notice a spill before the spiral. I feel like I had to say Susie sold seashells by the seashore with all those S's. Because the sooner you notice the spill, the overwhelm, the sooner you can start protecting your cop. So let's talk about next week. I I hope you found this episode, first of all, um, and it fueled you because the it is so important. You know, the we we're talking about something that quietly fuels overwhelm in the stories we tell ourselves, the self-talk, the guilt, and the the the shoulds. And here's those thoughts. I want you to hear those thoughts and keep you from being stuck. So that's so important. So um next week we're gonna kind of elaborate more on that and we're gonna talk about those stories and we're gonna talk about that self-talk. But I'm I'm I I want to keep going and I have to cut myself off. So I'm gonna say thank you for listening to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast and being with here be here with me today. I hope this episode gave you something you needed. If it spoke to you and you're not following the the episode, whatever app you're in, click that follow button because that will go ahead and alert you to the next episode. If you know another caregiver, why don't you share this episode with them or share the podcast with them? I'd also love to hear you, and I love that the text Kathy's are coming in more and more uh for me. I get the text, I don't get your personal information, I just get you the last four digits of the number. That's what the the program gives to me, and it's just that they have something to go ahead and send it to. The all the other numbers are X'd out, but I love hearing from you, and I will respond to you and let you know. Now there's a respond button on my end that I can respond to your text, which I'm absolutely loving. So I'd love to hear from you and what resonated today. And if you want to support the show, I have a support button that you can click support and help me pay for the cost that it it costs me to bring up this episode. I make no money. This is truly giving back. And I'm retired now and I don't want to go ahead and do a full blown business on this. I just want to give you information that may help you along the way. And if you don't want to support me through the support button, I have a Venmo account too. It's at Kathy-Vandanoovil-1. And you can go ahead and send me a one-time donation so that I can go ahead and do this pretty much free. Um, right now I'm I'm paying a minimal amount every month out of my pocket, but I don't mind that as well either. So again, thank you, my friend. And until next time, just remember you're not alone. You are have support. And whether that support be free support or this podcast, I'm happy to support you that way. Bye for now.