When the Things That Used to Work... Don't: Why Caregiver Coping Strategies Stop Working

Have you ever felt like you've tried everything?

The walks.
 The journaling.
 The podcasts.
 The support groups.
 The self-care.

And yet... you're still overwhelmed.

In this episode, we're talking about something many caregivers experience but rarely discuss:

👉 What happens when the things that used to help... don't seem to work anymore?

You'll learn why coping tools sometimes stop working, how caregiving seasons change our needs, and how to build a flexible toolbox that supports you through stress, burnout, grief, and overwhelm.

Because my friend...

👉 The goal isn't finding the perfect tool.

👉 The goal is continuing to care for yourself as your needs change.

Transcript

Welcome And A Gardening Story

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, my friend, and welcome back to another episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. It's Kathy here. I am so glad you are joining me for another episode in this season three of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. Hey, now that gardening season for me is in full swing here in Wisconsin, I am so happy. I've been spending a lot of time planting my flowers and filling my pots and really maintaining and watching them bloom. But sometimes and some things happened in the past seasons, though, that got me thinking about today's episode. I've always had good luck with growing marigolds and geraniums and all different types of flowers. They're usually one of marigolds, for example, are usually one of the easiest flowers in my garden. And they say a lot that marigolds will help with mosquito season. So I do a lot of marigolds. But in the past seasons, I planted marigolds, especially last season when I got home from my stem cell transplant. I put marigolds in several plants and expected them to thrive, but they didn't. They looked tired, the blooms weren't what I expected. And no matter what I did, they just weren't happy. At first, I just thought maybe they needed more fertilizer. Then I thought maybe they needed more water. So I watered them. And guess what? I actually made the problem worse. When I actually did research on marigolds, what I eventually learned was that marigolds didn't need more water. They needed less. And in some pots, I had paired them with geraniums, which weren't the best companions because they compete for the nutrients in the soil. And one of them will thrive and one of them won't because of the conditions. I wasn't, it wasn't that the marigolds were bad flowers. It wasn't that I was a bad gardener. The conditions had changed, and the solution I thought would work wasn't the solution they needed.

When What Worked Suddenly Fails

SPEAKER_00 2:16

And my friend, caregiving can feel exactly like that. The walk that we used to help, or the journal that used to help, or the support group that used to help, the routines that we used to do weren't used to help, they suddenly it doesn't seem to be working anymore. And we start wondering, what's wrong with me? Just like I was saying, what was wrong with my marigolds? But maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe the season has changed. Maybe what happened, what helped you before, isn't what you need right now. Because just like flowers, different seasons require different care. Some flowers need more sun, some need more shade, some need more water, some need less water, and caregivers are no different. That's what we're talking about today. What happens when the things that used to work don't. They don't work. So maybe you're listening right now and thinking, that's exactly how I feel. Because just like marigolds, you've been trying, you've been watering them, you've been adjusting, you've been learning, doing everything you know how to do. Maybe you've tried listening to podcasts or reading books. Maybe you've tried journaling and walking. Maybe, maybe it was prayer or meditation or a support group or a therapist or a coach. Maybe you've tried talking with friends and taking a day off or taking a vacation. And here's the frustrating part. Sometimes those things actually work. You start feeling better, you feel lighter, you feel hopeful, you feel like maybe just maybe you're finally turning a corner. And then life happens. Think about it. Hospitalization for your loved one, a bad scan, a fall, a new diagnosis. And I'm not laughing about it. I'm just um sarcastically saying, okay, things have been going good, and all of a sudden there's a new diagnosis, a medication change, and you have to deal with the side effects, a difficult conversation, a sleepless night or two, another responsibility, another demand, another crisis. And suddenly you feel like you're right back where you started. The overwhelm returns, the stress returns, the exhaustion returns, the emotion returns. And that's what the defeated caregiver starts asking questions, and we start asking questions. As a defeated caregiver, we might say, What's wrong with me? Why isn't this working anymore? What do I know? What do I keep ending up back here? Or why do I keep ending up back here? Will things ever change? Or you're just stuck. I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed. Maybe this is just how it's going to be, and you're the defeated caregiver. My friend, if you've even had those thoughts, I want to tell you, you are not alone. And I want you to hear this. Uh, hear this, you're not alone, and into the next part because the problem isn't you. You are not failing. You are not broken. You are not doing caregiving wrong. Your needs may have changed, your circumstances may have changed. The season may have changed in caregiving outside of caregiving, whatever it would be. And just like my flowers needed needed different care, you may need different support that you needed before. And that's that's what we're going to talk about next. We're

Three Reasons Tools Stop Helping

SPEAKER_00 6:35

why coping tools stop working and what to do when they do. It's so powerful because we think we're going ahead and figuring it out, and then all of a sudden, bam, we're stuck again and we feel defeated. And so, if this problem isn't you, then why does this happen? Why does this happen? Why do things that used to help suddenly feel less effective? I think there are three big reasons here. And when I kind of thought about these three big uh reasons, something clicked inside of me, and understanding them can help you stop blaming yourself. The number one reason why these your past coping tools stop working is one of them is the season has changed. One of the big lessons I've learned as a caregiver is that different seasons require different support. What worked during one chapter of caregiving may not work in another. For example, when my mom was in hospice, my entire world changed. There were no predictable schedules, sleep was limited. The phone could ring at any time. Someone always needed something. And it could be my mom because we was she needed more medication. It could be, you know, we had the hospice nurses coming in, we had the chaplain coming in, our pastor from our church coming in. And, you know, people wanted to see my mom in her last weeks and days of her life. And you can't deny people from doing that. And many of the practices that helped me during less intense caregiving seasons, even with my mom or dentists or my dad, became difficult to maintain during this hospice time. I couldn't go for long walks. Um, there wasn't quiet mornings. The routines weren't routine anymore. You just had to let the season just run on its own. Not because there were bad tools for me, but because the season totally changed. And caregivers experience this all the time. I'm a structured person. I love structure. And I know some for some of you it might be anal, but I love structure. I love discipline. I love checking things off my list. And when you're in hospice, when you're dealing, you're working with your two siblings, when you're you don't know what the next day or the next hour will hold, you can't plan things. And caregiving experience, uh, that it's caregivers, we experience this all the time, different seasons. Maybe what worked with your loved one was independent doesn't work now. You may need a nurse, you may need extra help. Maybe what worked before the diagnosis doesn't work after the diagnosis. Maybe what worked before hospitalization doesn't work after the hospitalization. Just a the key reminder in this reason one of the seasons change is the tool wasn't wrong. The season changed. Another reason, and the number two reason of why coping tools stopped working is the stress got bigger. This one is huge because stress doesn't always show up the same way for us. Sometimes stress looks like worry, sometimes stress looks like anger, sometimes stress looks like exhaustion, sometimes it looks like not wanting to do anything at all. We all handle stress differently. During Dennis's um cancer journey, the uncertainty was incredible, incredibly stressful for me. There would be good scans, there would be bad scans, the waiting for results was stressful, treatment decisions weighed heavy, hospitalizations uh were heavy, stressful, everything in between. New medications, everything from the cost of the medications to the schedule to when to take it, the side effects from the medications, all of that. The unexpected setbacks during his cancer journey are still there. And then life doesn't stop. There was work for me. I worked full-time for uh the five out of the eight years uh of my I worked a full-time job. I I that was it. Then there was the caregiving work. There were the bills. I talked about this on recent seasons of getting bills and paying the bills, challenging the bills with the insurance company, recouping things, that sort of thing. Household responsibilities, family responsibilities. Running a business for me was a thing, and you'll notice that I don't do a lot of extra promotional things. I had to tone that back so that I could go ahead and take care of that. And then there's the stress of trying to care for yourself in the middle of this. And there were seasons when my normal coping tools didn't feel like enough because the stress, I couldn't control the stress. Sometimes I didn't need another walk, I needed a nap. Sometimes I didn't need to journal, I just needed to sit quietly with a cup of coffee or a cup of tea, whatever it would be. Sometimes I didn't need a self-help book. I needed music. I needed laughter. I needed a conversation with a friend. Because when stress gets bigger, your support often needs to get bigger too. Yeah. So a key reminder for me is what worked for 20 pounds of stress may not work for this 100 pounds of stress. Think about when I talked about that stress backpack and in previous episodes, how heavy is that stress in your backpack right now? If it's heavier, you need to go ahead and look at what could work for you. Okay, and then the third reason why coping mechanisms may not work for you right now is you've outgrown your tool or the tool. This one surprised me a lot because sometimes a tool uh stops working, not because it's failed, but because you've already learned what you had to that it had to teach you, and you need something else. Think about school for a minute. You don't stay in third grade forever. You learn what you need and you you move forward to the next grade. Same for you. The same thing can happen with coping tools. Maybe journaling helped you understand your emotions. Now you need connection. Maybe podcast helped you learn about caregiving, but now you need to move to an action step. Maybe reading books helped you understand burnout, but now you need to set boundaries. Maybe therapy helped you process the grief, but now you need to rebuild joy, or you need to go ahead and ask the therapist, now I need help with moments of joy. Maybe the tool wasn't a waste. The tool did its job. And now maybe it's time for the next layer of support, and whatever that would be. A tool can be helpful without being the forever answer. So if you've been feeling frustrated because something that used to help isn't helping anymore, I want you to hear this. You are not failing, you are adapting. And the question is, why isn't this working? And the better question is, what might I need now? Because caregiving changes, you as a caregiver change, your siege seasons change, your stress changes, and sometimes our support needs to change too.

The Trap Of Giving Up

SPEAKER_00 15:56

So once a caregiver realizes that some that that something that used to help isn't helping the way it used to, something interesting often happens. And honestly, I think almost all of us have been there. We fall into this trap. If it's not working, we stop walking. If it's not working, we may stop journaling or we may stop reading, we stop going to support groups, we stop asking the questions, and we fall into this trap, not because we don't care, not because we're lazy, not because we're failing, but because we start feeling depleted. And I can't tell you how many times I read this or see this or I've said this myself. You kind of give up, you fall into this trap. We think, what's the point? I've already tried that. Nothing helps. It's always, I'll always feel this way. This is just how caregiving is, maybe we say. You know what reminds me of? You're trying to lose weight. Let's say you're trying to lose weight and you're doing workouts, and you're two weeks into your journey, and you're walking every morning, and you're eating healthy, and you're drinking your water, and you get on the scale, and nothing has changed. You feel defeated. Yeah, and you just want to give up. Same thing happens in caregiving. And then another trap shows up. After we say those words or think those words to ourselves, we start blaming ourselves. And it's this extra trap. You might think I should be doing better. Other caregivers seem to manage, or why can't I figure this out? Or what's wrong with me? I want to tell you, my friend, that is a heavy burden to carry because now you're not only carrying caregiving, you're carrying disappointment and frustration and self-doubt and sometimes shame. I know if I've been there, oh my gosh. It reminds me of um a squiggly line going up and down. I find myself in highs and lows. There were seasons where I felt like I had read the books, listened to the podcast, taken the walks, done the journaling, and yet I still felt overwhelmed. I didn't know what was wrong. I remember thinking, why am I still struggling? But looking back now, I wasn't failing. I was simply facing a new season with an old set of tools. And that's what I want you to hear today. Just because one tool stopped working doesn't mean healing stopped working. It doesn't mean your practice and your mindset stopped working. Just because one strategy isn't helping right now doesn't mean there aren't other options. I'm a big sports basketball fan, so I'm watching the NBA playoffs and the WNBA. And when you watch a team going in with their strategy and it's worked in the past and it's halftime and they're they just can't figure it out, it doesn't mean one strategy isn't helping right now. It means that they have to they have to look for other options. Just because you're feeling stuck doesn't mean you are stuck. Sometimes caregivers shut down because we're exhausted. Sometimes we stop trying because we're discouraged. Sometimes we stop because we can't imagine what else might help. But my friend, there is a big difference between nothing works and I found what I need right now, or I haven't found what I need right now. So you don't want to say nothing is working. You want to identify these things aren't working for me right now. One mindset, nothing works, leads to hopelessness versus the other leads to possibility. And that's where I want to go next. Not perfection, not having all the answers, just becoming open to the idea that what you need today may be different that would than what you needed yesterday. And that's okay. Thinking about what your body needs during these times. Then what is the answer?

Build A Toolbox Not One Fix

SPEAKER_00 21:26

I think the answer is stop, look, stop looking for the tool. And the is and doing it in all quotes and with capital letters, and start building a toolbox or your toolbox. Because one of the biggest mistakes caregivers make is believing that one that there is one perfect answer, one routine, one book, one practice, one solution. But caregivers. Caregiving doesn't work that way. It's no different than you know raising kids or you know doing a project. Caregiving doesn't work with one tool or the tool. And honestly, neither does life. Just like gardening, different flowers need different things. Some need more water, some need less water, some need full sun, some need shade, some thrive together, and some don't. And caregivers are the same. Different seasons for you require different support. There were seasons when my parents were in hospice when I leaned heavily into emotional and spiritual tools. I needed the conversations, I needed support, I needed prayer, I needed faith. I needed people who understand what I was carrying, uh carrying. Then there were seasons during Dennis's stem cell transplant where emotional support still mattered, but I desperately needed physical tools. I needed my walks, movement, I needed rest, I needed fresh air, I needed a break from the hospital rooms and medical conversations. The point is the tool changed because the season changed. So instead of asking, what's the one thing that will help me? Try asking what tools might support me in this season. And I am so excited about this piece because I broke down the tools into, I think it's five categories here. And if you're on my email list, I will have a handout that you can download or you can print or look at and whatever. And I labeled each of the tools. The first one being mental tools. These help with your thoughts when they feel heavy and they're getting in the way or you need to get them out. And the tools that you could use are like journaling and reading, uh mental tools like podcasts and learning and reflection. These tools help you process and understand and gain perspective. It might be you use this tool when there's a you first learn a new diagnosis, or you got the test results, or you know, you're trying to figure out, you know, boundaries, that sort of thing. Okay, and the next one is emotional tools. I talked a lot about that just a few seconds ago. These help with your feelings, and you need somewhere to go, like therapy and coaching and talking with a trusted friend, support groups or sharing your stories. And when you think about emotional tools, you it reminds you that you don't have to carry everything alone. You need that emotional support. And then there are the physical tools that help you when stress is showing up in your body and you need to release it. Walking, stretching, exercise. Maybe it's rest, taking a nap, maybe it's going for a massage because your body is achy or deep breathing. Remember in the tools, I will give you a longer list in this handout that I have in my email list. Now, if you're not on my email list, text me. We're in the show notes. It says text Kathy and send me your email telling me I want to be on your email list. Because with physical tools, your body needs support before your mind. Now, you could use two of them at the same time. Maybe you go for a walk and you get the emotional support from talking to a friend on your walk. You could do that as well. Now, spiritual tools are something that help when your heart is searching for peace or comfort or meaning. Maybe it's prayer, going to church, meditation, devotions, um, quiet reflections. These tools can help you feel grounded during uncertain seasons. And then there are joy tools. And my friend, these are often the ones caregivers forget. I think because of the fact that we need moments of joy, and you just need a spark. And maybe you need, you're saying, I feel like the same old, same old again. I lost my identity, that kind of thing. For joy tools, it might be for me, it's gardening. Uh, dogs, it might be playing your favorite music. I talked a lot in past seasons about joining a bowling league or you join something, um, coffee with a friend. Maybe it's crafting or decorating or reading for pleasure, watching some one of your favorite shows. These are the things that remind you that you are still you, not just a caregiver. So I found these really helpful. And here's what I want you to remember: you don't need one tool, you need options. And my thought of creating this handout would be when you're in this funk for a lack of a term, and if you download this sheet that this handout that I give you, you can look at this and say, nothing's working right now, but I know I have possibilities. Let me go back to my tool sheet or my toolkit and look at those things. And you can look for the tools because one tool isn't enough. And one tool stops helping, so you can look for other ones. The goal isn't finding the perfect answer, the goal is having enough tools available to support yourself through whatever season caregiving brings you. You know, maybe you put on your thing that you need, um, you need to go for a walk through the museum, or you need, you know, you visit, you know, your favorite coffee shop, whatever it would be. Um, or maybe it's something as simple as taking a bath or lighting a candle, you know, you have to go ahead and start building that toolkit and making a lot of options so that when you are in that funk, you can bring it up. Now,

The Caregiver Experiment Mindset

SPEAKER_00 29:08

I call this part that I'm gonna talk about next the caregiver experiment, getting curious instead of giving up. You know, so now that we've talked about the seasons and the toolbox, why and why some coping strategies stop working, I want to offer you something simple. And that is to take this as an experiment, not a test, not anything to add to your to-do list, not anything you have to get right, just an experiment. And thinking about the biggest trap or the biggest thing that we say, why isn't this working? And honestly, I've asked myself this many, many times. Why isn't the walk helping? Why isn't the journaling helping anymore? Why am I still overwhelmed? Or why do I still feel stressed? Or why am I still struggling? And here's the problem: the question often leads us, like I said, to disappointment or that sense of hopelessness. So, what if we asked ourselves a different question? Instead of saying, why isn't this working? ask yourself, what might help right now? Pull up that file on your phone or that handout that you have handy and look at other options. That's a completely different conversation that you're having with yourself because the answer may not be what helped last month or last year or even last week. Maybe today you don't need a walk. Maybe you need a nap. Maybe today you don't need another podcast to listen to. Maybe you just need silence. Maybe today you don't need to journal. Maybe you just need to call a friend. Maybe today you don't need to be productive. Maybe you just need to do enough to get by and rest. And my friend, this is not failure. We've talked about this so much. This is awareness. This is you being so self-aware as a caregiver. And you are going ahead and giving yourself that. And awareness has been one of the biggest themes of season three. You're noticing the spill. Notice what is happening. Notice what you're feeling. Notice what your mind and your body and your emotions are telling you. And then ask yourself: what does the version of me need? Better yet, what is the version of me need right now? Not the version six months ago, not the versions of before caregiving, not the versions of you you wish you were, the version, the tired version need right now, the overwhelmed version need right now, the grieving version, the hopeful version, or the version showing up today. What do you need right now? Because the more we understand what we need in this season, the better we become a care, better we can become at caring for ourselves through it. And really, if we can care for ourselves better, it shows up better in caregiving. And sometimes the smallest shifts create the biggest relief. You don't have to have all the answers, my friend. You don't have to figure out the rest of the year. You don't even have to figure out next week. What might you just have to ask yourself, what might help me right now and start there? Remember, this is the experiment. What do you need right now? And maybe you just need to sit for the next half hour because your back and your legs are killing you, and you're so exhausted, you need to take a break and sit outside or just sit for a minute, whatever it would

Reflection Questions And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 33:17

be. So before we close today, I want to leave you with a few questions, not to overwhelm you again, not to give you more work, but to help you about what season you're in right now. A lot of you have um texted me or replied to emails saying I like to grab my journal during this time, or I pause and grab my journal. Some of you saying I hate journaling and I just I just listen to the question and use it on my walk. And maybe you're sitting there with your cup of coffee, whatever it would be. Here's some questions that you can reflect on. What used to what used to help me? What was that that what were the tools that used to help me? What isn't helping me anymore? And then what have I been needing but resisting? That's a good one. What if I've been resisting and I really need it? And what new support might I open be open to? And my friend, to be honest with yourself, because sometimes we hold on to the old tools because they're familiar, because they're easy, because that's what we feel comfortable with, not because they're what we need. And sometimes the support we've been resisting may be exactly what helps us move forward. Maybe it's admitting something to a friend and saying, I don't know what to do, you know, or maybe it's I need I need a few hours off a week and I need to ask for help, but I've been resisting it because of X, Y, and Z. Well, at least you have the awareness down. Now, what can you do to work on it? Remember, this isn't about having all the answers, it's about becoming aware of what the season is asking for you. And if there's one thing I hope you take away from today's episode from me, is remember you are not failing. You are adapting, adapting to changing circumstances, to new challenges, adapting to a role that rarely stays the same for very long. And my friend, that is hard work. Caregiving isn't static. The needs change, the demands change, the emotions change, and because of that, your support may need to change. That doesn't mean you failed, it means you're human. And honestly, some of the strongest caregivers I know aren't the ones who have figured out everything. I if I found a caregiver that had it all figured out, I would ask them what's wrong. Because we don't. Things are fluid and are going to change with us, with our loved one, you know, the situations, the doctors, whatever it would be. They're the ones willing to keep learning. When I say when people are adjusting and adapting, keep adjusting, keep trying things, keep caring for yourself, even when it feels difficult. So if something that used to help isn't working right now, please don't make it mean something is wrong with you. Maybe it's simply time for a different tool, a different approach, a different kind of support. Because just like the flowers in my garden, different seasons require different care. They do. So to kind of wrap it up here today, the biggest reminder for you is the goal isn't finding the perfect tool. The goal isn't continuing to care for yourself as you as your needs change. Friend, it's something worth giving yourself permission to do. It truly is. It truly is. So I hope you found this episode helpful. It it was even hard for me to find the words to come out right. So you've heard me kind of like once in a while, because there's no black book that we or instructional manual that we can open up to say during this season you need to do X, Y, and Z. There isn't. We have to figure out what's best for ourselves. So in

Next Episode Tease And Closing

SPEAKER_00 38:08

next week's episode, I want to really focus on uh I'm reading it here. I know that the struggle continues. And so the guilt of taking care of yourself, I want to talk about that. Um, and really talk about when we recognize that we need a new tool and we've got the awareness, now doing it, that guilt falls in. You finally take the walk, you schedule the massage, you meet up with a friend for coffee, you take a break, or like last episode when Kathy went ahead and took her vacation, and then the guilt shows up. You start wondering, should I be doing this? Shouldn't I should I be home instead? What if they need me? You know, all of those things race through your head. And so in the next episode, we'll talk about why caregivers show uh guilt show up and where it comes from and how to begin releasing it. Because once caregivers start rebuilding their cup, the guilt often tries to stop them. And that's exactly what we're talking about next time. And it so until then, my friend, I want you to go ahead and think about this episode. Send me a text, reply to my email and tell me the tools that aren't working right now. And what are you gonna experiment on? Or if the tools are working and you maybe you want to add another tool and you're gonna experiment to see if it raises the bar a little bit for you. I want to hear from you. And also, I want to again thank you for making this Caregiver Cup podcast a number one caregiver podcast. There are two companies. And I was the number one uh caregiver podcast in May. So I want to thank you. If you're sharing this podcast with others or talking about this, I just want to help other people. I just want to help other caregivers because this is a long journey for a lot of us. A lot of us. So until next time, my friend, keep noticing the spell and keep filling your cup. Try experimenting. Try looking at the tools in different categories now and looking at do I need emotional, do I need physical, do I need spiritual, do I need joy or whatever it would be. So bye for now, my friend, and we'll talk to you again next week.