The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Stop Settling: How to Shift Your Mindset and Reclaim Joy in Caregiving

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 221

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In this episode of The Caregiver Cup Podcast, we dive deep into the reasons why caregivers often feel stuck and explore how to break free from the spiral of making excuses, blaming, shaming, and settling. Caregiving is filled with challenges and cultural expectations that can cloud your view, mindset, and overall joy.

Join me as I share personal stories and practical strategies to help you recognize and understand these patterns. We'll discuss how to challenge excuses, shift blame, practice self-compassion, and take small steps toward a more fulfilling caregiving experience.

Remember, you may not be able to change your situation entirely, but you have the power to change how you approach it. Tune in to learn how to reclaim joy and find your strength in caregiving.

If you’re ready to transform your caregiving journey and find more peace and happiness, this episode is for you. Don’t forget to share your thoughts and experiences, and let’s support each other in this incredible journey.

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Speaker 1:

Hello, hello, hello. How are you? My friend? It's Kathy here. Welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast.

Speaker 1:

This topic today I've been toying with for a while, but I know it's time to share it. It reminds me of when you had, when I was in the office, for in the earlier 90s, I had stacks of paperwork at my desk that had to get done and I would just have the stack sitting there of all of the things that I had to do. Well, you pull out the one that you have to start your day and it's really, really hard, and you're like, oh my gosh, I got to get my groove on first, so I'm going to stick this one to the bottom of my stack and I'll get to it later. Well, guess what? Eventually, that paper that you put at the bottom still comes to the top, and you have to do it eventually. So this is the topic I wanted to share. It's not bad, it's just really uncomfortable and hard to talk about. But before we get into the topic, I wanted to first of all thank you for all of the text messages. Remember, there's a link in the show notes that says text. Kathy, I love hearing from you, your questions, your comments, your feedback, whatever they would be. I also love getting replies and emails from you and private messages on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you, I've been getting the ones. We haven't reviewed it last week because we had a guest, so I wanted to review a couple today. I'm going to do one at the very beginning of this episode and I wanted to save one until the end.

Speaker 1:

So the one I want to share is from Tulsa, oklahoma, on June 27th. The person didn't give her name or his name, but I wanted to thank you first of all. It says I really like thinking about what you were the most proud of when you're in the grind of caregiving. It's not something you think about, but I wonder what I would say when my journey is over. It really impacts what you do every day, maybe how I handle the little things, how I look at the overall picture, how I care for myself so I can care more eagerly for my spouse. The person said thank you for this podcast. I love this. I am so glad you took a moment and sent this text. Thank you as caregivers. This and I put job in quotes here but this job or this role of caregiving and the amazing gift you're giving to your spouse changes you. It can change you for the better. It can gift you with a deeper sense of purpose, a stronger appreciation for the little victories and a profound resilience. Reflecting on what you're most proud of can help you stay motivated and find joy in your everyday moments, so I'm so glad you brought that back up. My comment to you is keep nurturing yourself so you can continue to care for your spouse with the love and eagerness that they need and you deserve. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and for listening to the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's just beautiful to get these texts and I love the fact that I can share those back with everybody that's listening.

Speaker 1:

So, okay, let's now jump into today's episode. My fur babies are joining me again because there's a thunderstorm, so you might hear the jingle of their collars or a moan or a groan, but they're usually sleeping pretty good when I'm laying here talking through my podcast. So let's talk about what you are saying and telling yourself Now. These are true and it's reality. So I'm saying they're true and real, but they cloud your view, your mindset and your overall joy. Can you see how this is hard? It's those things that I hear, those things that I've said, and they're true, but it clouds ourself from feeling good and it clouds ourself from seeing anything else.

Speaker 1:

You may say things like and I'm going to give you some examples, and one of them is mine. You may say things like my culture expects the children to care for their parents. It is what it is right. Or, as a wife, that's what we do take care of our spouses, we said, for better or for worse. Or another one that I've heard is my religion won't let me bring in anyone for help. And again, remember, it's true and it's reality. You might even have said there's no one else, and that may be true. Or we can't afford help. I don't have money, our expenses are limited, and the one for me that I would say all the time to myself, maybe to some close friends, is my parents don't want to be in a nursing home and I will take care of them. And that's what I promised to my dad when he was in his last few days of his life, and I would take care of my mom. Like I said before, these are true, these are the facts and for many of us it's reality. But I want to talk and I want to unpeel the onion. So I want to address the reasons caregivers feel stuck and explore how to find choices within the seemingly unchangeable situations. That's a hard thing to say and I can't believe I wrote them out. To find choices within seemingly unchangeable situations.

Speaker 1:

What I did today is I this morning, after I got back from my walk, I took like a scrap piece of paper and I did mind mapping. And if you've never done mind mapping, it's drawing like a circle in the middle and then you're drawing lines on the outside and you're trying to see the whole picture. It. It reminds me of, oh my gosh, like you're doing circle, line, circle, and it's almost like a sunshine, but then there's all different rays and all different extensions from the original thought. And so I wrote, wrote this down and the words we say and the emotions that we feel, and so I'm going to use the example from myself.

Speaker 1:

It was one Sunday, from taking care of my mom, I came home from a full day with my mom and what I would do is I would take her grocery shopping, do her bills, we would do something fun, I would help her around the house. I came home exhausted, angry and downright frustrated. I remember coming into the house and my husband never went along because he was recovering from his chemotherapy and resting and stuff. I sat down on the couch next to my spouse, who sits on his lazy boy and said I can't do this anymore. And I mean I was emotional and angry and the whole thing. And my spouse who's pretty good but he's very logical he said what can't you do anymore? And right away that put me on the defensive and I just rattled off I can't do this Sunday anymore. I just can't do it. I need to just escape, right. And I just went on and on and he said what can you change? And it just kind of stopped me in my tracks and I just said I can't, there's no one else, I can't Right away.

Speaker 1:

I was thinking about I think what I was thinking and he was thinking were totally different, because I think what he was thinking of what can you change is like can there be somebody else to help? Can you do this, can you do that? And I kept saying I can't, there is no one else. And he said very quietly because he knew I was going to bark again. He said I think you can.

Speaker 1:

And I right away jumped and I said I promised dad that I would take care of mom, that she would never have to go into a nursing home, that she would never have to be alone, all this kind of stuff. And he said, stop thinking about the obvious, thinking about the obvious. And I was like, oh my gosh, I was so tired and so angry at that time but he had said so many great words in that short, brief stint with me. I was so close-minded and couldn't see anything else. All I could think about was Kathy's pity party and the situation of being really, really hard. I know you can relate, I know you can. It brought me back to when I was thinking about this. It brought me back to other stages in my life and other situations, and I know you can think about other real situations outside of caregiving, because sometimes it's easier to think about the lesson to learn from this, from something else besides caregiving. It brought me back to my early career in corporate America.

Speaker 1:

I was working for a Fortune 100, then became a Fortune 50 company where I wanted to be in a leadership role and I wanted to manage a team. I wanted to do more than just being a processor that I was, and so I started applying for these frontline leader roles and these manager roles after two rejections only two. I didn't apply for over a year because I put these things into my head and I put excuses in my head by saying I must not be qualified, I have no experience. My head by saying I must not be qualified, I have no experience, and so I just didn't apply anymore. Then also I blamed the interview process. You know it's a crappy interview process. They don't even look at my years of experience. They don't look outside of all of the things that I did with the PTA and the sports organizations and all that kind of stuff, because I was on the board for a lot of those things.

Speaker 1:

And then I blamed the company. It's like, okay, you have to go ahead and have the highest degree and you have to have all this experience, so how is anybody else going to ever get into a leadership role? And then I blamed the questions that the interview was asking. And then I went into the shame mode by saying I'm not smart enough. I should have sold myself better. What is wrong with me? I wasn't wearing a new suit, so they probably didn't hire me because of my used suit that I was wearing. So I kept shaming myself. And then I went into this settling mode where that's where I didn't apply.

Speaker 1:

For over a year. I kept telling myself well, I'm just not cut out for a leader role. There must be a certain thing that you have to be. I will just be a good processor and we will just have to live with my income and hope things stay okay for us and I'm going to be content with it. I did that for a year, and so I'm trying to relate these two. We do the same in caregiving in our situation. We make excuses, we blame ourselves, we shame ourselves and then we settle. And so let's break these down a little bit, making excuses With my mom's situation, and when I was sitting on the couch and having that mental breakdown, I kept saying I can't do this anymore because there is no one else who can take care of mom.

Speaker 1:

That was my excuse. Another excuse is I promised that, dad, I would take care of mom, so I have no other choice but to try to figure out how I'm going to do everything and have mom be part of it as well. And then I went into blame. There's no one else that wants to help, so I have to do it all myself. I have two siblings. If my family were more supportive, I would not feel so overwhelmed. Well, they didn't even know what I was thinking, feeling. Then I go into shame mode. I'm failing because I can't handle this. What is wrong with me? I'm not strong enough to keep going and I should be able to manage this. Oh my gosh, shaming was one I did a lot of and then I would settle this is just how it is going to be, it is what it is. I actually have a shirt that says it is what it is and I had to accept it. That says it is what it is and I had to accept it. Or the settling is I'll never find a way to make the situation better for myself.

Speaker 1:

How often do you feel this way? So what happens to you when you are in this spiral and stay in this spiral? Hmm, you know you think about this, and what I wrote down on my mind map were emotion, well-being and isolation is what happens when you're in a spiral. Now, if you think of other things, hit that text button and tell me. But think about when you're in a spiral and stay in this spiral. What is your emotions like? What are your thoughts and feelings that are feeding the emotion?

Speaker 1:

Are you making excuses? It leads to feelings of helplessness and frustration as a caregiver, that you believe that you have no control over the situation and so your excuses are you know, I have no control, it is what it is. And then you start feeling. You start, you know, you just feel like you're stuck or the blame sets in. You generate resentment and anger Mine just kept getting worse and often directed at yourself or others. When you're in this emotional thing Think about me sitting on that couch. I was barking at my husband or you start shaming yourself with guilt or low self-esteem and you're starting to think you're not worth enough or you're not doing enough and you're failing in this role. You're not failing in this role.

Speaker 1:

When you come to this realization oh my gosh, we're going to talk about that in a minute or you settle, you just feel the defeat and the hopelessness, and then you start becoming disengaged and numb and just go through the motions like it's Groundhog Day disengaged and numb and just go through the motions like it's Groundhog Day. It's important to understand and remember. What we're doing here is we're looking at the facts and the reality of your situation, when your emotions are telling you something, just take it in and saying, okay, what's going on here? When I wrote down well-being when I wrote down well-being. Now, when you think about your well-being, it causes chronic stress due to the constant feeling of being overwhelmed and you're unable to find a solution. So when you're in this spiral, it's starting to affect you physically, emotionally, spiritually, nutritionally everything.

Speaker 1:

The blaming starts by having health issues like headaches, high blood pressure, weakened immune system from the ongoing anger, and so that just keeps plummeting. And then how many of you maybe have experienced depression or anxiety when you start internalizing the situation and your failures or the hopelessness that you have, and all of this results in burnout and you start feeling that exhaustion and it starts compromising your ability. The facts are there, the reality is there, your mind is telling you something, your body is telling you that, yeah, this is the situation and I'm starting to spiral, and you might even feel isolation, meaning you start believing there's no way out and you're alone doing this. And it can lead to socially withdrawing and not reaching out to anybody, because nobody understands. And what I'm trying to get at is there's millions and millions of people in the world and nobody understands. No, somebody understands. And then you start blaming yourself for straining the relationship or the conflicts that arise. You start shaming yourself because you're too embarrassed or ashamed to share your struggles with others, and then you just settling for the isolation and your lack of motivations. And so I know this is very dark and this is where I'm like I was toying with this a lot, but it is the facts and the reality of your situation. So what do we do usually when we're in this spiral that's really going down?

Speaker 1:

I woke up the next day after the couch incident with my husband and the next day saying I just need to think positively, I need to be grateful. I went for a walk, I was, I was committed to eating better, I made my spinach shake. I was journaling five things of gratitude. Well, I'm going to up them to 10 because I'm in a pretty intense situation. And I had lunch with a friend, because it's always better to go ahead and talk with a friend. Well, in my words, these were quick fixes and we know we try quick fixes all the time but within days, I was back to the spiral and the spiral was even going further down. It was spiraling down even further.

Speaker 1:

Over the next few weeks the spirals turned into anger, showing up with behaviors like I was snapping at people, I was crabby at work, I was even beeping my horn and passing somebody fast when they were going the speed limit. Then came panic attacks. I would start getting panic attacks, kind of like you know how you feel when you're Sunday night and you have to go to work or you have a really important thing that you have to do the next day and you're nervous as all get out. Yeah, I was having panic attacks for those. And then I started noticing vertigo and meaning vertigo when I went to what I would lay on the floor, like doing some sit ups, or I would get out of bed and the room would be spinning and I didn't know why. Well, that was another way.

Speaker 1:

My body was telling me that I was in overload, and so I had to go ahead and figure that out. So I had to look for shifts. I had to look for ways to improve. I could be fully committed to my mom's care. I could be fully committed to my mom's care, but I had to look for ways to take care of myself and my mindset. The reality and the fact is that I knew my mom's care was priority, but I also had other priorities and I had to take care of myself in order to go ahead and take care of my priorities. Care of myself in order to go ahead and take care of my priorities.

Speaker 1:

And it started with my mindset not doing all of the things, like going for a walk and eating better, not saying those were important, but I had to go deeper and go deeper into the situation. So the very first thing that I had to do was be honest about the situation and root cause. You have to be honest about the situation and the causes. What are the facts? What are the causes? When Dennis said to me what can you change and stop thinking of the obvious, he was right on point, because all I was thinking about was what I couldn't change or the totally impossible. You're at the bottom of a mountain and you have to climb up a mountain. That's going to take you four hours to climb. If you look at the tip of the mountain, that's going to be major stress. I don't know why I came up with that example, but that's the example I came with Instead of looking at it as shorter routes. I just have to get here first, then I have to get here first and looking at a plan that would be better.

Speaker 1:

Now, going back to your brain is going to convince you when you are trying to be honest with yourself. It's going to convince you that nothing is wrong with you and you can't change. It's going to tell you you can't Kathy, you can't Sarah, you can't Jessica, whatever your name is. Your brain will talk you out of this way of thinking because it wants to protect yourself and the way it's protecting yourself. It's telling you this is what it is. You may need to talk to someone who will keep convincing you that you need to go deeper, you need to come up from that spiral and you need to look at all of your options and all of the situation, weighing out the facts and the reality, but also weighing out what else is there for you.

Speaker 1:

For me, the reality was that I was fully committed to my mom's care, but I wasn't looking at myself as a priority. I went through my past week and I really reflected on what I was doing and I wasn't slowing down at all and recharging. I was looking at oh, I have 10 minutes, I can do this. I have 30 minutes, I can do this. I wasn't slowing down at all. I was stressed and I was carrying worry, I was carrying guilt, I was carrying anger, I was carrying everything. I was thinking about what is my mom doing? Is she okay?

Speaker 1:

It's kind of like when you have a newborn baby and you go out for a date on your first night and all you do is worry about the baby. And you go out for a date on your first night and all you do is worry about the baby and you want to watch the nanny cam the whole time. It reminds me of that. I wasn't asking for help or I wasn't even allowing for help. I mean, I was in this mindset that I had to do it all. I had this 100-page to-do list that I had to do each and every week. That's kind of exaggerating, but that's kind of what I was thinking. When I was home. I couldn't shut off caregiving. When I was at caregiving, I couldn't shut off Dennis. When I was at work, I couldn't focus on work. I was just all over that place and all the other things that I needed to be done. I was just carrying way way too much.

Speaker 1:

And so I think the big question for everybody here is how do you break free of the spiral? I'm going to pause here a minute and take a drink quick. How do you break free of this spiral, this mindset, this block that you have? How do you break free of this? And I wrote these five steps down and these are five simple to right steps, but they are not simple at all. It may take extra work, extra thoughts, it's going to take time and you may need to talk to somebody about this. I'm here as a coach. You may talk to a friend, you may talk to your therapist, but to break free of this spiral is you have to acknowledge and challenge your excuses when you say something wrong. I want you to challenge yourself, identify what you said like an excuse and challenge that and validate it and seek alternative solutions and support. An example that comes to mind is I'm going to try to pick one here. Try to pick one here.

Speaker 1:

My culture requires children to take care of their parents. Okay, yeah, acknowledge that, but also challenge that. What does caring for, taking care of, mean? I want you to challenge that, because it's not falling on the sword and doing it all it is. Taking care of and caring for can mean many different things and I want you to think about that I also want the second one is to shift the blame. Recognize that caregiving is challenging and that it's okay to seek help, and understand that blaming others or, better yet, blaming yourself isn't productive. Yourself isn't productive.

Speaker 1:

If you're making a mistake or you think you're failing at something, ask yourself why. Understand it. Understand why it might be because you're overloaded. I can't tell you how many times I think I've said this in previous episodes. I would leave my debit card at the cashier or leave it in the slot before you could scan it. Now I would leave my keys or I would forget things, and then I would start blaming myself. Well, get it together, kathy. What the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you? You know, and you start blaming it, or you start blaming others You're thinking about. Well, my brother never comes over and help, what the heck is wrong with him? Well, did I ask him? Did I share? What is my mom saying to him? You know, again, looking at and shifting the blame and really just being okay to go ahead and look at why, and if you need to talk to somebody and you're being hard on yourself, you need to go ahead and look at that. Blame means something more deeper. Another one is to think about when you're in this.

Speaker 1:

How to break the spiral is self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness. Understand that it's normal to feel overwhelmed. You're not a failure. Grant yourself grace and saying if this was happening to my friend, what would I tell her? You're being too hard on yourself. You're being too hard on yourself. How can a normal person handle that? You may have to go ahead and seek help for this and strengthen that self-compassion muscle, if I can use that analogy.

Speaker 1:

Number four of the how to break the spiral is taking small steps, manageable changes that can improve your situation, and being able to do that. When Dennis said, stop looking at the obvious and I went ahead and thought about it is like I need to prioritize myself. Imagine that you're looking at a bar chart. The bar chart should show you're caring for a caregiver at the same level as caring for yourself. If you're caring for your loved one and that is the highest possible piece and that's priority, well your priority of yourself should be just as high, if not higher. And so how can you focus on taking care of yourself and setting realistic goals for yourself and doing that, and maybe a small step is taking 10 minutes in the morning. It's in the morning and really just going ahead and meditating or praying or stretching, or it's okay at lunchtime. I am going to go ahead and have lunch on the patio and let my mom watch her. My mom used to watch Young and the Restless and while she was watching Young and the Restless I said I'm going to go sit out on the patio and have my salad out there and read my book while you're watching, and you know that was our break from each other, but that was a realistic place for me to recharge.

Speaker 1:

And the fifth one we've talked about throughout these is seeking connection connection. I can't stress enough that finding support groups, listening to this podcast, talking to friends, maybe even seeking professional help, will help you realize that you can reduce the feelings of isolation and stopping the blame and practicing self-compassion. So I have an assignment for you. Those were the five pieces, but I have to end the day. I want to give you a homework assignment and it's nothing major, but it's something that I want you to journal. It's really simple, but it's really, really impactful. Grab your journal or a blank piece of paper or, if you like, to use your notes in your phone while you're in the waiting room or waiting for your loved one or something.

Speaker 1:

I want you to write at the top. What if I? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. What if I? I want you to think of everything and anything. It's okay if it's bizarre or crazy or unrealistic. I want you to think about what if I, and I want you to think about it. Here's just a few ideas to get you started. What if I took a day off just for myself? I took a day off just for myself. What if I didn't do the laundry today? What if I read a good book? What if I called a friend? What if I asked for help? What if I asked for help? What if I spoke up? I want you to think about this Now.

Speaker 1:

When you do brainstorming from a journal perspective, I encourage you to do at least 10 minutes, because what the rule is is, when you do it, you can usually do the what ifs for five minutes, but then after that it gets harder and I want you to go even deeper and deeper and go 10 minutes. Even if you're struggling, just keep thinking what if I? What if I? What if I? What if I bought flowers? What if I? And just keep going? What if I went for a drive? What if I didn't do this? What if I didn't do this? What if I did this? You know whatever? And then, after you're done, I want you to circle one or two and do it. What if I didn't do laundry today and circled it because I didn't feel like it? Could it wait for a day? Could I do an extra large load tomorrow, instead of two loads? I don't know, I'm just using that example. What if I spoke up and told my loved one I need to go ahead and take a 15-minute break in the middle of the day because I need fresh air? You know what if you did that? I want you to challenge yourself.

Speaker 1:

Okay, as promised, I want to make sure I get to one text message before I end today, but thank you for joining me today and diving into this deep topic, into the reasons why we feel stuck and how we can break free of this spiral of making excuses, blaming and shaming and settling. Remember first that recognizing and understanding these patterns is the first step towards changing them. As a caregiver yourself and myself it's crucial to acknowledge our feelings right and the impact they have on our well-being. But challenging our excuses and shifting our blame and practicing self-compassion, taking steps and small steps and seeking connection means we can begin to transform as a caregiver. So I wanted to make sure I got that in before I read the text here. I wanted to share one more text and that's from Kathy. I think, kathy, we had one from you a couple weeks ago. I'm like, thank you, I can recognize you now because once you send me one text, it just shows up into all underneath one, and so, kathy, thank you. She said I can't thank you enough, kathy.

Speaker 1:

I've gone back into the podcast and listened to so many. I love the morning recommendations. I'm learning to take better care of myself and recently set up a much overdue doctor's appointment for health problems Kudos to you. And I've had for quite some time due to her conditions. I've listened to this podcast now twice. It was so helpful. I love the flush it. And she said haha, it's nice to know, going through this caregiving for 11 years, that I'm done. I'm sorry, I'm not alone. It's been tough. So thank you, kathy. Thank you so much for the kind messages. I'm incredibly touched to hear that you found the podcast helpful and are taking those steps to better yourself. We are cheering you on as listeners and we so much forget to prioritize our own health and even these steps of going to the doctor are so important. I am so proud of you for doing that. I'm glad you enjoyed the flush it and I love the way you put it, because she put flush it together and it looks like flu shit, sorry. I love it because it's like it is and the strategy behind the flush it strategy.

Speaker 1:

It's always great to find little ways to bring some humor and relief into our caregiving journey. You might even find this in the spiral steps that we talked about today. What can you flush? What can you get rid of in the shame and the blame? Remember you are definitely not alone in this. Many of us face similar challenges and it's comforting to know we can support each other through these tough times. To everyone listening, please remember that prioritizing your own health and well-being is essential, whether it's setting up a doctor's appointment, taking a moment for yourself or just finding something that makes you smile, even small steps count.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, today. This is it for this week. I encourage you to take some time and do the homework. Hey, let me know if this has helped the what if? Question, and if you did it, I want to hear it Because I think it's just a daily reminder that we have to continue to program our mind through this, because that negativity can just take over. And if you have any questions, need support or just want to share your journey, don't hesitate to reach out. You can get a 30-minute free chat with me, if you want to, by going to kathylvancom forward slash coaching. You can send me a text, you can send me an email. I'm here to support you every step of the way. So until next time, friend, keep nurturing yourself and remember you have the power to find joy and peace in this caregiving journey. So take care.