The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Understanding and Overcoming Caregiver Resentment and Anger

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 224

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What happens when your personal battle with COVID-19 intersects with the demanding role of caregiving? Join me as I share the raw and emotional journey of navigating my husband's recent struggle with the Omicron variant, layered with my own harrowing experience of severe COVID-19 in 2021. From feelings of anger and resentment to moments of guilt and fear, this episode unpacks the complex emotional terrain faced by caregivers during such challenging times. To lighten the atmosphere, listener stories from Pam in Minnesota and Catherine offer heartwarming reminders of how finding joy and connection can provide a much-needed refuge.

Caregiving isn't just a physical task; it's an emotional rollercoaster, especially when dealing with personal health crises and demanding family dynamics. Reflecting on my hospitalization and the stress induced by my mother's narcissistic behaviors, I discuss the internal conflict of balancing personal recovery with caregiving responsibilities. The societal pressures and unrealistic expectations placed on caregivers exacerbate these emotions, making it essential to practice self-compassion and set achievable goals. Learn about the significance of processing and releasing trauma to foster emotional well-being and better manage the anger and resentment that often accompany this role.

Discover the PEACE framework, a five-step method designed to help caregivers navigate their emotional struggles more effectively. Through my personal stories and practical advice, we'll explore how recognizing the signs of caregiver resentment - from fatigue to stress-related health issues - is crucial for maintaining both physical and emotional health. Sharing responsibilities, communicating openly, and creating a personalized toolkit are key strategies for overcoming these challenges. Let's remember, you don't have to go through this alone; together, we can find joy, happiness, and improved well-being in the caregiving journey.

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Speaker 1:

Yep, it happened again. This past week has been a struggle. Just when I think I have it all figured out, bam, I'm reminded that it's an ongoing work in progress. What am I talking about? Well, I'll explain it as I go on here. But, dennis, my spouse got that nasty that new Omicron virus of COVID and he was struggling on Thursday and he thought it was just a bad cold, but on Friday it was worse, and so I said well, we have a few more of these COVID tests left. Why don't you take one of these? Well, it showed up positive. He called his oncologist and, based on his condition, they put him on Paxilvit. I think the medicines really kept it from getting worse.

Speaker 1:

But it I mean nasty coughing, coughing, coughing, nonstop, chest congestion, fever and fatigue. Now I'm trying to stay away from him and we are both quarantining. It's giving me more time more or less to think about, and it brings me back to when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2021 with COVID. I couldn't even pick up the phone, talk to anyone because my headaches were so intense. I couldn't see out of my eyes because they were so swollen, and when I did, I couldn't focus. But a couple of minutes. Dennis, my husband would laugh at me because the phone would actually dial and all I wanted to do was hang up right away. I would try to FaceTime my mom as well and she would get so mad at me for not wanting to talk. I couldn't. I mean, it was almost like you were running and you were out of breath and you just couldn't do it anymore. And it kept. Every time Dennis would get his symptoms. It would just kind of bring back this trauma that I had.

Speaker 1:

That's where this ongoing work in progress statement begins today and you'll understand as I go through it. But, like I said today, and you'll understand as I go through it, but, like I said, my negative side of my brain is revisiting how angry I was and still to this day, resentment visits during this whole COVID thing. So today, my friend, we're going to talk about anger, resentment and all the other feelings that come up along with these emotions. You know there's tons of them. It's guilt and shame and frustration and more. But before we unpack this very hard emotion or emotions, I want to give a shout out to just a couple of messages that I got this week. The text message on the bottom of your podcast episode description. I got one from Minneapolis, minnesota, last Thursday and it says Kathy, I love your podcast. Well, thank you. Just recently found it when I was searching caregiver burnout and since then I subscribe and listen to so many of your episodes. So, thank you. I love listening to your talk. I'm from Minnesota, so I feel I'm listening as a good friend and neighbor. Yeah, we are, I'm in Wisconsin and my journey with caregiving is just beginning.

Speaker 1:

I appreciate your tips, your humor and your kind of way of sharing invaluable information. I think, most importantly, you make me laugh out loud, and I need that. It's so heavy dealing with all these new struggles, so to get a laugh out loud in my car is such a great feeling. Thank you for the work you do. You are appreciated and she signed it, pam. So thank you, pam. I don't know, I was never raised with a sense of humor at all. It was actually frowned upon in our house to do a lot of joking and playing around, but as I grew as an adult, I think I had to fill that tank and I have this weird sense of humor and not always get like comedy shows and stuff, but I get this weird sense of humor all the time. So thank you, I appreciate that and I know this struggle is just real and when we can laugh, it helps us release those endorphins that we release, pam, so thank you for doing that.

Speaker 1:

I also got an email response from Catherine with our weekly email. So if you're not on our weekly emails, definitely get out to kathielvancom and scroll down and join our weekly emails or message me if you need to, or text me and I will get you on the email list. But this past Friday I sent an email list out and one of the things that I wanted to do was get everybody to think about their wins for the week and trying to challenge them to think about five and then challenge ourselves to even go further and think about 10, because our brain stops at five and when we focus on all the things that we're doing and celebrate those, we should be proud of who we are. And so I want to just shout out to Catherine, who shared some of hers. She said I start with five, had dinner this week with another caregiver. We had a great time and shared lots of laughs and supports. Oh my gosh, I am so glad. What a great, great one. She said. My granddaughter sent me a video that she no longer needs training wheels. Oh yes, those are just great.

Speaker 1:

I went today to the most beautiful botanical garden with a friend for the day oh my gosh, you just hit my heart because I love flowers and plants and stuff like that and then sent my mom a birthday cake for her 80th birthday. She loved it. She lives in Florida. Kudos to your mom. 80 is such a beautiful number and you know we're living longer, and 80 is just, you know, another decade. So kudos to her. And then my neighbor and her little girl brought me over a care package of all kinds of lotions, soaps, and even added some fresh pasta. What a nice gesture of that.

Speaker 1:

So I think that and she said, yes, hard to come up with 10. Maybe you should remind us every week to think about five things. And so if you have five things that you want to celebrate, hit that text either right now and pause the episode, or hit that text after, or that little link in the show notes. I would love to hear from you, either via the show notes or, if you get my email, hit the reply and just say hi, I would love to get to know you, because this life gets so lonely when it comes to caregiving, know you? Because this life gets so lonely when it comes to caregiving. Okay, let's not wait any further and let's get back into the episode where I was feeling that trauma Once my husband got COVID.

Speaker 1:

It just brought me back to 2021. When I was extremely sick, I was hospitalized for COVID and my first, my little disclaimer, is my mom, 90% of the time, was a wonderful, wonderful person and she was energetic and outgoing, but then there was this 10% of her that had these bouts of narcissistic behaviors and selfishness behaviors and when she wasn't being taken care of or nobody was paying attention to her, it would almost like that would switch, would turn on. I had COVID so bad in 2021 that I was in a decompression room and I could barely open my eyes due to extreme headaches and swelling and fatigue. And then the nausea because they were pumping in antibiotics and I don't even think they were working, but they were making me extremely sick and I really. They came in with the suits on that looked like they had vacuum cleaners out of the back of their heads, the hoses, and I would try to check in with my spouse and my mom to see how they were doing and let them know that I was still here, because obviously we couldn't. Nobody was allowed into the hospitals and the staff was overworked. So when they did call they could, sometimes it would ring and they couldn't get ahold of anybody and I was trying to do the caregiving when I was sick.

Speaker 1:

Well, that's the first mistake that we all should learn from One FaceTime check-in with my mom. She started drilling me with questions like who's going to take care of me if something happens to you? Who's going to do the bills for me? Do I have any bills? Do that Maybe? What if they turn off the lights or my phone or whatever? And what if I run out of food? And so she was like drilling me and I knew she was fearful, but her narcissistic behaviors and things were coming out and she was making it all about me. And I remember saying Mom, I can't talk any longer, I gotta go, I gotta go. I can't believe you're asking me these questions. And I just hung up because I couldn't stay awake, I couldn't function.

Speaker 1:

Well, to be honest, I didn't know if I was going to get out of the hospital in the first few days, didn't know if I was going to get out of the hospital. In the first few days I think, if I go back to it my blood pressure was like 69 over 70. It was really unbelievably low, unbelievably low, and I was so dizzy and so out of it and I really didn't. But then when I started recovering and then I was discharged, I wasn't still well. I wasn't, I was still sick, but I was at least had the vitals that were stable and I could recover at home and they needed the beds, they needed to go ahead and get ready for somebody else. And so, instead of recovering like I should have done and just rested and laid around, I was becoming more and more angry and resentful because my mom was pressuring me about who's going to do this and what am I going to do if you can't come over and help me, and all of this. And then my spouse was still fighting his battle with cancer and I was worried about coming home and giving it to him. And this sat with me for months and still, to this day, I'm angry about it and it is trauma that I've been working on and trying to go ahead and release it, but it just keeps coming back and, like I said, bam it. Just it came again. However, this was a blessing in disguise, this whole thing.

Speaker 1:

When I came home from the hospital and I felt resentment and anger and this was a blessing in this tough challenge. First of all, I thought to myself I was resting a lot, I had a lot of time to myself. I had to understand my mom's behaviors. I figured that out. I needed to understand the behaviors before I just, you know, all I wanted to do was call her up and saying, I'm done, you figure it out yourself. And that's not what my heart wanted to do. Number two I had to deal with the anger and the resentment, the guilt, the shame which I shouldn't have felt guilty and shame, the frustration and then the overall stress of it all. And so I had to do that. And so I think understanding my mom's behaviors was my turning point, and understanding why your loved ones do or act the way they do is really good. And so I did some research and gathered some nuts here to go ahead and share some of the things that I did. I collected.

Speaker 1:

Anger and resentment can bubble up for caregivers right From the loved one's behaviors, due to several factors. Let's go through these five factors. First of all, for us, and for me especially, unrealistic expectations was a behavior that caused part of the anger and resentment. We set high expectations for ourselves, expecting to manage everything perfectly, and, to be honest, I have a hard time with this one and I always think I can do it all.

Speaker 1:

I was listening to a podcast today and I don't remember that podcast interviewer's name. I listened to Jenna Kutcher, who is an entrepreneur, and that's what I listened to on Mondays, and she talked about the feminine brain and the masculine brain and I kind of related to it. The masculine brain wants to fix everything, wants to do everything, wants to make everything better, and the feminine brain wants to go ahead and really understand it and in this situation, kind of figuring out how are we going to get it accomplished, what is our process, that kind of thing. Well, I thought of the masculine side.

Speaker 1:

When loved ones make demands or have high expectations as well, it can exasperate feelings of inadequacy and frustration in us and it leads to our anger and resentment. So was this part of the root cause? Was I feeling inadequate and frustrated and was my mom seeing that I couldn't handle all of the things that I did before and she thought I, I don't know. And then another factor is lack of control, because many situations in caregiving are beyond our control and beyond caregivers' control, such as a loved one's deteriorating health or challenging behaviors. The lack of control can make caregivers feel helpless and angry. And then, on the flip side, I didn't have control over my health. However, if I retraced my steps, I was just burning the candle at both ends and trying to do everything and you know, bammo, I got sick. Not saying that, you know, that was the reason for the COVID, but I wasn't taking good care of myself in a lot of the situations that I remember back at.

Speaker 1:

Another factor is emotionally strained. Caregiving is emotionally taxing. Our loved one's constant demands and questions can feel overwhelming, especially when we are already stretched thin and the burden often leads to feelings of anger and resentment. Think about when you are trying to do everything, or you look at your schedule You're trying to work, you're trying to manage your household, you're trying to take care of your loved ones, you're trying to take them up to appointments and taking care of all the administrative. I could go on and on and on. Another factor is unmet needs and lack of support. You know caregivers may feel unsupported by other family members or friends, leading to feelings of isolation and then resentment. The lack of appreciation for their efforts can also contribute to these emotions. Another and the last one a factor is role reversal and guilt. You know, caring for a parent or a spouse can involve a difficult role reversal and can be hard to adjust to. Additionally, caregivers often feel guilty for taking time for themselves or for not being able to do everything everything perfectly and then it feels resentment.

Speaker 1:

In my blog post, I will reference where I got all of these from, and so a lot of them came from aging care and always best care senior services. So a lot of this information didn't come from me. I did a lot of research to grab it. So understanding your root causes can help you, as a caregiver, recognize that these feelings are normal and valid. Addressing the emotions through self-compassion, seeking support and setting realistic expectations can mitigate the image of anger and resentment on your well-being and your caregiving journey. So I want you to stew with that and think about those.

Speaker 1:

Now let me fast forward to the months following my hospitalization back in 2021. I had to learn how to address that resentment within and understand how to figure it out and ways to release it, because, in my mind, you can't change your loved one, you can't change the thing that you're angry at or the person you're angry at, but you can change yourself. You may be able to influence them, but they're not going to totally change. You have to change yourself. For me, resentment came out and looked like a lot, and we're not. I'm talking about shame here and I'm almost like, yeah, I feel shameful telling you this, but you have to be bluntly honest with yourself. Anger came out at the silliest times. Even this week, when I was going to get Dennis' Paxlovid, I was angry because he had COVID and it was bringing back trauma.

Speaker 1:

And I noticed that my driving in 2021, I was more aggressive and sassy with my driving and I noticed it was back on Friday when I was going to get us meds I would roll my eyes or get somebody to go faster or I'd pass somebody and I have a lead foot anyway, but I'm a safe, safe driver but I was like I didn't have a lot of patience. I noticed back in 2021 when I was working my job then I'd go back to work after my COVID week off when somebody was speaking at work, I was rolling my eyes. I was getting frustrated with an impatient. I was getting frustrated with an impatient and I was finding myself with doing that with my mom and my spouse. I was just, I didn't have a lot of patience and I was edgy and bitter, that kind of thing. It also showed up with exhaustion and I was checked out. I went through the motions but I didn't care. Everything was hard and I didn't want to do anything or and I wanted to just be alone and I know my body was saying, yeah, you need time to heal, you need time to recuperate, but as a caregiver, we don't have that.

Speaker 1:

So let me share some more research on various ways or signs, common signs and symptoms when this anger and resentment become, it stresses and it taxes your system. Let's talk about, first of all, the emotional signs taxes your system. Let's talk about first of all, the emotional signs and you may nod and realize that, yeah, that happens to me. But one of the things you want to do is, when anger and resentment visit is you want to recognize what are your actions and thoughts and overall emotions. First of all, chronic anger and irritability. Oh my gosh, they're defining me.

Speaker 1:

We have that towards our loved ones. We could have that towards our family members. It could be a response to the demands of what we're doing or the lack of appreciation. Another emotion is guilt. Guilt often accompanies resentment, with caregivers feeling bad about their negative emotions or perceived inadequacies in their caregiving role. This guilt can further exasperate I can never say that word feelings of resentment. And so we may feel guilty when we take our loved one in and we found out that they have something and we may feel guilty. Oh, I should have caught that earlier. Or if they would have only taken a shower, we would have not been in this. You know that kind of thing.

Speaker 1:

Another one is the exhaustion, and I'm talking about the emotional strain that can lead to burnout. When caregivers feel that emotional drain, they're unable to cope with the daily responsibilities, and that's what I felt. This can manifest as feelings of detachment or indifference towards their loved one. You're not showing up as the same person. And then the last emotional one is bitterness. We develop this pervasive sense of bitterness, feeling that our sacrifices are unrecognized or unappreciated. We have a general sense of negativity about the situation and life in general. We may even say things that we don't recognize.

Speaker 1:

Physical signs now, those were the emotional. Physical signs are fatigue we're just exhausted and tired, just tired all the time. We also have stress-related issues like headaches, digestion issues, sleep disturbances. Trust me, I was dreaming stuff this past week that I was struggling with, and there were resentment situations in my dreams. And your overall health is struggling, and so stress is trying to grab on to a body function of yours so that it alerts your mind and your body to you, so that you can recognize where you're at. It's amazing what your body does and we don't even recognize it. How am I acting emotionally? That know, that's a sign. What's happening physically? Okay, that's another sign.

Speaker 1:

And then our behaviors withdrawal, and we maybe don't want to do things and we don't have the energy and we isolate ourselves even more. We're neglecting our own self-care, and that could be anything. Maybe you're not waking up in the morning and doing your morning walk, or you're not going ahead and eating healthy, or you're not even putting on your makeup or your hair, whatever it would be putting on your makeup or your hair, whatever it would be. And another behavioral sign is you're overreacting to really minor situations and things that you used to do. And then don't forget about the cognitive signs. Your negative thinking is more and more and more, because your brain is just fueling on that, or you have loss of interest in things. You know, I think about that. Yeah, you'd loss of interest if you, if you loved watching your favorite show, or you loved connecting with a friend, or you love gardening, and all of a sudden I just don't, because you're exhausted physically, mentally, and you just you can't.

Speaker 1:

Really understanding these signs can help you, as a caregiver, recognize when you are experiencing resentment, and then you can start taking steps. And those steps may be sitting with yourself. Those steps may be seeking support. Those steps may be talking to a friend. Those steps may be taking time away, like respite care for you or your loved one. And my thought is, when you spend time understanding and acknowledging your anger and resentment and all of the feelings and the behaviors and the physical symptoms, you can start then with that base and then figure out how to shift and manage it.

Speaker 1:

I asked myself in that situation, probably weeks after I got out of the hospital and started realizing resentment wasn't going away what if I continue to let this resentment build? I was scared. I didn't want this to affect my relationships. I didn't want it to affect my health again. I didn't want it to affect the quality time and the time that I'm spending with my spouse and my mom and helping them as a caregiver. I wanted to show up as my best self.

Speaker 1:

I remember sobbing after the whole situation but, most importantly, how my brain wanted to stay in this dark state. My brain wanted me to stay there. Finally, I had to say not anymore. And I said some swear words I need to figure this out and move forward. I did. I remember saying that I look at my journal and it was like you know, in big, bold, capitalized letter not again, I'm figuring this out. And then I wrote I want joy, I want happiness, I want to love myself. And that's what I wrote as I was sobbing. That's where I figured out this framework called peace. And I figured out this framework and how to build a personalized toolkit to conquer stress, conquer anger, conquer resentment, guilt, shame and frustration, all that stuff associated underneath anger and resentment. And guess what, my friend, you can too. You can figure this out. And if you need a little help, I created the Conquering Resentment course, which are my five. It's a five-step framework. It's my peace framework. It's a digital, self-paced.

Speaker 1:

The video is less than one hour, like 50, some minutes specially designed to help caregivers manage their anger effectively. In this masterclass, I have a robust workbook that you can download, or you can go ahead and print and guess what? You have it for life, so if anger and resentment comes back in a year, you can watch this video again. You can go ahead and redo the workbook again and you're going to gain tools to navigate your emotional challenges, achieve more peace and joy and improve your overall well-being. So imagine this toolbox that you have whatever it looks like, this imaginary toolbox, and you're adding in tools to help you overcome it. The first one might be just I have to sit down with myself and really get out all of the frustration that I'm feeling and all of the past baggage that's just weighing on my back.

Speaker 1:

In this course, we delve into the journey of understanding and imagining these powerful emotions. I just skimmed the surface. Today, together, we can transform your caregiving experience and bring you more joy in your life. The benefits of this masterclass are you're going to gain practical tools to handle emotional challenges. This framework works with any emotion and you could achieve a sense of peace and joy. You may not be able to change your situation. But remember, you can change yourself. You can improve your overall well-being and you can navigate your caregiving journey with more resilience and positivity. Don't miss out on this transformative opportunity.

Speaker 1:

I want you to go check it out. There's going to be a link in the show notes. You can also go to kathielvancom forward slash resentment and check out the course. I'm just going to be very transparent. It's only $47. And I have a couple of bonuses along with it, and one of the bonuses that I'm giving to you is, after you take the course, I'm going to give you 30 minutes to chat with me, to review your toolkit, to review your strategy, to help you with keeping you going to figure it out Because, just like anything in life, each situation is different, each season is different, and so you're going to have to have a lot of tools.

Speaker 1:

I joke at my husband opposite kind of a sidebar. He has so many tools in the garage it's just unbelievable. But he knows every single tool and he knows what every single tool is used for. I'm going to need this someday to drill a hole. I'm going to need this someday to go a hole. I'm going to need this someday to go ahead and chisel out something, whatever it would be. He knows all of his tools and, same with you, you're going to know what tools to pull out of your toolbox.

Speaker 1:

Before we close today, I want to personally thank you for showing up for yourself and I know for sure how you found I flubbed that up and I know, and I hope that you found this helpful, because when you show up as yourself and you show up for yourself, you can go ahead and change your situation. You can go ahead and improve your overall health. I would love to hear from you as well, in addition to thinking about your five celebrations. I want to know, if you wouldn't mind, what do you do when you feel anger and resentment? What is your practice?

Speaker 1:

I remember sometimes feeling just immediate anger after or during a doctor's appointment, and you know what my go-to is I go for a walk. Once my loved one, like Dennis, would get hooked up to his chemotherapy infusion. I would say I just need to go for a walk and I had to go ahead and figure out why I was feeling angry and try to start unpacking it, or at least trying to go ahead and be civil for the next few hours and get that started and saying you're okay, and I have some walks and self-talks that I do to myself and trying to go ahead and do that. But this is what we review in the first two steps in the framework. But don't lose sight about the fact that I have to go back and really, really dig deep into this and find out what the root cause is. Is it fear of him, his cancer, not getting any better? Well, that's a valid one, but we have to go.

Speaker 1:

I had to go ahead and do that, so that's kind of a little bit that we dive deep into. Well, take care of my friends. I got to stop talking before this becomes too long, but I want you to remember this you know, filling your cup is an important piece, but before you even fill your cup, you have to fill your mindset and train your mindset to know that you are the most important piece in this caregiving journey for your loved one. They rely on you and you have to show up as your best self. You have to continue to work on situations that aren't ideal and make them work for you, and so you have to treat yourself well, and so for me, when I was in this COVID trauma.

Speaker 1:

I had to say what am I going to learn from this bad situation where I felt anger and resentment, and how was I going to move forward as a better self, as a better caregiver? And you know, there's a lot of things that I learned from that situation that I needed to go ahead and learn that I couldn't do it all, that I had to go ahead and come up with a backup plan. I had to share the wealth of everything that I needed to do with my siblings and I had to be okay with that. But I also had to have a conversation with my mom to tell her that, which was really really hard, really hard. But I am so glad you listened today and, as always, remember that you are not alone in this caregiving journey. Bye for now and we'll see you next week.