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The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
The Art Of Self-Compassion: How to Nurture Yourself as a Caregiver
Using the analogy of a garden, we explore how integral nurturing our body, mind, and soul is to maintaining our strength and resilience as caregivers. Discover practical tips for self-care, from pausing to acknowledge feelings of overwhelm to tracking thoughts and behaviors to identify stress triggers. We'll also discuss setting small, realistic goals and celebrating every success, no matter how minor, to ensure we don't succumb to burnout.
Lastly, we delve into the importance of finding pockets of time for self-care and connecting with others for support and accountability. Hear the story of Sarah, who managed to incorporate enjoyable activities into her busy day, and learn how practicing gratitude can significantly enhance our mental health. Treat yourself with the same compassion you offer to others, and remember, nurturing yourself is fundamental to showing up with compassion and grace for both yourself and your loved ones.
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Hello, hello, hello, my caregiver friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. Well, I'm gonna do my best. Today I got the Omicron COVID virus from my husband and I thought he was doing really well until I started recording this podcast, and this is my third attempt at trying to go ahead and record it without having massive coughing fits, so I'm going to do my best. Yes, I have a cough drop in my mouth. I have water at the side of me, so you might hear some pauses in the action where I have to go ahead and soothe my throat again and stop coughing, but I'm going to do my best because this is such an important episode today. First, I want to go ahead and thank a text message that I got which I think is worth sharing because this person has lots of experience. They have some great advice when it comes to anger and the anger that's associated with resentment when it comes to caregiving, and it says Hi, kathy, thank you for another great episode.
Speaker 1:Anger and resentment is a tough one. I remember when my spouse was diagnosed 11 years ago and I went all in and did so much Over the years. I became resentful as I no longer worked and angry because I felt I lost myself and this person put who was I? Over the years, I've learned to take the time and answer my question, or I'm asking myself the question. Sorry about that. Who are you and what do you need or want to be better at? Sitting with myself, having a wonderful therapist was, and still is, a game changer. Sorry, long text, you never have to be sorry. Hope this helps everyone. Well, I wanted to review this and I'm sorry. I was kind of choppy with it, but I think that what I gleaned out of this and thank you, this was a great, great text is when we feel this way, we feel like we're the only one on earth that feels this way and I think I want this person here. Thank you said she lost herself and we do feel like that and that's a valid feeling, but what she learned is to ask yourself questions who are you and what do you need or want to be better at? And I think that's great. And by looking at her, reaching out to a therapist or finding resources or community is such a great game changer as well, so I appreciate it. Thank you for the text messages. Keep them coming. I will go ahead and read yours next. If you just go down and click on the link below, you can go ahead and submit your question and I may read it next week.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's move into this great episode today and I want to talk about as caregivers. We often pour our energy into caring for our loved ones. Excuse me, but it's crucial to remember the importance of self-compassion. When we take a moment to be kind to ourselves, we replenish our spirit and enhance our ability to care for others. Self-compassion allows us to show up with more energy, more joy and more resilience. It's not just about being kind to ourselves, but also giving ourselves the same kindness and understanding we offer to those we care for. This week, not just this episode I want you to think about self-compassion and focusing on it. Take a few minutes each day to acknowledge your efforts, focus on your mistakes. Treat yourself with love that you deserve. When you nurture your own well-being, you can better support and uplift those around you, and so I want you and you'll see that I have homework to talk about as well I personally struggle with this one myself, do you?
Speaker 1:I was reminded, like I said this week, when my husband was on the recovery from it. Within a day after that. I got it by Tuesday midday. I was just down and out. The worst was Tuesday, wednesday and a little bit of Thursday. I tend to lay in bed and sleep it off, but when I'm laying in bed I'm beating myself up for not getting up and vacuuming the floor. I have two fur babies that sprinkle all their beautiful hair all over the house and if I vacuum every day you can't tell. Or I was beating myself up for not promoting the podcast episode because it's published on Tuesday. But I go ahead and send emails and all of the channels that I send it to, and I didn't do that. I was on and on. I was beating myself up it too, and I didn't do that. I was on and on. I was beating myself up.
Speaker 1:Well, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, like I said, and care and understanding that you would for a good friend or your loved one. I laugh because I told Dennis you just rest. You just rest and do what you need to do to heal, and don't worry about the dishes in the sink. If you put some in there, don't worry about the grass getting a little long. You can do it when you're feeling better or we can have one of the boys come over. Don't worry about the dog doo-doo in the yard. Don't worry about because he came home and he didn't even put his stuff away. I'll take care of it, or it can sit, nobody's going to come over. Nobody is allowed to come over. We're fine. But when it comes to giving myself that advice, I struggle, and so let's break this down.
Speaker 1:Research shows that self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. Compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. That's scary, because the study by Dr Kristen Neff found that people who practice self-compassion have greater emotional resilience and stability, and there's another study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology that individuals who practice self-compassion experience greater life satisfaction, better emotional regulation and less stress. Okay, that's great, because you and I, as caregivers, are especially prone to burnout, and that self-compassion can be a tool to preventing it. And so we have to figure out what that tool looks like for us, because we're this snowball that's collecting more and more and more and more stress and anxiety as we roll down the hill, and so what I'm trying to get at is as caregivers. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, they have as high as 70% of caregivers experience symptoms of depression, with about a quarter of the half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria of major depression. And so if we don't start practicing self-compassion, it can affect our emotional health, it can affect our physical health, and so that's why caregivers have to build this muscle. We have to learn different skills and hacks to practice self-compassion.
Speaker 1:This reminds me of a client that I recently coached, and I'm going to call her Sarah to protect her identity. She's a full-time caregiver right now for her mom who's suffering from Alzheimer's, and the stages are getting pretty intense for her between managing her mom's medical appointments, daily care and household chores. She often feels exhausted and overwhelmed because I think caregiving I've never experienced the Alzheimer piece, but caregiving for an Alzheimer is more like probably taking care of a toddler. You can't leave them alone anymore or you have limited time, and so she's struggling with feelings of guilt for feeling that way or letting herself go. She's criticizing herself with her self-talk and she's telling things where she's not feeling like she's doing enough because she's seeing her mom struggling or she can't get to everything that she needs to get to because she's exhausted. And then, when she looks back at her life before taking care of mom. She was going to the gym every day, she was working full time, she was engaging with her family and friends, and then she also. This time of the year is really hard for her because she was a huge vegetable gardener and canner and she doesn't do that anymore and I think that was her escape and her joy and her hobby. Now she can barely get through a day.
Speaker 1:One evening after a particularly challenging day, sarah noticed how harshly she was speaking to herself. She realized she would never talk to a friend that way and decided it was time to make a change. I remember her telling me things about looking at herself in the mirror and telling herself that she wasn't worth it, that she looked horrible, that her life was over, that she wasn't doing enough. She had a rough day with her mom. As we talked through everything and she just unpacked it all, we identified that she was in burnout and she was in grief. She was grieving already. She lost her mom. The person she was taking care of was not her mom. Physically it was, but her emotional state was not. She was not prioritizing herself and, most importantly, she needed to go ahead and grant herself some grace and love herself. Give herself some self-compassion.
Speaker 1:I figured that self-compassion is like the foundation of a house. You have to spend a lot of time on that foundation of that house and that's why you have inspectors looking at it. You have to let that foundation dry. It's the support for the entire house that you're going to do. You can work on the house after that. But if you don't put a strong foundation in and you build this gorgeous house and have everything inside of it and all of a sudden your foundation cracks or it gives way, you lose everything. Same applies for self-compassion. It has to be your base, it has to be your foundation.
Speaker 1:There's three key functions of self-compassion from Dr Kristen Neff that she identifies, and the first one is the kindness, the self-kindness. Be gentle and understanding with yourself rather than harshly being critical to yourself and being kind to yourself. If I was talking to you and you started beating yourself up, I would be like that's not very nice to yourself. You wouldn't talk that way to me. You wouldn't talk that way to your friend. The second function is common humanity Recognizing that suffering and feelings of inadequacy are just being part of human being. Human. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to go ahead and feel sad. You're going to go ahead and feel guilty. You are human and it's part of humanity, and you're seeing your loved one suffer and not respond is part of what it's about. And then the third function is mindfulness maintaining a balanced awareness of one's thoughts, one's emotions and experiences, without suppressing or exaggerating them.
Speaker 1:First of all, let's debunk the myth. The myth that people feel or believe is related to treating yourself as a priority is selfish. It's not. Especially in caregiving, you have to be the priority and it's hard to go ahead and think it, do it and continue to make it a habit Because it feels, I don't know, slimy. It feels wrong, but it is your foundation. You have to have a good foundation and you have to take care of that foundation.
Speaker 1:Well, since I'm a gardener, I want to use the analogy of the gardener because one of the hardest mindful practices to build is your mind. And I want to use the analogy of gardeners because when you tend to your garden regularly, if you have a garden out there, whether it be a flower garden or a vegetable garden, you can't just throw out the seeds and it's done. You have to take care of it regularly. You have to water your plants, you have to pull out the weeds, you have to provide the right nutrients. As a result, then the garden flourishes, blooms beautifully and provides that peaceful sanctuary or vibrant flowers or healthy plants, and it should bring you joy when somebody visits their garden. Same with you when somebody visits, they should kind of feel that from you within reason, because caregiving is hard right now.
Speaker 1:Now, if you neglect that garden, imagine what it looks like If you stop watering it. What happens If you ignore the weeds? Or if you forget to provide nutrients? Or, as a matter of fact, I put too much fertilizer in my flowers and half of my flowers are dying, yeah, and so over time, the garden starts to wither, the flowers lose their color, the plants become weak and the weeds take over. Eventually, the garden becomes a shadow of its former self, struggling to survive and no longer able to bring the same joy and health and beauty. So you as a caregiver are like a garden.
Speaker 1:Taking care of yourself, nurturing your body, mind and soul is like tending to the garden. When you prioritize self-care, you ensure that you have the strength and the energy and the resilience to continue and provide care for your loved one. When I look at my flowers, they tell me what they need. If they're wilting, I check the soil to see if they have enough water. If they're wilting, maybe they have too much water. If there's weeds, the weeds are taking the nutrients out of the soil for the good flowers. So you bloom, thrive and radiate positively, makes it easier to support others, and so you want to think about yourself in that perspective.
Speaker 1:We could use the car analogy too. You need to fuel your car, you need to go ahead and have it service that kind of thing. So the first step to self-compassion is acknowledgement and validation and listening to what your mind and body and your spirit is telling you. This most likely will be when you are not nice to yourself or telling yourself that you are not enough. When you do this, think this or are beating yourself up, I want you to pause and hold your heart. Just pause and hold your heart. Don't say anything, don't think anything. I want you to stop and listen to what you are telling yourself internally, externally, how you're behaving, what you're, what you're. You know what you're believing. Whatever it would be For many of my clients, I ask them to journal it out.
Speaker 1:I ask them to start tracking it, like you're tracking your meal plan, or you're tracking your calories, or you're tracking your steps. I want you to track it, because I want you to track it and start seeing the thoughts, the behaviors, your mood. You might find a trend that you get. You know, when I went to the doctor with Dennis right before his CT scans, I would start noticing things shifting for me and I would start tracking it. This is really when the tears start flying for you or the deep realization happens. You'll start discovering why do I feel this way? When do I feel this way? Maybe you didn't get enough sleep. Maybe it's a stressful day, like for Sarah.
Speaker 1:If her mom has many, many emotional outrages and she's at her wit's end, she might start beating herself up and taking on that her mom's behaviors as a sign that she did something wrong when really she didn't. You might discover what's setting you off or what's causing you to do things. You might discover the house. You have to go ahead and get to that root cause. That's why tracking and writing it down. In fact, when I give my clients that assignment and we come back in a week and we start looking at that, I sometimes don't even have to go ahead and dig with them. They already know when and where and why and they're understanding themselves more. Then we get that understanding and we can start then practicing self-compassion or the things that are needed to help improve that situation.
Speaker 1:I encourage a slow process here. For most it feels uncomfortable and not right. But remember you need this practice. But remember you need this practice. You need to show up as your best self and so that self-compassion, those habits that we might think about, might feel uncomfortable. And so, with Sarah, we had talked about okay, when your mom is acting up, it's not you. What are you doing with that outlet? Are you going back to the doctors and nurses to say we really had some rough days? And this is how it's making me feel and being able to go ahead and understand that.
Speaker 1:Okay, here. Now let's go through some tips. These are just the basic tips on self-compassion. If you were meeting with me as a client, we would dig into your specifics and try to identify yours. But these, I think, are universal. That can help anybody and everybody that when they recognize that they're not being kind to themselves, they're not loving themselves enough, they're beating themselves up too much. These are some things. I love this one you need a self-compassion break.
Speaker 1:Just like I said, grab your heart, put your hand on your heart or your chest, take a moment to pause, or your chest Take a moment to pause, take a moment to breathe and remind yourself that it's okay to feel overwhelmed, it's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. Say to yourself things like this is a moment of suffering and suffering is part of this caregiver life. Maybe I may, I be kind to myself in this moment. It's okay to say this totally sucks and I am lonely, but you know what? And you can keep talking to yourself, and I specifically tell people to do this. It does help. I mean, it feels weird to talk out loud to yourself, but you need to go ahead and find that and do that, but you need to go ahead and find that and do that.
Speaker 1:Another habit, besides the break when you feel that way, is mindful journaling. Dedicate a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and your feelings without judgment. Nobody has to see this book. Nobody has to see this book. Nobody has to see your prompts. Use prompts like today I forgive myself for and list them all out. Or another one on a positive note I am proud of myself for blankety, blankety, blank. I am proud of myself for speaking up to the doctor and telling them that I was frustrated and we weren't making headway. I'm proud of myself for telling my loved one while you're watching, your price is right. I'm going to go ahead and sit down on the patio and have a cup of coffee. I need a break, whatever it would be. And have a cup of coffee. I need a break, whatever it would be. Another one that I've done in the past is what I've learned about the situation. Today was a tough day, but I learned so much and listed out. It may not be good. I learn that I clam up and don't say anything when I'm frustrated. I learn that my digestive system does flip-flops every time I enter the doctor's office, whatever it would be, because you're making yourself aware and now you're starting to see it, and then you can start working on little steps to do that. Okay, self-compassion, break mindfulness, journaling.
Speaker 1:The third one is an affirmations or mantra. Create a positive affirmation and repeat that daily. Find something that works, whether it be a statement, a song, a poem. Examples is I am doing my best, or if I can get 60% of my best in today, I win. I deserve love and kindness, whatever it would be. So that's another one. The other one would be self-care routine. Establish a self-care routine that involves like an activity or rejuvenate yourself.
Speaker 1:Find a slot, and this usually takes a little bit of time. Find pockets of time that you can go ahead and do something that you enjoy, and it doesn't have to be an hour. It can be five minutes in the morning, five minutes at lunch, five minutes at the end, whatever it would be. I remember identifying with Sarah to say where do you have time in your day for yourself? And she's like I don't and I'm like I bet we can find something, I bet we can find time. And we started working on those times. Now it's a flow. Sometimes she might not get it all the time, but she can find time throughout her day, even when her mom would have a physical therapist in. She can be there for the first five to 10 minutes and talk to her therapist and then be there at the last five to 10 minutes, but she can tell her therapist I'm going to take advantage of you being here and for 15 minutes I'm going to just be outside and I'm just going to go ahead and listen to some music and sit in the sun, and her therapist was fine with that. Instead of having to sit by her mom's side the whole time, she can be there at the beginning talking about the issues. She can talk about her responses after, and she gave herself some time, so whatever it would be.
Speaker 1:Another one is set realistic expectations. Oh my gosh this is I'm talking to Kathy through the mic and I'm hoping it bounces back at me. Understand that perfection is unattainable. We are never going to be perfect at this. Set small, achievable goals or expectations for yourself and celebrate your successes. If today, the extra thing that you have to do is the laundry and changing the sheets, and if you got it done today, celebrate it. Or today you're going to set a small goal to bake some cookies, even if you have to go buy the bacon or the cut and bake ones, you're making some cookies. Celebrate it, no matter how small, whatever it would be. Or you've got an opportunity to go ahead and soak your feet. I buy these little five-step pedicure packages that I do in my home now because it's so darn expensive, and sometimes I don't you know if, like especially when I was sick, I didn't leave the house. But I did, I bought the ones and I put my feet in my little basin and I actually do the Epsom salt and then I do the you know the lotion and all that kind of stuff, and it's like I did that for myself today. Yeah, set small expectations.
Speaker 1:Another one would be connect with supportive people. Find a support buddy, find an accountability buddy, find a friend that's going through the same situation and use each other as bouncing ideas. You want to surround yourself with people who uplift you and support you, but that understand you. Don't hesitate to reach out to another caregiver. As a matter of fact, if that's something you want, we can go ahead and send out a text message. You can send me an email, whatever it would be. We can find other caregivers where maybe you just do a call once a week and then you share each other's text or messenger and you go ahead and say, hey, I'm feeling really down today and I'm beating myself up, and that person is there just to listen. Or that person is there to say, hey, you have to talk to yourself like you're a friend and they're just your accountability person and, by the way, if you can find that, it's just a break where you can talk to somebody else. Or maybe you have the same in common that you both like to go ahead and do a hobby together and you just schedule a hobby night together, whether that be in person or over FaceTime or whatever. You do that and it just gets you away from the everyday and you get to talk to somebody else. Okay, I have two more left Practice gratitude.
Speaker 1:Write down three things, three to five things you are grateful for every day. It's going to train your brain and one of those things better be about yourself. That first one should be about yourself. You first one should be about yourself. Be kind to yourself. What is one thing that you are grateful about yourself? I am smart. I ask the right questions. I am proud that I am able to go ahead and take care of myself today. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for the walk that I gave myself today, whatever it would be. Focus on the positive that can shift your mindset and help you to be kind to yourself, and part of that practicing gratitude might be a prayer. If you're religious or spiritual, practicing gratitude and prayer can definitely help. Religious or spiritual, practicing gratitude and prayer can definitely help.
Speaker 1:I remember having my gratitude journal every single day in my grab and go bag when I was taking care of my mom, my spouse, the stem cell transplant. If I didn't get time in the morning to practice it, I would take it with me while I was in the waiting room, and sometimes it would involve my mom. What are we grateful for today, mom? Let's write it down in my journal together. The last one is the one that I've been talking about all the all time is treat yourself as a friend. When you catch yourself being critical, ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the situation. Offer yourself the same compassion and understanding. What comes to my mind. This is really crazy. I'm really thinking way back In the 90s there was always this smoking campaign for people to quit smoking, and I remember working in the office and I had 25-ish people that reported to me and it was November and it was National Quit Smoking Day and I had several people in my team that were trying to quit smoking.
Speaker 1:Well, they had these wristbands and they were like rubber bands and every time they felt the urge to smoke, they had to go ahead and snap it and wake themselves up to say, no, you don't want a cigarette, because this is what it's going to do to you. Instead, reach for your goodie bag, which was lotion or lip balm or a piece of gum or whatever it was. And so I want you to snap the band on your wrist to say, ah, ah, ah, don't be critical to yourself, don't beat yourself up. You might even go to the extreme of writing yourself a note when you are in a good space. Write yourself a love letter, tell yourself how wonderful you are, how a great person you are, what you're talented at and why you do what you do from a caregiving perspective and all of the good things, and saying I know I'm going to read this when I am not feeling this way, and I want to tell you that you are amazing, you are doing the best. You can Write yourself this note and then, anytime you feel this way, pull it out, read that note to yourself and it's going to shift your mindset. Or, better yet, you can record yourself a message. You can go onto your phone and just record yourself a message and save it to you. Or record yourself a video and save it and then watch that video when you're feeling down.
Speaker 1:What brings me to mind is when I was in, excuse me, when I was in my oh gosh. 40s raising my kids. I was going through all of these hormonal things and I was getting in my 30s too. But I would catch myself like week one I would be fine, week two I would be fine, and then that third to fourth week I would just be this evil mom with anger and outbursts and emotional. Well, it was my hormones. It was my hormones, and once I started tracking it, I knew that I was going to be hormonal every 21 days or whatever it would be. And that was my hormonal week. And so I needed to go ahead and be realistic of what my expectations are. I had to go ahead and take care of. I had to go ahead and have a lighter load. I needed to go ahead and think twice about what I said and I started recording my message to say good morning Monday morning, kathy. This is your hormonal week, which I know right now you are feeling like a big rage coming on and anything's going to set you off. And then I would record myself telling myself put your hand on your chest and your heart and going ahead and take deep breaths, find yourself your favorite beverage and treat yourself nice this week, you can't expect everything to go well and any little thing's going to set you off Well. That's the kind of thing that we need to hear from ourselves, and so I challenge you to do that.
Speaker 1:So, in a nutshell, let me go back through these again. The tips are self-compassion break. Number two is mindful journaling. Number three is thinking about affirmations and mantra. Number four is going ahead and doing your self-care routine or developing one that meets your needs. Number five is get realistic or set realistic expectations. Number six is to find support people. Number seven is practice journal gratitude. And number eight is treat yourself as a friend. And there's a lot of extra steps in between. Here Now, before I close today, let's do a text message question, and if you have an answer that you want me to read next week or you want to share those with you, I want to know what do you do when you need self-compassion, when you need self-love?
Speaker 1:What is your go-to habit or hack or tip? If you do one of these and you go a different way inside of it, say that. If you have a different these and you go a different way inside of it, say that. If you have a different one, let me know, yeah, what is it that you use and how is it helping you? So I would love to hear it. We'll read those next week and at the beginning of next week's episode.
Speaker 1:So to conclude, today I am cheering because I made it through without major coughs. That's a win for me. That's like yes. But to conclude, remember practicing self-compassion isn't just a luxury, it's a necessity. It's not selfish, it's selfless. You need to go ahead and do it.
Speaker 1:When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we strengthen our ability to care for others with joy and resilience. We show up better as a caregiver, as a better human being. Just as a garden needs regular care to thrive, you need the same. Take a moment each day to acknowledge your efforts, celebrate your wins, forgive yourself for your imperfections, whatever happened for the day, and embrace the love that you deserve. Let's commit to nurturing ourselves. This week, like I said, you're doing an incredible job. You deserve to show up with compassion and grace for yourself and for your loved one. I want to thank you for joining another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It has been a pleasure. I want you to go ahead and remember that you are the most important piece in this caregiving journey. So take care and until next time, be kind to yourself.