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The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering Caregivers with Boundary Setting
Dive deep into the significance of setting various types of boundaries—physical, time, energy, and abilities—to protect your well-being and provide the best care possible. We'll discuss practical strategies for establishing self-care boundaries, such as incorporating morning walks, ensuring adequate sleep, and taking personal breaks. Learn how to manage a caregiving schedule that allows for personal time and seek help from others to strike a balanced lifestyle. Listen to Angel from Florida's touching story, which underscores the challenges many face while caring for a loved one at home.
Lastly, we'll emphasize the power of assertive communication in maintaining these boundaries and shifting from self-imposed guilt to a collaborative approach with family members. Explore real-life examples of how hobbies, structured schedules, and assistive technology can enhance personal fulfillment and provide more freedom. By honoring these boundaries and listening to your body, mind, and heart, you can show up as your best self and deliver the care your loved ones deserve. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review—your well-being matters, and together, we can create sustainable caregiving routines.
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Well, welcome my friend, to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here behind the mic for episode number 226. Thank you again for listening. This topic is so big.
Speaker 1:I've covered this topic before but it is so worth revisiting. As a matter of fact, we talked about boundaries back on episode 197. It's called Navigating Boundaries from the Whys to the Hows in Caregiving Communication. I also recommended this book called Boundary Bras by Terry Cole and I highly recommend it if you are looking to go ahead and improve your skills when it comes to setting boundaries, understanding your boundaries. It says it's the essential guide to talk true, be seen and finally live free. I actually went and bought this a while ago and it is dog-eared and I pull it out on occasion when I notice that I need to go ahead and reset my boundaries. We also spend a considerable amount of time. If you've taken the Empowerful Caregiver School, you know we dive deep into healthy boundaries and what are boundaries and setting boundaries, and I even bring those up as one of our key topics when I do coaching. So in my opinion, it's one of the most important topics and skills needed to maintain your well-being as a caregiver.
Speaker 1:But before we get started, I want to again thank you for your messages and your responses and your feedback regarding the podcast. Any of the email communications. It means so much to me to know that you can relate to it. You give me ideas, you reinforce the topics, you ask questions. It means the world to me. One of the things that I got feedback on was my voice last week and I know it wasn't my best audio recording because I was still struggling with the COVID virus. But I'm happy to say Dennis and I are on the mend and hopefully this COVID virus is floating off into the air and into the atmosphere and it's not affecting anybody else. We did so good at quarantining and sanitizing the house and Lysol sprays and Clorox wipes, and last week I know I had to have a cough drop in my mouth and drink extra water and I'm almost like I'm afraid to say it because I don't want to jinx myself for this episode but I feel good and I haven't had to drink any extra water or suck on cough drops for a couple of days now. So I promise this audio is going to be a lot better. But again, I didn't want to give up on a week and so I did my best, and so I apologize if it wasn't to the best of the quality that you want.
Speaker 1:But let's jump into a text message that I got from Angel from Florida last week. I want to first of all thank you, angel, for taking the time. She had said good afternoon. I am currently caring for my aging mama in my home. I wouldn't want her anywhere near Lee, but here we are and I'm assuming Lee is where your house is, or a person's name. However, it certainly comes with its challenges.
Speaker 1:I found your podcast and I absolutely love it. All of your stories, advice, messages that you read and answer. You are such a kind and loving soul, full of wonderful wisdom, and thank you. It's almost embarrassing to read this because that's just who I am, angel, and I'm so grateful for you taking the time to share this and I'm really sending all of my thoughts and my love to you. And caregiving, because I know caregiving is tough, but then also taking care of your mom in your home, you don't get a break. It's 24 seven, so I'm sending you lots of warm vibes, so if you wanna send me a message, please don't hesitate to hit the link. I don't know who you are unless you sign with your name and I only get your last four numbers of your cell phone because we're protecting the privacy. I buy this text messaging through my podcasting site and so I don't even get the ability right now to respond back to your text messages, so I respond on them through my podcast. So, thank you, I would love to get a question, a story or your advice, so keep them coming and I'll go ahead and read those each and every week.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to jump into the topic of boundaries. I want you to think of boundaries as your values, your needs and your preferences put into action. You have both a right and a duty to set boundaries, especially healthy boundaries that express your values, your needs and your preferences, for the sake of your own well-being. You cannot take care of others without taking care of yourself, and that's just a point blank fact. When was the last time you considered your own needs?
Speaker 1:If you cannot remember the last time you slept properly, ate adequately, exercised weekly or did not feel guilty about taking a sick day, then you're probably feeling the impacts of caregiving on your mental health and your physical health. Ask yourself what could I do to replenish myself? Is there any small action that could improve my life or make me feel more content with my present state or the season that I'm in. If you're treating yourself fairly, the answer should be yes. Everyone always has some needs that could be better fulfilled, and caregivers are no exception. You are still a human. The emotional and physical demands on you add up. I shouldn't have spoken, because now I have a tickle in my throat and so it's like oh, please, don't come back. It is never selfish to preserve or recover your well-being. Caregivers can only give quality care when they are intimately familiar with your own needs and your limitations, and so you want to think about that. Hold on one minute. Okay, there we go.
Speaker 1:Setting and maintaining your healthy boundaries and building healthy boundaries is by far the most important measure for improving your well-being and laying this foundation for positive self-care habits. So setting healthy boundaries is a logical response when your needs are not met. You have excessive demands or unsustainable patterns. Neither distress nor guilt help your situation, and I want to say that if you're stressing out or feeling guilty, it's not helping your situation. So I want to say that if you're stressing out or feeling guilty, it's not helping your situation. So you need to unpack both and talk about or think about the boundaries, really thinking about them in kind of a step-by-step format.
Speaker 1:So when I coach a client, or if you would come to me, I want you to first think about and consider your limits and identify your limits as a human, your limits as a caregiver, your limits as your own personal self. Consider what you can tolerate and accept. And tolerate is such a simple word, but it's a word that you want to think about. What can you tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed? This can include everything from physical, emotional and mental limits. This comes down to being really honest with yourself, your situation and the overall picture. If you really want a good look at yourself. Sometimes asking a friend is the best possible way, or better yet.
Speaker 1:A lot of times I tell my clients or I tell other caregivers, I want you to track your week, track yourself for a week and everything. Track what you're doing, what you're saying, how you're feeling, when you've had mental meltdowns, when you've had enough, when you're feeling good. I want you to track it all and then, once you look at your limits and track them, then you want to listen and accept your emotions, accept your behaviors and your thoughts. You know when you are not yourself, what does that feel like? You know, when you feel stress, how do you think? How do you act? You know when you are not happy. You know that. I want you to think about it in one of two ways. I'll share two situations. Think about a car. When a car is not performing at its best, it may sputter, it may have a hard start, it may start making noise. You know that it needs a tune-up, just like you when you know your car, you know something's not working or the light on the dash will come on, and are you going to ignore it? Are you going to go ahead and get it serviced?
Speaker 1:Another thought that came to my mind let's say you had your favorite pair of jeans or your favorite shirt and now it's getting a hole in it, and I had this happen last week. I had a favorite pair of shorts and they're from Eddie Bauer and I love these pair of shorts and I've had them for years and now I have a hole in them, but it's in a hidden spot so nobody sees them. But now I also have problems with the zipper, and the zipper will continue to fall down. I came back from my dog's training and at least I was wearing a shirt that was over the top of my zipper. I got into the car and I'm like, oh my gosh, my zipper was open the whole time. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to have to say goodbye to these shorts sooner or later. I know they're my favorite, but I'm going to have to find a new favorite. I cannot keep wearing these because eventually they're not going to be wearable. I'm going to get more holes in them. I've had them way too long. Same with you.
Speaker 1:It's time to set boundaries according to the seasons of your life, according to the seasons of your life caregiving and what your body and mind needs. And so, when you're done tracking, I want you to start asking yourself what will help you feel better in your daily life right now. You might have to make a list of it. What might make you feel better? Make a list of your healthy habits or a doable schedule, not this hectic schedule or tangible goals to work towards. What looks better right now for you, what feels better right now for you, in order to move to a path of a healthier, sustainable caregiver life? You'll want to set boundaries to maintain your stress, your health and your overall well-being. And really it means that you need to be honest with yourself, with your loved one and your family. Realistically, what can a person, a caregiving person, handle? What can they do? What can they do? Because if you're starting to feel unwell, if your mental health is starting to suffer, then you need to start looking at where am I missing something?
Speaker 1:I remember how hard it was to do this with my mom's care, since I was doing it all wrong. From the beginning. I was saying yes to everything, I was figuring out how I was going to pack everything together and do it all, and I kept telling my mom I got this, I'll figure this out, we're good. And really I wasn't being honest with myself or my mom. When I started tracking my week in the day of the life of Kathy caregiving work and everything else I couldn't even believe that I was still standing and doing everything. I journaled about it on that final day, because I tracked for seven full days, because I wanted to make sure I tracked the week where I was working my full-time job, but then also the weekend, because that was my time for catching up. And the final day that I tracked I think it was at the top of the journal before I started tracking the final day I put on there holy cow, this girl's from Wisconsin, so we have a lot of dairy cows, holy cow.
Speaker 1:I'm working four jobs, four full-time jobs. I was working my full-time job in the corporate America. I was a training and organizational development manager for our Fortune 100 company. So I was that, I was working my business. At the time I was working my business either with the Caregiver Cup podcast, but before, four years, prior to that, I was working a box business, a subscription box business where people would get office supplies and stuff like that. So I was always working a business and a full-time job. I was caregiving for either my dad or my mom. So at that time I was caregiving for my mom. And then Dennis. I was still caregiving for Dennis, but his was a little bit easier, but I was also doing a lot more in the house management kind of things. So if I looked at it, it was four full-time jobs and when I actually was doing some research.
Speaker 1:I want to share a couple of stats. One the stats. Both of these stats were from Healthline, from July of 2023. I even think they're old already, but it says household activities alone. Take caregivers an average of 85 hours a month. Think about what you do in either your home or in your caregiver's home, or if that's the same. You're doing laundry, you're doing dishes, you're doing vacuuming and dusting and changing the sheets and all of that kind of stuff. So 85 hours a month. I don't mean to stress you out, but that's a lot of work. And then another stat it says in helping your loved one with their self-care, their mobility can take an average and this is more for elderly parents an average of 253 hours each month. Thinking about what you do for your loved ones bathing, cooking, their cleaning, their helping with their mobility, taking them to appointments and so on. They say these 253 hours each month is equivalent of two full-time jobs.
Speaker 1:So maintaining your own health and making time for yourself can be difficult when you are a family caregiver. It's nothing you don't know already, but it's crucial for you to think about avoiding burnout. When your needs are met, you can be at your best for your loved one and the ones you love. And meeting your needs requires setting clear, healthy personal boundaries with the people in your life, which might mean saying no sometimes or asking for help sometimes, now that you know you are in need of setting more boundaries, I want you to think about why you need them and what they can do for you.
Speaker 1:This is hard, since there are so many choices when it comes to what boundaries do I set? How do I set them? It's like going to a restaurant, and this is one of Kathy's struggles when she goes to a restaurant that has a menu that looks like a book. It's hard to figure out what you want to eat, and I think it's mostly a lot of the chain restaurants, and I don't go to restaurants very often. So I'm trying to think about like what is that Red Robin has? Like this major? Like it's like a book and it's like this. You get pages and pages and pages and you don't know what to look at and you're starving. So you might pick like three or four things off of there and you don't even need it. Versus when they just have a one page menu, it's so much easier, it's so less pressure as well. So I don't know, that's just me, I don't know. Tell me if you hate it or you love it.
Speaker 1:I would love to hear when I coach clients or if you enroll in the Empowerful Caregiver School, we break down. There are four types of boundaries that you want to consider categorizing, or four different areas of focus, and identifying and setting the four types of boundaries is important. So it's your physical boundaries, your time boundaries, your energy boundaries and your own abilities to go ahead and handle it. And these are crucial because, for you as a caregiver, they can help you your well-being while allowing you to provide the best possible care for your loved ones. So let's talk about these and this is going to kind of give you ideas. I am to be honest with you. I'm not so worried about what category they fall into, but I just want you to listen to the category so then you can think about where you may be falling short on boundaries or where you need boundaries. So physical boundaries these help you define how you want to be treated and what your personal space needs are. For example, if you need to avoid overnight stays at someone's house to maintain your routine, then setting this boundary ensures that you can maintain your comfort and manage your caregiving responsibilities effectively.
Speaker 1:Now, this one's not really. It could be related to caregiving, but not necessarily. Maybe when you go visiting somebody, you prefer to get a hotel versus staying in their home, because you need that personal space and that personal time. And you have this routine where you have this bedtime routine or this wake-up routine and if you don't stay on it you're off, and you know that about yourself. Kudos to you. What are some personal I mean, what are some physical boundaries that you need to set for yourself? You know, maybe it's sleep. Maybe you know, if you don't get X amount of sleep, then you are not going to be yourself. Or maybe your condition requires you to eat breakfast because you're a diabetic and you cannot let your blood pressure get, and so this is a boundary that you are has to stick hard on, ok.
Speaker 1:The second one is time boundaries. Carving out time for yourself is essential for your physical and mental space and health. By setting aside time for rest and sleep and exercise and social activities, you prevent burnout and maintain this balanced life, and so this helps you stay energized and present in your caregiver role. Well, think about it. If you are missing something, let's say you haven't. You used to always like weekly, meet up with your girlfriend for a walk every once a week, or coffee once a week, or whatever, and you haven't done that, and now you're feeling lonely or you're feeling sad and depressed. I want you to add that in once and see if that makes a difference now. So you want to think about where is it sleep? Is it rest? Is it exercise? Is it social activities? What time? What caregiving, boundary time, and not even caregiving what health times boost your energy and energizes you. So thinking about that.
Speaker 1:The third one is your energy boundaries, and this kind of crosses over. But recognizing your limits, recognizing how much time and energy you can devote to caregiving to help you prevent exhaustion oh, I know you all know when you are feeling burnt out or exhausted or tired. By being clear about when you can manage or what you can manage, you avoid overcommitting and ensuring that you have enough time to meet both your needs and those of your loved ones. You know, it just is. I feel this way, and what comes to my mind first of all is when I have holidays and my friends are over for the holidays or I have company over for the holidays, I know if I overcommitted too much, I'm feeling exhausted or whatever, and so I'm very cautious about making sure that I find time for my family to come home for the holidays my boys and my kids and their significant others and all of that. But I'm also very clear on what can I do?
Speaker 1:Word overextend my energy, like thinking about meals and not going all out on a sit-down meal was a thing that I decided on right away. Thinking about catering and things especially being a caregiver. Would that be easier? So you want to think about what I can't think of the word? Help me think of the word what extends your energy or what pulls you to the end of your energy? And number four is ability boundaries. I'm laughing because I have the word on the tip of my tongue, but you think I could think about it? No, the next one is abilities boundaries. It's important to acknowledge and communicate your limits and when it comes to the tasks you can handle and which ones you can't handle, I am the first to say I am not good at the nursing aspect of caregiving.
Speaker 1:If somebody asks me to go ahead and give them. Like Dennis had chest embolism, he had a blood clot in his lungs and so he had to give himself shots for 30 days and he knew that that's beyond what I could do. I got the training on it in case he became sick and I needed to do it, but he knows that I am not good at the nursing piece. First of all, if you haven't heard my story, I passed out in the vet's office when I was in my 20s and because I was standing up holding the my dog at the time and I got nauseous and dizzy. The next thing I knew I was tied up holding my dog at the time and I got nauseous and dizzy. The next thing I knew I was tied up in, the dog was tied to a chair and I was sitting in the vet's office his personal office with the nurses fanning my face saying, kathy, are you okay? Are you okay? And so that is beyond.
Speaker 1:So saying no to the request that exceeds your capabilities helps prevent frustration and ensures that you're providing care in the areas where you are effective and comfortable an invite company over right now, or help with the annual gala that you volunteered at. Maybe you're going to have to take a lesser of a role or be an advisor at this time. So you want to think about what your abilities are and the abilities to say no or the abilities to ask for help. So, overall, setting these boundaries in these categories helps you maintain a healthier balance, prevents burnout or enhances your ability to care for your loved ones with compassion and effectiveness, or the flip side. If you are feeling this way, ask yourself where have I overextended my boundaries and they're no longer healthy. Ask yourself that. Process that, so that you can learn from it and do it the next time. So when you identify the type of boundary you want to work on, you can then start exploring which boundary goal you want to work on. So let me go through just a few of these, and I pulled one, thinking this might be physical, it could be energy as well. So that's what the funny thing of they could fall into multiple categories.
Speaker 1:You know that you're the type of person that has to eat three meals a day and if you don't, you feel lightheaded, you feel fatigued, you may have this health condition, or you just are the person that needs three meals a day to perform at your best. And let's say you said to yourself and you journaled. You said I need 20 minutes three times a day to cook and eat, and you want to do it in silence. You want to do it without distraction. I love to chat with my loved one, but I can't give them my all without some quiet mealtime. Well, I wanted to do this because eating three times a day is realistic, but maybe in silence, maybe a little bit stretching it, but that's what you're aiming for. Now we know that this might not always work, so what can be a customized approach for you? Maybe you have to think about if I need to do this. Maybe my morning one I need to eat earlier while my loved one is still sleeping. Or maybe while I'm doing something prepping. Maybe I prep my salad while I'm working on the breakfast for my loved one and getting their loved one ready, or I eat lunch when my loved one is napping, whatever it would be. So you want to think about how can I customize this so I get my three meals in a day. I actually adopted my protein shake in the morning right away, because for a while there I was traveling to and from in my first caregiving stint to and from with my dad up in northern Wisconsin, and so I found myself not eating healthy, and so I drank my shake when I drove, and so I got my meal choice that way.
Speaker 1:Okay, the next one kind of falls into the time piece there it says I have on my notes get racing thoughts out in a journal before bed to improve my sleep. That's my ultimate goal, because I need my sleep and I put on my notes can we get all of your nighttime needs met by 9 pm? You know, I get a lot of caregivers that come to me that say I lay in bed at night and then I can't fall asleep because my mind is racing of what things I need to do the next day or I'm worrying, or the emotions. So my thought is can you adapt a nighttime routine? I remember way back when Lisa was in the caregiver circle, when I first started this business, I started just a group coaching program, and now this group coaching program is for the Empowerful Caregiver school members after they're through it. So we meet for so we would meet and Lisa would say, yeah, I don't have time anymore at night and I love my nighttime routine and I find myself not getting enough sleep. And so what she incorporated was she said nine o'clock is the hard stop time where she goes into her bedroom whether everything's done or not and she unwinds. That's her nine o'clock unwind time and she goes ahead and she takes her shower, she does some journaling, she does her reading and lights a candle and she winds down before she falls asleep at 10 o'clock, and she said that made the world of a difference again. So I want you to think about it. Where could there be time where you could set a healthy boundary? If your loved one goes to bed early at night, that's possibility. If your loved one wants to stay up late at night, maybe you have to go ahead and have that conversation that. You know you can stay up later, but I'm going to need to go to bed at nine o'clock from now on to maintain my health.
Speaker 1:Okay, here's another one, and I think this one kind of falls into multiple categories. You know that morning walks are your jam. That's what you need to start your day. You love walking with the sunshine. You get positive thoughts, you get your movement in and it kickstarts your day. You get positive thoughts, you get your movement in and it kickstarts your day. But lately you have not been able to do that because of being exhausted, because your loved one gets up right away and you're right away jumping into morning caregiving mode. Well, if that's what you want to set as a healthy boundary, you're going to need to figure out how to work through that.
Speaker 1:Can you walk before your loved one's breakfast and tell them I need 30 minutes to go for my morning walk. I'll get your glass of juice and your medication sitting there, or I made your breakfast ahead of time, so here's your muffin, or whatever it would be. Whatever you can do, do you have to get up earlier to go ahead and get that walk in, or can somebody else support you while you get your morning walk in? Okay, what can you do? Another thought too is maybe we just talked about sleeping eight hours, but I had a client say to me I'm a night owl and I can get so much done at night to set myself up for success for the next day. I can catch up with the laundry, I can do the meal prepping, I can work a deadline at work for my job, but the problem is I don't get my allotted time. This client needs about nine hours of sleep and she feels wonderful. But if she stays up until midnight, one o'clock, and her loved one gets up at six o'clock in the morning, bam, she finds herself tired, stressed, grumpy. And I said to her you have a choice, you have a decision. You have to go ahead and determine if your healthy boundary is your sleep schedule. Well, your sleep schedule may have to change during the season of caregiving. It doesn't mean that you'll never, ever be a night owl again, but are you willing to adjust your sleep schedule? How can you release the pressures of work without working until midnight? Can you go ahead and have an extra time in the afternoon where somebody is caregiving for your loved one and you get dedicated time? How can you improve your efficiency? Can you ask for help with the laundry? Can you find more efficient ways to care give? Can you find more efficient ways to work? What can you do so that you get your sleep? And I know this client had to go ahead and start slowly giving back their night owl time and by decreasing it to 11 and then decreasing it to 10, they were able to go ahead and work through it, okay.
Speaker 1:Another one is thinking about how you need a break. I hear so many of us say I just need a break, I need time to recharge. I'm edgy, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted. When's the last day you took time away for you? What would it look like for you? What would it look like for you? You know, I think about a client, jan. She said that she was caregiving for her husband 24-7, and she needed a break. And her friend said you need to get away. And she had beautiful grandkids that were an airplane flight away. And what she eventually did? It took her a month or so, but what she did is she found help in a rotation schedule of people to help take care of her husband and she went and visited her daughter and her grandkids for a long weekend. You know what? She came back so recharged, so focused, so joyful that it was just great. Her husband couldn't go and I know her husband was feeling guilty that she needed to see her grandkiddos. And so what can you do? Maybe it's once a week, once one day. Every other week, for me it's bowling. It's bowling on Wednesday nights and I can't wait for my bowling league to start. It's an hour and a half once a week that it just takes me away from everything and I giggle and I laugh, I talk to people and I get recharged. And so what can you do? So these are just a few.
Speaker 1:Slowly but surely, your goals and boundaries will help construct a more sustainable lifestyle, free of guilt. You will. So, once you define your need, it's important to set boundaries. You need to set boundaries to maintain your well-being. Think about adequate rest, enough sleep, exercise, nourishing food, hydration, social support, your own personal care. You know, whether it be mindset work, therapy work, whatever it would be, if you don't meet these for yourself, your health can be negatively impacted and after a while, you will not be able to provide the level of care that your loved one needs and the lifestyle that you deserve. Because when you look back on this, you want to be proud of who you are and what you taught yourself.
Speaker 1:It may help to set aside blocks of time in your caregiver's schedule for you. Once you clearly define the blocks of time you need for yourself, tell the person you're caring for, tell other family members, tell the person you're caring for, tell other family members, talk to your doctor and other people in your life that you won't be available during certain times. That's your me time. You'll also need to insist on maintaining your boundaries when something or someone challenges you. I can't tell you how many times. You know my mom would not understand that I need because after a while, I took my Saturday mornings for myself because we had Sunday Funday and I'm like Mom I need my Saturday mornings to go ahead and do as my self-care time and any extra work that I needed to get done, and so you're going to have to be kind, but you're also going to have to use assertive language and stick to your limits and feel good about it. Try using I statements like I need some personal time and I won't be taking you to your appointment tomorrow, but so-and-so will be there to help you, and this is what we'll do to ensure that. My brother helped with a lot of appointments because I had to balance my work my job as well. Now I know what will happen. I know it because I felt it the same way.
Speaker 1:When you start saying I statements and sticking to your guns and asking for help, that guilt comes in. But you have to go ahead and learn to let go of the guilt when your loved one needs help. Leaving them will be very hard and even if you need to take a break, you have to be kind to yourself. It's understandable if you have these complicated feelings of guilt and helplessness and resentment and grief and worry. We all feel this way. It brings us back to if you were raising toddlers or if you were raising an infant. You still need to get away, no matter how much you do for your loved one, it can be hard to let go of those feelings that you could be doing more and taking care of your own needs, like going out for coffee with a friend can feel selfish, but instead of feeling selfish, think about it as filling your tank, filling your joy, the needs that you need. There's an article from Family Caregiver Alliance that recommends coping with guilt by reframing the situation.
Speaker 1:The truth is that no one can be perfect all the time, including you. You can't be there every single moment of the day or be in a good mood for your loved ones all the time. Instead of telling yourself you should be doing something, try telling yourself you regret it, isn't possible. Yeah, you regret it, like I regret that I can't take her to every appointment. Instead, I should be taking her to every appointment. Ah no. Instead by saying you know what I embrace the help that I'm getting and we're partnering together. My brother took my mom to her ear appointments and her audio appointments. I took my mom to her physicals and her oncology appointments, and so he felt good that he was being involved and we weren't scatterbrained all over the place with different things, so we were doing that Other thoughts on setting boundaries.
Speaker 1:I want you to think about taking up a hobby, because that helps your mindset. A hobby, whether old or new, can bring you a sense of personal fulfillment outside of being a caregiver, outside of that four-level job that you're doing. No matter what the activity, it can be a rewarding challenge. And when it comes to boundaries, a hobby that happens at a set time, like a weekly pottery class or my weekly choir appointment or my weekly bowling, can help motivate you to set aside a designated block of time just for you and, as a matter of fact, my mom, my husband. They would say, okay, tell me about your bowling today and you could share your bowling with them, or you could share something that you did.
Speaker 1:Another thought is set a schedule, including a break schedule. Setting your hours and a break on a calendar for all to see helps set everyone's expectations about when you will and won't be available. My mom knew that I needed to walk. My husband knows that I need to take breaks. Having your breaks in writing will help you stick to your plan and then also encouraging your loved ones' independence. This is going to encourage them to do something outside of just with you and it opens up doors to other opportunities. I remember my mom's niece coming over to do crafts or her neighbors coming over to visit. But your loved ones may be still capable of doing many things independently and they'll start doing those with dignity, control and enjoyment. Otherwise, if you continue to do more and more, they just let it happen.
Speaker 1:Before you jump into assist, ask yourself do they really need me for this piece? Give them space to do things independently and observe them while they're doing this. Having them perform some everyday tasks can give you more freedom to take time for yourself. Think about things like assistive technology that may help them be more independent, like a shower seat and grab bars or a toilet razor or a jar opener or a reaching tool, instead of them constantly calling for you to get something. Think about things that they can do. A lift chair, like my dad had a lazy boy lift chair and that helped him so much better because he hated the fact that he just felt like he lost his pride when we had to help him up all the time. Pill organizers or for my mom, she had this pill pocket thing where she punched out her pills every day. It almost looked like a contraceptive circle device and would do that. Or setting alarm on their phone to remind them that they need to do that. Canes and walkers for them, voice to text features on their mobile phone or a tablet so that they could go ahead and text you or call you or stay in touch with you. An intercom system or some sort of way so that they could connect with you. I know like a nanny cam is really. Some people are totally against it and some people love it. For you, maybe it is a nanny cam when you're going out for your walk and your loved one, you can keep an eye on your loved one. Or a nanny cam in their bedroom so that in the middle of the night you get an alert when there's motion going on. Or a doorbell, the doorbell camera, so that you can see when a delivery comes, whatever it would be.
Speaker 1:I want you to also think about planning for your absence or your times that you're away. What kinds of unpredictable events might happen? How could they be managed when you're not there? It can be easy to fall into a routine of canceling your plans or saying that you can't, you can't, you can't. Think ahead about what you could do and plan ahead Plan to order groceries or have pharmacy items delivered when you don't have time for that. That might be a boundary that you set. From now on, going forward, you can download an ordering app and have it ready to go when you need it. And boom, you click a switch and you ordered the groceries. You could pick them up when you need to Connect with ride services to help your loved one get to their appointments.
Speaker 1:If you can't get there and maybe a lot of times I would go ahead and conference in on those appointments with my mom's doctor if I couldn't be there in person have one or two meal options on hand for your loved one when you aren't available to cook. You might stock their freezer with prepared meals or order their favorite takeout or ask another loved one to help cook a meal. A lot of times, what I would do, too, is I would tell the grandkids hey, I can't be there next week Thursday night. Does anybody want to go have lunch or supper with grandma? Or if Dennis was, we knew he had a chemotherapy and then I had to go back to work. I had some meal set aside for him. And I had to go back to work. I had some meal set aside for him.
Speaker 1:Another thought is connect with one or two other people who can fill in for you as needed. They could be family members or a caregiver service. They could be a neighbor. My mom's neighbor took my mom to her hair appointments because they had their hair appointments. We found out at the same time and you just have to go ahead and work through all the details. You might have to train your family members or give somebody some advice ahead of time if they need to go ahead and do something.
Speaker 1:You want to set up a personal emergency response service so your loved one can call for help in the event of an emergency, depending on their situation. Maybe it's a lifeline, maybe it's somebody else checking on them. Whatever it would be, think about what happens. Having backup plans just makes you feel better about your setting of your boundaries. It reminds me of when you went out when your kids were little and you had a sitter in the home. Didn't you provide a list of numbers? Didn't you check in? Didn't you have meals prepared? Did you have things done? So I wanted to also talk about there are organizations out there called Caregiver Action Network, family Caregiver Alliance. That provides lots of resources for people who need services. They have videos, they have different things that potentially can support, and don't lose sight about the fact that we have communities like this one.
Speaker 1:If you're feeling like I want to set a healthy boundary but I'm worried about it, let's connect. Let's connect and see I'm here for you if you need help. And there's just a couple last things here. I know I'm going really long. My voice must be feeling better. You want to think about connecting with all of your family members. You are not alone. You are the manager of this caregiving journey for your loved one. Talking with someone in the same boat can help you with getting your relief that you need, and by talking to others, they can go ahead and share how they're managing their caregiver life as well, where they're looking for support. Remember you also have your doctors that can help. You have social workers in your state and in your communities that can help.
Speaker 1:And then what you need to do is start accepting help. When a trusted friend or family member offers to help, take them up on it and, ideally, give them a specific job to do. When someone offers to take over for you, give yourself the best chance possible. They might say what do you need help with. You might say well, I have lots of categories. I have lots of categories cook a meal, pick up groceries, go to the pharmacy, doing the laundry, you know whatever. My sister was good at the nursing piece, so I would have to talk to her many times about okay, I'm having a hard time with this with Dennis, what would you suggest? You may need to share details like a schedule, how to give medication, how to help with personal care, but you know what. This is your backup plan, then Food routines, preferences, sensitivities you might have to do locations of supplies around the home, what your loved one likes and doesn't like. Having someone who can fully take over your caregiving role when you're away can give you confidence to take time for yourself.
Speaker 1:Because what do you want to do? You want to provide quality care and have quality time with your loved one, and if you don't and you're doing it 24-7, all the time how can that be quality for you and how could that be quality for you and how could that be enjoyable? So maintaining boundaries is a must. The care you give to yourself is the care you give to your loved one. It's true, you're mirroring your care. Eventually, caregivers deserve to exercise, sleep right, have hobbies and enjoy their life. Sleep right, have hobbies and enjoy their life. The time to reach out to their community, family, friends and supportive peers is now.
Speaker 1:Boundaries can support the needs of caregivers, the needs of you like a caregiver that you deserve. Boundaries are meant to protect you and the person you care for. They're meant to preserve your caregiving relationship and to create a more functional partnership. You are the CEO. By showing the courage to value your own needs, you enhance the quality of care for your loved one.
Speaker 1:All caregivers experience the emotional stress we experience frustration and angry. So no feeling you have is invalid. One way to honor these valid feelings is to set boundaries. Listen to what your body and your mind and your heart and listen to what they're saying. It's not productive for you to deny these. Let me end with a quote here from Kristen Morgan. I love this quote. It says setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me too. And when you care about yourself too, it's going to show up in your overall energy, in your relationships, in your joy, in your attitudes, especially when things are hard. So thank you for listening today and for enjoying another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. If you liked what you heard today, please don't hesitate to go ahead and subscribe. Give me a review, send me a text, and remember you deserve your wellbeing and you deserve to show up as your best self. Take care, my friend, and we'll talk to you again next episode.