The Caregiver Cup Podcast

The Transformative Power of Solitude: Rejuvenating Your Caregiving Journey Through Intentional Alone Time

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 229

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Can solitude be the key to transforming your caregiving experience? In this heartfelt episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast, we explore the profound impact of intentional alone time on preventing burnout and enhancing your caregiving abilities. Hear Cathie's inspiring story of how regular three-day breaks have rejuvenated her spirit, and gain insights from luminaries like Oprah Winfrey and JK Rowling on the crucial difference between solitude and loneliness. Discover how nurturing your soul through solitude isn't just a luxury but a vital necessity for your well-being and effectiveness as a caregiver.

We challenge you to envision your own three-day retreat, drawing inspiration from Shonda Rhimes' commitment to self-care amidst a hectic schedule. Reflect on your personal barriers, set a sacred date for solitude, and learn practical tips for planning and communicating this crucial commitment. By prioritizing your well-being, you can support your loved ones more effectively. Join us as we unpack why self-care is essential and how even small steps towards solitude can lead to significant positive changes in your energy, clarity, and peace. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup—rejuvenate yourself to better care for others.

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Speaker 1:

Well, welcome back to the Caregiver Cup podcast, my friend. This is Kathy here Today. I want to start by giving a huge shout out to one of our incredible listeners. Her name is Kathy. Yes, she has the same name as me, so when I talk about her today, it's I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about Kathy. She's someone who's not just surviving in her caregiver role, but truly working on being a better caregiver self, and that's what we're all about here looking at ways to put ourself first.

Speaker 1:

Kathy, I can't thank you enough for hitting that reply button to the weekly emails, for sending those heartfelt text messages after the episode which you can find in the show notes, and for sharing your journey with me with such honesty. You've opened up about your struggles, your challenges and, most importantly, what I'm going to be sharing today is the practices that help you stay grounded. Your commitment to improving your caregiver life is nothing short of inspiring, and I've replied back to you on those emails. One of Kathy's recent messages really struck a chord with me and sparked the inspiration for today's episode. She replied to my August 23rd Friday email. First of all, if you're not on my email list, definitely go to the show notes and hit that link so you can go ahead and take advantage of my weekly emails and she in that. In that email, I really just went ahead and talked about resetting and recharging and gave you two tips, as well as sharing the podcast episode that we had and I always share, like some statements from other podcasts or some of my experiences and she shared something so powerful in her reply that I knew we had to dive deeper into this topic. She wrote this was her reply love Mel Robbins, which I talked about in the email, and she said yes, I listened to the episode too.

Speaker 1:

One thing I add for taking a break is once every few months I take a three-day break at an Airbnb by the ocean or visit a friend. It's just to rest and reset my spirit. My daughter checks in on her dad and is supportive. Just a thought and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is such a great topic to talk about Now. Before we start, before you start thinking I could never do that, or talk yourself out of it with a list of excuses, I want you to pause. Imagine how Kathy feels when she returns to caregiving after those three days. Imagine how much more present, patient and powerful she is for her loved one because she gave herself the gift of solitude. I've coached many caregiver clients on the same topic how to navigate their thoughts and emotions that come up with stepping away for self-care and let me tell you, I've struggled with this too. I used to wear this unhealthy badge of honor, thinking that pushing through without breaks made me a better caregiver. But deep down, I was withering away like a flower needing to be desperately watered.

Speaker 1:

Today, we're going to talk about solitude and why it's not just a luxury but a necessity for caregivers like you and I. If you've ever felt like you're running on empty or losing yourself in the daily grind, this episode is for you. So, my friend, grab yourself a cup of coffee, find a quiet spot and let's dive into the power of solitude. Now let's talk about solitude and why it's such a game changer first, especially for us as caregivers. You know, even Oprah Winfrey, who seems like she has it all together, swears by solitude. Oprah often talks about the power of taking time for herself, whether she's meditating, journaling or simply soaking up the quiet of nature. She believes that these moments alone are crucial for self-discovery and keeps her life in balance. And if Oprah can make time for solitude with everything on her plate. So can we For caregivers.

Speaker 1:

Solitude isn't just a luxury. Like I said, it's a powerful restorative practice that we desperately need, and so I want you to think about it as something that you can put in your toolkit and something that you should be practicing. It's about stepping away from the constant demands and finding a moment to reconnect with ourselves. Imagine what it feels like to truly breathe, to think clearly and to just be. In these moments we can recharge and regain our strength and clarity that caregiving often drains us of. Think about it. What if you could wake up and just do nothing? Yeah, we need to find that time Now.

Speaker 1:

It's important to understand the difference between solitude and loneliness. Just do nothing. Yeah, we need to find that time Now. It's important to understand the difference between solitude and loneliness, because really, the purpose of solitude is really being by yourself or having quiet time. Solitude is something we choose. Did you hear me? We choose solitude, a deliberate act to nurture our souls. It's the peaceful, fulfilling time we spend alone that leaves us feeling renewed. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the heavy, unwanted feelings of being disconnected and unsupported. Where solitude lifts us up, loneliness weighs us down. So when we make time for solitude, we're actually preventing loneliness by ensuring our alone time is intentional and healing, not something we fall into default because we're overwhelmed or isolated. We choose solitude.

Speaker 1:

And here's another public figure. I talked about Oprah. I want to talk about JK Rowling, who is the brilliant mind behind Harry Potter. She often talks about how essential alone time is for her creativity and focus. When she writes, she immerses herself in solitude, free from distractions, so she can truly dive deep into her work. It's the kind of focused solitude that allowed her to create an entire magical universe that millions of people around the world love. Yeah, I mean, you think about it. You know she has to find that. Now think of what solitude could do for you, especially with all the stress that you're carrying. What if you took an entire day to yourself, or even three days, like Kathy does every few months? What would that look like? Maybe you'd sleep for 12 hours and letting your body finally heal. Or maybe binge watch Netflix guilt-free. But here's the thing Solitude is more than just a break. It's about finding your peace, creating a structure, time away where your body, mind and soul can truly rest. Way, where your body, mind and soul can truly rest.

Speaker 1:

I'll be honest with you when I took two days off back in 2019, this was really after that initial shock in 2018 when my husband and my dad were diagnosed with cancer two days apart, and then going through the entire chemotherapy treatments with both of them and then my dad passing away in 2018, and then getting my mom transition and working through all of the estate In early 2019, I decided I'm going to take some time away. It wasn't easy at first. I struggled to sit still, to relax, because I was so used to a full schedule that was chaotic and I had to do all of this stuff for caregiving and work and all of the other things. When I took time away, I felt guilty for being away, knowing that I had a to-do list a mile long and wondering if my mom and Dennis were okay. But I knew I had to release the guilt and the worry if I was going to make the most of this time. So on day two I started to really enjoy myself.

Speaker 1:

Day one was really trying to fight those demons in my head, but day two was really enjoying myself Sleeping in, brewing my favorite hot black coffee, sitting in the sun and taking a peaceful afternoon walk. I just went to just a hotel and just got to be time away. Went to just a hotel and just got to be time away. And that is why I love Kathy's idea of a three-day break. I love her idea on the ocean or in a cabin or something like that. If I'd had that third day, I think I would have moved from simply releasing and relaxing to really experiencing the deep, the depth of solitude. It's kind of like you go on a vacation and the first few days you can't stop thinking about your real life and then you start sinking into. You know relaxing, and I know for me there's a difference between, like, a three-day vacation versus a one week vacation, because by the end of the week you start slowing down.

Speaker 1:

It's not just about taking time off in this solitude break for you, it's about giving yourself the space to truly find peace and clarity. So I want you to ask yourself what would solitude look like for you and how could it transform your caregiving journey? I know I had another client years and years ago where, jan, she went and visited her grandchildren and she got away and she said that was like one of the best things that she could do because her grandchildren and she got away and she said that was like one of the best things that she could do, because her grandchildren helped her recharge. But she also had that alone time during that solitude time while she was traveling and she stayed away from the grandchildren's home, so she visited versus staying in the home.

Speaker 1:

To move towards embracing solitude, you have to recognize it's important and make it a value in your caregiver life. It's not just something nice to have. You have to realize it's essential to your well-being as a caregiver. So let's dive into why solitude is so important and how it can truly benefit you. Let's talk about that. First and foremost, solitude gives you a chance to recharge your battery. As caregivers, we're constantly giving and going whether it's our time or energy and emotional support but if we don't take time to replenish, we risk running on empty, which leads to burnout, which leads to health issues, which leads to whatever it is.

Speaker 1:

Solitude allows you to step back, breathe and refuel so you can show up as your best self, not just for your loved ones, but for you. It can help you really figure out, too, who you are and really come to grips of how I'm evolving as a caregiver. Solitude also provides clarity. In the hustle and bustle of caregiving, it's easy to lose sight of our own needs and our desires. Whether you take time for solitude, or when you take time for solitude, you can quiet the noise, reconnect your inner voice and gain perspective on what truly matters. It's in these quiet moments that you can make sense of your emotions, reflect on your experiences and perhaps even find solutions to challenges that seemed overwhelming before. Yeah, I call them aha moments that you can truly do.

Speaker 1:

Additionally, solitude fosters creativity and problem solving. Solitude fosters creativity and problem solving. When I would find solitude time, sometimes I tried to stay away from technology so I wouldn't get off on there. Like JK Rollins, her creativity flowed. Well, maybe you have your crocheting or your adult coloring, whatever. You bring that with you so that that helps you keep your hands busy so your mind can rest. Well, when JK Rollins did, she could tap into a wealth of creativity when she gave her spouse space away from the distractions. This can be incredibly valuable in caregiving, where you're often required to think on your feet and adapt to new solutions. Lastly, solitude strengthens your emotional resilience. It helps you build a relationship with yourself where you can process your feelings, release your stress and develop a deeper understanding of who you are and what you need. This self-awareness and emotional strength are crucial in navigating those ups and downs of caregiving with grace and compassion.

Speaker 1:

But here's the thing Despite knowing all these benefits, many of us still talk ourselves out of this time for solitude. So what's holding you back? Is it fear? Fear that if you step away, something might go wrong? Is it control? Somebody else is going to be doing it. Will they do it as good as I do, or will they miss something? Maybe it's worry Worry that your loved one won't be okay without you or that others will judge you for taking a break. Yeah, what is it? These are valid concerns, but let's get real, my friend, for a moment. Fear, worry and control are powerful emotions, but they don't have to dictate your life. They don't have to keep you from taking the solitude that you need and deserve.

Speaker 1:

Remember, taking time for yourself isn't selfish, it's necessary. When you take care of yourself, you're not just benefiting. It's not just benefiting you, you're also ensuring that you can continue to be the caregiver that your loved one needs. So I want you to ask yourself what's really stopping you from embracing solitude. Let me say it again, what's really stopping you from embracing solitude and, most importantly, how can you start to overcome those barriers? Because once you do, you'll find that solitude isn't just a break, it's a lifeline that keeps you grounded, healthy and ready to face the challenges ahead. And, as a matter of fact, if you learn these now in caregiving, you'll probably practice these for the rest of your life. So, as we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with a powerful challenge, yes, a challenge this week, and I would love to hear from you with a text and that click Kathy, a message button and tell me yes, kathy, I'm up to the challenge, or this is what's holding me back and I'm going to work on this. This is the challenge.

Speaker 1:

Imagine what your own three-day solitude respite or you call it a retreat, whatever you want to call it could look like. What would it look like? Just take some time to dream of three days off and what would that look like for you, in solitude, yes, by yourself. Grab your journal and take a few moments to dream. Where would you go? Maybe it's a quiet cabin in the woods, a peaceful beachside retreat, or even a cozy staycation at home where you can truly unwind if your loved one is not in the same home with you. What would you do? Or rather, what would you not do? Yes, what would you not do? How would you spend your time refueling your spirit, resting your body and rediscovering peace and joy? What would you do? What would it look like? Now, let's move from dreaming to planning. Now I want you to set a date for your solitude.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I'm pushing you as a caregiving coach, kathy. Whether it's three days, one full day, or maybe it's even a half a day to start, the key is commit to it and remember this time is sacred. It's not about sneaking in work, catching up on your thank you notes, like I did, or carrying any guilt with you. Yeah, when I was the first then 2019, I snuck my laptop, but I forced myself to keep it in the case. I did not bring it out and I had thank you notes to write. I didn't do that either. I just said nope, I'm not working, because you know we, as high achievers, any quiet time, we're thinking what else can we get done? Got to get that off of our plate. And no, this is about you and only you. Your only job during this time is to rest, refuel and find the sense of calm that we so often push aside in this busyness of caregiving.

Speaker 1:

Okay, to inspire you even further, let me share a story about Shonda Rhimes, the powerhouse creator of shows like Grey's Anatomy and Scandal Shonda Rhimes. Shonda is a working mom who juggles an incredible career and family life. She has spoken openly about the importance of taking time for herself, even in the midst of her busy schedule. Shonda realized that to be the best mom and the best leader she could be, she had to work on her well-being. She started by setting boundaries and making time for herself, even if it meant saying no to certain demands on her time. Shonda committed to her own solitude and self-care and allowed herself to continue to thrive both personally and professionally. If someone as busy and influential as Shonda Rhimes can prioritize time for solitude, so can you. There is a way. In Kathy's situation, her daughter checked in on her dad. Could you have a friend staying with? Could you ask family members? What could you do? You know? So you that might be a barrier.

Speaker 1:

And then many times when I coach clients, we're like, okay, let's not go to that yet. Let's imagine, let's figure out what that plan would be, and now let's look at ways to go ahead and make it happen. So here's what I want you to do Take the first step and set your date Like I said, even if it's a half a day, even if it's a half a day and commit to it. Write it down, block it off in your calendar and start preparing for it and, as a plan, remember the purpose. This is your time to do nothing for anyone else no laptops, no to-do list, no guilt for anyone else no laptops, no to-do list, no guilt. It's your time to refuel, rest and find joy in simply being.

Speaker 1:

When you go on vacation, you make it happen. I think about when, if I was going to go on vacation, I'd have to find somebody to watch the house. I'd have to find dog sitters. We would have to go ahead and do all of the things. I had to do it when we did the stem cell transplant. I had to make it happen. You need to put yourself as priority. If you start small, that's okay.

Speaker 1:

The important thing is that you're taking action, that you're valuing yourself enough to carve out this space for solitude, and it's hard to say that all the S's this space for solitude. It's hard to say that all the S's space for solitude. You'll be amazed at how much more energy, clarity and peace you can bring back into your caregiving after just a short break. So let's make this happen and journal about your solitude and set your date and give yourself the gift of time just for you. And if you want to text me that and tell me that and doing that, and if you want me to be your accountability partner, go ahead and do that, or even share on social media or text a friend that you're going to be doing. Whatever will work with you. It'll truly make a difference.

Speaker 1:

You know, my ultimate goal is that every caregiver out there talks about their respite care, talks about the importance of their respite care and their solitude time, because that should be something that should be structured into it, and we need that. Remember taking care of yourself isn't just important, my friend, it's essential. Prioritizing your health and your well-being is the most important thing. You're not only becoming a better caregiver, but a happier, healthier you. Until next time, my friend, I want you to go ahead and think about that. So let's make solitude a value, a priority for you in a non-negotiable part of our lives, both you and I. You deserve it and your loved one will benefit from it.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for spending this time with me today. I had a lot of notes in front of me and I was juggling around what order I was going to put it in, and I think it came together pretty good. I hope you're feeling inspired and ready to embrace the power of solitude in your life. And if you're not ready to embrace it yet, I hope I left it in your brain, where you're going to stew over it and think about it and really find different ways. So until next time, my friend, take care of yourself and remember you can't pour from an empty cup, so make sure you're filling yours first. Bye for now.