The Caregiver Cup Podcast

From Caregiver to Advocate: Mending Relationships While Supporting Aging Parents with Kathryn Betts Adams

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 235

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Discover the heartfelt journey of caregiving through the eyes of Dr. Kathryn Betts Adams, affectionately known as Katy, a distinguished gerontological social worker and author of "The Pianist's Only Daughter." As the only daughter in a family of artistic and academic brilliance, Katy shares her deeply personal experiences of supporting aging parents, intertwining her stories with professional insights. Her narrative not only highlights the challenges faced with her father’s musical legacy and her mother’s battle with Parkinson's but also the delicate process of mending family relationships over time.

Explore the emotional and logistical maze of caregiving, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. Katy reveals candid anecdotes about moving her mother to a memory care unit and advocating for her father's mental health needs, offering practical wisdom on navigating senior living arrangements. This episode is a reflection on balancing parental care with personal well-being, emphasizing the importance of humor and shared memories in maintaining connections with loved ones. By sharing her story, Katy provides a roadmap for listeners who are managing similar responsibilities, advocating for the importance of self-care and the courage to seek help.

As we wrap up the conversation, Katy’s experiences underscore the importance of gratitude and support systems in the caregiving journey. Her memoir serves as a beacon of resilience and insight for those walking a similar path, encouraging listeners to cherish their time with loved ones and embrace the support available. We express our heartfelt appreciation to Katy for her invaluable contributions and invite our listeners to subscribe to the Caregiver Cup podcast for a continued exploration of these relevant and touching narratives.

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Cathy:

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. I am so glad you're here today and welcome. It's Kathy here. We have a great interview today and I've learned so much from her. Her name is Dr Catherine Betts Adams, aka Katie, which she gave me permission to say. I had to learn this word and pronounce this word many times but she's a distinguished gerontological social worker with a PhD who has dedicated over two years to clinical practice in academia, focusing on aging health, aging the elderly and mental health. Originally hailing from St Paul, minnesota, dr Adams now resides in West Hartford, connecticut, where she balances her time as a proud grandmother and dedicated advocate for elder care.

Cathy:

Dr Adams is the author of a memoir that I just got and it's so very good. It's called the Pianist's Only Daughter, where she intertwines her personal journey as the only daughter of creative, artsy parents with her professional insights into family relationships and the challenges of aging. Her memoir gets into the complexities of caring for her parents, particularly her father, a talented pianist who outlived her mother battling Parkinson's disease, and the emotional and logistical hurdles she faced in providing them with the care they needed Today. In this episode, we'll explore Katie's experiences her transition from clinical work to academia work and the invaluable lessons she's learned about advocating for her loved ones in those later years. Whether you're navigating a similar situation or challenges, or simply interested in all of the dynamics of dealing with family members, especially parents, in all of the dynamics of dealing with family members, especially parents and caregiving, this episode is sure to offer a heartfelt insight into that care and really she gives us some practical wisdom and good advice. At the end of the episode I'll share my key takeaways, but I want you to listen and at the end, send me a text message and tell me your key takeaways Without further ado.

Cathy:

Let's get into the interview with Katie. Well, I am so excited, katie, when you actually filled out the questionnaire to be a guest and sent me the email and all of that. I read your questions and the answers that you gave to me and then you sent me more about your memoir and your background. I knew this was going to be a good fit for our listeners of the Caregiver Cup podcast. Was going to be a good fit for our listeners of the caregiver cup podcast, and so let me back up and ask you can you just share about yourself and where you are current state today, and then we'll get back into your story.

Katy:

Yeah well, I am now primarily retired. I'm I'm a grandmother to an almost two year old which been wonderful first grandchild. I live with my husband, who's still working full-time in West Hartford, connecticut, and my background was as a first of all a clinical social worker and then a social work professor. I went back to school, got my PhD and and um, my main area of focus was um aging, aging and mental health, and um, and then I had my own parents and uh, kind of um saw that it's not always easy, even with all that good background.

Cathy:

Yeah, so tell us about the, your parents and the story. I know there are some pieces in there that are that were definitely challenging. I know there was pieces in there that you had to make some hard decisions, so tell us about that.

Katy:

Right. Well, in a way I mean I have, I have been very lucky. I, I the. The memoir is called the pianist Daughter and the pianist is my father, who is now passed. But my mother and my dad were both very. They were academics. He was a musician, piano teacher, really kind of a concert pianist at a certain level, and my mother was an English teacher and scholar and a poet.

Katy:

And I was their only daughter and a lot of in the beginning of the book kind of describes growing up with them and how they were a little bit. There was a little bit of drama in their lives and I was kind of part of that and I think I became, you know, what you might think of as the caregiving child or the parentified child to some extent, because they were having problems and I was definitely my mother's confidant but also felt a lot of sympathy for my dad until he basically left my mom because he was having an affair with another woman and couldn't give that up and I was about 14. So then we had that and a lot of the book kind of focuses just on that early part in a way to set the stage for later, when my dad remarried and I have a half brother who's much younger and when my dad was about 72, his second wife fell in love with someone else and they got divorced. And then my dad, almost like without missing a beat, is on the phone to me saying do you think your mom would like to see me? And it happened.

Katy:

My mom had Parkinson's disease, which we got her diagnosis came around age 65. She was living near us in the senior living apartment in Maryland at that time and I was like no, I don't think she'll mind seeing you, but I hadn't really pictured. And then it turns out that they reconciled. She moved back to Minnesota where he lived on this big country estate, like how convenient when you're, you know, getting older and having some chronic illnesses and and then the winters and then the driveway and everything. So anyway, they lived together and they had a fairly good about 13 years.

Katy:

But her Parkinson's did continue to progress and I was very involved in trying to help her, you know, get the right doctor's visits and get the right medication and do the right thing. And I was working on trying to get them to move and live in some kind of senior housing. And then the big dramatic moment, as there often is. My mother fell and broke her hip coming into the house. There's like a one-step concrete entry with a door that goes out just like you know. Not a good thing. She did not use a walker or anything, even though she probably should have by then, and so she broke her hip and that was kind of the beginning of a spiral where, oddly enough and I don't think this is that uncommon, but it seemed sort of surprising to us at the time it sort of set off a level of Parkinson's dementia that she hadn't had prior to the accident.

Cathy:

Okay, were you doing this both from from afar too? Yeah?

Katy:

I was from afar so far. Yeah, oh my gosh.

Cathy:

That had to be even more nerve wracking.

Katy:

Yeah. So I was kind of running back and forth, flying back and forth, and I had already left my full-time job because my husband got a different job. So I was kind of trailing him and doing part-time work. But so it was a little easier. I had the privilege of having a husband making the money so that I didn't have to, I wasn't struggling to pay my own bills, but I can't even imagine, katie, the stress that you felt at that time.

Cathy:

Yeah, remember that.

Katy:

Yeah, it was a lot of stress and it was a lot of decisions because she was in, she got into a rehabilitation center, as happens like really quickly after you know they barely keep you in the hospital. She had a surgery for her hip and then they let her one of the first. The incident that made me start writing my book was they discharged her on a Saturday evening from the hospital to a rehabilitation center. There was one nurse there to check her in and to take care of all these people and he did not have the right Parkinson's medication. The room had linoleum hard floor and a single hospital type bed, but without any bed rails, and there was no way we could get bed rails without a doctor's order until Monday bed rails without a doctor's order.

Katy:

Until Monday He'd been trying to work with a PT person with a walker, but there was no walker there for her, and so the whole thing was just like a nightmare and so that was kind of like the beginning and there just were several incidents like that where you feel like I am someone who knows a lot about aging, I know a lot about nursing homes and hospital and healthcare, and yet I am just constrained by the situation. There's no way I can take my mother home, there's no way I can have her stay home with my dad right now. I have to leave her here. We have to try to. We ended up putting like things around her bed so that she wouldn't fall out, you know, like the wheelchair and a table, and I was like that was just for the rest of the weekend.

Katy:

And then on Monday she got bed rails, but that particular place about two weeks, maybe about three weeks later, actually did. She fell because they left her in her room alone in a recliner. And, unfortunately, what had happened with her and I guess this is not that unusual she just could not remember that she had this bad hip that was to be exposed. Ok, it was still, you know, recovering. She was barely out of surgery a few weeks and she, she really couldn't walk unassisted, so she'd like like edge herself out of her chair and then, oops, you know. So then they sent her to the hospital. So then we sent I sent her to a different facility and my father ended up, you know, selling his house and moving into that same facility, but in independent living. Okay, but for a while that was looking so good and that's like a little lull in the story. We're all in the same place, isn't that great. I'm still far away, because at that point we had moved from Maryland to California, well, actually to Cleveland and then to California, but, oh my goodness, partly because my husband's a science guy and he keeps getting these different jobs, but anyway, so we're in California.

Katy:

So then what happened was, though, her Medicare coverage for rehab ran out, as happens because they make that decision when the person is not progressing anymore and a lot of older people. It's really a sad thing because they could use physical therapy just to keep them from losing their abilities, range of motion, that sort of thing. But they may not be able to progress farther and actually get all the way better or much better. So unfortunately they said, well, we're going to stop coverage. So then that meant she had to move from the rehab center there to their higher floor, which was a dementia care unit, and they wouldn't put her in the other unit because she needed more supervision. So then the dementia care unit turned out to be very low functioning group of people and just did not seem appropriate. So then I was struggling again. Here's my dad living in the same place, but sort of like a little campus in Minnesota, and I thought, oh my gosh, I got him all moved in.

Katy:

And the interesting thing about the fact that he's a pianist is every time he was going to move he has a seven foot Steinway Grand piano, so that had moved in with him to his independent living apartment, yeah. And so eventually we moved them out to California and she went into an independent in freestanding memory care and he came and lived with us and his piano came and lived with us too.

Cathy:

OK.

Katy:

So then that was another sort of a calm time. So then that was another sort of a calm time.

Cathy:

But, and that was basically how it was till the end of her life, which, about a year later, I want to ask you about how did you advocate, what were some of the, the things that you had to do to? I mean, you talked about having to move. You recognize the situation. Can you give us a little insight on you know, trying to be that advocate it?

Katy:

really is hard, because a lot of the places, a lot of the ways things work, if there's a certain diagnosis given, it sort of triggers a certain thing. And so when they put dementia on her chart even though it was not Alzheimer's but it was a certain degree of confusion and forgetting and it meant that she kept being like unable to really be trusted in her chair, or so, I felt like I could not argue with the fact that they wanted to put her up in this. I did argue, but it didn't work in the dementia unit. So it did seem like, you know, I mean, she could have stayed there. If we'd had to stay there, we could have done it, but I I felt there must be a better way. Plus, I was still so far away. So then I started looking for places in.

Katy:

California and my mom had a pretty good pension and savings saved up from her career as a professor and that was good, because we ended up in that time which is now almost it's about nine years ago that this happened, where we moved her to California. It was $11,000 a month at that time, yeah, so you know we paid out of pocket, you know. Then she got her everything and you know we could just apply it to that Right, got her everything and you know we could just apply it to that Right, but anyway she had a fairly good situation in that memory care until, unfortunately, she we realized there's things that I learned along the way, even as a person who'd been a geriatric social worker. There's still things you don't really know until you know, until you understand, and one is that someone who really isn't going to walk should not sit in like a basic traveling wheelchair, like the kind that you see them all over.

Katy:

There's like a wheelchair go sit in your wheelchair. She needed a custom wheelchair. I knew she needed at first. I knew she needed a pad, so we tried to get her all these pads and pads and everything, but really she needed a custom wheelchair.

Katy:

But unfortunately she developed bed sores and that's how she died was because her bed sore got so bad and so we had put her into a hospice at a nursing home after trying to treat the bed sore, unsuccessfully. And my father would say what a way to die, what a sad way to die. And it was. But so then my dad, who was the one who had been kind of like the, the difficult parent, I had sort of an easy parent and a difficult parent and and and you know, earlier in life if I had thought, okay, the difficult parents going to outlive the easy parent, I would have been like oh no, oh no, because in a way it was hard.

Katy:

He had a lot of beautiful qualities, wonderful pianist. A lot of people loved him, but he was kind of controlling and kind of held on really to like his. He just really wanted that piano. Wherever he was, he wanted certain things. He really insisted that he could drive for a long time. We really had to fight him on that and his driving was not great. So he ended up living in our house. This was while my mom was there, and then after, and then about another several months, smile about almost a year later we moved to Connecticut and we brought him along. But I had to break it to him that my husband and I were not going to have him live in our house again and he was quite sad, for a little bit angry.

Katy:

But then he kind of he kind of got with the program and I think he kind of recognized that maybe it would be all right he could have another independent senior apartment and so we got him set up and his piano fit and he kind of became like, you know, the big man on campus for a little while at this other senior living here in West Hartford and actually had a fairly nice life for a while again. And then I was just doing things like getting his groceries and you know we'd sort of help him out with things. I took him to the doctor all the time and then things happened again. He had a lady friend and that was nice for a while, it was lovely. And then unfortunately she had Alzheimer's and she had to move to memory care and then that was a big loss for him and upset him.

Katy:

And then I'm sort of like trying to soothe him and it's sort of the earlier part of my book kind of illustrated how when you're a daughter kind of put in that position, it comes back. You know, when your person is old, your parents are old, you still feel like, oh no, I better help, I gotta, I gotta make sure they're not unhappy, because something I must be able to do, something it's something to do with me and I must be responsible in some way.

Cathy:

Oh my gosh, you're speaking my language, I I. I did that pressure to myself too, so hard to overcome that it's very hard coming back to, even though you know it.

Katy:

It keeps coming back and you realize because, because you're like chest is tightening and you're like your body tells you that you're all stressed out, yeah. So how did?

Cathy:

you overcome that, or did you just work through it?

Katy:

I just had to keep trying to work through it and the worst was still to come with him. Unfortunately that the end of his life was kind of a sad situation because it came during the COVID pandemic and he fell broke several bones, had to go to a nursing home. Then they didn't feel like he could even be really in regular assisted living, let alone independent. He never could really walk well again and so I basically left him where he was, but in like a little grade above the rehab nursing home.

Katy:

So he was getting, you know, a lot of hands-on care and got him a little Yamaha you know keyboard and some of his music and his nice CD player because he had all these CDs that he had recorded and he loved to listen to his own CDs. And people wrote to him. Former students wrote beautiful notes and things to him. But it was hard because, as his family, as you recall, from COVID, as his family, as you recall from COVID, we were not allowed to go in mostly at all. We were just over the phone and fortunately he did not have dementia, he was able to use the phone. He was a little like people get a little less judgment, a little less capability, but he still made a big difference so we could talk on the phone. But unfortunately a lot of that talking on the phone was him being miserable. Yeah, and so how?

Cathy:

Yeah, it is, it's hard because you see them so unhappy. You see that you have your, your, your, your backs against the wall, or you're hitting a brick wall, right you know, and all you can do is offer the support that you can, right and you know I, I've written, um, I write some things on medium.

Katy:

You know, mediumcom is a okay platform where people put essays and I thought maybe I would send you an email with yes, please, I have like three little ones about caregiving and, um, I'm sending, I'll send you a. What if they call the friend link? So then you can post it for your listeners Wonderful, that means they could get it without having to be members or pay. But one of the things there is that you know, you feel a lot of guilt and then it's sort of mixed with resentment. Because you don't want to feel guilt, you sort of realize I shouldn. Because you don't want to feel guilt, you sort of realize I shouldn't be responsible for this, and yet you might be the one you know. You kind of have to recognize well, I'm the one who can at least do something, if anything.

Katy:

But one of the things I noted in one of those essays was that you know your older parent is struggling with these chronic conditions, with aging and all the effects, and it's sad and you're grieving for that as well as feeling guilty. But it's not your fault. That's going to happen. If you walked away and never did another thing for them. They are going to have that same situation, but probably worse. So the fact that you're engaged, that you're trying to do whatever you can do, even if it's you know, feels like it's not enough. You know everybody has to. Unless they die sooner, they have to go through some things with aging that are not pleasant.

Cathy:

I remember driving over to my mom's house and this was in her last year where she was starting to really have problems with staying happy and mental illness was setting in and the depression was setting in because her cancer disease was just progressing. And I had to go ahead on the way there, kind of do a pep talk with myself saying, okay, I'm going to stay upbeat, I'm going to find humor, I'm going to be a duck and let some things roll off my back, because you get there and you can't mirror their, their, their state, right, you try to share something else that they can think about. Or hey, I saw this on the way here. You know, or do you remember when we used to do that?

Katy:

it it is because they are just, they only see the tunnel that they're in, right there yeah yeah so it's kind of up to you, you to try not to get sucked into that tunnel too, because then you're not as much of a help and then you're struggling yourself. Yeah, and I think in the book the good thing that really happened and it sort of helped me sort of decide. Sometimes if you're writing a memoir it's not like a novel. A novel you sort of plan A novel, you sort of plan A memoir. You kind of have to take reality and decide how am I going to tell this?

Katy:

But at the end of my dad's life I feel like there were some positives where I felt more kind of pure sort of appreciation for who he was and empathy and he at that point really recognized that you know, I was his person. At that point I mean he was grateful and that helped and sort of like we connected through humor and that was good because even though he's like basically bedridden, not doing well, he somehow still had a sense of humor and I was able to recall some things, kind of like reminiscence of things that were funny from the past and we could share that.

Cathy:

And that was nice. Yeah, that's so important to be able to do that. And I found that you know pulling out photo albums and saying, do you remember this picture and what we did? And it just helps because you know they feel. My mom would say, and my dad too my dad passed away of pancreatic cancer and my dad would say my brain is really good. My dad would say and I wanted to do things and I could remember things, but my body just doesn't respond, and so it's like, okay, but your brain's good, so let's go ahead and let's talk about this. And then he would say, oh, I wish we could do it one more time, you know and I'm like, yeah, those are the things that you know hurt the worst.

Cathy:

It's the aging body and the aging mind. That, yes, why do we? Why? I always think about this is just way out there. But it's like, why do we have to end our life that way? Or why do? Why do people have? I know it's part of life and it's a circle of life, but it's no. You know, he was a pianist and he worked.

Katy:

You know, and your mom works so hard and it's like yeah it's it's sad and it's it's kind of frustrating because you feel like maybe these extra longevity if there's not the quality, and I feel like with both my parents they kind of ran out of quality about a year or two before the end of their lives and that made it hard and as the daughter, as the person kind of responsible for them, even though I wasn't doing the hands-on care, I still felt somehow you were, yeah, you were managing it all.

Katy:

I was managing it all and I think it's just important to cut yourself some slack when you're that person, whether you're doing the hands-on care or not. And if you are doing the hands-on care, try to get as much help as you possibly can from other sources and they may tell you oh no, I don't want that. But you just got to say, yeah, but I can't do it. I cannot do all of this.

Cathy:

Well, let's use your expertise or your experience, because you had your mom and your dad both in facilities, right? What advice would you have for a caregiver that I have two, a caregiver that has a loved one in a facility, what advice would you give them to?

Katy:

and for the lack of a term, stay on top of it all, yeah yeah, um, I think, getting to know that the charge nurse and if you, unlike when it was COVID, I really couldn't go in and meet with all the people but now you could again try to get to know the night nurse staff too.

Katy:

My dad had a lot of issues at night where there were fewer aides and the regular charge nurse wasn't around and it seemed like he had a lot of anxiety and they kind of tuck him in his bed and he couldn't get out, you know.

Katy:

So he's in the bed, he's ringing his little buzzer and then they're getting annoyed with him because he's ringing his little buzzer again and he was maybe too hot or he wanted to have his blankets, you know he had a lot of different things and, um, I was in the email and on the phone several times about that, trying to say that I really did think they needed to be more patient with him. And then, finally, we had a psych consult, psychiatric nurse practitioner, and he was given something for his anxiety to take at night and it did help a lot and that's something I would not be afraid of when someone is in a state where they're not going to live that much longer. Anyway, there's no harm in having a psych consult if they're having anxiety, depression or a lot of behavioral issues like getting all angry and yelling, which he was also doing. That was part of his situation at night is he would yell at the aides and of course then they don't love that and they don't pay attention.

Katy:

So it was like a vicious cycle.

Cathy:

It was sad, but a lot better with some medication. Yeah, and I think if they hear from you and see you and you get to know them, they kind of understand. And I think it's no different than raising a child and being partner with the teachers and the principal in the school. You have to do your part there. Yeah, you know they don't understand and your loved one can't always be the voice.

Katy:

Yeah, always be the voice. Yeah, and I feel like if someone is in this later stage of life where they really aren't going to get up and around and out and about too much, it does seem like it's best if you can live close to where they're in their facility. And sometimes older people sort of arrange. They think, well, I'm going to go here where it's close to my old house and you're far, far away. But then if you're the one who's responsible, that's just too much for you and you might have to arrange for them to move. And if they're, mostly their lives are in that facility and in that room and everything and on the TV, it's better for them to be close to you and then you can visit regularly because that's the number one thing is to get in there and see how they're doing and help them. You know, clear things out in their room, Because a lot of the staff they only do a certain amount. They really aren't tending to all the little details, you know.

Cathy:

Right, right and looking at their clothes and making sure their clothes are there, and they didn't lose something of their clothes when they did the wash. And I remember all of that with my grandma. My grandma was in there too. If somebody is on the fence, and you know, and they're thinking, well, should they? Should they live like your dad? He lived with you for a while, but I had that situation with me, katie, my mom. After my dad passed away, we tried to have my mom live with me and she was miserable, she was owly, she was angry, she wanted our attention all the time and both of us had to work and it worked out for probably six months, but she was not happy and so we found her a senior living apartment. It was hard conversations. Do you have any advice for somebody that's looking at the next phase for their loved one?

Katy:

Yeah, I think it's very hard to have someone live with you unless they're quite mild-mannered and my dad was not overly mild mannered. He was okay. But we actually ended up getting a different house that he could live in with us, because the house we originally had in California would not have been good. So we found a place where he could have a space for his piano and a space for his computer and a bedroom and his own bath, all on the first floor. And I mean, when I think about what we went through, it's ridiculous, but there we are.

Cathy:

We were seriously thinking my husband and I were seriously thinking about building a mother's home onto the side of our home.

Katy:

People do that, yeah, yeah, and you know, in some cases that might be a good idea and if, and there's sort of there's sort of a point where actually, like with my mother after she got through the phase where she was always falling out of bed or falling off of her chair cause she was trying to get up, she really couldn't get up and she probably could have lived in a little mother-in-law space off of a house with around the block. But that does add up even more than you know. It can be even more than a good facility sometimes, depending on the way things are these days. But I think for us we probably would have kept him there. We kept him there as long as my mom was alive and as long as we lived in that house.

Katy:

And then when we had to come here, a few things about it were just like we just didn't want to have to have the daily responsibility for him, because if we went on a trip he'd be alone in our house and that was kind of starting to get a little concerned about him, you know, being safe by himself in our house and he always wanted the heat way up, oh yes, or the air conditioning not on, or you know, he really got cold and my husband's the opposite, and you know he played the piano a lot and so there was a lot of that throughout the house and you know a lot of that. I didn't mind, I, but I, you know, I could see the, the handwriting on the wall that he would be better off where he had dinner provided, which is what we ended up getting him, you know, with the independent living. And the other thing was, by the after my mom passed, it didn't take him long, and this I've talked about in the book and there's there's some humor. There's definitely some humor in the book. Um, he was looking for another girlfriend and he needed the socialization.

Katy:

Yeah, and he um, on two different occasions he met people out, like. He met a woman in the park and he went out and found this receptionist from the memory care where my mom had lived and tried to ask her out, and so we started to think he'd just be better off in senior living. Will there be some other ladies? And maybe he'll. And then he did. He met this girlfriend who was really kind of a godsend for him for a while, until she didn't do as well, but he had someone to really focus on and focus his love and his attention on for quite a while, and that was wonderful.

Cathy:

So oh my gosh, yeah, I love the fact. When you sent me this email to you said, can you explain this a little bit more? You said all family caregiving stories are family stories. Right, yeah, I love that. This is a great way to kind of wrap it all up here.

Katy:

Yeah, I thought of that as sort of a tagline for my book because my whole story felt like the way we behave towards our people in later life is so based on who we were as a child, who they were as our parents. You know, all my feelings of trying to make everything all better for them was from the early, early years, and then also some of the resentment I had for my dad came from when I was a teenager and he was not nice to my mom and had an affair and I knew all that and I was very upset with him at that point. So let's talk about mixed feelings. How long mixed feelings about my dad?

Cathy:

Well, and I think that's really true because, from a caregiving perspective, you know it's and we said this before we hit the recording not one size fits all and we all have to care, give, and there are so many caregivers out there that are caregiving.

Katy:

With all that past trauma, with all that past situation and even like abuse and such.

Katy:

That I think is best is really, you know, very, very hard and you know, I think I think, as the younger generation, if that's our situation, we have to watch out for our own mental health and and not force yourself to do too much if you really have not been able to resolve that trauma with your, with your older parent, but you really have not been able to resolve that trauma with your older parent.

Katy:

But it's very hard if there's no resources and you know you have to work hard to find resources. And I would say check with you know area agencies on aging, check with, if you need to, what's it called? Adult protective services. If someone that you're involved with is really not doing well and not taking good care of themselves, instead of you rescuing them because you really don't feel good about that, you don't feel like you can deal with it, you can contact adult protective services, say this is my aunt, this is my mother and she's just not doing well, she's self-neglecting and I really don't have the resources to help her, and then someone else will, you know maybe get them on medication.

Cathy:

I think it's so key to educate yourself and be able to go ahead and saying, and be able to go ahead and saying. I think more more caregivers go into it saying I have to do it, right, but you have to do it, but you don't have to, I don't know how else to say it.

Katy:

You don't have to do it all.

Cathy:

You don't, you can't do it all. You have to look at all of the options and all of the resources and do what's best for you.

Katy:

If you have the money for even like a little investment of like a few hours with a geriatric care manager someone you often pay per hour that would probably come out of your pocket to kind of help you decide. Is my parent capable of living alone? If so, what do I need to do to the apartment or the house to make it better? What should I be thinking about? What are some of the resources this person can help me figure out? Because that's what they do is help you, and it can be a very temporary. It seems expensive, but sometimes it's like over $100 an hour, kind of like an attorney or something, sure, sure.

Cathy:

It can be very well worthwhile. I agree it could be worth. It's worthwhile and being able to identify that and then making those decisions based on that. Oh, this was so insightful and I'm going to put your memoir in the in the link at the bottom in the show notes, so that everybody has a resource to read. I think the pianist only daughter you have and it's called a memoir. I love the graphics on the front of it with the, with the piano. Now I'm going to remember the piano that moved everywhere.

Katy:

And then is that you as a child Little girl with my mom. Nursing home scene with the pushing the wheelchair with my mom and the nursing home scene with pushing the wheelchair.

Cathy:

Pushing the wheelchair. Yeah, it just is full circle. And what a beautiful way to go ahead and share your story, but also providing tips to us through your story, to go ahead and saying we're not alone. Everybody goes through this. Most of most everybody will go through something like this. This. Most of most everybody will go through something like this, yeah, and we all have that pass that we have to go ahead and work through as we're caring for our aging parents.

Katy:

Yes, well, this has just been wonderful.

Cathy:

Kathy, thank you so much for having me, and I just think you're doing such a, you're doing as they, as they say in some circles, you're doing the Lord's work right, this is four years on the Caregiver Cup podcast and I just started just saying you know what I'm going to get behind this microphone and share my caregiving stories my mom, my dad, my spouse, you know and just sharing that, unfortunately, during that journey I lost my mom and my dad, but my spouse is still here fighting his cancer battle and he's doing wonderful. So we're just plucking along.

Katy:

So great talking to you.

Cathy:

Yeah, it's been a pleasure, Wasn't that? A great conversation with Dr Catherine Betts Adams, or Katie. Her journey through caregiving and then advocacy and the intricate balance of family relationships offers so much for us to reflect on. Offers so much for us to reflect on, from understanding the true cost of long-term care to the relentless effort required to connect with the right people, like navigating the complexities. I was blown away of the complexities of the discharge on the weekend and then finding the right head nurses. Katie's story is a testament to resilience and love, and I think those were some of my key takeaways.

Cathy:

As I mentioned earlier, I'm currently reading the Pianist's Only Daughter and plan to share some of its powerful moments in my upcoming emails and Instagram posts. I encourage you all to check it out and gain further insights into her remarkable experiences. You can buy it wherever they sell books. It's called the Pianist's Only Daughter, so you can go ahead and check that out, and I'll have a link in the show notes to Katie's website so that you can see a little bit more about what she does. But before we wrap up, I'd love to hear from you again and, by clicking on, send that message to Kathy, or send Kathy a message that will help me understand what your key takeaways are, because what resonated most with you in today's episode may be totally different from me, and when we share with each other, I think we can gain some more insights.

Cathy:

Think about how has Dr Adams or Katie's story influenced your perspective on aging and caregiving, and feel free to reach out and share your thoughts again on that text message or if I send you the email, the weekly email, send me that too. I want to conclude today with a heartfelt thank you to Dr Katie for sharing her expertise and her personal story with us today. I know that we can all gain some different perspectives with her. Your work, katie, is making a meaningful difference and we're grateful you joined us today. And listeners here, my friends, don't forget to subscribe to the Caregiver Cup podcast, or follow it, depending on which podcast app you're listening to, or I even have the audio versions and sometimes the video versions out on YouTube, and so if you're more of a YouTube person, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button there. Until next week, my friend, take care and cherish the time that you have with your loved ones. Embrace the little things. Bye for now.