The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Embracing the Journey: Danielle's Story of Caregiving, Resilience, and Personal Growth

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 241

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What does it truly mean to be a caregiver? Join us in this heartfelt episode as we explore the courageous journey of Danielle, who shares her personal story of leaving her daycare and culinary career to care for her ailing mother. Danielle opens up about the emotional toll and resilience required to navigate the challenges of managing her mother's stage three ovarian cancer while coping with the grief of losing her caregiving partner, her brother. Her story reveals the profound impact of caregiving, highlighting not only the struggles but also the unexpected companionship she finds in her brother's cats and the solace of early morning meditation.

As we unravel the complexities of caregiving, especially within the Canadian healthcare system, Danielle provides valuable insights into the financial and emotional challenges faced by caregivers, particularly in Ontario. Learn how self-advocacy and practical strategies, such as organizing medical appointments and using digital tools, can help manage the demanding nature of caregiving. We emphasize the critical importance of maintaining personal well-being through self-care, even as caregivers juggle numerous responsibilities, and explore alternative healing practices that can aid in managing stress and anxiety.

Empowerment and personal growth are at the heart of Danielle's narrative, as she reflects on the transformative power of caregiving and the enduring bonds of love it fosters. Her experience underscores the necessity of balancing self-care with caregiving duties, offering a poignant reminder of the strength and resilience caregivers embody. Through Danielle's journey, we invite listeners to connect with their own experiences, find strength in their unique paths, and embrace the profound connections that caregiving can nurture.

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Cathy:

Well, welcome to the Caregiver Cup podcast, danielle. We are so glad that you found me and found the podcast. And before we get started, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself and your caregiving journey, so that we can kind of start breaking all of that down?

Danielle:

kind of start breaking all of that down. Okay, I started my caregiving journey when my mom ended up with really bad migraines and her mental health was affecting it and my career just kind of took a different route and I ended up just staying home and taking care of her. And then she ended up, like years later after this, ended up getting diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer and it was aggressive stage three. So then my whole life was like, okay, this is completely different route because the caregiving changes. And then I started taking care of her and then I started to look into different like holistic ways of helping her, because she had amazing doctors already. So I was like, how can I help holistically? And that's how I just found my new journey.

Cathy:

Are you living with your mom then Are you? Yeah, so you're right there 24 seven, yeah, all the time with your mom, yeah yeah, I haven't.

Danielle:

I've never moved out. I've been taking care of her, I guess, for a really long time.

Cathy:

Yeah, yeah, definitely yeah. So how you said you had to put your career on hold, tell us about what you do and what you had to put on hold and how you're kind of you know maneuvering that.

Danielle:

Yeah, well, I was. I had a short little career in daycare and I thought that I was going to be a daycare teacher and then I went into chef school and I did that and yeah, and then I started working, but the jobs were really stressful and it wasn't working out. I just wasn't built for that life. And then I started a care that I started, actually a catering business. My mom and I did that and then just her health started to deteriorate with like the pain, it was just a lot, and I just started to go. You know what? All of these things aren't working out.

Danielle:

Maybe I should just focus on taking care of her. And it was so easy in the beginning because, like she just had it was just very simple caregiving skills, like maybe get her lunch every once in a while. But then when the diagnosed cancer came along and I'm I'm 37 now. So it's been a journey and she's had the cancer for about two years now almost. And, yeah, I started. I just went deep, dived into like the caregiving, because it was just she had to get chemo and she needed somebody with her and I would check on her sleeping because the cancer is very aggressive and it just turned into a whole new like. It went from caregiving like caregiving to okay, this is full time.

Cathy:

Yeah, and think about yourself and I know you think about you feel that when I interview somebody asked them to fill out a questionnaire and one of the questions I asked you was what was your biggest challenge going into now the cancer caregiving? What are your biggest challenges?

Danielle:

I guess just the stress of it all I went from. Just you know everything's going to be okay. She has mental health issues. I have a little bit too and it's like I can relate to that and the chronic pain was okay. But cancer is like a whole other story. It's just it's so stressful Because you just don't know day to day. It's just kind of like what's going to happen today, what new things going to pop up today.

Cathy:

Well, and you said the word aggressive and that's what Dennis. Now Dennis is re-diagnosed with aggressive Hodgkin's and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, so he went into remission, had himself transferred, went into remission. But now aggressive means that you know things have to be accelerated and sped up. Things have to be accelerated and sped up and think about you and what's going through your mind as you're caregiving for her. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Danielle:

I was so grateful I had my brother at the time who was helping me take care of her. Okay, he passed away actually December 20th 2023, at 30.

Cathy:

Oh my gosh. So you're caregiving on top of all of that stress.

Danielle:

Oh my gosh.

Cathy:

And then yeah thank you.

Danielle:

He had cysts on his brain and we didn't know, but he passed away from that. So he's helping me care, get for her and then all of a sudden he just like he's starting to deteriorate. So I'm taking care of both of them and then he just passes away and my mom and I are devastated and it's just kind of like, but we have to keep fighting and keep going and it's just been a lot of stress.

Cathy:

What do you do right now to try, to, you know, combat that or reduce that, because stress is always going to be there. You know, it's part of the journey that we're on.

Danielle:

Yeah, luckily I have two cats that were my brothers, so they're a lot of. They're great for stress, the cuddles and all that stuff are just very, and they wake me up in the early in the morning so I can read a book or have that time of quietness just to focus on myself, meditate. I like to do that a lot, just to gather myself, like do the dishes early in the morning, just because it's like relaxing. I love to just like have a little bit of time before everything starts to get crazy To go crazy.

Cathy:

Yeah, you know, and I think on here you had put to that you know showers and baths, to just try it out. Oh, yeah, I love that.

Danielle:

Yeah, I love doing that in the evening. I love doing that early in the morning, just having a shower or bath, just to like get my muscles to relax a little bit. Yeah.

Cathy:

Yeah, because there's things that you do let's talk about. I want to jump to the first one, though, because the first question you had said is or I don't know remember where it was you're in Canada. Most, not all, but probably 80% of them are. Tell us about. What does caregiving look like from a Canada perspective?

Danielle:

Is there a?

Cathy:

difference that you know of.

Danielle:

I think so. I mean we don't get paid to do a caregiving in Canada, unless you've been working at a job for maybe, let's say, 20, 30 years outside of the home. It's easier to get paid If you're self-employed. It's harder If you're just caregiving in general. It's hard to get paid.

Danielle:

There's not a lot of support, I find there are the groups that you can go to and kind of have that support, but there's not a lot of financial support in Canada, yeah, and I find that really frustrating because there's so many people out there with like that need help that are taking care of their family members, regardless of how old they are. It's just it's you can't do both.

Cathy:

Yeah, sometimes here it's a state by state or like maybe for yours it's a providence per providence, but it depends on the state you're in from a paid caregiving perspective here.

Danielle:

Yeah, some providence I think do do it. But in Ontario I know for sure that they just are not very helpful with caregivers.

Cathy:

Yeah, how's the health care system with your mom working for you? Is it working? I?

Danielle:

mean yeah. I mean yeah, we are so grateful for the team that is with her. We lucked out with the team that we have. I mean the healthcare could be better. It could always be better. Yeah, yeah, I'm like not impressed by full on care like the whole health system, but I'm grateful for her doctors so much.

Cathy:

I would say that from my end perspective too. I mean, I think that there's always room for improvement. But yeah, let's talk about that now. How do you advocate in the with the medical team, in the with the medical team? Is there any things that you do or any practices that you do to go ahead and stay on top of it? Because I know it's probably meds and management and all that. Oh yeah, what do you do?

Danielle:

Oh gosh, I love to be in her appointment visits with her because I can speak from just experiencing things beside her and if she forgets something I'm going to let the doctor know and I'm going to reaffirm that she needs something and I'm not going to let it go and she's not going to let it go, but like it helps because we kind of do that for each other, a team. So yeah, when I see something's wrong, I'm like, nope, this needs to be taken down. Yeah, and take it seriously. Good, good.

Danielle:

Yeah, and we have doctors that listen.

Cathy:

Do you track it in a book or something that you bring with you, or do you have a, do you?

Danielle:

Yeah, she actually has been able to keep a notebook. Her memory has been fuzzy, but she has a notebook. She's able to keep track of her medication, which is really good still, even though the foggy brain is like still not helpful, but she's able to track things down. I remind her sometimes if she forgets, but she's pretty good on keeping up with her medication and writing stuff down on her own. I'm really proud of her for that.

Cathy:

Yeah, I just started that back again with Dennis. My spouse is like yeah, I just started it. I bought this green butterfly notebook because I wanted something fun or different, but I just started recording everything because it's funny, over just one week's time and you less people week in between this visit, you can't remember if it was Monday or Tuesday or Thursday.

Danielle:

Yeah, exactly, it all blends together. Yeah, you lose, like every week seems like the same, but different things are going on. It just always seems like it's blending into each other.

Cathy:

Yeah, and being able to write it down and saying what time and all that kind of stuff helps, because, yeah, with that as well. What else did I see here too? You said notebook for logging medications. Tell me about your digital calendar for appointments. Do you use a digital calendar?

Danielle:

Oh yeah, yeah, we use Google calendars.

Cathy:

I'm like one of these people that try it and then go back, and try it and go back. So tell me about your tips there.

Danielle:

We usually write it down and then we also put it in the calendar just in case we don't look at the phone that day or something happens, just as a reminder, just so they pop up too. We just kind of have them for the time set and all that stuff, and we have them set for like 10 minutes before and usually the day before, so we know what's going on. Okay, good, so we're keeping track of everything and we also write it down, just so it's like not crazy, it's crazy because you have to manage all these appointments and that kind of thing.

Danielle:

It just becomes very overwhelming if you just oh yeah, it's so overwhelming because you have your own doctor's appointments and then you have, like, their doctor's appointments and you're just trying to keep everything on track On track as well so yeah.

Cathy:

Yeah, so let's talk about how you're taking care of yourself, or? Okay? First of all, let's let me ask you this what is, what is one of the biggest things that you have learned now as a caregiver, when it comes to your own care? You know, what have you learned? And then, what are what would be a typical day or life in the world of Danielle when it comes to care?

Danielle:

Oh gosh, I've learned that just because my body's taken so much stress, I have to advocate for my own health too. My body's taken so much stress. I have to advocate for my own health too. I recently had a doctor's appointment and we're getting blood work done for me because I'm so exhausted all the time lately and my body is just so anxiety stressed that we think it might be stressed. So I just want to get blood work done to see if anything's going on with me. Because my mom was worried too. She's like I have cancer, so we have to get blood work done for you. And she kept pushing me because I was like we just don't have any time right now, but like I'm glad that she reminded me because I have to advocate for my own health. I can't take care of anybody else unless I take care of myself.

Cathy:

Yeah, because I mean I don't know a lot about the whole medical thing, but burnout and the adrenal gland fatigue and all that kind of stuff is just. It's probably just beating you up inside.

Danielle:

Yeah, that's what I think the exhaustion is. It's a lot of like maybe high cholesterol or cortisol or something inside of me yeah, cortisol, that's going on inside of my body. I think that the stress and anxiety of everything is just really making me tired lately.

Cathy:

Yeah, yeah. And you know I always say to everybody listen to your body. But then on the flip side, I was in this like middle of the road feeling really good Dennis was in remission and then all of a sudden this hit and it reminds me of how fast your body can and, for lack of a term whack out. It can whack out because of all of the stress.

Danielle:

Oh yeah, I feel like that's what's happening to my body, especially since my brother's anniversary of his death is coming up. I think my body's just like okay, you're hitting a wall now you need to do something about it, just because like there's too much stuff going on.

Cathy:

I look at you. I look at you and seeing stress, probably still grieving his loss.

Danielle:

Oh yeah, big time. The year hasn't even come up yet, so it's still. Yeah, I still find myself crying at times because it's just, it's so how old was you? You're like 30. Oh yeah, he was my youngest brother too. Yeah, he was my youngest brother too. Yeah, I have another brother, but he was the youngest, yeah.

Cathy:

It's so devastating. Yeah, and how's your mom's cancer? Is it? Is it? She's still fighting the fight, oh my gosh, it's.

Danielle:

Yeah, oh my gosh. It's so amazing, though, like her cancer levels are so low and she's on a chemo pill, so like her cancer levels are really low. I mean, the chemo is attacking her bones like crazy.

Cathy:

So she's in pain that way, yeah.

Danielle:

Yeah, and her teeth and stuff and it's just, it's awful, but she's like, at least I'm alive, we'll figure out the other stuff, yeah.

Cathy:

Yeah.

Danielle:

And I'm just, I'm so grateful.

Cathy:

You know I think of you with like all of these cloud bubbles over your head. You know you have stress and the worry and all the management and your health and your brother's grief. And I'm glad you went to the doctor because that's a huge.

Danielle:

I find myself either crying or having panic attacks. For some reason, lately it's just been like that's just been my life If I had to.

Cathy:

this is Kathy, no medical background, no psychological background, but I think you're like probably on the verge of burnout, going into compassion fatigue. You're like really, because there's three levels there's the stress, there's the burnout and then there's compassion fatigue. And when it comes to compassion fatigue, that's where your body is really, really reacting and could shut down. So you really have to be on top of it.

Danielle:

So, yeah, I'm grateful that I'm going to get the blood work done soon. It's just I'm so tired.

Cathy:

And if it comes back good, then at least you know that okay, it is stress and burnout. Now I have to work on recharging or healing it back up, which gets me into the next thing. You are a healer, right? I'm probably not saying it, right. Tell us what you do. Oh, no, you're saying it right.

Danielle:

Yeah, I do Reiki and I'm also studying actually light language too. It's another form of healing. It's kind of like Reiki it deals with energy in your bodies and you kind of use your hands and the energy from your hands kind of heals either the pain or emotional pain, trauma, in a spiritual way.

Cathy:

Okay.

Danielle:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find it helps my mom with her pain in her bones and she had knee surgery, so she's I help heal her with that and she says that it takes away a lot of the pain. She doesn't have to use as many painkillers.

Cathy:

That's funny because I had Dr JJ Kelly on about two months ago and I was telling her all of my history and she had said you need to find a local. Is it Reiki?

Danielle:

Oh yeah yeah, yeah, you're saying it right.

Cathy:

Yeah, healer in my area and she goes. You're going to either cry after you're done to let it all out or something's going to happen to your body.

Danielle:

Yeah, I can even do it to myself too, which I need to do, but it drains me so much because of the energy that you're passing on to somebody to help them. So it's like I'm still in the early processes of like learning how to.

Cathy:

I am. I saw your, your YouTube video about what it was, and so you, physically, do you physically just put your hands over the body. Is that what you?

Danielle:

do, yeah, and I feel like this energy coming out of my hands and I could feel kind of absorbing the energy that's in the person and you kind of just toss it away Okay, make sure that you don't attach yourself to anything and then you wash your hands with cold water, just to like completely.

Cathy:

Do they lay down flat? Is that what they do?

Danielle:

Yeah, they can lay down flat, you can be in a chair. Okay yeah, it's just really being a comfortable state of mind and just kind of let the healer do their thing and then you kind of feel like a release.

Cathy:

Do you say anything to them, or do they just lay there?

Danielle:

They just lay there. I kind of say things in my head like the Reiki masters of past, present and future, please help me heal this person. And then I say their name and then I say, please take away the pain, heal this person. And then I say their name and then I say please take away the pain from this person. And I'm doing it in my head so nobody can hear me. But and then I lay my hands on top of them and kind of move them around depending on where I feel it needs to be taken from them.

Cathy:

Yeah, and when your mom is there, what does she do? Does she say anything, or does she pray, or what does she do?

Danielle:

She just kind of lays there and she goes. I can feel it kind of leaving my body and I'm like, okay, that's good, Just let me know how you're feeling. And she's like the energy is kind of leaving and I can feel the pain kind of like going numb and kind of like muting itself. And I was like, okay, that's good, Because like you, don't you want to take as much pain as you possibly can. And then when you feel like you're just ready, the person is good. You're just like, okay, it's time for me to step back now and we'll see how you're doing and then I'll come back in a couple of minutes if you need more.

Cathy:

Okay, because it reminds me of when you're doing deep meditation. And yeah, that's what it kind of reminds me of when you're doing deep meditation. And yeah, that's what it kind of is Sometimes when you think, what I think about sometimes when I'm deep meditating, is I think about, okay, let's move from the head to the face to the shoulders and kind of move all the way down my body. Yeah, and I physically think about it and let it all it's similar, yeah, it's very similar.

Danielle:

You're just kind of helping the person body figure out how to heal itself. Again, okay, okay, yeah, because it's like it's the body's spiritual way of turning back on the things that they used to know on how to heal themselves. But you're just kind of that reinforcement.

Cathy:

That's so interesting. Now you said you're still studying. What are you still studying? Which part?

Danielle:

I'm at a level two, reiki. I'm going into level three. I'm just want to make sure that I can process as much as possible. I'm studying how to take real control of my energy and not drain so fast, because that's the biggest problem that I have and, being an empath too, I take on so many people's energy. It's just, it's draining, it's very draining.

Cathy:

Well, and that's probably a big challenge for you as a caregiver yeah, because you're taking on your mom's energy, oh yeah. You're that load with you.

Danielle:

Yeah, sometimes I can't even tell where my emotions begin and hers kind of end, because it's just so empathic with her and she's the same way she can feel my energy and it's like I'm always trying to like be up and positive and stuff, but it's very, it's draining at times and then you just you find yourself crying for no reason and you're like why I was the people pleaser side and she was always the pessimist.

Cathy:

She never and more of a realist pessimist, but everything the sky was falling with any type of news and I felt like I had to lift her up all the time and get real with her and take her to the optimistic side, which is exhausting.

Danielle:

Yeah it is, and my mom's a people pleaser and so mine. It's like the two of us together. And then the empathic stuff. It's like we're like too similar and it's just so draining at times because you're just trying not to like absorb each other's energy.

Cathy:

Well, I commend you for at least knowing, because I think the biggest part from a caregiver perspective is to understand who you are and your awareness. I mean you have to oh yeah for sure, and then I think it takes a long time to figure out the best possible way care for yourself in this time oh yeah, it's a journey.

Danielle:

It's a journey to figure out how to take care of yourself and take care of somebody else that's going through something so drastic and life-changing, and you're just kind of like how do I take care of this person and also have enough energy to take care of? Yeah, just to make sure that everybody's taken care of yeah it's just a lot.

Danielle:

And and it's a lot too when you're trying to process something and they're trying to process something, and you're both going through similar things, but you're like, ok, this person has to handle all of this and then I have to process that. They're going through this and it's just kind of, it's very hard and it's just kind of it's very hard.

Cathy:

Well, yesterday we had met with another doctor yesterday and talked about how we're going to process all this information and he had said think about your loved one's current condition like a box with everything in it. Everything in it, Everything, and all of the diagnoses, the outcomes, the pain, all of your emotions, everything. And some people will close up the box and put it in another room and they don't want to take care of it and they avoid it. Some people will have the box sitting at their kitchen table and when they're ready to open it, they'll take out bits and pieces of it.

Danielle:

Oh, that's a good idea. So, I tried to process so many things at once that I'm like I want to think about that so because you don't want it.

Cathy:

And then there's other people that will open the box and dump it out, and then they're just all over it, so thinking, yeah, I've been dumping it all out.

Danielle:

And then they're just all over it, so thinking, yeah, I've been dumping it all out right now and it's like I need to take it out at one time or take it out and put it in stacks and then put the other stacks back in the box and only work on one stack right now, and that's Danielle. Maybe that's a good idea. Yeah, that's a good idea because I'm always overwhelmed and I'm like I know that I'm trying to process everything at once and it's not working, and I never thought of it like a box.

Cathy:

Because I am that way right now, today, and I'm giving you advice and I feel like almost like a hypocrite because I can't do it today. I'm the dump out of the box today and I know you have good days and bad days.

Cathy:

That's understandable when you have good days and bad days. It's understandable when you have good days and bad days as well. If you could change something from the past from a caregiving perspective, hindsight's always 20-20 and we'll never be able to fix it. You know what would you change if you could go back and redo it again? Is there anything?

Danielle:

Yeah, I think that I would figure out how to take care of myself a little bit better instead of just now trying to figure that out. I would go back and do that more often, and so I knew how to just jump into this situation.

Cathy:

Yeah, what would you have done? Do you have any ideas?

Danielle:

No, I have no idea. I think I would plan meals better, maybe schedule time for myself a little bit better. I'm starting to learn how to do that now, but it's a learning process. But yeah, if I could go back, I would do it a little bit better early on.

Cathy:

Yeah, yeah, but what's nice about this journey is it never goes away, so you can go ahead and try different things now and say okay, this week I'm gonna work on the meal thing and trying to work on that, next week I'm going to work on, you know, whatever it would be from. You know, maybe you do a recharging time or something.

Danielle:

Yeah, because I love planning out meals and I love like making a bunch of them so, yeah, so that I can just like not worry about that.

Cathy:

A bunch of them, so, yeah, so that I can just like not worry about that. I don't know if you heard my episode one time. It's like when my kids were little I had three boys. They always would come home from school and say what's for supper?

Danielle:

Bob, what's for supper? Oh yeah, those are boys.

Cathy:

You know, what I did is I created a calendar and put it on the refrigerator every week and I'm like, if you have any questions, it's on the refrigerator and each week they'd help me with the menu, so they would get to pick a meal every week too.

Danielle:

So they wouldn't say well, we don't like that that is so smart.

Cathy:

Oh my gosh, I have to go back and listen to that episode. Yeah. And then what for me it was really nice is I would go ahead and write the grocery list off of that, so I didn't have to go to the grocery store and going maybe I get this, maybe I get this. You just know what you're going to have every week. Yeah, that's a good idea. Actually, you could get your mom involved in that too.

Danielle:

Yeah, because she's always craving certain meals and I'm like okay. But now I've actually wrote them in my notes in my phone and wrote the ingredients down and I'm like okay. And she's like let's have this every like couple of weeks. And I'm like okay, now we've got things like kind of set now.

Cathy:

She can't have probably anything. You know, certain things don't appeal to her anymore with chemo and stuff like that. Yeah.

Danielle:

Because the taste buds change a little bit. She tastes more salt now, so it's just she's like is there salt in this? Yeah?

Cathy:

Oh, that's too bad. What advice would you have?

Danielle:

for a brand new caregiver right now. What would be some advice you'd give them? Okay, what would I give advice to a brand new caregiver? I think that I would give them. Just be patient with yourself. I know that, like in the beginning, I was like very overwhelmed and thought that I needed to do everything. If, like, I didn't do everything, I felt like the world was falling apart and I think that you just need to kind of like be okay with the fact that maybe not everything's going to get done that day and just be a little bit yeah, just be a little bit kinder to yourself.

Danielle:

Just process things a little bit more. Don't get so overwhelmed and beat up about just day to day stuff. It's just it doesn't really matter as long as you're spending time with that person. I mean, we're all going to beat up ourselves sometimes. But maybe just a little bit less.

Cathy:

Yeah, slow down and it's okay if you know everything does get done. You know, I too think I'm going to add right to your piece is like and allow yourself to feel because you have to go ahead and just be okay with it If you need 10 minutes to just go in the bathroom and cry.

Danielle:

Yeah, you don't need to be strong all the time, and that was like my biggest problem is like I need to be strong all the time, I need to have everything done and it's like sometimes I just can't do it all. I'm so exhausted by just like carrying all these emotions. Yeah, you just need to give yourself time to like process things.

Cathy:

Yeah, okay. My last one's a kind of a fun one. It's kind of like a dream one. Okay, if you had one day off from caregiving and it was like your caregiving vacation, okay, yeah, and what would you do? And you can't say sleep. We all want to sleep. Yeah, we all want to sleep One day to yourself that you could get out and do whatever you wanted to do. What would it look like for you?

Danielle:

Oh my gosh, I'd probably go to like a public pool because right now it's fall and I would just swim for a little while and maybe go bowling with my friends. I don't see them as often as I should, but like, do a little bit of bowling and just laugh and maybe go out dancing that night or something, just so I could have like so much energy and then just crash.

Cathy:

It's so funny because our lives change so much. Yeah, and being able to go out and just do something fun. I've had people say they would go to a museum. I had some people say that they would, you know, go sit on the beach. But yeah, whatever it's like, yeah, I have to think about that. And then, why I ask you? That is because you want to get to some place where you can do that, maybe not a whole day, but you get a little bit of time off for yourself, do you?

Danielle:

ever do that? Yeah, maybe little snippets I'm starting to. Now. I've been so focused on taking care of her and just doing my own processing of everything that's been happening that I haven't really seen my friends in the last two years. But I'm starting to reach out more and I'm starting to go. Do you want to go bowling? Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that?

Cathy:

Do you know I joined a bowling league. Oh wow, two years ago my mom was in hospice and my best friend and and she had said I found this really fun mixed bowling league and it's people from eight years old all the way to their twenties and it's just a fun and it's an only an hour long once a week and we do it on Wednesday nights and I'm like I'm gone maybe an hour and 45 minutes and it's a Wednesday night and I can't. Just it recharges me, makes me feel good and yeah, I can't make it, we can get a sub, but it's just. Yeah, it has changed me for that hour I socialize, I met new people. It's just-.

Danielle:

I remember the last thing that my brother said too. I think that's why I want to go bowling is because he said, danielle, you need to take time for yourself. And like, do you want to go bowling with me? That's what he said to me Like one of the last conversations that we had before, like the night that he passed away, where we said goodnight to each other but like he said come bowling with me and my friend, and I'm just like I don't know.

Cathy:

Now it's like oh, it gives me goosebumps. That's full circle, yeah.

Danielle:

And I'm just starting to go. I'm starting to just crave that bowling because I'm like that's something fun that we used to do as kids. Let me go bowling with my friends and just enjoy that, because it's like he always pushed me to leave the house, because he's like you can't just focus on caregiving. So I hope, in honor of him, I can go bowling and actually make him proud.

Cathy:

Well, yeah, so I'm saying you go to your doctor, get your test results done, figure out what's going on with you and then, once a month, schedule bowling.

Danielle:

Yeah, yeah. I think that I want to see my friends more often too, and they've been so amazing and so supportive through everything, especially the last couple of years, like just being able to be so understanding. I'm so grateful for them. They're so understanding, they understand when I cancel.

Danielle:

They understand. They're not mad at me. They're very supportive. We always talk to each other. It's just I'm so grateful that I have my friends that are so on my side, yeah, and are waiting for me when I'm ready, cause it's just I'm so grateful for them, awesome.

Cathy:

Awesome. Yeah, because it's just. I'm so grateful for them. Awesome, awesome, yeah, yeah. So to close today, you know what kind of you're talking to the Caregiver Cup listeners out there. Yeah, is there any closing thoughts that you want to share with them? I mean, because you gave them so many different nuggets of information and a lot of relatable, they're probably nodding their heads. Is there anything you want to share with them?

Danielle:

I just want them to know that, like, this is a community and we're not alone and it spans all over the world and that when you do feel like you're alone, just remember that there's somebody else, either like maybe miles away or next door that's also caregiving for a family member and it you'll feel less alone that way. I know, when I look at, when I see your um emails about your podcast in my inbox, I'm just like, oh yeah, I'm not alone, you know, and like, when your new podcast episodes come in, I'm like, okay, I'm alone. It's just a really good reminder because you feel so alone when you're caregiving. You just feel so, so alone and it's just a nice reminder to know that there are other caregivers out there. You're not alone. Everybody's going through different stages of their life caregiving. I think caregiving is a worldwide kind of thing and I think that we all have, we're all caregiving. Either we're parents or step parents or grandparents, or we're caregiving for our parents or just our spouses. It's all. We're all caregiving subway, we're not alone.

Cathy:

Yeah, and it's amazing how much I mean as much as it is a struggle, yeah, it's also. You think about how much you've probably grown as personally.

Danielle:

Oh, yeah, it's so rewarding and I just I love doing this because I can help my mom so much and I just and the love that we have for each other and how much closer we've become and just being able to share our feelings about everything and even just talk about the hard stuff it's just become so. It's such an amazing kind of bittersweet kind of job.

Cathy:

Look at, you're learning the healing process too. I mean, you're becoming a healer during the whole process. Yeah, yeah.

Danielle:

Yeah, it's just it. It made me step into my power and made me step into girl, that's what I wanted to hear from you. Yes, yeah, and it made me step into just a new version of myself, like I feel more grown up, I feel like I can just do certain things. I'm like ready to become a parent now, when it's like I just look at my life and I think I can do anything. If I can do this, I can do anything.

Cathy:

That's what I wanted to hear.

Danielle:

Oh, my God. It just gave me chills and because just being a healer just feels so empowering to me because I feel like I'm finally becoming me yeah.

Cathy:

And I think what you gave right now to the caregivers is, yeah, this is a hard challenge. You gave right now to the caregivers is, yeah, this is a hard challenge, but if you take it and you have that mindset, you're becoming the best version of yourself that you've ever been.

Danielle:

Yeah, and there's so much love there. At the end of the day, you just look at the person that you're taking care of and you just go, wow, like we did this together today, we made it through another day and there's just so much love unconditional love too.

Cathy:

There's just so much unconditional love and just I'm just so grateful that, like I'm able to take care of my mom and even just taking care of her empowers me even more- yeah, and I'm sure if you had that discussion with her, to say now, mom, I'm going to take little bits of time to go ahead and make sure that my health stays whole, she's going to be totally supportive of that.

Danielle:

Oh yeah, she's the one that gets on me about my health, because she's like you can't take care, because I'm always thinking about everybody else, and she's like I'm your mom, you have to take care of yourself, you can't take care of me. And it's a good reminder. And I'm so happy that she's still able to be that mom because she loves being a mom, so she can mom me until she passes away.

Cathy:

Well, this has been a great conversation and a wonderful episode for the podcast listeners to listen to, and a wonderful episode for the podcast listeners to listen to. So, danielle, I cannot wait for the feedback that we'll get from the caregivers and anybody listening to this podcast, and we always share the feedback that we get via that text message. The following weeks no-transcript.