The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Caregivers’ Holiday Survival Guide: Overcoming Overwhelm, Isolation & Guilt

• Cathy VandenHeuvel

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How are you feeling this holiday season, caregiver? The holidays can be especially challenging when you’re balancing caregiving duties with festive expectations. In this heartfelt episode, I share my personal journey through eight holiday seasons as a caregiver, highlighting the top five emotions many of us experience: overwhelm, isolation, guilt, grief, and fear.

Discover practical strategies for acknowledging and embracing these feelings, and learn how to create small moments of joy and self-care amidst the chaos. From personal stories of navigating Christmas with loved ones facing illness to actionable tips for managing holiday stress, this episode is your essential guide to finding peace and meaning during the most wonderful time of the year.

Plus, join me on December 10th for a free workshop, “Gifting Yourself Joy, Peace, and Personal Time: Navigating Holiday Stress and Emotional Well-Being,” where we’ll dive deeper into self-care practices and share more supportive strategies tailored for caregivers.

You’re not alone in this journey. Tune in to gain insights, connect with a community of fellow caregivers, and find the support you need to navigate the holiday season with resilience and hope. Whether you're seeking comfort, practical advice, or simply a sense of connection, this episode is here for you.

Don’t forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with other caregivers who might benefit. Together, we can transform the holiday experience into a time of healing, connection, and meaningful memories. Let’s make this holiday season a little brighter, one small step at a time.

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Speaker 1:

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here, back at the microphone after Thanksgiving. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and are now settling into what I call the holiday month, and it's filled with a lot of hype and a lot of challenges and emotions for us as caregivers. So that's what I want to talk about today, but before we get started, let me just share a little bit about my Thanksgiving. I had a really nice Thanksgiving with my family and friends. It was really nice because I put the little disclaimer that you have to be healthy in order to come over for Thanksgiving this year and all of the kids were the kids, the grandkids. I had my sister over, all of the wives and significant others, my fur baby and my two dogs, and it was pretty chaotic, like it normally is, but it was nice. The guys hung out into the living room and watched football after we got done with our traditional turkey meal and we, the girls, we could see the TV in the living room. We sat at the table and I pulled out a game and we had some coloring books out so we could adult color and we just had a really good time chatting and talking and giggling and laughing, so it was really nice. And what was a really extra blessing was Dennis felt good because he was on that he gets his treatment and then he has 21 days. He gets his treatment and then he has 21 days and he was on that last seven-day cycle before he gets another treatment. Actually, the day you're listening to this, he'll be getting treatment on that Tuesday, the 3rd. So I'm just grateful.

Speaker 1:

I also wanted to go ahead and give a huge shout out to our last week's guest, danielle Gray, who shared her story and she shared all of her years as a caregiver with being so young and I know I'm old and I'm sharing. She's in her 30s and I'm like she's just a young chicken and I'm sharing she's in her 30s and I'm like she's just a young chicken, which she is, but and she shared so much wisdom in having been a caregiver and I look at myself at the age of 62 now and realize that you know my caregiving years were in my 50s and 60s. I can't even imagine being in your 30s and being a caregiver. So I wanted to give a huge shout out to her and if you haven't listened to last week's episode. Take a note and listen to that. I want to thank the fan mail that we received too. It says Hi, kathy, this episode was really good. My heart goes out to this young woman. She has been through so much and I was happy to hear that she's taking care of herself. This is so important. So, danielle, if you're listening, we're all cheering you on and, just like everybody listening, you're not alone.

Speaker 1:

So I want to jump in now with this episode by saying how are you feeling this holiday season, my friend? Because I know that it can be a mixture of everything. Whether you like the Christmas and New Year's and Hanukkah, and however you celebrate, it can be still hard. The holidays can be challenging. When you are a caregiver, your world has changed and the holidays may look and feel nothing like they once did, and I know every holiday is different, no matter if you're a caregiver or not. But it's twice as different or three times as different. As a caregiver, your loved one might be aging, facing illness or unable to participate in the same way they used to be, and that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, lonely or guilty, or all of those other emotions about how different everything seems. I look back and it's now my eighth holiday season as a family caregiver and, to be honest, not one of them has been the same and all of them have been challenging in different ways and emotions in different ways. The sparkle and joy we often associate with this holiday season can feel hard to grasp, especially when you're balancing the health needs of your loved one. You're feeling the added stress and pressure. It's important to recognize that you're not alone in feeling this way. So in this episode today, I want to acknowledge all that caregivers think, feel and might experience that nobody talks about and then get you moving to a place of awareness so you can create small moments of joy in self-care. Who knows, you might even, or you could, create a new best memory of the holiday season, and I did, and I'll share it. It was in the most overwhelming time that I've ever had, but I have these memories of my mom and dad now during this crazy challenging time that now are in my memory bank as really great memories. But at that time I wanted to pull my hair out of my head. So I want to go back to my first holiday season as a caregiver.

Speaker 1:

It felt strange, shopping for gifts and decorating the house when the two favorite men in my life were in chemotherapy chairs and fighting for their life. My husband was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. My dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer with no cure, and the doctor gave him two to 11 months to live. And so it was really hard to be festive and jolly and everything was great like a Hallmark movie. I really, to be honest with you, I went through the motions with my family gathering, with my kids. Dennis didn't feel well. I really don't know how I did it and, to be honest with you, a lot of it's just a blur. After they all left, I cleaned up and Dennis went to bed. I sat looking at the Christmas tree lights with so much emotion. I was so sad because I yearned for the old days. I yearned for the over the river and through the woods to grandma's house we did, and all of that kind of stuff house we did, and all of that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1:

On Christmas Day, dennis and I drove to my parents' cabin to celebrate with my mom and dad, because my dad was too tired to go drive anywhere and, to be honest, he was so tired and you could see he was really crappy, but he tried to keep it all together. All I could think of was this was the last Christmas with my dad since pancreatic cancer was kicking his butt. But I had this. You know how you have this memory photo in your head. You don't physically take a picture, but the photo is in your head and it's in my head forever. And it was Dennis and my dad sitting on the Lazy Boy chairs in the living room while my mom and I were sitting in the kitchen. But I could see them and they were just chatting on the Lazy Boy. They were watching I don't know some Western and giggling and laughing and chatting and they were smiling and I have this visual picture in my head. At that time it was sad, but now I'm so glad I have this picture captured. I wish I could take my memory or my brain and physically print out the picture, but I can't.

Speaker 1:

But that evening, as we drove back home because Dennis had treatment the following day, I looked at all the Christmas lights on the homes that we passed when we were driving back home and I kept thinking selfishly, thinking, oh my gosh, they're all giggling and laughing and having their cups of eggnog and joy, what lucky families they are. And joy, what lucky families they are. I kept thinking about that and having this more or less pity party. But that's kind of what I want to talk about today, because we all feel this way but we don't really voice it, we don't really talk about it. So what I did is I came up with my top five emotions caregivers experienced during the holidays. I know there's more than five, but I'm going to come up with my top five.

Speaker 1:

The first one is this overwhelmed feeling of the hustle and bustle and the stress of doing it all and getting everything done, and we all feel that it has normal holiday pressures, especially in America. It has normal holiday pressures, especially in America. But caregiving adds a whole other layer. The holidays adds a layer of expectations and tasks. You have the shopping, you have the decorating, you have the cooking, you have the hosting. You have all of that that can feel impossible to manage alongside of your caregiving duties, which you're already stressed and strapped. Caregivers are already dealing with the intense emotions and physical demands, and then adding the holiday pressures can make even everything feel like it's just a huge, huge, huge weight on your back.

Speaker 1:

And I remember my last holiday with my mom, her last Christmas. She was living in her senior apartment and my mom was this elf that was always excited for Christmas and the holidays and she would Christmas shop in October for all of the everything. She would get out her decorations, which would be meticulously packed from the year before, and she would go all out. There would be not one spot in the house that wasn't decorated. It was almost over the top. But this year she wanted to make sure that she bought for every single person in the family all of the kids, the 12 grandchildren, their significant others, the 13 great-grandchildren. She wanted presents for everyone. I like that. She was excited.

Speaker 1:

But it was so much extra work because we had to shop, we had to decorate her house, we had to do all the wrapping. She had a door decoration contest at the senior living apartment, so I had to help her decorate her door and what we did is we did a Christmas tree with battery-operated lights on the door, with garland and stars and stuff. It took us like three hours to decorate her door and, as a matter of fact, she won second place in her apartment for it. She had to go get one of those ornaments off the tree because they donated to a family in their senior living apartment. I helped her address all of the Christmas cards and then stamped them and had to mail them all. She loved Christmas from A to Z. Well by that.

Speaker 1:

But that really left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and so far behind with my own personal stuff. She was all ready. I didn't have anything done because I was so overwhelmed for helping her. At one point I called my girlfriend up and I said you know what? I'm canceling Christmas since I am overwhelmed, I am spent, I am angry that I can't get my stuff done, and I was resenting it and I was doing that. But did you know that 60% of caregivers feel overwhelmed during the holidays? I'm surprised it's only 60%. To be honest with you, I feel like it should be more than 60%, but maybe they have a different version of overwhelm than you and I do. But I want to let you know that you are not alone when you feel this added pressure to go ahead and do the extra things.

Speaker 1:

Another emotion is isolation and I said it, weird isolation. The holidays are often centered on family and social gatherings, but caregiving can make it difficult to participate. Concerns about your loved one's health, their immune system, or you're just exhausted from caregiving, can lead to you isolating yourself, which also adds to you feeling lonely, because, if you remember, in the past, you had the energy and you wanted to celebrate. So this year may bring on new challenges with, for example, for me, with Dennis's treatment. He doesn't feel well and he'll get his treatment now, today and tomorrow, and then he won't feel good probably until maybe the week of the 22nd, 23rd of Christmas. And there's concerns of his immune system which makes me worry when anybody visits and I have to put strict orders into the invitation that if you have sniffles or you're not feeling well, you can't come over. So it's a seesaw battle for me. I want to celebrate the hospital, the holidays, but have to limit visitors and then I feel sad and isolated. I do. You know? I think about in the past where we would go out and we would go to concerts or we would, you know, visit people in their homes and stuff. We have to be so careful with him. Well, here's another stat Caregivers often experience heightened feelings of isolation during the holidays.

Speaker 1:

Experience heightened feelings of isolation during the holidays. Studies indicate between 40 and 70 percent of family caregivers experience clinical depression, frequently linked to isolation in caregiving. So that's a normal stat, but think about too. Additionally, 44 percent of seniors report feelings of isolation during the holidays. So if you're caring for a loved one, they feel it too, and their isolation and it's a sentiment that can extend to us as caregivers their feelings as well if they feel depressed or isolated or they're grieving their significant others or a loved one as well. So we've gone through overwhelm isolation.

Speaker 1:

Now let's move on to guilt. Us as caregivers may feel guilty about not being able to give the holidays the same level of joy or effort as before. You might feel torn between wanting to celebrate the season and needing to care for your loved one. You only can do so much. There's also the guilt of feeling frustrated or burdened by caregiving responsibilities. Think about it If your family members are getting together for the holidays and you have to stay back with your loved one, then you feel guilty about that and it's supposed to be this joyful time. Or even declining invitations because you can't go, or not being able to do a gift exchange because of your financial situation. All of this guilt bottles up for you, and well.

Speaker 1:

So the first Christmas my mom celebrated without my dad which was in 2019, it was also my first Christmas without my dad. I invited mom over to my family gatherings where we had a lot of fun traditions, and my family Christmas is gift exchange and then we eat, then we do gift exchange, then we have Christmas games, and then my two sons are born on the 21st and 27th and so we have a birthday party as well. So it's really kind of chaotic. I could see my mom sitting there feeling sad and then I feel guilty because I was laughing and trying to have a good time with my family. So there are many times we feel guilt too for saying no so we can have the quiet time, or we feel guilty for having fun, or guilty for feeling sad, or guilty for not feeling festive. So all of those are normal emotions and at the holidays they just feel like they're magnified.

Speaker 1:

Okay, the fourth one that I think is a top five is grief and longing for the past holidays. Holidays are a reminder of better times, when loved ones were healthy or family traditions were simple. For caregivers, the absence of what used to be is particularly pronounced or magnified. There's a longing for the good old days and sadness when things feel less joyful or completely different. I get this one. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss Christmases with them so much. I sit by the Christmas tree lights and I have my Christmas tree up right now, yearning for those days. I also grieve for my spouse, who's still here, but I grieve for my spouse of the past, when he wasn't sick and we were going to movies and plays and concerts, when, when things were easier and I didn't have to wear so many hats and feel so much concern.

Speaker 1:

The holidays give me this bittersweet sense of loss, lost of the past loved ones, but also lost of my present love one during the holidays. I know you feel this way. I know you grieve for I mean I even grieve for my childhood memories, but I keep those as a joyful one now. But my husband and I said the other day I wish we could go back and have one more Christmas with our parents or one more childhood Christmas and we joke of some of the things that happen. I'm like, do you really want to go through? You know, so-and-so broke the biggest platter and that was the family platter that was passed down from tradition. On and on and on. And he said, yes, I would love to, because it's just something we do Okay.

Speaker 1:

So the fifth one is fear and uncertainty about the future. The unknown is always difficult, but the holidays amplify those fears, especially if you're questioning whether this could be their last Christmas with your loved one, or if they will even feel better, or even if you will ever be the same again. Oh my gosh, caregiving often puts a magnifying glass on the fragilities or fragileness of life during what is supposed to be this festive time. This year brings new challenges for you, brings new challenges for me With Dennis's treatment. He doesn't feel well and the concerns of his immune system, like I said, make me worry about visitors. So it's a, like I said, it's a seesaw battle and I want to celebrate the holidays but have to limit the visitors. Then I feel this sad and isolation and when I sit alone I get into this negative space. I get into this space where I wonder if this is going to be Dennis's last year or will this holiday season ever be jolly again? I know you should be grateful and I know I am, but this uncertainty can bring this blue Christmas feeling and I'm just going to call it a blue Christmas feeling. So I went through the five. So it's overwhelm. It is isolation, guilt, grief and longing for the past, and fear and uncertainty about the future.

Speaker 1:

Now that we've talked about these emotions, it's time to take a breath and just be aware of them. First of all, awareness means recognizing what you're feeling and really accepting it without judgment. And I've said this so many times, it's normal. This is where we can start making choices that honor our needs, allowing us to find those small, meaningful moments of joy even in and your overall emotion. I really think it's important to embrace and understand these. You want to start by recognizing and naming that emotion that you might be experiencing during the holidays, like I feel guilt, I feel grief. Maybe you share this in your journal or you share this with your friend. Then I want you to say it's okay, it's normal as caregivers to have these feelings and thoughts. You shouldn't feel like they're bad. It's normal.

Speaker 1:

When I sit by the Christmas tree and sadness sets in, you know what I do I hold my heart and let the feelings be. Why? Acknowledging that these feelings are valid and common among caregivers helps to normalize this and lets listeners know that you're not alone and lets you know that you're not alone in the struggle. So awareness Then. Once you're aware of it. You want to go ahead and accept it, embrace the reality of your caregiving season. You want to move towards accepting what it is and it might not be perfect or look the way you want it to be or like it once did, and that's okay If you can't get up a full Christmas tree right now and you want to go ahead and just do a tabletop one, that's the reality of the situation and embrace that. That's the reality of the situation and embrace that it's a lot easier and maybe that's what is best for you. Right now the reality is different and it's important to honor the season for what it is, without forcing it to be something else. Acceptance isn't defeat. It doesn't mean giving up hope or giving into sadness. It really means making peace with the present reality. I love that saying making peace with the present reality so you can move forward in a way that's much healthier for you.

Speaker 1:

When I felt guilt or overwhelmed with my mom, I had to remind myself to find joy in decorating her apartment, making that goofy door thing, but then, when she won, it was just even more. Even when I was tired, I had to make a personal choice to look at the small smiles and laughter we had. And then and I had to remind myself, kathy, this isn't forever. I spent two Sundays getting it all done and it wasn't forever. And you know what? I am so glad I have it now.

Speaker 1:

You want to talk about releasing the importance of letting go of the idea of a perfect holiday. Release those societal and family expectations, the social media, perfect pictures and how everybody is having joy. It's not. It's not true. Anyway, we're going to do it because acceptance provides a path towards inner peace and allows you, as a caregiver, to let go of the pressure, which, in turn, makes space for small moments of happiness and joy. Okay. Another thing, then, is, once you get aware and you accept, then you can do some action, like taking small steps to create moments of joy and peace, and I really want to stress just small things right now. Make it really really simple for you.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to be spending a whole lot of time on creating moments of joy and self-care in my upcoming workshop on December 10th, which is next Tuesday, december 10th, with tips, tricks, hacks and self-care practices. I want you to join me. It's called Gifting Yourself Joy and Peace and Personal Time During this Holiday Season, because you want to navigate holiday stress and-care strategies, ways to simplify your holiday activities and how to create meaningful joyful moments, even when it's chaotic and stressful. I want you to really think about it. It's free, so I'm going to have the link in the show notes for you to sign up for. And I am just doing this out of the goodness of my heart, because I know how hard the holidays can be, and I want you to find little moments of joy that you can do with your loved one. You can do on your own, you can do with a friend or you can just have a personal moment, but I don't want to leave you without anything, so I want to share a few. So you use them. You can use these for the next week until we get together.

Speaker 1:

Really, the ultimate goal of taking action is to encourage you to take small steps that help you navigate the holiday season and reduce that stress, and with more intention. So my suggestion would be simple actions that you can go ahead and do. Maybe it's lighting your favorite scented candle and sitting quietly for a few moments. Maybe it's enjoying your favorite cup of hot coffee or cocoa or tea while you look at the Christmas lights or you listen to holiday music. I have holiday coffee cups and I'm rotating those right now. Mine says holly jolly and I love that.

Speaker 1:

Find small, meaningful ways to connect with your loved one, like sharing a funny memory or decorating one small space together, and it doesn't have to be this big, big ordeal. And then I also want you to think about your daily rituals. What can you do to keep the stress low? It's almost like maintenance mode that you can do. Remember it's okay to change plans. It's almost like maintenance mode that you can do. Remember it's okay to change plans. It's okay to ask for help. Your well-being matters and taking care of yourself will make it easier for you to show up for those you love and you know.

Speaker 1:

Start by thinking about what things stress you out during the holidays, especially as a caregiver. Now, how can you simplify it? I can't give you too much more because we're going to talk about all of these things, so I really want you to attend my free workshop Now. I'd love to hear from you. I love this text message feature In the show notes.

Speaker 1:

There is a thing that says message Kathy. What that is is a text message that says Message Kathy. What that is is a text message and I don't see who you are. I only see your last four digits of your phone number, because that's the software that my podcast hosting platform uses, and I see the location your cell phone was purchased at or used at, so it might not even be the same city and state. It means nothing to me. I look at the message, but I want to hear from you and I want to hear from you how are you simplifying and making the memories memorable for you? How are you simplifying the holidays? And I want to hear from you. So go in there and tell me what are you doing this holiday season to navigate these challenges? What are you doing? Are you incorporating a self-care practice? Are you doing something with your loved one? Are you doing something special for you? How are you navigating the holidays? That's what I want to hear from you in the link, and I will share those next week. So let's recap today and talk about what we talked about.

Speaker 1:

The holidays don't have to be perfect, and it's okay if they feel different this year. Honor your feelings. Honor your feelings, honor your thoughts. Embrace the small moments and let go of the guilt around not making everything just right. It's okay. I'd love you to join me on that special workshop.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to do it on December 10, which is Tuesday. I'm going to do it at 4 pm Central Standard Time. So if you're in the Eastern time zone, it will be five, if you're in Mountain, it will be three, if you're in Pacific it'll be two. But if you click on the links, you can sign up for it and then I will go ahead and send you some emails highlighting what we're going to cover and what we're going to do. I'm going to do it via Zoom and so, depending on the amount of people, we'll be able to see everybody on the screen. It's going to be a workshop, so I'm going to ask you to do some things like breaths, and we're going to do some mini self-care things. But the majority of this is giving you tips and hacks and different ways to think about the holidays and feelings. But I only want to spend about 10 minutes on that. I want to spend more on some of my tips and hacks and then open it up to you in the audience if you have any more, and we can go ahead and share those. It's just a way for us as a community to get together and really talk about it.

Speaker 1:

My final note is remember you're not alone, my friend. My final note is remember you're not alone, my friend, my beautiful caregiver friend. Let's support each other and find ways to make this holiday and don't set yourself up for these high expectations and just doing something, something very, very simple. Maybe it's you're going to watch it's a Wonderful Life. Or maybe you're going to go ahead and after supper you're going to get in the car and your loved one's going to be in their jammies and you're going to be in your jammies and you're going to drive around for 15 minutes looking at Christmas lights. It doesn't have to be this big ordeal. Okay, kathy, you have to stop because I can't give away all of my secrets.

Speaker 1:

But thank you, my friend, for listening to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. If you've liked what you've heard today, can you do me a favor? Can you send me a text message and tell me what your thoughts are? Can you make sure you're subscribed to the podcast episode, because that helps me stay afloat in the podcast space and more people can see it. And better yet, if you are on a podcast app like Apple or Spotify or something like that, can you make sure that you give me a five star. That's going to even help find more caregivers, because my ultimate goal is making sure caregivers like you and I are taking care of ourselves and trying to keep our cup filled so that we can be the best caregiver we can be. Until next time, my friend, we'll talk to you again next week. You have a good rest of the week. Bye for now.