The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Where We Belong: A Personal Pause and Finding What Matters Most

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 250

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In this deeply personal episode of The Caregiver Cup Podcast, I share a heartfelt announcement about pausing the podcast and my services to focus on what matters most—caring for my beloved spouse, Denis, as he battles aggressive cancer. Inspired by Hoda Kotb’s Where We Belong, I reflect on the challenges and emotional journey of caregiving, the importance of self-care, and setting healthy boundaries. Join me as I open up about the tough decisions and soul searching that led to this pause, and offer a message of hope and encouragement to fellow caregivers navigating their own paths. Thank you for your unwavering support and understanding during this time. 💛

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Speaker 1:

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. I'm hoping you're having a good day. It's Kathy here. If you are, please, please, just embrace the small moments of joy, like I was walking yesterday morning and the sun was shining and I felt good and it was like it felt so good. But if you aren't having a good day or things are just not going your way, let me send you a virtual hug and a smile your way. This caregiving job isn't easy and it's important you and I find small moments of joy and, most importantly, time for ourselves amidst all of these challenges and extra responsibilities.

Speaker 1:

On a personal note, let's talk about weather. It's finally a bit warmer here in Wisconsin. I laugh because if you're a southern person, 20 degrees isn't really warm and, as a matter of fact, it was so windy this morning walking the dogs. The wind was 20 some and the feel good temperature was like three degrees. But as I was watching the weather last week, were you one of those that experienced that snow and cold snap in America? If you did, I hope you just embraced the snow and the white that you received. There's something so spectacular about how everything turns white and bright outside and then the sky looks even bluer, but then, on the flip side, I hope you get warmer as well.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I want to start out this episode with a book that I'm reading. You know how much I love Hoda Kotb. While I'm reading her book, finally, the one called when we Belong. It was, I think it was, published in 2016 or 17. The subtitle of when we Belong says Journey that Show Us the Way. It's a collection of inspiring stories about people who find the will and the way to live their best lives. Oh my gosh, these are really nice short stories of people that have just really overcome a lot of obstacles. Well, I was hooked as soon as I opened it up to the introduction and I started reading it. Let me share with you the introduction that I was reading. It says maybe you did it today.

Speaker 1:

You asked yourself what the hell am I doing in this job or in this relationship or in this city? Most of us go there. We float around in this half empty glass, gazing out into the world of possibilities and wonder it is too late to do another question in there. It is too late to do that thing that made me so happy when I was little, with a question mark at the end. Another question could what happens most to me finally be the center of my life? Can I really trust that yearning voice in my head and longing in my heart? What we're really asking ourselves from the gut is do I feel like I'm where I belong? Well, it was as if this book was speaking to me this past week, since my heart has been so heavy, working through hard decisions about my priorities and time in my rough, challenging season, with my husband Dennis as a caregiver.

Speaker 1:

You and I may be seeing similar things like and I kind of transpose these questions how did I get here? Have you asked yourself that Me personally? I've cared for my dad with pancreatic cancer, my mom with her mental disorders and her lung cancer, and my spouse with his transformation of cancer. Seven plus five years going from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma to lymphoma, to a stem cell transplant, to all of it coming back again. All of these moments of caregiving are really very clear to me. But what's not very clear to me is all of the other things that happen in the midst of it. That happen in the midst of it babies being born, parties and celebrations, and Christmases and holidays and birthdays. They're all big blurs. Is it too late? Another question is it too late to find joy and happiness? We sacrifice so much as caregivers and all that stress and burnout takes a toll on us. I sometimes feel numb to it, but you and I know how important it is to find small moments of joy and laughter and fun.

Speaker 1:

Another question what matters most to me right now, or what matters most to you right now? This was like a punch in the throat for me as a caregiver. I continue to ask myself if the small things matter, like doing the dishes, why is that stressing me out and why is that a priority some days? Those unanswered emails that are just overflowing in my inbox. What matters most to me right now? Saying yes and putting in extra hours, especially when I was caregiving for my mom and dad? Another thing is when your loved one is suffering and his future is uncertain. What matters really most to you right now? The other question can I really trust the voice in my head and what is most important right now? You and I know we can't quit or run away, but it can help you determine what's most important right now. When you are feeling this way, obviously you know it's your health that has to be most important your quality time with your loved one and your overall joy that you're going to get in those small moments. And finally, the last question and the last statement that I read in that introduction was do I feel like I'm where I belong? I've been journaling a lot lately and thinking through what's most important to me right now and where I belong.

Speaker 1:

I know many caregivers, and maybe even yourself, go through this. With all that being said, I had to oh, this is going to be really hard for me to say today, but I had to make some hard core soul searching this week. When things get tough and challenging my personality, I had to think about what happens to me. My personality and heart digs into work as a caregiver. I will get busier and bury myself in my business. In my podcast, I've learned that I try to sit with the suck. I'm going to use that word and I move into fixing it instead of just embracing what it is. Trying to let it sit with me. I right away want to move into going ahead and fixing something or figuring out okay, this is going to happen this week. Now I'm going to be away. This is how I'm going to use up the rest of my time. I guess that's why I'm a good coach and can provide content and strategies with you. I know that's why I am.

Speaker 1:

But I've also realized I need to spend more time with myself and Dennis right now and help him find more joy and help myself find more joy. When he feels good. I want to be able to do something fun with him at the spur of the moment, because he could wake up and say, yeah, I'm having a good day and I could say well, you know what, let's go for a ride, versus me saying, well, hopefully you can find something to do, because I have to go ahead and record my podcast and I have to go ahead and create some more content. When things are rough, I want to give him extra support and love, because the uncertainty is not clear right now. I want to be able to go ahead and say what can I do for you? Do you want to watch a movie together? Do you want to watch a movie together? Do you want to go ahead? And you know, want me to make you a chicken noodle soup? And you know I buy the packets because I'm not that good of a cook, but I can buy the packets and cut up the chicken and the veggies and put them in there and you know it's just like homemade chicken noodle soup homemade chicken noodle soup.

Speaker 1:

I want to look back at this tough time with Dennis, knowing I helped him every way I could. I also need to focus on my personal self-care. It's my fuel and my personal joy that I think that I'm. I say I'm doing it, but I put it on a schedule and do it instead of enjoying it lately. I think you can tell what's coming, my friend.

Speaker 1:

I've made the really hard, rough decision to pause my podcast and services right now. Please listen to me when I say pause and services right now. Please listen to me when I say pause, because I've been consistently recording weekly podcasts for four years and providing services for six years and haven't missed a beat. But there's something about this time right now that tells me I just need to break away and focus on my spouse, my family and myself. It doesn't mean that helping caregivers isn't important and this part of me is just tugging at my heart. It's just that I can't keep my cup full right now. It's just that I can't keep my cup full right now. I've been trying to go ahead and my cup is going empty many, many times and it's affecting me personally and my relationships. So the pause isn't going to be formally a goodbye. It's about taking a break and doing what's best for me and best for the season that I'm in. Really, I hope you do this for yourself too. If things are looking tough right now, can you pause and look at what your priorities are? Setting healthy boundaries are hard, but if your health or joy or your loved one is in need of more, you have to make these decisions.

Speaker 1:

And my decision wasn't made very lightly. It wasn't made lightly. I personally reflected on this for a few weeks. I really did. I tossed and turned. One day I'd wake up and say, oh, kathy, you're just hormonal today, and the next day I would feel the same way. The next day I would feel the same way. So I did that personally.

Speaker 1:

Then I said well, I'm going to talk to some people. I'm going to talk to others and not just one person. I first of all talked to Dennis and said hey, I've been toying with this for a while and he knows me. You know, inside and out, we've been married for 43 plus years, so we've been married a long time and he knew the pros and cons and all of that kind of stuff. You do what you need to do, but I can see where you're coming from.

Speaker 1:

Then I talked to my accountability friend, amy, who I've been in the business with for four plus years and we've been meeting for that long and I told her about it and she's a coach and so I talked to her as a coach but I also talked to her as a friend, to her as a coach, but I also talked to her as a friend and she pretty much agreed with me and gave me all of these possibilities to say you know, asked me really really good questions. Then I talked to my sister, connie, who really is a really good listener, and I swear my sister Connie should be an investigator or a detective because she asked so many good questions and hard questions. And she asked me the hard questions. Can you do this? Can you step away from the microphone? Because I've been married to this podcast for four years and never, ever, missed an episode. And she said are you prepared for how it's going to feel? Do you know why you're doing it? Because I can't sit still. What are you going to do to fill the spots, and this is something I need to work on. And then I talked to my best friend, julie, who I bowl with about it, and she just gave me a big hug and congratulated me for going ahead and setting a healthy boundary, whether I went through with it or not. She knows how hard it is for me personally to set a healthy boundary. Then I talked back with Dennis probably about five times after that, now kind of switching into Dennis.

Speaker 1:

I sure hope Dennis can beat this aggressive cancer. He's been fighting this since 2017, but it's never been at the peak as it is now. The doctors have now added chemotherapy pills to his treatment, which means he's getting his infusion treatments every three weeks and he's going to take chemotherapy pills twice daily Because the infusion is fighting the Hodgkin's lymphoma. The chemotherapy is trying to get that non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which isn't curable, down to less than 10%, so we can go ahead and move forward with a stem cell transplant, because we couldn't proceed because the non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is in his bone marrow. Our hope is that the bone marrow biopsy can be done in a couple of months again and we see a good response and maybe then a sedum cell transplant after that, or you know what the other alternative is, and so it just reinforces that I need to be where I need to be right now, if the cards don't align.

Speaker 1:

I want to spend quality time with him, create new joyful memories and do what I can to steal every ounce of my best friend, dennis, which I married 43 and a half years ago. I know I will struggle with the business of this passion work that I'm doing. I know I will struggle with it, but I can go back when the time is right. I will wish you and I will miss you. I'm sorry, I wish and I will miss you, and I hope you continue to hit that text button and share a message with me every week and tell me how you're doing. But I'm going to miss talking into this mic. I'm going to miss getting those messages mic. I'm going to miss getting those messages from you about each and every podcast. I'm going to miss the clients that I've coached. I'm going to miss the people that are on my emails.

Speaker 1:

But my goal is to fill this time with personal time for me and finding joyful moments with Dennis. Maybe I can go that extra mile on a walk, maybe I can drink that extra cup of coffee and my husband is watching Leave it to Beaver episodes right now and I'm like, oh my God. At first I was like I don't want to be here, but now I've learned to just sit with him and watch one. And I'm like I don't want to be here, but now I've learned to just sit with him and watch one and I'm like I could drink an extra coffee. I can record more in my personal journal about this beautiful life I've been given. I also want to spend more time with my children and my grandchildren, who are also coming to terms with their dad's and their grandpa's illness. So I just want to spend more time and really live in the present.

Speaker 1:

Who knows, if I feel something, I might grab that microphone and share some inspiration and you might see a podcast episode pop up. So hopefully you keep following me, or I might send you an email with a picture or two telling you how I'm going. This podcast will be accessible to you. All 250 episodes Today is really the 250th episode for you to go back and listen to. If you go out to my website, there's a little magnifying glass and so if you're struggling with something, just type in anger and resentment or guilt or worry or whatever it would be, and you're going to be able to find it and re-listen to it. So let me wrap up here today with a personal note. I want to leave you with this, up here today with a personal note. I want to leave you with this Life, even if it's most challenging moments in its most challenging moments, has a way of reminding us what truly matters.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes we need to pause, take a deep breath and choose what fills our heart and soul, because that's what allows us to show up fully for the loved ones we love.

Speaker 1:

Right now, my dear friend, I hope you find the courage to prioritize your own well-being, embrace those precious, fleeting moments of joy, whether it's a walk outside, a quiet cup of coffee, grabbing a paintbrush and painting, or holding hands with your loved ones, these moments matter more than we realize.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for being on this journey with me. Your support has meant the world to me and while this is a pause, it's not a goodbye. I'm still here in spirit, cheering you on as you navigate your own caregiving path. Remember you are stronger than you know, you are braver than you feel and you're loved more than you realize. I feel like many of you listening are my friends right now and you're shaking your head saying, yeah, I get it. Until we meet again, I'm sending you all my love, a big virtual hug and a reminder to keep filling your cup one small moment at a time. Take care, my friend. This is Kathy signing off and pausing for now, and I'm hoping that our paths cross again, and who knows, it may be sooner than you think, but remember to, friend, take care of yourself because you deserve it. Bye for now.