The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Feeling Drained? How Just 10% of Your Day Can Refill Your Caregiver Cup

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Episode 253

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Caregiving is an endlessly demanding role, often leading to burnout and stress. Yet, amidst these challenges, there's a transformative practice that can change everything—the 10-10 method. This episode introduces caregivers to the concept of dedicating just 10% of their mornings and evenings to self-care. By carving out these small blocks of time, caregivers can recharge, reflect, and prepare for the day ahead. 

As we explore personal stories and community feedback, we highlight how incorporating simple self-care strategies can positively affect not only your well-being, but also the quality of care you provide. The 10-10 method is customizable—emphasizing the importance of adapting the practice to fit individual needs and lifestyles. We encourage caregivers to engage with one another, share their experiences, and ultimately reclaim their energy and joy in caregiving.

Join us as we unpack the powerful takeaways of the 10-10 method, offering insights and practical tips to empower caregivers to thrive rather than merely survive. Don't forget to subscribe and share your thoughts with us—how will you make your 10 minutes count?

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Speaker 1:

What if you had a simple, realistic way to reduce stress, boost your energy and create space for yourself without sacrificing the care you give your loved one? Imagine starting and ending your day with more calm, clarity and even joy, without adding hours to your already full plate. That's exactly what the 10-10 method is all about. This is a practice you can personalize a small but powerful shift that can help you take back control of your mindset, manage your stress more effectively and navigate the challenges of your caregiving with a little more ease. And the best part, it doesn't require a huge time commitment, just a small slice of your morning and your evening. In today's episode, we're diving into what the 10-10 method is, why it works and how you can make your own. But before we dive into the details of this episode today, I want to take a moment to give a shout out to a few caregivers who reached out to me this week. I got one from my friend Kathy in Massachusetts. It was so good to hear your voice and how things are going. You and your family are always in my thoughts and my prayers. You know what, when I get these fan mail texts, that's what I call them. They're texts, but they're in a program called Fan Mail. It just gives me the inspiration to go on, and you know my theme you are not alone, and so when you send those to me, I'm sending my vibes right back to you. So thank you for Kathy, for taking the time. I also got an email, and it was just a beautiful email from Barb. She said Kathy, you are in my prayers, you are such an encourager. And she went on to go ahead and give me a virtual hug and she said I feel the love in your podcast and the concern in every podcast episode. So that's enough about me, but I wanted to talk about something she wrote after this. She said I've gained so much from so many of them from a podcast perspective. And then she said I am part of a VA caregiver support group as my spouse is a veteran. And she said they have so many different groups and trainings and wellness blips and are now starting a podcast discussion group.

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I was doing a happy dance, barb, if you're listening, or the rest of you. She said your podcast when we Belong was the first one we discussed. There was so much good that everyone got from that. I just wanted to thank you and know that I encourage you in your journey. The reason I read this was oh my gosh, podcasts now can have discussion groups. What I want to encourage you to do is, if you know other caregivers, share the episode. But if there's something really good and you're in a caregiving group or a support group, why not have a discussion? I love it because we have book clubs. Why not podcast discussion groups? Kudos to you, barb, and your VA group for finding resources like mine and others out there to go ahead and have discussions on.

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And then, lastly I don't know the person's name, but she's from Georgia. She said I do appreciate your podcast. She says I listen to it at night as I ready myself for sleep. I listen to it at night as I ready myself for sleep. It keeps me encouraged because, as a caregiver for my spouse since his cancer diagnosis in 2023, nighttime is the most difficult to keep my mind from ruminating, and I find myself empowered by your stories and experience. Thank you. Well, thank you for sending this in, because we all find time to go ahead and find inspiration and listening.

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I'm just curious when you listen to my podcast, do you listen to them on a walk? I listened to a lot of them in the shower. Too much information, I know that. But doing dishes, vacuuming the floor, I do a lot of that as well. So huge shout out. Remember, the text is there for us to stay connected. It doesn't have to be a praise for me. I want to hear what you are experiencing, what your challenges are, what you're doing to go ahead and keep your caregiver life inspiring and keeping you empowered and keeping you going. I'd love to hear. So never, never, in a doubt, do I want to go ahead and tell you to stop sending me the text messages. I want them, so feel free to click on that link below.

Speaker 1:

Well, let's get started, my friend, with today's episode, and I want to start it out with a question for you how many days do you feel exhausted, frustrated and completely drained? I bet it's more than you realize, right? Caregiving isn't just a responsibility, it's a 24-7 job and you, my friend, are the CEO of it, of it all. You manage medications, appointments, meals, hygiene, emotional support, household duties, financing. The list is never ending and keeps going on and on. No wonder nearly 40% of caregivers report high levels of stress and 20% say caregiving has impacted their health. According to the National Alliance for Caregiving. These numbers are huge and they just touch the tip of the iceberg.

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Well, the biggest mistake I see caregivers make is that they focus solely on the 80% of this 10-10 method. The tasks, the appointments, the never-ending to-do list is the 80%. Whether you carry the load yourself or you have help, the weight of it can feel overwhelming. But here's the thing that 80% starts to explode when it affects your physical health, mental health, mood, relationships and more. I know this from my experience.

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I went through a season and this season was just December and January of this year I felt completely overwhelmed, isolated and, honestly, I wanted to give up on everything I loved. I fell into a depression, I think after the official restart of Dennis's cancer and the aggressiveness of it. I started getting depressed, doubted myself and let my passion slip away. I could no longer just sweep it underneath the rug. It felt like I was doing everything for everyone else but not enough for me. But everything changed when I started practicing this 10-10 method and I'm calling it this because I knew what it was, but I had to formally create this daily habit and it became the thing that helped me shift my mindset, really in late January into early February, and take control and reclaim my sense of what we call balance. In my life, which I know, balance is kind of an overused dream kind of a thing. There's no such thing to me as balance, but as close to balance as I could.

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So what exactly is the 10-10 method that I call? Well, it's a habit, first of all, a daily commitment to yourself or myself. It's a promise that, no matter how chaotic or unpredictable caregiving gets, that you intentionally carve out time just for you 10% of your day in the morning and 10% in the evening. I consider it like a whole day is 100%, from when you wake up to when you go to bed. But how can you take care of these? I almost call them like bookends of your day, the parts that you actually have control over, and it could be 10 minutes in the morning, it could be an hour in the morning. What is that? 10 percent in the morning and evening that you could give yourself your day beyond that is 100% full, no doubt about it. But it gives you just 10% in the morning and 10% in the evening, and if you do that, you're setting yourself up for a healthier, happy and more resilient you, and that means you're better equipped to handle whatever comes in between, because there's nothing worse than getting up and just diving into all the things that you need to do, and it's easy to do that but is it healthy to do that? You know the best part.

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This isn't about adding more to your plate. I don't want you to think about it as another task. It's about being intentional and taking small little things and doing it for yourself. If you know you're already going to get dressed, or you know you're going to already have to shower in the morning, or even when you're making your bed, take and think of that as okay. How can I make that my time? I haven't opened the door up to the world of caregiving. I'm still in control of my life, and you want to do that without sacrificing the care of your loved one, and so think about it as you're preparing yourself to go into work or you're preparing yourself to go on stage. It's kind of the same thing. How do you take care of yourself and get this sense of control and reclaim it? Like I said earlier, I was stuck.

Speaker 1:

December and most of January I felt like I was in a fog. I was drowning in caregiving In my business. My emotional weight was so heavy. I was in my head about, you know, oh my gosh, what if this happens? What if that happens? The administration stuff was exhausting. I was trying to cram everything into each day all the tasks, all the responsibilities, all the emotions. I was pushing myself beyond my limits because I'm a high achiever and I wanted to just stay busy. And I created most of this busyness for me.

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And do you know what I left out Me? I know you can relate to this. I wasn't allowing any time for myself. I would wake up and immediately go. I would wake up and immediately go and be on the go. I was in green light. I was in go mode, with no pause, no breath, just go, go, go until bedtime. I felt numb, detached from reality and, if I'm being honest, I was exhausted in a way that sleep couldn't fix.

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So I started small. I took baby steps. At first, I added just 10% to my morning, a tiny sliver of time that was just for me and, trust me, it was hard. But I said I have to figure this out. Some days that meant simply sitting down on the floor and taking a few deep breaths before jumping into my day. On other days it was quiet meditation and just quiet. And, to trust me, it was quiet meditation. I ran the shower and I sat on the stoop on the shower and just meditated and let the water run, and sometimes it was reading a few uplifting quotes to shift my mindset. Then I started giving myself 10% at night before bed. I love 80s music. I love it. I'm starting to even like 70s music and I sang at the end of my night to release the tension from my day, just sang my songs and played my music. Other nights I stretch to relax my muscles and some evenings I would journal my thoughts to kind of shift my mindset, of shift my mindset.

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Even each small act I mean through simple began, let me say it again, each small act, though simple, began to make a huge difference. That's what I get for writing it out and not just speaking it off my cuff here. But it was just small acts that helped me move a little bit further and a little bit further. It was almost like I was giving myself permission to take 10 minutes, to take 15 minutes, to take 30 minutes, whatever it would be, before I got started. I know I remember my mom doing this, even when I would stay over with her. Even when I would stay over with her, my mom was not a morning person and so she would wake up, but she wouldn't come out to the kitchen or the dining area where my dad and I were having coffee and talking up a storm for about 30 minutes and I know it was her just kind of waking up and she'd wash her face and brush her teeth and change her clothes into her clothes, put on her makeup and I could hear the music in the bathroom playing and so on. I think it was her way of kind of giving herself space to wake up, and so I kind of feel like that's kind of an analogy that I can relate to as thinking about my parents.

Speaker 1:

Like I said earlier, though, this has to be your personal approach. Customize it for you. I heard Rachel Hollis in one of her podcast episodes I don't even know which one it was, but she was talking about working out and starting a healthy journey and stuff, and she said if it's not fun, you're going to quit, and the same applies to this. That means it should be something you look forward to, something that feels fun, rewarding, or exactly what you need in that moment. It doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, the simpler the better. The key is consistently. Maybe you have an audio book that you don't have time to read anymore, so you play an audio book when you get ready in the morning and it's your way to kind of escape, or at the end of the night. Making that 10% of the morning and 10% of the evening should be a non-negotiable part of your day. So I want you to start thinking about what you can do. So let me give you some examples, or at least one of my examples, and then I'll brainstorm some with you and that'll hopefully get your mind flowing and spark some inspiration for you, because each and every one of us is different. Let me walk you through, like I said, my real-life example.

Speaker 1:

Last Monday and this happens every three weeks for me right now Dennis has his appointment for his chemotherapy. Last Monday I had a full day, the kind of day that leaves you feeling like you're running from one thing to the next. His lab appointments are at 8.15. So it takes a half hour to get there. So we have to leave early in the morning. His doctor's appointment's at 8.55, and then he gets his chemotherapy, which takes anywhere between two and three hours. We usually get home about 12.30, one o'clock after that and then I do all my catch-up work.

Speaker 1:

So my 10% morning on that Monday had to be simple but impactful, and it shifts for me every day depending on what the calendar holds. I know I needed energy for the long day ahead because I was going to be Dennis's support. I also needed to stay alert and focus on advocacy and asking my questions. And it's Monday morning and I don't remember. I think it was gloomy out in the morning. So I got up at 6am and the first thing that I did was turn on some of my favorite music. I already told you that I love my music and that lifted my spirit. So I decided to stretch, sing, do a little dance while I was getting ready and just kind of made my bed and took my shower and got ready and stuff. I even had a cup of coffee while I was journaling and I worked on my gratitude and I also worked on what I needed to think about when I was going in there. I also worked on my mindset, because you tend to go in the chemotherapy wing or the oncology floor and you kind of feel down and people are nice and people are positive, but you see a lot of sick people. And then I said a quick prayer. So next I made my protein shake that I was going to take along the road, packed my extra cup of coffee and then put some snacks in my grab and go bag and I was all set.

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Well, when I got home, the rest of the day was busy, filled with home tasks and dinner prep, walking the dogs and working, and so that's why that 10% was really important in the morning, although it was shorter than usual, but I didn't lose sight that my evening I had 10% as well. I knew I'd be tired by the end of the day, so I knew that thinking ahead to my end of my day and when I'm exhausted I start being this my negative mindset kicks in the glasses half empty approach. So I made a conscious effort to set aside time to process my day with gratitude, and I do this when, especially on hard days, I'm grateful for Dennis's team, I'm grateful for the nurse that and I put the nurse's name down. You know I look for things throughout the day so I can journal those at the end. I also recorded my thoughts and my feelings and gave my mind a distraction at the end of it, before I went to bed, because I didn't want that to be my last thoughts. So I gave myself a distraction before the end of the day, which that day I decided I was finishing up this book called when we Belong Journeys that Show Us the Way. They're short little stories written from Jane Lorenzi that were given to her from Hoda Kotb and you know Hoda Kotb is like my all time favorite person if you've listened to any of my podcast episodes. So if I could ever have lunch with anybody, that's who I'd want to have lunch with. So I read a short story and they were all inspiring stories, and so I read a short story about where we belong and their lessons learned, and that just kind of gave me a pump up before the end of the night and that time to unwind and reflect on this comforting story.

Speaker 1:

So you need to think about what that looks like for you. So that gets me to what I wanted to talk about. I want you to think about what would work for you. That gets me to what I wanted to talk about. I want you to think about what would work for you. Every season of caregiving, every day, every situation is different. So your 10% can and should be adapted to fit where you are in the moment. It might look different depending on how you're feeling, what you're juggling or even what your day looks like, but I don't want you to give up on it by saying, oh, I'm not going to do anything. Maybe for you, if you're having a really rough morning, maybe it's a smile in the mirror and digging in your closet and finding your favorite shirt. That's all you can do. Or maybe it's I'm going to put on some lip gloss, or maybe, you know, whatever it would be.

Speaker 1:

So I want you to think about for me and I'm going to ask you now and I'm going to ask you at the end too what's your 10%? I want to hear from you what would help you feel more energized, focused or peaceful in the morning and at night. What are some thoughts? Maybe for you it's saying a prayer. Maybe for you it's watching a funny cat video, I don't know. I want to hear from you what is going to prepare you for the day and get your mindset ready for the day, and what do you do at the end of the night. So I want to brainstorm some ideas here once that I thought about for let's start about with the 10% morning ideas are think about you're setting this stage for the day, and you're setting the day with clarity, energy and the right mindset. Well, I talked about music and movement, so maybe you have some songs on your phone that you go to, your go-to songs. Maybe it's gratitude journaling with your favorite cup of coffee or tea Remember, we've always talked about three things you're grateful for. It's going to set the stage.

Speaker 1:

Maybe it's an affirmation saying a simple mantra like I am strong, I am capable, I can handle today. Maybe it's deep breathing, maybe taking deep five breaths. Maybe you sit and do this, maybe you raise your arms up and down and you breathe that way. If you have a little bit of extra time, maybe it's a quick walk or a stretch and you step outside in fresh air and wakes you up. Maybe you feel you need to take a prayer, meditation or reflection time and sit in stillness to set your intentions for the day, especially if it's a harder season, especially if you're feeling anxious or troubled.

Speaker 1:

Another one would be journal your focus. Write one word or phrase for how you want to feel today. I want to feel calm, I want to feel enough. I want to feel strong, I want to feel present. Write it on your hand, write it on the mirror. Another thing maybe you're just wanting to go ahead and focus on your body today. Well, what about a full glass of water before you grab that cup of coffee? Maybe you have a motivational quote or a devotional that's going to get you in the right mindset. Maybe your time, this crazy morning, is just to prepare for the day. Maybe you sit in quiet and saying, okay, I have a hundred things to do today. What are my top priorities? Or, for me, what am I going? Do I have my grab and go bag? What am I going to do? So, thinking about all of these I mean, I'm just skimming the surface. So you want to think about it Now, in the evening.

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Maybe it's an evening reflection one positive moment from the day. The day was I'm going to swear he wants a shit show but I'm going to focus on one positive thing that happened today. Maybe it's stretching or a gentle yoga to calm your body. Maybe it's your journaling practice and you take five minutes to journal all the positivity. Maybe it's breathing exercise again. Maybe it's soothing music or calming music. Maybe it's lighting a candle. Maybe it's evening journaling.

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Maybe it's reading for 10 minutes. Maybe you read something that's inspirational or very much flip it over. Maybe you read your rom-com novel, whatever it would be. Maybe it's sitting down and saying how can I make tomorrow a little bit clearer or give it more clarity? And I'm going to write it down and in the morning I'm going to read it again. Maybe it's positive visualization. Maybe you imagine or you're looking at something that's positive, a picture. Maybe it's just pampering yourself with some gentle skin care and doing that Now, I'm only skim the surface.

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Maybe you want to just wind down and watch your favorite movie. What are you going to do to give yourself time before the end of the day? So don't forget to hit that text button and tell me your 10% ideas. I want to share those next week on the podcast episode. I love to hear how you're making this practice your own and how it's helping you to recharge and thrive.

Speaker 1:

The 10-10 method can truly be life-changing. It's not just about adding another task to your already packed day. It's about making conscious, positive shifts that support your well-being and help you recharge and ultimately give you a break and prepare you. It's your time. It's no different than a mom taking care of a toddler. When she puts her toddler down to bed, hopefully she takes that rest of that day for her. You might have to play with it and find what works best for you, but that's the beauty of it it's a personalized practice. It's not a one-size-fits-all, but a method you can customize and enjoy and really look forward to.

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Remember, the 10-10 method is about prioritizing you. It's about your health, your energy, your peace of mind. If you make it something that you need and enjoy, it becomes a natural part of your day, not just another item on your to-do list. When the weather gets warmer, it's like, okay, I want to get up and watch the sunrise with my cup of coffee and sit on the patio. You know so doing that. I'm excited to try it out and see how it. I'm excited for you to try it out and see how it can transform your caregiving journey. And remember, take it in one step at a time and give yourself grace.

Speaker 1:

And I was listening to another podcast and this lady is all about no sugar and she said if you fall off the bandwagon, don't do it more than two days, but if you fall off the bandwagon and you have to allow yourself one more day to kind of pull your bootstraps up, or pull your back up by your bootstraps, but don't quit, just get right back on and try something else and working on that. So I want to thank you today for listening to the Caregiver Cup podcast. I hope you enjoyed my 10-10 method, especially since it's really brand new to me. It's so brand new to me because I was just weeks ago. I was just in this deep, dark, yucky state and I needed something to go ahead and kickstart. And I needed something to go ahead and kickstart and so I just started trying and testing things and then I realized it's like okay, 10% for me in the morning, 10% for me in the evening. I mean I might be able to get more in the middle of the day, but there's nothing that says I'm going to, but I can control the morning and evening.

Speaker 1:

So remember, my friend, I'm here, this community is here from a podcast perspective and we want to go ahead and band together because you know we're not alone, we're in this together, and so I want you to go ahead and just remember that. And so I want you to go ahead and just remember that. And if you're not on my email list. This is another avenue where we communicate with each other. I want you to click the link in the show notes and find more inspiration, not only audio inspiration, but written inspiration, and there's another opportunity for you to go ahead and reply back and talk about this journey, and if there's things that you want to hear on this podcast, tell me and we can go ahead and add these as well. So you take care, my friend, remember you're not alone and also remember it's important to keep your cup full, and when you do the 10-10 method, you're working on that each and every day. Bye for now.