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The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
When Stress Takes Over: A Caregiver's Confession
Have you ever felt your body physically react to stress before your mind could even process what was happening? That moment when your skin flushes hot, your heart races, and your shoulders tighten into knots—all while your thoughts spin "like a blender on high"?
When an unexpected hospital notification arrived detailing fifteen pre-transplant appointments for my husband Denis across multiple locations—followed by a massive binder of medical instructions—my body's stress response kicked into overdrive. Despite years of teaching stress management techniques, I found myself overwhelmed by the physical and emotional weight of what lay ahead.
The striking contrast between my immediate planning mode and Denis's calm "one-step-at-a-time" approach highlighted something crucial about caregiving stress: we all process it differently. Neither approach is wrong, but understanding your personal stress response is the first step toward managing it effectively. When traditional techniques failed me—the walks, the breathing exercises, even meditation—I returned to what works best for me: journaling my fears and speaking honestly with my support network.
This episode unpacks five evidence-based strategies for managing caregiver stress, from understanding the science behind your body's stress signals to finding your unique outlet for processing emotions. With research showing that nearly 60% of caregivers experience high levels of stress and burnout, recognizing when your body is sending warning signals becomes essential to your wellbeing. Whether you're facing a major medical event like we are or navigating the daily challenges of caregiving, these practical tools can help you transform overwhelming moments into manageable steps.
Text me your thoughts or join my email community through the show notes. Together, we can navigate even the most difficult caregiving seasons with greater resilience and self-compassion.
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Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
Well, hello there, my beautiful friend, and welcome back to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here. I'm so glad you're here with me. Today I want to share something personal and heavy, I think, which I always do, but this one is again a little bit heavier today, something that many of us experience when stress hits us hard. Today we're diving in deep into a day that started with an unexpected delivery and a mountain of emotions that I experienced.
Speaker 1:But before we get started today, I want to give a shout out to those who answered last episode's question, and if you remember back to last episode or if you didn't, you want to listen to it, you can listen to it after this episode or pause it now and listen to that one first. But I asked where do you fall on the loneliness scale? One being you know you're okay to five, which is a higher being, that you are lonely and so I wanted to share a couple of text messages that I got after the episode, and I encourage you to go ahead and hit that text and tell me about yourself, tell me about the episode, what stuck out with you, or answer the question that I always give in the episode. This one I got and it says I started feeling very isolated from the beginning of my caregiving journey 12 years ago. My isolation level is about four. You reminded me today all that I have and how to keep reaching out to my friends, thank you. They always respond and I need to reach out. And if you remember last week's episode I said, most people are kind of leery to reach out because they know that you're busy or they sometimes don't know what to say and sometimes if you just reach out to them to say hey, I miss you, how are things going, that can start the conversation going. Okay. I got another text message and the same answer four for me. She says I miss my friends and my me time but after listening to the episode, I'm going to schedule weekly coffee time with my friends, either in person or, if it doesn't work out, we can go ahead and do it virtually. Another one I got. It says right now I would say 3.5, since I'm in a better season right now, but just a few months ago it was a big whopping five. I was isolated, depressed and lost. I'm working hard right now establishing relationships and self-care. Good for you. I've been looking at an art class and after listening to you, I'm signing up. That's awesome, because sometimes we just need a little incentive and sometimes just getting away and who knows, you might be meeting somebody new which is going to be added to your circle and help you with your inspiration and motivation and your loneliness. So thank you for reaching out.
Speaker 1:And let's go back into the episode today, and I'm going to share why I said the unexpected delivery in a mountain of emotions. It started with me last Monday. Imagine this you wake up ready to face the day, only to be met with a surprise in your hospital app. Not a bouquet of flowers, not a sweet note, but for Dennis it was 15 pre-transplant appointments, all of them neatly scheduled on dates. They were April 1st, april 2nd, april 11th and April 21st. And not just one appointment a day, it was three on one day, four on the next and five on one day. And to top it off, they weren't all in one location, they were in multiple cities around the Friedert Hospital where he was at as well. And as that wasn't enough, our son, matt, then shared with us his appointments that he has for the donation of his stem cells to my husband, dennis, and his appointments were April 4th, 25th, 26th, 27th, and then the big day on April 29th where he donates.
Speaker 1:Well, I remember feeling my heart was racing. My mind was spinning like a blender on high that's the only way I can explain it and then I felt a flush of adrenaline and anxiety. It hit me hard this time. And then on Tuesday of all things. Then the binder arrived, which I appreciate having a paper copy of everything. But the binder included the calendar, the inpatient or I said, patient care timelines and guidelines, maps of the buildings and the entrances, detailed instructions of what to pack, what to expect, where to stay, from Dennis's, where he is staying, to where I am staying, and even a whole big folder with multiple packets for caregiving. I remember opening it and feeling the weight of responsibility pressing down on me. I felt my shoulders feeling really tight. In that moment I could feel every ounce of tension whispering. This is just too much to figure out. This is just too much. My mind was like, I said, a blender on high. Now let's pause for a moment. What does your stress look like when it comes to crash, when it comes crashing in on you? How do you respond? And what I did is I just did some research a little bit.
Speaker 1:The hypothalamus, pituitary adrenal glands they're called HPA kicks into gear during stressful situation. It releases cortisol and that's the stress hormone which affects your body in many ways. For me, the physical signals were flushed skin. I could feel like I was having hot flashes, racing heartbeat, my shoulders were really tight and the nagging mental noise that insists on planning for every possible scenario. I could feel like I was like almost. The anxiety was almost like an excited, stressful, like internal feeling, and it's hard to explain.
Speaker 1:But in the midst of it all, I couldn't help but reflect on how different Dennis and I were handling everything. Because even when the app kicked in with all the appointments and the packet arrived and the big box arrived in the mail, I jumped right into planning mode, trying to control every detail and trying to, in my head, trying to figure out all the things that needed to be done, whereas Dennis he's got such a calm demeanor about him. He said just show me the schedule for now and I'll catch up with the rest little by little. We are totally, too completely different when it comes to responses, when it comes to that, and honestly, neither one of them are wrong, and that's what I want you to think about. You could be different than me. We all are different when it comes to handling that. We all carry our stress in unique ways and sometimes even within ourselves. We may switch approaches depending on the day and the challenges we face and, like I said, there's no one size that fits all when it comes to managing these heavy moments.
Speaker 1:Well, continuing on with the story, during the day I noticed my body was sending me clear signals of stress. My back and my neck were really tight, my heart continued to race faster than it normally does and I was in high drive, almost like a panic mode of trying to get everything ready. You know how it feels when you're like rushing to, you notice that, oh, I got to be somewhere in 30 minutes and I've been lagging and doing my own thing and just kind of relaxing for the moment and all of a sudden you look at the clock and you're like, oh my God, I got to be here in 30 minutes and now you're scrambling. That's how I felt from that panic mode and I was so hot and just overheating so I decided that I need to pause. I told my body, my body told me something is wrong.
Speaker 1:I took a deep, slow, chest, opening breath. And I did a few more of them and, allowing myself to acknowledge that this was a warning, I leaned into some of the tools that I've been teaching and been using myself for years. A simple walk I walked outside and just kind of walked around the yard, a gentle stretch in a movement to try to get my body to just relax. And by stretching and pausing I did box breathing instead of just deep, slow breaths, because box breathing you breathe according to a box. You breathe in on one side, you breathe out on another side. You breathe in on one side and you breathe out on another side, and I imagine myself going around that box.
Speaker 1:Yet even with these tools, it wasn't working. So I tried to meditate and so I sat down and I have this beanie little bag that I sit on and I tried to meditate and I could not stop the mental noise. The relentless puzzle of what ifs and what I should do and how am I going to get it all done, were swirling in my head. So that wasn't working. So I went back to what I know that truly works for me and it's time to journal. It's time to sit down and journal, since slow walk, gentle movement box, breathing and meditation were getting me to where I needed to go, which was journaling. So I wrote down and I had to go ahead and just talk away in a room and just shut my door and I wrote down on the top of the paper and it was really hard. I wrote it down really hard so I noticed that the pressure I was putting on the pen. It says control what you can control, kathy. I wrote that down and then underneath it I said prioritize what needs to be done today. Stop worrying about all the things that need to be done, just worry about what is priority. And then, once I got those two statements out, then I started embracing my body and mind Because I realized I was going into action mode instead of recognizing what was happening and I needed to take a step back.
Speaker 1:I had to understand what is causing the stress. What is causing the stress? It was a lot of info, but it also was, for me, the reality of the situation. It was becoming real for me and I always thought it was a far away and I could just kind of plan for it. But now it was less than a month away and things were starting to go get into my head, including the coordination of everything at home, but it also was the fear for Dennis. So I started writing it down.
Speaker 1:And then I went even further and went ahead and leaned into my listening team and I reached out to my listening team, which is my sister Connie, my girlfriend Julie, and then Dennis, and said why am I reacting this way? I need you to listen to me. And as I was talking to each and every one and they were asking me questions, yeah, it's a lot to me. And as I was talking to each and every one and they were asking me questions, yeah, it's a lot to handle. I don't like to be away from home. I'm worried about the dog, I'm worried about Dennis. I'm not sure I can handle it all. You know, all of these things came out and they were listening to me.
Speaker 1:But then I started acknowledging it's going to work out. Kathy, I am strong, I'll figure it out. I don't have to figure out all of the pieces yet. I just need to take it one step at a time. And then I was able to acknowledge and accept the chaos right now. I even forced myself to laugh about it, and in doing that, dennis forced me to laugh about it as well. He says you're such a perfectionist and a planner and you want all of your ducks in a row. It's never going to work out perfectly, kathy. It's like somebody planning for this perfect wedding or this perfect birth of their baby. Something's going to go different and something's going to not work completely the way you think it's going to. You just have to accept and embrace the journey. And it's true, I was laughing about how anal I am. So then I wrote all the things down that I had to do so I could get them out of my head, because I was starting to have insomnia as well, and so I just brainstormed everything as I was looking at the packets that I had to do, and then I started highlighting which ones are priority and working on them one at a time, and it really wasn't that bad. So my key takeaways for you and why I'm telling you all of this is what can you take away from this? Today in my story?
Speaker 1:Here are a few thoughts that I think might help when your stress feels like it's taking over your body. First of all, our body and our mind are amazing. When we listen to it, your body is communicating with you through physical signals. It's keeping you safe, it's alerting you to the stress. When you notice these signals, take a moment to breathe and reconnect with yourself. You know, understanding your responses can empower you to take action, and take positive action like okay, I'm getting a little nervous and panicky here, I need to take a breath, or I need to grab my journal, and you can reset those stress levels when you have those moments where you can take a break. It's no different than right now. I'm thinking about it because I just went out for lunch with my youngest son and his toddler and when you're raising a toddler and they're having a temper tantrum or they're pressing the button for the 15th time, sometimes you just need to take a step away because it's stressful that way. So kind of listening to your body is the first one. Another key takeaway is embracing your unique response. Whether you're someone who dives into planning, like I do, or you prefer to take one step at a time, like Dennis does, know that there is no right way to handle stress. Each of us has a unique rhythm. Now I'm not saying that you can't work towards a better stress response, but you have to understand your first reaction is always going to be this and so you need to work through that path to slow down your response.
Speaker 1:I love this quote from Maria Shriver. She says take off your armor, dare to be vulnerable, dare to unwrap yourself and dare yourself to be yourself, which means don't mask how you handle stress. I was also listening to a podcast for Rachel Hollis and she was talking about how sometimes we say we're fine, everything's okay, when it's not okay, because we don't want to look like we're the falling apart caregiver, when we deserve those stressful moments and we deserve to say, yeah, it's stressful and I'm working on the stress right now and this is how I'm working on it, but the scheduling and the worry are very high right now for me and be vulnerable. It's okay to bury your soul and show that you are in a stressful season. Another one is break it down when overwhelmed.
Speaker 1:Break your challenges into smaller, manageable chunks or steps. Focus on what you can control, like the priorities or I can't control this how Dennis is going to respond to his stem cell transplant, but I can control, you know making sure that you know he has what he needs, making sure that I'm going to get enough sleep when I'm there so that I can go ahead and be his advocate and his emotional support. You want to focus on what you can control rather than trying to solve everything two at once. You sometimes look at the journey ahead as this big, heavy, heavy, heavy backpack. When you don't have to fill the whole backpack, you can take care of one thing at a time. And then number four, like I did, is find your outlet.
Speaker 1:For me, journaling is my first outlet because by slowly writing things down I'm able to think through the things as well and then find what helps you process your emotions, whether it's writing, whether it's talking with a friend, whether it's going on a quiet walk what works best for you. Let me throw out a couple of these things. Deep chest breathing or deep breathing stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system, which can help reduce your heart rate and lowering your cortisol. So when you're feeling your heart racing or you're feeling like nausea in the stomach and butterflies or that panic, deep breathing can help your nervous system. Versus box breathing has scientifically shown to improve your heart rate and gives you a marker of stress resilience. So you might go from deep breathing because your heart is racing to okay, now that I've got it slowing down, I'm going to do some box breathing to build up my resilience and really really improve my heart rate.
Speaker 1:Now another thing about journaling studies published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology has found that journaling can help reduce stress and anxiety by promoting emotional processing, which I thought is really good. It gives you a chance to process, and what I like about it, too, is you can go back and look at your journal and saying okay, is there a pattern when I get stressed, are these my triggers? And you can identify the symptoms and triggers. Now, a light physical activity like walking or stretching increases endorphin levels, which can counteract your stress hormones. Because if you're the type of person that when you're stressed, you just want to roll up in a ball and go to bed, well then you need to think about okay, I need to work on increasing my endorphin levels, and by taking a light activity or a walk in the summer times it's like managing my flower gardens that helps me build my endorphin levels to the point where I can start managing stress better. And then the last one is mindfulness. Meditation has been shown in studies to decrease anxiety and improve emotional regulation, and this is making a powerful tool for caregivers. And so if you want to decrease your anxiety or improve your emotional regulation and really help you improve your emotions, then mindfulness meditation may help.
Speaker 1:Let's say you have a really stressful day, for example, like Dennis, on the 24th he has to be at labs at 930. And then at the advanced care center he also has to at 1030, have his port taken out and put in a central line pick into his arm. After he's done with that, he moves right over to get admitted and then from there he goes into chemotherapy. Now for me, that's a lot. For me, that's a lot For me, that's a lot of movement, a lot of things going on at one time. And so for me, by going ahead and mindfully meditating to help me decrease my stress, by going ahead and just, you know, thinking about waking up to a beautiful day at Kathy's house, having my breakfast with my spouse, probably doing some hugs and holding his hand before his big day, and then, you know, going ahead and really doing maybe a light walk and just meditating what I'm going to do throughout the day helps me with the anxiety ahead. It's just a mindfulness. Meditation is a really strong tool.
Speaker 1:Okay, number five key takeaway is remember, my friend, you're not alone. In every season, chaotic or calm, we're in this together. I know, talking to you, you've had calm days, you've had chaotic days, you've had easy seasons, you had hard seasons, you had hard seasons. By sharing your experiences, lean on others and remember that every heavy moment is also an opportunity to learn and grow. And it's okay to feel like you're falling apart If you go ahead and identify yeah, and grant yourself some grace and really understand it. And then getting out of it is even more fulfilling when you are able to say this is how I grew from this situation.
Speaker 1:According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, nearly 60% of caregivers report high levels of stress and burnout. And the big thing is, if you let that stress stew and stew and stew in you and you don't find these releases, burnout comes faster. It may be inevitable sometimes in a hard season, but it becomes even harder to tolerate the burnout. But it becomes even harder to tolerate the burnout. Research has also shown that persistent feelings of loneliness can increase the risk of depression by up to 40%, highlighting the importance of social connection in our well-being, which I talked about in a lot of detail last week, but I thought I'd tie that in again talked about in a lot of detail last week, but I thought I'd tie that in again because sometimes some of our stress we react by going ahead and isolating ourself and feeling depressed and lonely. So that's why that social connection is important.
Speaker 1:So, to close here, I want you to know that you are never broken when stress takes over. I want to tell you that first, remember, I almost think about as your body's giving you gifts and letting you know when you're stressed. You're simply human, navigating through these life's unexpected, hard challenges. Each day we have the opportunity to choose how we respond and some days we're not going to respond best. But if you can figure out the majority of the days, then it is. We can choose to slow down, we can choose to breathe, we can choose to take one tiny step at a time. Yes, we can step at a time. Yes, we can. So I want to really first of all say thank you for listening to me in another episode and for being part of my journey and listening to me share my story. If you ever feel overwhelmed, remember that together we can find a way through this. I'm right here with you every step of the way. And remember, text me, tell me what's going through you.
Speaker 1:You could also connect with me on email. If you're not on my email list, go to the show notes and click on the email list and hit that reply to that email list. I can't tell you how many people I go. How many of you. I go back and forth from a caregiving perspective on email. We go back and forth talking to each other and it's so important to do that. So until next time, my friend, I want you to take care of yourself, be gentle with your heart, and I want to just say this is Kathy, your caregiver, friend, sending you love and strength for your following week, and we'll talk to you again next week, my friend. Bye for now.