.png)
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Beyond ‘I’m Fine’: Overcoming Toxic Positivity in Caregiving
Ever catch yourself saying "I'm fine" when you're anything but? As caregivers, we often hide behind these white lies, putting on a brave face while secretly exhausted, frustrated, or on the verge of tears. This episode dives deep into the concept of toxic positivity—that harmful tendency to suppress our authentic emotions behind a mask of forced cheerfulness.
Studies show over 75% of people deliberately pretend to be happy when they're not. While it might seem easier to hide behind the facade of happiness, this emotional masking comes at a significant cost. The disconnection from our true emotions can lead to isolation, deeper trauma, and eventually feeling like we've lost ourselves in the caregiving journey.
One listener from Israel shared wisdom that perfectly captures the balanced approach we need: "This isn't about pretending everything's okay. It's about honoring your challenges and allowing space for joy to sneak in." This powerful perspective reminds us that acknowledging our struggles doesn't mean wallowing in negativity—it creates space for authentic healing and genuine moments of happiness.
Think of emotional expression as a teeter-totter. On one end is the perpetually negative person who brings everyone down with constant complaints. On the opposite end is the toxically positive person whose eternal sunshine feels inauthentic and dismissive. True emotional health exists in the balanced middle—being honest about challenges while remaining open to joy.
When we share our true feelings with someone, even when they're not positive, we foster intimacy and build deeper connections. These authentic exchanges become gifts we offer each other, creating relationships sturdy enough to weather the hardest caregiving seasons. As you go through your week, challenge yourself: What feeling have you been hiding behind "I'm fine," and who will you share it with? Are you living just to make it through, or are you living to make it count?
💌 Want more inspiration, information, and a deeper connection? Join the Caregiver Cup Community Newsletter for my weekly email filled with support and encouragement.
Get my free resource: 17 Shifts To Reduce CAREGIVER STRESS & Say Good-bye To CAREGIVER BURNOUT
Well, hello again and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here. Today's episode we're talking all about emotions and we're talking about these white lies that we tell when we meet somebody up, like how are you doing? Oh, I'm fine, and sometimes we're not, and there's appropriate times when we should say it because it's just being polite, but then there's times where we should be open about it and we're going to talk about that and we're going to talk about the official term called toxic positivity and how we mask our emotions mask our emotions. So let me start out with just kind of a similar it's kind of an analogy slash story that I think you and I experienced many times as caregivers.
Speaker 1:It was a rough night and there was very where you got very little sleep. You spend hours after dinner catching up with laundry and dishes and light cleaning. For me, having two dogs, it's always vacuuming the house because they sprinkle all this magic fur all over the place. When you get done, you jump into bed and you do your bedtime routine and you get into bed but your head's still racing because you know you forgot something and it comes to your mind. You forgot to do the online checking for your loved one. In the morning you keep getting these texts and emails to go ahead and do that. And then you promised a friend to get them a contact name and you promised that you would get to it later in the day and you realize that you didn't get to it. So you jump out of bed and get that done, because you're not going to be able to sleep until you get that done. Well, 10 minutes turns into 20, 20 minutes turns into 30, because you're already up and you see that you need to take care of a couple of more emails. Before you know it, it's already midnight and in the back of your mind you know you have to get up at 5.30 because you have to be at your loved one's appointment for a bright 7 am. I know my husband's appointments are a lot of his oncology appointments. The labs start at 7 or 7.30. It's crazy.
Speaker 1:So the alarm goes off and you just feel it, but you put yourself into this go mode and jump right in and do what you have or you have to do. You're getting yourself ready, you're getting your loved ones ready, you're grabbing whatever you need to go, but you feel exhausted and a bit edgy and everything is kind of that anxiety and stress is just built up right away when you wake up. You set yourself up right from the start. So fast forward. Now You're walking into the doctor's office with your loved one and the receptionist greets you and your loved one and they say hi, how are you doing? Good morning. You smile and you say I'm good Throughout the day. You see the nurse you say I'm fine. You see the doctor and you say I'm fine. You see the doctor and you say I'm good. You see the pharmacist and a few other friends along the way, all greeting and asking you how are you doing? And, to be polite, you tell them you're fine, you're good, you're hanging in there and anything else that sounds positive, even though knowing inside you are teetering on the brink of tears now because you're so exhausted or you're ready to burst out into frustration based on your situation.
Speaker 1:Well, today, like I said, I want to talk about in this episode and we want to dive into the topic of toxic positivity, the white lies we tell ourselves and others to mask our true feelings so we don't come off as this needy or burden others with our negativity. Psychologists describe toxic positivity as the act of suppressing or avoiding our real emotions, and it's a tendency that we eventually lead. It can lead to isolation, deeper emotional traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms, and that's what I want to talk about today. First of all, did you know that studies have shown over 75% of people deliberately pretend to be happy even when they're not and I know I'm guilty of it sometimes and I'm thinking you are as well. And let's talk about why we mask our emotions first. Have you ever felt like saying I'm fine even when you're not? Yeah, we do that, especially with people that we don't know very well, especially if you're in a hurry or you don't want to burden somebody.
Speaker 1:Another question is what is it that keeps you from sharing your true feelings with a friend or a stranger? Is it time? Is it you just don't think that they should have to listen to you? Why do you think you do that? And how often do you think about the cost of these white lies? In the long run, it's easier. First of all, it's easier to hide behind the facet of happiness. It's so much easier, especially when we fear being judged or worried about burdening others.
Speaker 1:Yet not expressing our authentic emotions can cause risks risk of disconnection from others and those we care about, and so what we really need to do is find some sort of balance. We all know that being honest about our emotions isn't about wallowing in negativity. It's about acknowledging that our true feelings are there and expressing a full range of emotions. We also need to ensure that we're not allowing negative feelings to dominate our mindset. Allowing negative feelings to dominate our mindset. Think about this in a way if you're constantly in a state of negativity, the feelings then become a default and impacts of every aspect of our life.
Speaker 1:Well, I always like to bring up the fact of do you know there's two spectrums? Think of it as a teeter-totter, almost. And let's talk about the negative side. Do you know there's two spectrums? Think of it as a teeter-totter, almost. Let's talk about the negative side. Do you know people that are very negative? And I'm thinking about a person right now.
Speaker 1:Every time I say to them how are you doing? Hey, it's nice to see you they always say I'm tired. I mean, I can count on it, dennis and I make this little inside joke with ourselves Okay, we're going to get the I'm tired, and I've come to the point now where I don't even want to acknowledge it anymore For a while. There I'm like, oh, what's been happening? I'm sorry you're feeling so tired. What can you know what's been happening? I'm sorry you're feeling so tired, what can you know? You know what's happening, you know. And then they would get into all the bloomin', gloomin', whatever. And now I get to the point where I don't even want to hear it and so I forced myself not to be this, not this unempathetic person. So I really don't say. I usually say hi, how are you doing? Welcome, come on in, and I don't even ask anymore.
Speaker 1:Or you get somebody like you go to a family gathering and you have to talk to this person, and they always talk about their work being so stressful and hard. And it's a happy occasion let's say it's Easter or Christmas or you know a holiday of some kind and you're like, oh gosh, here that person comes and all they're going to do is complain about work and all you want to say to them is, if you don't like it, go find somewhere else, but they bring you down like it, go find somewhere else, but they bring you down. Okay, so that's the side that you know. That's the opposite of trying to improve negativity. They're just the downer Versus.
Speaker 1:The other side of the teeter-totter is when somebody is so positive that it's fakey, that it's just fake and they're always up and they're always. I mean, they're glass, they're optimistic, they're almost to the, they're an optimistic addict, almost in a way where, okay, you can't be happy all the time. You know something bad happens. You cut your finger and you're like, oh, I'm okay, I'm fine A little, you know, and they're just always. Always I'm fine and they're just always always versus. Oh my God, it hurts and it's almost to the point where it's not honest.
Speaker 1:And so finding balance is the important piece, balance with being honest with your feelings. We all know that being honest with our emotions isn't about wallowing in negativity. That's what I'm trying to get at. It's about acknowledging our feelings. But the good and the challenging are valid and temporary. So we know that the bad things are, the challenges that we face as caregivers are never going to be permanent. They're temporary and we're going to move on and there's going to be things that we're going to be able to express.
Speaker 1:While it's important to experience and express a full range of emotions, we also need to ensure that we're not allowing all of these negative feelings to dominate our mindset or which I'm going to talk about in just a little bit letting our toxic positivity out, just mask what we're feeling. We have to find that balance. Think of it as a way you're constantly in a state of negativity, that feelings can become a default and we don't want that and impact our life. So we want to find that balance. So I want to ask you this question when was the last time you allowed yourself to fully feel, instead of just saying I'm fine? In trying to be honest about it, maybe you go into the doctor's office. They're going to say good morning, how are you doing? And you're going to say well, I'm a bit tired, but I'm happier now that I see you and you told me good morning. You could say something and you're being honest with your emotion, but you're also looking at the positive side.
Speaker 1:Another question is how might your relationships improve if you share your true feelings, even just a little bit of it? If you know me a little bit, I know that people mean well when they say you got this, but for me, you got this is a trigger. As a caregiver, I want to just scream back some days and say I don't got this, and I know that's not proper English, but I'm just following the thing. You got this when, okay, I'm scared, I don't know if the chemotherapy is going to work, I didn't get a good night's sleep and you got this. Isn't something that makes me feel all better, I don't know how else to say it. So I always have to just think about the intent, and maybe people just don't know what to say instead of responding to a comment that somebody says in a negative way, and so sometimes I just let it go. I acknowledge the emotion in my head and say I don't really got it, but I'm going to allow the moment to pass.
Speaker 1:Now I got an email response back from Paula Jean and I told her I was going to share this on the podcast. She's a caregiver in Israel and she's been one of the caregivers from the Caregiver Cup podcast from the very start. She sent me just this one-line statement and I sat with it and went, oh my gosh, what a gift she gave us today. So let me share it. She says this isn't about pretending everything's okay. It's about honoring your challenges and allowing space for joy to sneak in. Powerful, isn't it? Let me say it one more time in case you need to soak it in. This isn't about pretending everything's okay. It's about honoring your challenges and allowing space for joy to sneak in. Honoring your challenges, embracing your challenges and then letting joy sneak in and finding those moments of joy. I just loved it. Thank you, paula Jean, for giving that gift to all of us. On the Caregiver Cup podcast. We're responsible for our energy we bring into the room and into ourselves. But you and I can't hide from ourselves and heal at the same time. We have to go ahead and allow the ups and downs and the good and the bad to go ahead and come in. Now.
Speaker 1:Jamie Kern Lima says from her book what's her book Worthy? I think that's what the name of it is. I have it open. It's all highlighted. She says I love positive and believe that so much of life is the meaning we ourselves attach to things. The meaning we give to anything creates emotion in our body and our emotions create the life we experience. Yeah, we all love the positivity and we believe that so much in our life should be about positive, but we also have to look at the meaning of the emotions that we create as well and embrace those experiences, because we live in a society where we so often have no idea what someone else is going through and they don't know what we're going through most of the time don't know what we're going through most of the time.
Speaker 1:Social media, when we look at Facebook or Instagram or any type of feeds at all, or videos. Social media feeds all the fun, all the perfection. If we share our vulnerable self and be honest in some of those, we can get support and love from most people. But we also can be criticized for it. If I went on there and you know cried or I talked about how hard it was, I wonder how that is received. We're kind of branded and taught to share the positive things and I can fit that mold really well. But I also have to realize that there's going to be good and bad, and happy and sad and frustration and anger and lessons learned along the way. It's all going to balance out.
Speaker 1:Anytime you connect with someone as you truly are and share how you're feeling with someone else, even when it's not positive, you foster intimacy. And this was like a really aha moment for me, because when we share how we feel with one another or our experiences with one another, we build a relationship and we have to think about it as a gift to both of us, especially the person listening to us. They're taking this as a gift, and I feel that way with my sister now because we've had our ups and our downs and we had our challenges and experiences that you know were hard, and we're closer than we ever are now because we experience the good and the bad and the ugly, and it's a gift now that we give to each other and the ugly and it's a gift now that we give to each other. So next time you feel like you don't want to bother a friend or a family member or a loved one, try to see it as a potential gift of the connection you're offering to them both when you call, because you may be feeling something and they might say I feel the same way and that is something remarkable. They just might need it at the exact moment that you need it. So now I'm not saying to throw out your emotions and your feelings and throw up on everybody and give them everything, but you want to try to be honest with them as well. And there are days where I don't even want to try to be honest with them as well and there are days where I don't even want to talk to my sister, connie, or I don't have a lot to say. But if I tell her that, you know I might not be as happy as I am today. I'm struggling today. It's nice to be able to go ahead and be honest. So let me share just a few thoughts here.
Speaker 1:So so let's say now let's go back to the receptionist person and you're checking in at that 7am ungodly hour. You're checking in and she says good morning, how are you doing. And you're thinking in your mind this is an ungodly early time and I didn't get a lot of sleep. You're going to say good morning. You know. You're going to say good morning. I'm a bit tired because this is an early appointment, but I'm glad to be here. It's not. You're not going ahead and making it all. You're not white lying anymore. That's what I'm trying to get at.
Speaker 1:Or another example your friend checks in with you. They send you a text and say hi, friend, so nice, how are you doing? Maybe they say that how are you doing? You can respond back by saying so nice that you checked. Text me, thank you, I needed this today since I stayed up too late last night doing housework and all the administration stuff, but with a bit of coffee and some music and hearing from you, I can make it through the NATO. So you're telling them that you're exhausted and frustrated and that kind of thing, but you're twisting it into more of a realistic twist and you're not just saying, oh, I'm okay or you're not. You know, but if you have a true friend, you know I have a lot of people that I just throw up and say it's a shitty day right now, but you know that kind of thing, and then my friends and I know to look at like a funny video or sending each other a joke, and then that twists the thing around.
Speaker 1:Now let's go back. If you stay in this positive toxicity and never allow yourself to express and feel these emotions and then sharing them as well, you're not doing any of that. You're kind of masking it. There's a cost and I want you to think about these white lies just piling up on you and you're training your brain, this false story of everything is fine, everything is perfect, everything will be okay. Now it's good to feel that way, but sooner or later you need to go ahead and release these white lies that you're carrying, because this can lead to disconnection from your true emotions and relationships. It could stop you from asking for help, it can stop you from looking at your authentic self and you could lose yourself.
Speaker 1:There's so many times where I hear caregivers saying I lost, I don't know who I am anymore or I've lost my life. You know that kind of thing. And I go back to saying what? Have you been looking at your thoughts and your feelings and have you been staying in touch with your relationships with your friends and your family? The only way to have a true, intimate connection with yourself is to fully see yourself, acknowledge what your thoughts and feelings are and embrace who you are authentically. You might be a hot mess right now, but are you embracing and understanding why you're a hot mess right now? You have to understand that so that you can go ahead then and move forward. When you are out of alignment I'll use that term with yourself or you disconnect from who you are truly, even disconnect from your family and friends.
Speaker 1:You can easily feel lonely and isolated, even if you're in a room full of people, even if you're on a car ride with family or friends, even staring in the mirror at yourself, and you don't even recognize who you are anymore. Well, I'm going to give you an example, and I stole this example from Jamie Kern-Lima's book here, but I thought it's a good example. Here it says think about a baby. When you have a baby that's just starting to notice mama's face and they're gooing and gahing and mama smiles at them, or they put their hand up and they wrap their hand around your finger and you're playing with them and they're smiling and giggling and gooing, then, all of a sudden, mom ignores the baby and she's working on something else. Or maybe she's still holding the baby, but maybe she's looking at her phone, or maybe she's talking on the phone or she's working on something else. Well, all of a sudden, the baby then may feel isolated or lonely. Nobody's paying attention to them. They may cry, they may feel sad, because they need the attention. Same applies to you.
Speaker 1:If you ignore your emotions or hide behind this toxic positivity, you may become sad, depressed, angry, frustrated. Think about your emotions that are coming out. You may isolate, you may feel hopeless. Know, caregivers, we're taught to be resilient and strong and be positive, but we also have to take care of ourselves and this is one way we have to do that, we have to work on our inner emotions all the time, because disconnection if we continue to disconnect from our emotions, from our relationships and we don't express any communication, it's a form of trauma that later down the road will come back for us. And this trauma is from and the result is then we're isolating ourselves, we're feeling lonely and we force ourselves then to kind of say, stay away or feel isolated and lonely and this is called a stress response to the trauma. Or feel isolated and lonely and this is called a stress response to the trauma. Instead of going ahead and fixing or stepping out of that trauma, we just become part of that trauma by isolating and feeling lonely.
Speaker 1:And people will use saying I feel isolated, I feel like I don't have any friends. And this may be the root cause that you're not communicating your emotions, you're not building relationship by talking about what's happening in your life right now. I feel this way myself sometimes, because I went out for my lunch with my brother and my sister and in my head I'm like I'm not going to share everything that's happening. I feel like a broken record. I'm talking about getting ready to go ahead for the stem cell transplant, being away from home for 90 days and worrying about this and worrying about that. But if I don't communicate that, I'm not forming a connection. And they want to help me. They want to go ahead and hear what's going on versus. I want to hear what's going on with them Instead of saying, oh, it's okay, no, share that, share that with them. No, share that, share that with them.
Speaker 1:So today's episode is your invitation, my friend, to check in with yourself. Are you honoring your full range of emotions or are you hiding behind forced positivity? Are you honoring your full range of emotions or are you hiding behind forced positivity? Authentic connection starts with you allowing yourself to see imperfections and all. So the next time someone asks you, how are you Dared, answer honestly. I want you to do it in a positive and an optimistic way, but you might just spark a deeper conversation, strengthen a friendship or give yourself permission to heal.
Speaker 1:Now, like I said, you're not going to throw up on everybody, but you're going to go ahead and be honest. Now, some people say it as a greeting and they don't even listen to what you say. But your true friends, your communities, your social groups, your church groups, other caregivers yeah, they're going to say I get it, I get it. You know. You might go to the grocery store and this is the first time you were out all week because you've been with your loved ones and they might say, oh, it's nice to see you, how are you doing? And you might say, well, it's nice to get out, because I haven't been out in over a week. Caring for so-and-so has been really hard and I can't get away as much, and so this is my only outing of the week and you might just share that.
Speaker 1:You're not getting into the deep roots of your connection, but you're at least expressing some of that and you're doing it in a positive way. So I challenge you to do that. I challenge you to go ahead and share that. There are people that you're going to see and people that are going to want to listen.
Speaker 1:So, in closing today, what's one feeling? I'm asking you a question here, what's one feeling you've been hiding behind with the words I'm fine. And who will you share it with this week? Because hopefully you're asking somebody else that question too, like even my sister, because I know my sister works and even my girlfriend Julie. They work in very stressful corporate jobs and so they're going to ask me how I'm doing. I'm going to share, we're going to talk about them, and then I'm going to say I can't forget about you, julie, because I know that your work is so demanding. What's happening this week, how are you taking care of yourself? And we can talk through those as well, and that just builds a connection with each other. So reach out, speak your truth and watch how your relationships and your own well-being transform. Now you could make that with your loved one as well, if you have a close relationship with your loved one, because Dennis and I are having really good conversations now, because the fear and the anxiety is setting in and we might say okay, how is your fear and anxiety today, what are you feeling? And then he might ask me how am I feeling and what can we do to help each other? So I'm just giving you food for thought. So let's go ahead and close today with.
Speaker 1:I wanted to grab a book. Hold on a minute. I want to grab one thing I loved. I'm still in this Jamie Kerr Lima book, but I found this quote here and it says when it comes to your life, are you living to make it through or are you living to make it count. Are you living to make it through? Are you living to make it count? And I'm thinking, count for you? You want to leave this caregiver life someday and be proud of who you became.
Speaker 1:Okay, I better end now, because I just feel like I just could go on a soapbox and just keep going, but I want to thank you for listening to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. I want you to remember this. You are not alone, my friend. We, as caregivers, all face this, especially this toxic positivity, and your real emotions are always welcomed here, and I want to hear from you. Tell me how this has impacted you today, how this has impacted you today. What are you going to do to go ahead and really embrace and find that joy that Paula Jean talked about in challenging times? You have a good rest of the week, my friend, and until next week. Bye for now.