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The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Building Your Inner Circle as a Caregiver
When elephants sense danger, they form a protective circle with the most vulnerable in the center—a powerful metaphor for how caregivers need their own support systems. Drawing inspiration from this natural phenomenon, I explore the emotional barriers that prevent us from building our own protective circles while sharing my personal journey preparing for my husband Dennis's upcoming 90-day stem cell transplant.
For many caregivers, especially those with achievement-oriented personalities, asking for help feels like failure. I've spent decades being the perfectionist who folds towels just so, organizes the dishwasher according to precise systems, and insists on cutting the lawn a specific way. These control tendencies create barriers to accepting the support we desperately need. Whether it's guilt over "burdening" others, perfectionism that whispers "no one can do it as well as you," or fear of losing control, these emotions ultimately harm both the caregiver and their loved one.
Your inner circle serves multiple critical purposes—providing emotional support from people who truly understand your situation, protecting your energy for the caregiving marathon, and keeping you grounded in joy and perspective beyond your caregiving role. Building this network requires intentional steps: mapping out specific support roles, starting with small requests, mixing personal encouragement with practical assistance, scheduling regular check-ins, and celebrating wins together.
Throughout this episode, I share practical strategies from my own experience—creating a private Facebook group for coordinated support, preparing for hospital celebrations from afar, and learning to express gratitude without guilt. The question isn't whether you need help, but rather: what small thing could you ask your inner circle to do for you this week, and who will you reach out to first? Remember, opening up isn't weakness; it's an act of courage and self-love that transforms caregiving from a lonely burden into a connected journey.
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Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here. I want to welcome anybody new that's listening. I'm so glad you're here and, for those of you who are listening, again, thank you for coming back to the Caregiver Cup podcast. Well, I want to talk about last week. The San Diego area had this 5.2 magnitude earthquake.
Speaker 1:I can't remember the specific day, but I do remember seeing the video that the zoo had caught of the animals and how they dealt with Mother Nature and the earthquakes. I was so fascinated by watching these animals. I was so fascinated by watching these animals, especially the elephants. I don't know if you saw the video, but it was just. I mean, it's indescribable.
Speaker 1:Once the rumbling started, the elephants went into what I call protective mode. The mother elephants called their babies, the mother elephants called their babies, and then it was really amazing that the elephants started forming this circle with anybody like. The young ones were in the middle of the circle, they were looking out, so their rear ends were back against the and protecting the babies with their tails kind of combining together and they were facing into the center with their rear ends and then their tusks and their noses were swaying on the outside, and I didn't understand this at first, but then when I looked it up, it says in the wild, when harm is near, elephants gather together tightly and close ranks so that the mama elephants or the hurt ones are in the middle and they're protected, which is really fascinating. It may be from predators or any more harm. And then the elephants stomp and kick up soil and dirt to mask any scents or throw off any attackers. And so when you watch the video, they were moving their paws and it was getting dusty and dirty. They sent a clear signal to anyone that tries to attack their loved ones, while showing their vulnerability in this inner circle. So they have to get through the inner circle first to get to anybody. And I just thought this is such a symbol of the power of an inner circle and you know me, I can't but think of a lesson that that message sends and how beautiful Mother Nature is and how these elephants really protect each other, and I can't but think about us as caregivers. And this past week and you're listening to it on Tuesday, the 22nd, so it would have been I'm recording this on Saturday before, but this past week Dennis and I have been preparing for his stem cell transplant journey, which will be three months or approximately 90 days, and I am really leaning into our inner circle.
Speaker 1:I'll be truly honest with you. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to ask for help and I'm definitely more of a control freak. When I did, when I was in corporate America, we had to do this. I don't even remember what the program was that described our behaviors. I'm looking at it. I can't even remember anymore, but I have the. I think it was the Strengths Finder. Now that I think about it, when I look at it, it says there's five of them and I'm leaning and looking back at my desk because I haven't posted.
Speaker 1:I was an achiever discipline, consistency, focus and responsibility. So you can tell that I love structure, I love to be organized and I like to get things done. And I'll be honest with you, when I have to pass off things to others to help me, my I don't know what it is called my analytical control freak nature in me gets nervous because I don't want to let go of control and perfection. Do you feel this way at all? You know and I could cycle, analyze, you know why, and maybe I'll just share a few things that I went through my head when I was trying to fight off these feelings. I was raised blue collar, my dad is military, my mom is very much a blue collar upbringing and everything was hands on and we did everything. Really, if we could do it, we did it as teenagers and my mom and dad did it. The only things that we really hired help with were the things that we didn't know how to do, like electrical and some forms of plumbing and stuff like that, and I'm very much an overachiever or I want to go ahead and continue to push myself. I have controlled behavior traits, which I just talked about, and I'm the oldest in the family and so I carry on that. You know I have to be the one that does it first and holds everything together. So I mean, I could psychoanalyze this to death and really beat myself up for these traits. But these weird traits, I convinced myself that no one can do it all and no one can do what I can do, and I hate this in me, but this is what I have. These are some of the anal traits, and tell me if you have some of these as well.
Speaker 1:If someone doesn't fold the towels the right way so that they fit in my linen closet. It drives me crazy. I mean you just can't fold them anyway. You have to try fold them so that they fit in my linen closet, so when they're not, it's like I pull them all out and we'll refold them and I have to let go of some of that. Or maybe you organize things different. Do you put things in your dishwasher in a specific spot, in a specific way, and if somebody lays them in there wrong, do you fix them. And I used to.
Speaker 1:I don't cut the lawn anymore, but for all of my 20s and my 30s and my 40s and part of my 50s, I wouldn't let anybody cut the lawn because it had to be cut a specific way. And I finally had to say I can't do this anymore. And so Dennis started cutting the lawn and now Jamie's going to be cutting the lawn. My youngest son, James, is going to be cutting the lawn. I know this is crazy, so I have to go ahead and let go. Then there's this discomfort for me when somebody has to go ahead and come into my home and then taking care of my pets. There's all of these weird thoughts that go through my head. I'll give you.
Speaker 1:Another example is when I was caring for my mom. I took her to all of her appointments and wanted to be there as an advocate because I wanted to make sure everything was covered and we knew, and asking all the questions and being there for discussions with our doctors and nurses. Well, it felt wrong at first, but I had to start asking my brother to go to appointments that I couldn't attend them all, and there's a couple of them that come to mind, and so I'm going to share the one with the eye appointment. I figured you know I've seen this eye doctor before and she needed to go back in for her eye appointment. And really my mom I don't remember what it was called, but my mom had an eye that kept crossing on one side and she couldn't see out of that side and she was getting floaters and stuff like that. So she had to have special glasses to train that eye to go ahead and react right, and so she was going up for follow-up visits and this was her last one and she could pick out her glasses. And so I said to John, I'm like you can go with her and help her get her glasses and stuff.
Speaker 1:Well, I kind of freaked out when she picked out these green framed glasses that were too big for her face. But she loved them because she loved the color, but they didn't look good because she had such a small little face. But she loved them because she loved the color, but they didn't look good because she had such a small little face. But I had to live with it and I had to learn to let it be because she liked them and that's what she wanted. But if I was at her appointment I would have discouraged her from getting those because they were too big, or I would have asked if they had a smaller size. But I just let it be. But it drove me crazy because of that and my brother didn't take notes and didn't ask questions and it drove me crazy. But that's the control freak in me. So as a caregiver, I had to get beyond it and I know you do as well.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about these thoughts and feelings that we get when we have to ask for help or build our inner circle, Because that's such an important piece. The first one is guilt. You feel the guilt versus allowing yourself to grow and adapt to it. You might worry if you ask someone for help and you feel like, well, I'm not doing my fair share, or I'm letting my loved one down, or you're letting yourself down. Instead, you have to flip it over and letting others in is a gift and you're gifting them a purpose. They want to help you and you have to look at it as you're able to refill your cup or do what you need to do. And so when I feel guilty now, I think about it, saying no, that's a gift that they're giving me and what can I do in this? Or what are they helping me do so I can be there, For example, people that are going to help me at home while I'm away. They're allowing me to feel assured that the dogs are being fed or the grass is being cut or the mail is being taken in, whatever it would be. So that's one feeling and thought.
Speaker 1:The other one that I talked about already is perfection versus progress. Right, Holding on to perfection I have to do it perfectly keeps you stuck, can even cause stress and overwhelm. Instead of aiming for that's good enough right now and letting people fill in the gaps. The grass is not going to be perfectly cut. The trimming might not be done. There may be weeds growing in my mulch, that's okay this year mulch, that's okay this year, that's okay when I'm such a perfectionist and so you're learning a lot about me. I even go around like once a week around the house and make sure there's no spider webs hanging on the house. You know all that kind of stuff, but I am just that type of a person I have to let it go Perfection versus progress.
Speaker 1:Another one is fear of being a burden. How many times have you said I need help and I'm so sorry. I know you're busy, that kind of thing, Remember. People want to help and if they're asking, tell me what you need, if you need anything. Most people truly want to help you, and giving them a clear way to show up actually lightens both of our hearts. It makes them feel good and it helps you and you have to stop thinking about it as a burden versus they're helping you in a time of need, right? The other thought and feeling that I want to share is self-compassion as a permission. Every time you notice that tight, I should handle this myself. Anytime you notice that feeling and I notice it as being a tight thought or a pause and I say maybe I should just handle it myself. You need to say I deserve kindness too, I deserve this, I need the help and I need time for myself. That moment of self-compassion opens up the door to asking for support, and we're going to talk about this just in a few seconds. But you need to go ahead and you need to preserve your energy, kind of like you are a energy plant. You need to conserve the energy because, for me, I'm going for 90 days straight and I know that my emotions are going to go haywire and things are going to be very stressful emotionally and if I add too much physicality there by trying to do too much, I'm going to drain that, or even the emotional thoughts. That's going to drain me when I need to be the best I can be and show up as the best person for Dennis, who needs me the most, and show up for myself, who needs to stay healthy and somewhat sane during this process.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about your inner circle. You might be asking yourself why do I need an inner circle, Even in the good seasons as well as the bad seasons, in all of the middle? You need to think about that. You are not meant to go it alone. You are not meant to go it alone and you might say, well, I don't have anybody else and I want you to think about. Just don't think about the inner circle as just your family or your friends. Think about it as all of the resources that you have as well the financial resources that you need to ask for the social worker and the psychologist that may be available, community services, your church. You need to go ahead and think outside of the box and look at ways that people can help and, even if your family is really not very helpful, maybe there's a way, and I'm going to share that in just a little bit too.
Speaker 1:So why you need a circle? First of all, you can't do this alone. When you are the sole point of contact for all medical appointments, updates and 24-7 needs, it's easy to feel like you are an island. First of all, right, and Inner Circle gives you people who get it. Who get it, so you don't have to carry every worry solo. It's just amazing now that I've had this experience with Dennis preparing for the stem cell transplant, where the social worker was a huge help, the psychologist was a huge help, Family and friends reaching out and even a church community and people that we haven't interacted in a long time. Reaching out, it's just, it's been, it's been just. My heart just is so warm right now from that.
Speaker 1:Why you also need an inner circle and I just talked about it is to protect your energy. Think of your inner circle like the elephants protecting the babies in the center of the herd. You close ranks so the most vulnerable are supported. Not only are you protecting your energy, you're helping your loved one because your loved one. Now they see you with more self-love and maybe even happier and healthier. When life throws a curveball, your circle shields you from somewhat of the overwhelm, Another reason why it keeps you grounded in joy and perspective.
Speaker 1:Think about maybe your inner circle is just there to go ahead and provide you with laughter or a coffee break or a quick text check-in. You know that can just kind of just check in with you to see how you're doing. Those moments remind you that you're more than your caregiving role and you may be just saying hey, I just want to check in with you. Tell me something new that's going on. That's not stem cell related, that's not cancer related, that's not all about my loved one. I just want to know what's going on. Or let's talk about the latest controversy over a show that you're watching. Maybe you share a show or you want to talk about anything. You can talk about the latest and greatest stories and just get your mind off of something and you're talking about something else. So I want you to think about who is in your circle, especially when times are overwhelming or tough for you.
Speaker 1:An inner circle can be family, it can be friends, it can be a community. It can be your loved one's medical team or your own medical team. It could be a support team. I want you to think about who that inner circle could be and maybe even write it out. Who are the people that I have in my circle and what are they used for? You know because, if you think about it, you Because, if you think about it, maybe if you've had a career in the past or maybe you're even in a career now you had a work group, a team that you worked with at work, and there were certain people you went for certain things. Maybe you had a church community or you have a church community and you know people from the church community. Maybe you have your family that you reach out to. My neighbors are in our inner circle.
Speaker 1:So all of these things you want to think about, that they have your best interest in mind. I'm going to just take a drink of water here. Once they do. It can be two people, it can be five people, it can be 12 people, it can grow. Maybe you just talked to somebody in a waiting room and it was another caregiver and you finally said hey, do you want to switch phone numbers or text messages and just check in with each other? You could go ahead and build that relationship. I love this quote from Misty Copeland and it was in Jamie Kern Lima's book called Worthy, and she had this in the book and she said anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you. So think about that. So I want to talk about how do you build your inner circle. This is going to be really customizable to how you want to, but I'm going to give you some ideas so that you can start thinking about your inner circle Now.
Speaker 1:You may be in a good season. That would be the perfect time to do it. Or you might be in a rough season. Maybe your loved one needs to have knee surgery. Well, that's going to be a new circle that you're going to have to build, because you may need physical therapy and drivers and people to do what your husband used to do, or you may be entering hospice and that might be another one. So think about where you're at. First of all, I want you to map your ideal circle out. Take some time. Here's a suggestion Draw a simple web, like a spider web and with you at the center, and then label the spokes for different roles, like emotional support, a confident person, that one that you confide in, somebody that runs errands or is a driver or a meal coordinator. Maybe you're in a season where you are not able to cook meals and there's a group that wants to go ahead and drop off meals.
Speaker 1:When Dennis had his first stem cell transplant and he donated his own cells and they just pulled them out, took what they needed and they put them back in. And just very layman's terms took what they needed and they put them back in, and just very layman's terms. My mom was able to come and stay at my house, but I also needed a caregiver for my mom, so people that would check in with her, bring her meals, and then I also needed a round of dog walkers that would walk my dogs and you know, a few times a week, and so it was really nice to be able to go ahead and coordinate that way, Identify one person for each job and being able to go ahead. Now for me, now going forward, Dennis is getting admitted You're listening to this on the 22nd, he's getting admitted on the 23rd, and so for me, I needed all the home help people to stay overnight with the dogs and do the garbage and taking the mail. I also needed help with the lawn care, so all of these things and so I spent some time and listed them all out and then started asking for support. Now I also need support in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where that's where I'm going to be. The housing was one, the nurses for support in the pharmacy and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:I signed up for a support group. I also am thinking about friends that would check in with me. I'm going to hope I find a walking partner so I can walk. They have some sidewalks around the hospital that we could walk. Spiritual support I know at Kathy's house they have a spiritual ceremony once a week, so I'm going to reach out and look for that there. Now, the next thing that you want to think about in how to build your inner circle is start small Rather than just jumping all in, which may be hard for a lot of us to do. You might say I need help, Could you drop off a dinner? Or maybe you have a sibling that, like my brother, John, that I can't let go of this. Maybe you start bringing your sibling along to appointments so they see how you do it and then eventually you can kind of release some of that and share that one.
Speaker 1:Now another example for me for my stem cell transplant journey these 90 days going forward, I created a private Facebook group, and how I did it is I added my family and then I went ahead and, on my personal group, said I'm going to create a private Facebook group for Dennis's stem cell transplant journey. This group is going to be to help motivate Dennis and me. It's going to be to share updates, which I pretty much do every day, but in a private setting, and it's going to be for anybody that wants to help from a support and motivation perspective. And so people responded back and then I added them. And then, as I talked to more and more people, I told them because some people would say, let me know if you need anything, and I said, well, I created a private group and if you want to be added to it, that's where I'm going to do my asking and my sharing and all that kind of stuff. And so I have.
Speaker 1:I think there's with my kids. In my family there's 32 people, so it's not a lot, and not everyone can physically help. I have people that do daily quotes or daily prayers in there, which is wonderful. I have people that are willing to come and help periodically, like leaving the dogs out at lunchtime if my sister watches them, and stuff like that. I have people that will send texts to Dennis personally and after they read it they'll connect with him. So it's been just a really good group and I feel it's small enough and it's private enough where these people I know and trust and I can share my code to my front door in it and different things like that, and I lock it out so nobody else can see it. So that's really nice.
Speaker 1:Now, another suggestion on how to build your inner circle is mix personal and practical support, and what I mean by that is maybe you balance check-ins like how are you with concrete offers, Like I'd love for you to take Lucy, my dog, for a walk this afternoon or can handle mail or bills this week, whatever it would be. So for me I mix personal and practical, because my personal friends are always saying I wish I could do more to help. And I'm like I ask friends and saying, go out to my group and just see what you can do. If you can't physically help on a day, call me and just give me a little hype talk or whatever. And then I also, with friends that want to do more, I ask them for their text number in case I need something. They would say, like our neighbors next door said to us, if you ever don't have somebody to help you and something falls through, don't hesitate to reach out. And I've only had their Facebook messenger and so I asked them for their text number so if something would go haywire I could call them and say oh yeah, somebody couldn't get over there tonight. Can you drop over and feed the dogs and let them outside for about 15 minutes? Can you take in the mail? Or I see there's a package on my front porch, whatever.
Speaker 1:I also with mixing personal and practical support. This is kind of an off-the-wall one, but it's an important one for me. I had a vet appointment with my dog, Lucy, this week and I talked to the vet and said we're going to be out of town for 90 days and so there's going to be multiple people coming in and out of the house taking care of my dogs. Multiple people coming in and out of the house taking care of my dogs. If something would happen, can I just let them bring the dog in? I'll call you, or they'll call you and they're like, absolutely Don't worry about a thing, I didn't need to sign anything, they're just going to get my phone authorization. Knock on wood, nothing does. But I mean, all these little things are important, Okay.
Speaker 1:Another one to think about is schedule yourself regular check-ins. Maybe there are people in your inner circle that you just need to talk to. You know, for me, I'm going to be away for 90 days and the first 30 days I'm by myself at night in my little room. Sure, I have the community and hopefully I'll get to meet a lot of people, but I need something outside the world of just the place I'm in, and I want to just. I'm going to ask my sister Connie and my girlfriend Julie hey, can we check in, even if it's a 10-minute Facebook FaceTime or it's a group thread or whatever, and it just helps.
Speaker 1:Also, another suggestion that I have is if you have a family and everybody's kind of all over the place and doing their own thing, how great would it be to say let's set up a 10-minute weekly call to update you on mom or update you on dad, and I can share the update and you can ask any questions or we can put our heads together to try to figure out something. It takes you from doing it all to saying I'm managing this and I can't go it alone and it works. And obviously people may choose not to be in that call. But truly, if you start saying I'm going to have a weekly call once a week and it's going to be Saturday morning at nine o'clock because that works best for our whole family, and we're going to gather together and maybe your loved one's on that call with you and gives you updates, and then you can talk about what's coming up for the week and they can all kind of band together because you're welcoming in support and questions and people are going to band together.
Speaker 1:Now my favorite one on how to build your inner circle is the celebrations of the wins. They could be your wins, they could be celebrating your loved one, it could be gratitude for anybody that's helped. When someone steps up, even with a small task, I say send them a thank you for being your lifeline today. It could be a text, it could be a quick call, it could be private, it could be public. It reinforces the habit of helping and keeping your circle engaged With this Facebook group, your circle engaged With this Facebook group. I've been really making a point of saying thank you and really going ahead and doing this. This is a big one for me and it releases my guilt in those feelings of guilt. It makes me and my love language is appreciation and giving, so that's probably why too, but it really does, and you know what the person has. I mean now, if somebody donated money and they don't want people to know, obviously you're not going to go ahead and do that a pickle and went ahead and brought in a package or noticed that something was rattling in your house and they went ahead and looked at it, whatever. Those are the things, and here's a couple that I'm planning on doing too Now.
Speaker 1:Dennis's transplant day is April 30th, and so I already scheduled a Facebook event. Now they can't be there, but what I did is I scheduled this event and I said help us celebrate transplant day. We had shirts made and so some people bought shirts and I'm like for those of you who bought a shirt, wear your shirt and take a picture or make a video and cheer Dennis on. And if you didn't buy a shirt, send him a video or send him a text or give him a call. I plan on buying. He can't have latex, but I can buy him a miler I think that is what it's called a balloon. And if he feels good, I'm going to get him his favorite carrot cake and bring him in a piece of carrot cake and we're going to celebrate that. So, whatever we're going to do. So I know he'll be in the hospital for his birthday and so I'm going to going ahead and give everybody his address and saying going to going ahead and give everybody his address and saying if you're a card sending, kind of person, send him a card that day. Or sing him a birthday text and go all out on singing or whatever, Because celebrating, they want to go ahead and see him succeed. That's why they're helping, and so just being able to do things like that, and that fills your cup a little bit as well.
Speaker 1:And so I hope you found this helpful, because, as I wrap up today's episode, I want to remind you that opening up to your people isn't a weakness and this is where I have to drill it in my head all the time, because it's an act of courage and an act of your self-love. When you let go of guilt and lean into gratitude, you'll discover the pure joy of watching your family and your friends and your community rally around you. Caregiving wasn't meant to be a solo mission. It's a team sport. It takes a tribe, and every single person who steps up adds strength to your journey. They're taking a piece of it with you. So take a deep breath, my friend, and let go of your perfection and celebrate the beautiful mess of support that surrounds you. Yeah, it's going to probably be a little bit of a mess, but it's all going to work out, because when we share the load, we all feel a little lighter and a lot more connected. I do. I feel this warm kind of sensation that people are helping and I'm letting go of the guilt.
Speaker 1:So what I want to leave here with today is a quick reflection question, and I encourage you to journal about this.
Speaker 1:You can even text me by clicking on Send Kathy a text. But here's the question what's one small thing you could ask your inner circle to do for you this week, and who will you reach out to first? I really want you to think about it, because everyone at least people know that you're caregiving, People know your loved one is fighting something and they want to help in some way, big or small. So going ahead and doing that. It could be you, it could be your loved one, it could be your home, it could be a meal they want to take, whatever they know, and being able to give it to you.
Speaker 1:So thank you for listening today to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. Don't forget if you know another caregiver, share this with them or, better yet, if you haven't subscribed, hit that subscribe button and if you haven't in a while, gave me a five-star rating. I would so appreciate it. The Caregiver Cup is a top caregiver podcast and the more it gets visibility, the more it can help other caregivers. So bye for now, my friend, and we'll talk to you again next week.