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The Caregiver Cup Podcast
Empowering caregivers with knowledge, resources and tools so they can be the best they can be. This podcast focuses on ways for the caregiver to reduce stress, burnout, can embrace moments of joy in their new normal. Listen weekly to Cathy's personal experiences, coaching, tips, inspiration, and interviews.
The Caregiver Cup Podcast
When Support Falls Short: Caregiver Motivation and Emotional Support/ PART 2
What happens when your support just isn't helping? When encouragement falls flat? When your loved one withdraws completely? These are the unspoken challenges of caregiving that leave us feeling helpless and questioning our effectiveness.
Drawing from my current experience supporting my husband through his transplant journey, I share the raw reality of watching him struggle with severe physical pain and emotional withdrawal. Despite my best efforts to lift his spirits, there were moments when nothing seemed to help. But through this experience, I discovered something profound about emotional caregiving that's rarely discussed.
Sometimes, the most powerful support isn't about motivating or finding silver linings – it's about presence. Your loved one may be carrying physical pain, grief for their former capabilities, fear, and overwhelming uncertainty. In these moments, they don't need cheerleading; they need someone willing to sit beside them in that darkness without trying to fix it. Your quiet presence says, "I see you, and you're not alone," which can be more meaningful than any pep talk.
For caregivers accustomed to problem-solving, this shift from performance-based to presence-based support can be challenging. We often measure our effectiveness by visible results – a smile, gratitude, improvement. When those indicators are absent, we conclude we're failing. But here's the truth: You are not failing. You're facing a hard reality and still showing up.
Equally important is setting boundaries without guilt. I've learned to establish a rhythm that honors both my husband's needs and my own wellbeing – being present during key medical interactions while also taking necessary breaks to recharge. These boundaries aren't selfish; they're essential for maintaining emotional capacity to provide quality support for the long haul.
What emotional boundary could you establish this week to protect your energy? Whether it's a daily break, asking for help, or simply saying "not right now," honor that boundary as a gift to yourself and your loved one. Remember: Rest is not quitting. Boundaries aren't walls that shut people out; they're bridges that help sustain the care we offer.
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Well, welcome, my friend, to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. It's Kathy here. I'm so glad you're joining me today. Hey, last week we explored what emotional support really looks like in caregiving how to show up with empathy, create micro moments of motivation and protect your energy along the way. But, as you and I know, sometimes that's just not enough. So this week I'm diving into the harder side of emotional caregiving the moments that break our hearts, test our patience and stretch our strength. So we're going to cover what do we do when our loved one doesn't want encouragement, what happens when our support just isn't helping, and how do we protect our energy without carrying that guilt and that worry, all that stuff that comes with it? So let's talk about something that doesn't get shared enough as our first part of this episode what do you do when your loved one doesn't want to be motivated? There are days, sometimes weeks, when no amount of encouragement or support will land. Your loved one might shut down emotionally, they might withdraw, they might lash out or lose their energy to even speak to you, and, as caregivers, they can leave us feeling helpless, heartbroken and more Well, I'm going to share just a common one right now that I'm going through in this season when Dennis is going through his transplant process and this happened with Dennis this week. He had major and he's still having major GI issues from the transplant treatment. Hours upon hours spent in the bathroom, this poor guy, the pain that made it nearly impossible for him to sit down, an exhaustion that drains every bit of his spirit. And so, even though he follows every protocol, using the creams, he's taking the meds, he's trying to go ahead and move a little bit instead of just kind of sitting. But most of the time when he stands up he has to go to the bathroom. And I don't mean to laugh Funny-wise, I laugh because it's just unbelievable. Nothing seems to ease his discomfort and when I'm there in person, he talks to me and then he's off to the bathroom. I tried to FaceTime him after visiting hours one night just to check on him. But he gets on the phone or brings up FaceTime and then he drops it and says I can't talk to you on him. But he gets on the phone or brings up FaceTime and then he drops it and says I can't talk to you right now. And he messaged me later and he's only texting because he said I have to run to the bathroom again. And when I was with him in person.
Speaker 1:He's so depleted, he's either frustrated or he doesn't say anything. He's very quiet and if you know my husband, he likes to gab so much that I want to walk away sometimes because he gabs so much. And then there's times when he's even crabby and honestly, who wouldn't be in his situation? He kept saying things to me like I'm not being a very good host to you. You come all this way and I don't want to talk, or I'm just crabby. That one hit me hard when he said I'm not being a very good host here. He was trying to apologize for being sick, for not having the energy to chat or laugh or even engage, and all I could do in that moment was reassure him and I would say you're not here to entertain me, dennis. You're here to heal and I'm here for you.
Speaker 1:When he finally fell asleep today, for example, after hours of discomfort, I just sat beside him and felt this deep sense of gratitude that he was finally resting. He's not the type of person that will go back to bed ever. Once he's up, he sits up. But I felt like I couldn't fix it. I couldn't get him to smile. I couldn't change the situation, but what I could do is be present and I could hold that space and that's where part of my episode I wanted to bring up today.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about how do you cheer up or bring up your loved one's spirits. Bring up your loved one's spirits. In moments like these. The best kind of emotional support isn't about motivating or silver linings. It's about presence, stillness and compassion, even when they're crabby, even when they don't talk. Sometimes all your loved one needs is I'm here, or they need to hear you don't have to talk, or we just sit there and that may be all they need, and that's what they're going to remember. These words say I see you, I won't try to fix this, but you're not alone and you might not be able to fix it, but you're there as emotional support and your loved one is caring so much.
Speaker 1:Think about it. They're carrying physical pain, mental and emotional trauma from being in this situation. They're carrying uncertainty. They're grieving their old self, their fear. Think about it. When your loved one isn't speaking, what are they going through? When your loved one is cranky and that's not their personality what is the reason? It's okay for them to have low days and there's going to be many low days, unfortunately when you're caregiving for your loved one and it's okay for you to have them too and I want you to be that way Even last week I don't remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday I said to Dennis I'm sorry, I'm not really talkative today.
Speaker 1:I'm here, but I'm off today, and I just acknowledged it and he's like that's all right, you're here today. We all have our good days and our bad days. I am blessed to have a husband that's so open and honest with me and I can be open and honest with him Versus when I would go to my mom's and if I was having an off day she would be thinking about. She would be saying things like what's wrong with you? Don't you want to be with me? And that would put me on the defensive and I'm like no, I'm just having a bad day. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is simply sit beside them in the dark until they're ready to reach for the light, and that's what you want to do. So what do you do when you're doing everything right? You're showing up, you're staying patient, you're offering comfort and still nothing changes. Your loved one stays withdrawn, or they're discouraged, or they spiral into these dark thoughts, or you're left feeling helpless, defeated or even rejected.
Speaker 1:This one was common for me when I was caring for my mom, and I'll give you one example. My mom had depression and she always saw the glasses half empty. You know, she had her good days and her high spirits, but when she had her down days, they were very down, especially when she didn't feel good, especially when she was depressed. There were days I would go to her apartment, sit with her, make her dinner and we'd cozy up together and watch a Hallmark movie and deep in my mind, all I wanted to be was to go home. She always loved a predictable happy ending, so that's why we watched a Lifetime movie and for a little while I'd think, okay, maybe she's turning a corner.
Speaker 1:But then, when I'd leave and go back home because it was a weekday and a few hours later I get a call from mom, she was in a dark space again, telling me she didn't want to live, that nothing mattered, and it broke my heart and left me wondering what else can I do? What am I missing? How come I can't fix this? How come I'm failing as a caregiver. You know all those things and here's what I want you to hear.
Speaker 1:If you've been here or are going through it right now, if you've ever felt like your loved one and support is falling flat, please know it's not a reflection on your effort or your heart. Sometimes our loved one is in a place where we just can't reach them, and that's not our fault. Let that sink in. You are not failing. You are facing a hard reality and you're still showing up. I want you to know that, because on those hard days you need to be going back to this and maybe you journal that somewhere. So you're not failing. You're facing a hard reality and you're still showing up. So I want to go through some tips. When nothing seems to land right for you, let's go out. Let's go of the pressure first of all to fix it.
Speaker 1:Sometimes your role is not to change their emotional state, it's to sit with it and sit with them in it. Stop measuring success by their response, and that sometimes is our people pleaser in us. But it's easy to think they didn't smile, they didn't say thank you. They're still upset. Smile, they didn't say thank you, they're still upset. So I must not be helping.
Speaker 1:But caregiving isn't performance-based, it's presence-based. Let me repeat it no-transcript. I want you to pause and assess the bigger picture. Ask yourself could this be a deeper mental health concern, like clinical depression? That was my mom. Are they experiencing unmanaged Well? Dennis had intense, intense diarrhea and his bottom is so raw right now and the pain is so unmanaged that he was lashing out, and really not himself. The poor guy couldn't sit down, and really not himself. The poor guy couldn't sit down. And until we talked more about what could we do to manage the pain, he finally got a good nap today when we got him some pain meds.
Speaker 1:Ask yourself could emotional overwhelm, grief or fear be flooding your loved one's system? A lot of times it's fear. A lot of times it's grieving their old life. A lot of times they're just overwhelmed with all of it. If you're unsure, talk to a nurse, talk to a social worker, talk to the doctor, talk to palliative care. You do not have to carry this all on your own.
Speaker 1:Bring in support beyond yourself. Sometimes the best support you can give is connecting them to somebody else. Maybe it's a spiritual leader, like a chaplain, or your priest or pastor that can talk about spiritual distress. My dad feared dying when he was in hospice care and he was angry, he was frustrated and even when the priest and the laypersons came and talked to him he always talked about. He feared death and he did not want to die. Another support person might be a counselor or a therapist for emotional health. Do they have a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a support person that they can talk to? Or maybe it's a friend or a family member for a variety of conversations? Dennis the other day called his work. He called his boss and said hey, I just want to talk about something else, how's it going there? And that lifted his spirits for a little bit. Or maybe it's a support group so that you don't feel so alone.
Speaker 1:Another tip is to reframe your impact. Even if they don't respond, your support is still received. Reframe that impact. You are planting seeds of safety, love, trust, presence. You may not bloom today, but they are there. Think about that. They may not bloom today, but you are there. Your emotional presence matters, even if it doesn't get a response. You are the anchor in their storm, even when they can't look up to see you. That's hard to take in, because we want to fix it, we want to go ahead and solve issues. We want to bring their spirits up, that sort of thing. It's hard. So how do we set healthy, loving boundaries? Let's talk about something that can be incredibly hard for caregivers and that is setting boundaries without guilt.
Speaker 1:I call it emotional load management. I don't know why, but emotional load management, or a simpler version of it, is imagine carrying an emotional backpack. That's what I was trying to get at. Imagine if that backpack is all of your emotions. You can't carry your loved one's emotions and your emotions 24-7 without breaking down. You can't carry yours and your loved one's 24-7. Just like climbing a mountain, we have to lighten the load in our backpack. You don't take a full suitcase on a summit. You carry the essentials and in caregiving, boundaries are essential. They are not selfish Boundaries, aren't? They are a form of love for them and for you, because if you decide to carry everything 24-7, you're not going to show up as your best self.
Speaker 1:So one of the boundaries I've worked really hard on during this season is right now, in this space that I'm in, dennis is impatient, yet hopefully he gets discharged the week that you're listening to it space that I'm in. Dennis is inpatient, yet hopefully he gets discharged the week that you're listening to it, but I'm not setting my heart on it too much. I'm hoping, but it may or may not happen. But he's in the hospital and I'm at the housing place across the street called Kathy's House and so during this season I'm working on not feeling like I have to be at the hospital from open to close. Visiting hours are from 8 am to 8 pm and I see so many caregivers at Kathy's house here that leave at eight and don't come back to eight and they look exhausted and completely depleted. I did this one day and I realized I just can't do that every day and still show up as a caregiver. First of all, you walk over to the hospital, which is right across the street, and you check in on them, but you sit with them 12 straight hours. Sure, you might have your lunch with you, but just being there 12 straight hours unless something is urgent and it's happening. I found a rhythm that honors both Dennis and myself. Here's what I've figured out that works for me.
Speaker 1:I arrive around 8.30 to catch the doctor, the physician's assistant, talk to the nurses. He has physical therapy. We have dieticians. Usually all of those happen earlier in the morning to mid-morning so I catch those and then I stay in the morning while I see how things are going and labs and all of his IV and stuff. He eats lunch and then we usually go for a few walks in the hallways. But by two o'clock I made the hard decision to say enough is enough and that's long enough for Dennis's situation. He is capable of communication, he's capable of watching TV and entertaining himself and so long enough to be present, I think, and supportive and to tune in with his care.
Speaker 1:And then I go back. I go back to Kathy's house where I eat a later lunch, then I go for a walk sometime after my food, digest a little bit, I maybe do some chatting with other caregivers, I go ahead and do some of this podcasting and and putsy things in and then I have my dinner. After dinner I usually FaceTime Dennis in the evening to check I'm here available, so if something would go wrong I can just go right across. But honestly, I came back to the decision because I wanted to be more grounded, more centered and more emotionally available, because by me leaving I can process everything and then I can recharge and breathe and really show up then the next day as the best caregiver that I can be, really show up then the next day as the best caregiver that I can be and the best Kathy I can be, and so I know everybody's situation is different. But I want you to think about what can you do, because, honestly, what's burning you out would be a question you wanted to ask yourself. And then, if that's the case, then how can you set healthy, loving boundaries?
Speaker 1:Now, asking for support is a boundary too, so sometimes Dennis just needs a voice other than mine, especially now when I sense that that he doesn't seem to want to respond, I reach out behind the scenes to my three boys, my grandkids, friends, co-workers that he might want to connect with, whether it's a short text or a phone call or a FaceTime. It lifts some of that emotional load off my shoulders and, truthfully, it helps him too. Different voices bring different energy, and the same would apply when I leave at two in the afternoon. It gives him an opportunity to connect closer with his nurses. When he's going for walks in the halls he connects with other people my husband's really outgoing, so I know that's one of the things that he can do or the nurses get to. Sometimes I feel like the nurses. When I'm sitting in there, they feel like they're intruding and I'm like no, but when he's by himself, I think he gets a little bit more care.
Speaker 1:Think about it you don't have to be everything to your loved one. You just have to be something and rest when needed, and that's the big thing for you. So now there are loving, clear and non-apologetic boundaries that I want to talk about. That I thought were pretty interesting too, that when I did some research, I'm going to step out for a bit. You can be honest to say I'm going to step out for a bit to get a breath of fresh air or to recharge a bit. I'll be back in 30 minutes. That's a healthy boundary. I love you. I'm going to rest now so I can show up for you later, letting them know you need a break. I need a quiet evening tonight, but I'll check in with you tomorrow. That could be one too, and so you're just kind of thinking about it. Now you want to be reminded.
Speaker 1:Rest is not quitting. I want you to think about this Saying not right now is not neglect. Stepping away helps you return with love, and love, not less. Boundaries aren't walls to shut people out. They're bridges to help us sustain the love and care we offer. So in closing today, my friend, if you're in a season where your emotional support feels invisible, if your encouragement isn't landing, if your present goes unacknowledged or your boundaries feel shaky at best, I want you to know this you are not failing. You're human and you're showing up the best way right now you can, with a full heart of love and a body that already is doing more than enough. The word. I'm sorry. This work is sacred. It's hard. You deserve rest and room to protect your energy without guilt.
Speaker 1:So here's your reflection for this week for us. What's one emotional boundary you could put in place this week to protect your energy and help you show up with calm and clarity? I want you to text me this. Hit that text button. It says send Kathy a text and that goes directly to me. I only see your last four digits of your phone number, just because that's the way the service works. So I don't get your phone number. And it shows where you purchased or where your phone is located. So it shows me that I don't really. If you want to share your name, then I'll share your name. If you don't share your name. That's perfectly fine, but I wanted to provide you with an accountability person here.
Speaker 1:What's one emotional boundary you could put in place this week to protect your energy and help you show up with more calm and clarity? Text me that. Maybe it's a break in your day, maybe it's asking someone to step in for you for a little bit. Maybe it's simply saying not right now. Whatever it is, I want you to honor it. I want you to say I'm giving this gift to myself. You to say I'm giving this gift to myself and if you feel called to share it again, text me. But this is a great journaling activity for you too. Let's talk about it and how you're navigating these hard but holy moments when you text me. So I want to thank you for showing up today and joining me for part two of this conversation on emotional support.
Speaker 1:And in case no one has said this today, it's thunderstorming outside so I'm kind of getting distracted right now. But just in case no one has said this to you today, you don't have to hold all the hope alone. Let others carry it with you. You are not alone in this.
Speaker 1:And when we open our heart to healthy boundaries, we're almost like saying, yes, I'm not carrying all of this. I need to go ahead and recharge and for me, letting Dennis with the nurses and his hospital team for the rest of the afternoon, I'm allowing others to carry it. I trust that he's in good hands. I know that I'm only across the street, so that's how I'm setting healthy boundaries. Don't get me wrong. The street, so that's how I'm setting healthy boundaries. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:I could go into this hole where I feel worry and guilt, but as soon as I do, I click myself out of it and saying stop. I'm being the best caregiver that I can be and I know what I need to do to show up as my best self. And when I'm there with him, I'm in the present, I'm sitting with him, I feel well rested, I feel like I can provide the emotional support that I can. If I do it 12 hours a day, there is no way I'd probably be crying, I'd probably be crabby. So until next time, my friend. Again, thank you for showing up today. Thank you for listening to the Caregiver Cup podcast. It means the world to me. If you like this episode, by all means click the five stars or follow me, or share it with a friend, and remember my friend, you're not alone and it's so important to continue to fill your cup each and every day, even if it's just a small little break Until next time, my friend. We'll see you again next week. Bye for now.