The Week My Caregiver Cup Ran Dry

Ever reached that breaking point where your body simply won't let you power through anymore? That's exactly where I found myself this week as my husband Dennis faced serious complications following his stem cell transplant for cancer.

This raw mini-episode takes you through the emotional rollercoaster we experienced—from the joyful bell-ringing ceremony marking Dennis's hospital discharge to the crushing setbacks that followed just hours later. You'll hear about the gut-wrenching moment when I had to choose between being at my granddaughter's graduation and staying with my struggling spouse, and the Sunday when everything came crashing down around me. I share openly about hitting my lowest point as a caregiver, when terrifying thoughts spiraled and I felt completely paralyzed by fear and exhaustion.

The journey through caregiving rarely follows a straight line, and sometimes hope appears just when you need it most. I reveal the turning point that helped me finally exhale, and why my body's stress response is still on high alert days later. For anyone juggling medications, appointments, and the emotional weight of caring for a loved one through serious illness, this episode offers validation and a powerful reminder: your nervous system needs rest too. 

When was the last time you gave yourself permission to not be okay? To step off the hamster wheel, even for five minutes? Remember, filling your cup isn't selfish—it's essential. Join our community of caregivers who understand that we're all in this together, one breath, one step, one mindful moment at a time. Subscribe now and know you're never alone on this journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Mini Episode Introduction & Apology
• 0:59 Life Without a Pause Button
• 1:41 Dennis's Discharge and Complications
• 3:01 The Breaking Point
• 6:12 Finding Hope at the Day Hospital
• 8:55 Permission to Step Off the Hamster Wheel
• 10:39 Closing Thoughts and Virtual Hug

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to a mini episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. First, my apologies for not getting in a full episode this week and being delayed. Usually I release the episode at midnight and some of you have reached out to me asking about it, and you know what. I am so grateful that you're checking in on me. Just know that I've got one brewing for next week and hope to record it soon. And I wanted to just start out by saying life doesn't come with a pause button right, especially when you're deep in your caregiving trenches, and over the past week, dennis and I have celebrated, we've broken down and we've had moments when it felt like it was way too heavy. So today I want to share just an update and exactly how I hit the pause button and how I'm slowing down and why you might need to do this on occasion as well. So when life throws everything at you, sometimes the bravest thing that you can do is take a step back and breathe. I made a tough call to skip a full episode this week. It feels strange. I feel like I'm letting you down, but your messages reminded me it's okay to lean into rest. You don't have to power through every challenge alone and I like to power through sometimes to kind of forget and sweep my emotions underneath the rug, and you know what my mind and body wouldn't let me do it this time. So let me explain what happened this week or this over this past week. Dennis's discharge got delayed last week due to GI issues and he tested positive for the neurovirus as well. It was nail-biting and I found myself holding my breath wondering how long he would be delayed. And until Thursday he felt better and they gave them the go. And they have this bell ringing ceremony that they do, where the patient reads off of the wall and rings the bell. But my husband's also a survivor fan the survivor on TV with Jeff Protz and it's that million dollar challenge, and the nurses there are survivor fans as well and they do pools, and so they did this really, really amazing ceremony which brought him relief. And Friday morning, when I I'm sorry, when I release my email this week, I will share that video with you.

Speaker 1: 2:47

So Thursday he was actually discharged. Then Friday morning greeted us with more GI flare-ups. And here we go again and his stomach sounded like a waterfall and it just kept going and the poor guy was in the bathroom the whole time and then I'm administering, you know I'm giving him, making sure he's staying, not getting dehydrated, you know, trying to go ahead and make sure he's getting something in his stomach, because he has to take 16 pills right now in the morning, and that'll increase shortly in about another week six pills at noon and 18 more at bedtime. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, and is it all staying down In the midst of it? On Friday my granddaughter, with my very first granddaughter, she graduated from high school and they're about 50 miles from there and so I'm like should I go? Should I not go? I made the decision to get him all situated. He was sleeping in his chair, I had all of his stuff and he's like you might as well go. And I went. It took the 50mile trek to see my granddaughter graduate and I was so proud of her. But the whole time I'm like a worried mother, with your spouse being that sick. So it was hard to leave for the few hours, knowing your spouse is sick. But he made it. I made it back before dark. Everything was fine.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Saturday was an okay day. It wasn't great because he wasn't eating a lot, but the GI issues seemed to be a little bit better. But Sunday I watched him struggle with everything Dehydration, fatigue. If he would eat something he would grab his chest because of reflux pain. My heart shattered at the sound of his gurgling stomach and overwhelm washed over me like a tidal wave. And I admit I hit a low point that I've never, ever, hit in my caregiving days. My mind spiraled out of control with thoughts and terrible. Out of control with thoughts and terrible, terrible thoughts that he was going to pass away eventually and we weren't going to be able to make it. He wasn't going to be able to make it and my body just was in this overwhelmed state and I felt paralyzed. I felt like I couldn't even go on anymore. I remember at the I walked out of the room as he was sleeping because I'm at Kathy's house, the hospital house and I called my family and I talked to my oldest son and I couldn't even get words out. I was so upset and he was wonderful. I've never known that he would be that type of support for me and it brings tears to my eyes knowing that he was there for me. But yesterday, which was Monday, was better.

Speaker 1: 6:10

We went to the day hospital. We had our scheduled appointment at the day hospital at the cancer clinic, and it was a turning point. While Dennis, they took all of his vitals his blood pressure was good, his oxygen was good, his pulse was good, but he lost eight pounds in four days. And hear me, I'm feeling guilty because I did feel like I could did something wrong and the doctor said no, you didn't do anything wrong. This is part of the process.

Speaker 1: 6:41

The transplant is a haploidentical transplant from my son and it's an allotransplant, meaning a donor transplant, and there are going to be bumps along the way to go ahead and get his body to accept the cells. The doctor was so good and talked to us and reassured us we were doing what we had to do and keep doing, and they offered more suggestions and advice. And then they said look at his labs. His labs are looking good. It's like baby steps, but it almost reminds me of there's 100 steps going up to his recovery and we're at three and so it's going to be a long time. The medical team there helped Dennis by saying you have to go ahead and eat tiny bites and really slow, because they stripped everything out of his body with all of the chemotherapy, and by eating fast or trying to eat too much, your body just is saying I can't do it. And so they said, every two hours, just small bites of food and make sure that the food is going to be good, like yogurt or peanut butter and crackers or something good, and then lots of water. And they set up a regular anti-diarrheal medicine around the clock.

Speaker 1: 8:14

In that moment I felt hope. I could feel the tangible hope again. I felt hope I could feel the tangible hope again. You know that feeling when the tide turns just enough, then you can finally exhale. I felt it. I felt it and today is Tuesday that I'm recording it and I went for a walk, and a slow walk.

Speaker 1: 8:39

He had his lab working in this morning and they're working on adjusting some more things, but I went out. I said he's stable now. I went for a slow walk, I drank coffee and just enjoyed it. I carved out quiet time. Because here's the truth Our bodies carry the echoes of every stress spike and if we don't pause to refill our cups, there won't be anything left to pour. And it's funny because my body is the stress and overwhelm is still in my body even days later and it's going to take some time to go ahead and get that back working again and trying to go ahead and lead a pace and up calmness again.

Speaker 1: 9:32

You know, and Whatever you are right now racing between appointments, juggling medications or pacing hospital corridors you have to give yourself permission to step off the hamster wheel. Even five minutes of deep breaths can reset your nervous system, and I think that's what it was. My nervous system is shot right now and I have to go at a slower pace. Shot right now and I have to go at a slower pace, and so I want you to keep an eye open for your inbox later this week. I told you already that I wanted to send you the video because it's really powerful and talk more about how we're adjusting to every new day, whether it be the good, the bad or the ugly.

Speaker 1: 10:18

And remember you're not alone in this and I feel like I'm not alone in this. Thank you for those of you who sent me that text, who reached out to me via email and said Are you okay? I'm not okay right now, but I will be. That's just my honest truth to you right now. We are all in this together, one breath, one step, one mindful moment at a time. I want to thank you for checking in, for listening to this mini episode and for allowing me to show up as my imperfect human self. To show up as my imperfect human self.

Speaker 1: 11:04

Yesterday, I could barely hold it together from an emotion perspective and I'm like things are better. Kathy, why are you wanting to cry all the time? My body's nervous system is still shot. My emotions are still going in overdrive. I want you to know, my friend, you're doing something extraordinary every day, simply by showing up, and I have to keep telling myself that too. So until next time, take good care of yourself and remember, grant yourself grace, but remember, filling your cup is like giving yourself a hug, and I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug. And until next week, my friend. Bye for now.