When Hope Feels Lost: How to Reclaim Your Strength as a Caregiver

Have you ever found yourself in the chaos of caregiving thinking, "I can't do this anymore"? That feeling of wanting to give up is universal among caregivers, especially during prolonged challenges and setbacks.

When I hit emotional walls during  Denis' stem cell transplant journey, I discovered a powerful truth: our feelings, while real, aren't always factual. We might feel like everything is falling apart, but distinguishing between emotional reactions and objective reality can be our anchor in stormy times. I've developed a simple practice called "the what, the why, and the check-in" to navigate overwhelming moments. First, I acknowledge what I'm feeling without judgment. Then I examine the facts of the situation, separating what I know for certain from what my fears are projecting. Finally, I identify one small action I can take today to move forward - whether that's talking to a doctor, taking a reflective walk, or practicing gratitude.

Think of yourself as either a sailor holding onto your compass during a storm or a farmer tending your field regardless of weather conditions. Your caregiving journey requires attention and care every day, not because it's easy but because it matters. Your "storm plan" might look different from your regular routine, but maintaining some structure helps you stay grounded when everything feels chaotic. Ask yourself: Where have your feelings been steering you lately? When have you felt tempted to abandon your plan? What does holding onto your focus during difficult times look like for you? 

You're stronger than you feel in your hardest moments. You don't need to feel strong to be strong - you just need to keep going one step, one breath, one moment at a time. Bookmark this episode for those days when giving up seems like the only option. Remember, we're not alone in this journey. Together, we can show up as our best selves, even through the storms.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Caregiving Challenges
• 1:58 "Screw Your Feelings" Perspective
• 4:29 The Sailboat Analogy
• 6:06 The What, Why and Check-in
• 9:31 The Farmer Analogy
• 11:12 Reflection Questions for Caregivers
• 13:07 Words of Encouragement and Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. Thank you for listening. It's Kathy here and I'm glad you're here today. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of this chaos of caregiving, thinking I can't do this anymore? I bet you have, because I have. Maybe you've sat in the hospital chair too many days in a row, or you run on too little sleep and held your breath as your loved one took another turn for the worse. I've been there too, more now than lately, or more lately, I should say.

Speaker 1: 0:40

This journey with Dennis' stem cell transplant has felt like a challenging roller coaster ride. One moment there's hope, the next we're plummeting into uncertainty. These GI issues have just been kind of a nightmare for him and he can't get rid of them, and so they've tried new medications. Well, overnight then he broke out into this huge, huge rash and he's red and itchy all over, and you know what? It's the worry, the waiting and the emotional drain.

Speaker 1: 1:22

And in the middle of all of it I stumbled on a podcast, because I took a 24-hour pause and went home on Saturday morning and came back Sunday morning and I was listening to some podcasts. One of them was Rachel Hollis, and then I was listening you know I love Hoda Kotb and then I just stumbled on this and I can't remember who said it and I'm rewording it a little bit but there was a poster that somebody talked about that said F your feelings, and I'm going to use screw your feelings instead. And at first, when the person said it, it hit me the wrong way and I'm like I'm a feeler and remember I'm talking all about embracing your feelings and emotions, but the truth under it and underneath it hit me hard, because while feelings are real, sometimes our feelings are not factual and they're not. You might be thinking something and you think the worst and it's not a fact, it's not going to happen or it hasn't happened, and so why am I feeling this way? And I just thought this is a good episode to talk about this way. And I just thought this is a good episode to talk about.

Speaker 1: 2:47

And in caregiving, when emotions try to take the wheel, we need something stronger. We need to really have this plan, our own plan, our own focus and our own higher self to step in and guide us forward, so that we don't get into this feelings and non-factual things. So my message today is you may feel like giving up, you may feel like ghosting everyone or hiding from the world, but that doesn't mean you should. We feel because we're human. We cry because we care, we break down because this is hard, but here's the thing your feelings don't get to steer the ship or steal the car.

Speaker 1: 3:36

Imagine yourself and I'm going to use the analogy of imagine yourself you're sailing across the ocean or the sea and you've got this map and this compass that's going to guide you to your destination and you're trusting that this is going to take you there. But suddenly a storm hits. The winds are howling, the waves are tossing you all around. You might even lose the direction that you're going. And what do you do? Well, you don't toss the map overboard because you're just fed up with the storm. You don't jump ship. What you do is you hold on tighter and your plan is your compass, your focus is your map, and the storm is temporary and it will pass.

Speaker 1: 4:29

And I love that analogy because I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that too. And so here's what I've been doing when it comes to my practices. I call them the what, the why and the check-in, and that's what I call them. So, when I hit a wall emotionally, physically or mentally, or I'm trying to trust my feelings and they're not the facts, I have to check in with myself. And so what I check in with is ask myself after I'm feeling all of this and I don't push it away, like I talked about last week. I don't push it away. I ask myself what are the facts? What do I know for sure about the situation?

Speaker 1: 5:21

When Dennis's GI issues weren't going away and they came back with the biopsy and said it's not GVHD, they've ruled out all of these other diseases from his stools. I had to ask myself, you know, because I thought, oh my gosh, he just for one. Overnight he lost a liter, and that's a lot. You think about a two-liter bottle. He lost a liter of stool. And I'm like I'm kind of thinking he, he keeps losing all this weight. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 5:55

But I had to go back and say what are the facts? And then I have to ask myself why am I feeling this way? And I have to validate my emotions and not to put shame in it at all, to put shame in it at all. I just have to validate them. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm worried. I have to trust the feelings that I feel. I don't trust the feelings and I don't look at the facts like, oh my gosh, is he going to survive this? That's too far out. I don't know that fact. That's too far out. I don't know that fact. Another one is why am I feeling this way? And that is obviously what I just talked about. I think I just duplicated that.

Speaker 1: 6:43

So, after I talk about why am I feeling this way, how can I move forward, is the third question. What's one thing I can do today, not a week from now. What's one thing that I can do today, after I've looked at the facts, figured out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling? What's one thing I can do to move forward? Maybe it's really talking to the doctor or understanding the condition. Maybe it's taking the dogs for a walk and getting my thoughts off of the obsession I have with trying to figure out what his disease is. Maybe it's watering my garden. Maybe it's taking a deep breath and sipping a hot cup of coffee and journaling gratitude hot cup of coffee and journaling gratitude. Maybe it's calling a friend and saying this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm worried about, and just really just talking through it and maybe they'll give me ideas to ask and be a better advocate. Maybe it's talking to my therapist, you know, whatever it would be, but every small act is me choosing to hold onto my compass, not running away from things. So I want to really use another analogy. I use the sailboat one, but I want to use another one that really hit home with me too.

Speaker 1: 8:08

I want you to think about yourself like a farmer. You are farming your land and trying to grow your crops, and if you're a farmer, you don't wait for the perfect weather, right? You can't wait for it to be 70 degrees and sunny. If it's raining or the sun is shining, or it's windy, or if it's cold, you have to get up, you have to tend to your land and follow the plan Because really, to be honest with you, is there ever going to be the perfect day? No, you're just going to have to go through with it. Your caregiving life is your field. Think about it as your field. You tend to it every day. It could be raining, it could be storming, it could be a sunny, great day, it could be a cold, dreary day. You tend to, not because it's easy, but because it's yours, because it matters, because you love your loved one. You're passionate about being the best caregiver that you can be, whatever it would be. So you have to be that farmer and deal with whatever comes with you or whatever comes to you.

Speaker 1: 9:31

So I have some questions I want you to reflect on for this, and these might be some good journaling questions, or you can feel free to go ahead and send me a text with one of your responses here. But here's some good ones I love you to leave with, because I think these will help you working through those tough days, those days where your feelings is getting the best of you. Where have your feelings been steering you lately? I want you to ask yourself where have your feelings been steering you lately, or steering your ship lately? Okay, I know, for me it's sometimes even like a morning where I just feel really down in the dumps. Or Dennis has another GI episode and I'm like here we go again. He's going to be admitted again, he's never going to kick this, and so that negative side of your brain, which wants to protect you, is starting to take over and I'm like I don't know if he's going to be admitted again. I don't know what the timeframe is. One day it's going to magically work itself out, but I'm thinking about the worst.

Speaker 1: 10:49

Another one is when have you felt tempted to let go of your plan? Tempted to let go of your plan? You know, when have you been tempted to let go of your plan? There's days where we all want to give up. There are days when we all want to throw in the towel. There are days when we want to just curl up in a fetal position but ask yourself why do I want to give up? Embrace the fact that you're burnt out or you're just overwhelmed and saying I have to be. Grant myself some grace today, you know, my ship may have to go on cruise control I don't even know if there's cruise control on a ship but or I might have to take a lighter, lighter planting load. Today, as a farmer, I'm just not feeling all together, but I'm still going to go out there and do something.

Speaker 1: 11:43

Another question is and the last question I have is what does it look like to hold onto your focus, to work with your plan, even in the storm? And your storm plan may look different than a sunny plan, but even on those stormy days where Dennis wasn't feeling well, I still walked, I still listened to music, I still talked to my sister, I still did things and work through them. Yeah, you don't feel like it, but you know, in order for you to show up as your best self, you have to go ahead and stay focused. You have to go ahead and keep going. Especially for me being Dennis's caregiver, there's nobody else but me for him right now. I have a tribe taking care of the house front, but I'm his primary caregiver. Sure, mark, my son, will back me up if I have an appointment or I get sick. But in the just-in-time moments where it's storming out, how am I going to take care of this? If we're in the hospital room, I go for a walk to the bathroom and take deep breaths, or I say I'm going to go get a sandwich and I pull myself back together and being able to do that. So think about these three questions. I'll have them in the show notes, but these are good questions to journal about or reflect on.

Speaker 1: 13:18

So to conclude today and come to like a closure for this episode, I have some words of wisdom for you. I know it's hard right now if you're in this challenging caregiving season. I know you're tired. I know you wish things felt lighter, but I also know that you're stronger than this storm because you're working through a plan and a focus. Your plan is still valid, your heart is still big and your caregiving doesn't have to come at the cost of your own soul and well-being. So when you're thinking about it in challenging seasons, maybe one of your plans is to drink, continue to drink your water and eat a healthy lunch. Maybe it's a salad, or you're picking fruit and whatever it would be.

Speaker 1: 14:13

So when the storm rolls in, pause, breathe and reach for your compass. Reach for that plan and let your higher self take the wheel. You don't have to feel strong to be strong. You just have to keep going. One step, one breath, one moment at a time.

Speaker 1: 14:42

I hope you found this episode inspiring and helpful for you. This might be one that you pull out when you are in that I just want to give up kind of mode and pull this back up and play it. Just want to give up kind of mode and pull this back up and play it. It's short enough where you can go ahead and say, yep, I got to listen to Kathy's motivational episode so that I can do it. Star it, tag it, take a copy and put it somewhere so that you know the link and you can bring it up right away.

Speaker 1: 15:13

So until next time, my friend, don't forget. Keep filling your cup, thinking of your plan, for when things aren't going as well as you want them to be, you can go back to saying okay, in this challenging time, I know that I have to continue to go ahead and eat healthy, drink water, take some breaths and maybe go for a short walk. That's an example. You have to find yours. So take care, my friend, and remember we are not alone in this. As caregivers, we're working through this together and when we work through this together, we can show up as our better self. Bye for now.