The Caregiver Cup Podcast

The Power of Boundaries Without Guilt: How Caregivers Protect Their Energy

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Season 2 • Episode 3

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In this episode of The Caregiver Cup Podcast, we’re talking about one of the hardest — and most important — skills every caregiver needs: setting boundaries without guilt.

If you’ve ever felt selfish for needing rest…
 If you’ve said yes when you meant no…
 If you’ve carried resentment because everyone else’s needs came before your own…
 this conversation is for you.

We explore what healthy boundaries really are (and what they are not), why caregivers struggle so deeply with guilt, and how boundaries actually protect both you and the people you love. Drawing on insights from Terri Cole’s “Boundary Boss” and real-life caregiving stories, you’ll learn why boundaries aren’t walls — they’re bridges and paths that make caregiving sustainable.

Inside this episode, you’ll discover:

  • What healthy boundaries look like in everyday caregiving
  • Why guilt shows up when you start saying no — and what it really means
  • The emotional and physical cost of having no boundaries
  • Simple scripts and tools for setting boundaries with family, friends, and loved ones
  • How to handle pushback, emotional reactions, and the fear of disappointing others

You’ll also get reflection questions, one small action step, and encouragement to begin practicing gentle boundaries that protect your energy, health, and heart.

Because caring for others starts with caring for yourself — and boundaries are how you make that possible. 💛

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SPEAKER_00:

Hey friend, welcome back to the Caregiver Cup Podcast. I'm so glad you're here with me as we continue season two, Carrying Your Way with episode three. Last week we talked about creating a rhythm, how to find flow and steadiness and moments that support you in the middle of your caregiving life. But today we're going to talk about something just as important, and that is how to protect the rhythm. Because without boundaries, even the best rhythm gets pulled apart by everyone else's needs, expectations, and emergencies. And let's be honest, boundaries can feel really uncomfortable for us as caregivers. Many of us were taught that setting boundaries means we're being selfish, we're being cold or uncaring. That if we say no, we're letting someone down. That if we protect our energy, we're somehow doing something wrong. But here's the truth boundaries are not about pushing people away. They're not. They're about making sure you can keep showing up. One of my favorite ways to think about boundaries is thinking about boundaries aren't walls, they're bridges. They help relationships stay healthy instead of strained. This bridge helps us communicate clearly instead of feeling resentful. And I also love something Emma Heming Willis said in her book recently about her husband, Bruce Willis. And she said she described boundaries as a path, a path that guides people towards what we can give, how we can show up, and where we need support. So boundaries aren't walls that shut people out, they're bridges that connect us in healthier ways. They're paths that show others how to walk with us, not over us. And that's what we're going to start unpacking today. What healthy boundaries really are and how they become one of the most loving, protective things you do for yourself and the people you care for. So are you ready to begin today? I bet you are. So now that we've reframed boundaries as bridges and paths and not walls and not barriers, let's talk about what healthy boundaries really are and what they are not. Healthy boundaries are not about being cold, they're not about being difficult, they're not about caring less. Healthy boundaries are about caring in a way that lasts. Because we're I've I've said this so many times. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. One of the things I love from Terry Cole's work, and she has, I'm gonna pull the book out from behind me. So just one moment, I gotta grab the book. But Terry Cole by far has the, in my opinion, the best book on boundaries. Her book is called Boundary Boss. It's called The Essential Guide to Talk Through, Be Seen, and finally live free. There's no reference to caregiving in it, but there are so many references that we can use in there. And so one of the things I love about Terry's book is she says boundaries are not about controlling other people, they're about taking responsibility for yourself. And when I mean responsibility, I mean our responsibility to care for ourselves as well, to have the health and happiness and stamina to keep going. In caregiving, this is so huge. When you set boundaries and healthy boundaries, you're not telling someone else what they have to do. You're clearly and lovingly stating what you can do, what you need, and how you can continue to show up in a sustainable way. Healthy boundaries are clear. People know what you mean. They're not guessing. Healthy boundaries are kind. You can be loving and firm at the same time. Healthy boundaries are consistent. You don't have to keep re-explaining yourself. And healthy boundaries are self-respecting, they honor your time, your energy, and your health. And healthy boundaries quietly answer three powerful questions. What I will do, what I won't do, and what I need to stay healthy emotionally, physically, mentally well. And so, really, if you think about it, what I will do, what I won't do, and how do I stay healthy and well emotionally, mentally, and physically. That's it. In caregiving, this might sound like I will help you with your morning routine. I won't, it might also mean I won't skip my own meals. It also might mean I need 30 minutes to rest so I can keep going. And that's where guilt often sneaks in, right? We worry that needing with us, needing something makes us selfish. But here's the reframe: I want you to hold on to this, saying, I need 30 minutes to rest is not abandonment. It's sustainability, it's a power move for yourself. I mean, if you think about it, do you want a surgeon to operate on you when you are the fifth surgery he's doing in a day and he's never taken a break? Right? He's got to sustain and be sharp or she. So when we think about sustainability, it's how you keep your patience, it's how you protect your health, it's how you stay emotionally available instead of running on empty. So healthy boundaries protect you. And because they protect you, they also protect the quality of care you give to your loved one. When you're rested and regulated and emotionally supported, you show up with more passion, more clarity, and more love. That's what healthy boundaries are really about. So, why do we feel this guilt, right? So if boundaries feel hard, if guilt shows up, the second you even think about saying no, I want you to know something isn't right. So think about it. If you're feeling guilty, something isn't right. And and you, I mean, it's a normal human response, but as you grow and become boundary conscious, and you uh become confident in it, the guilt should just be a thought, and you should be able to go ahead and and acknowledge the guilt and be able to say, I'm doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilt. You might feel you're not weak, you're not selfish, you're not doing uh caregiving wrong. You're responding exactly the way caregivers have been taught to respond. Caregivers are wired, and I've talked about this in past episodes, often from childhood or our culture or out of love, to put others first, right? To be helpful, to keep the peace, to avoid disappointing anyone, to smooth things over and to push through no matter how tired we are. So when you start to set boundaries, it feels like you're breaking some invisible rule. You're doing something wrong. And that's the that's the piece we have to train ourselves and teach ourselves that we're not doing anything wrong. Your nervous system is saying to you, this feels unsafe when you feel guilt. Your heart says this, what if they get mad at me? Your mind says, What if I'm letting someone down? That's guilt. That is really we're self-imposing or self-teaching ourselves this. But guilt isn't telling you that you're wrong, it's telling you that you're doing something new. You're doing something new. It's kind of like when you learn a new a new thing and you make a mistake, you feel so uncomfortable, or you feel awkward, or you feel frustrated because you're learning something new or doing something new. And that's part of the process. Terry Cole in her book set calls the pattern overfunctioning. It's when you take on more and more until you you're doing things not no one ever asked you to do. You're taking on things until you're exhausted is overfunctioning, until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Overfunctioning looks like saying yes when you mean no. You don't really have the time or the energy to do it. Overfunctioning looks like you're solving everybody else's problems. Overfunctioning looks like anticipating needs before your own and before anyone asks. You do you volunteer or say, I'll do it. Overfunctioning means or looks like carrying emotional weight that isn't your weight. Overfunctioning feels responsible for everyone else's feelings. Think about it. Are you overfunctioning? And then ask yourself, at the cost of that, what is the cost of it all? Is the cost showing up then as resentment? Is the cost showing up as burnout or emotional exhaustion? Or is the cost losing touch with who you are outside of caregiving? You probably can add some more to that. This is why boundaries matter so much. Because when you don't set boundaries, resentment eventually does it to you through irritability, withdrawal, anger, or numbness. So when guilt shows up as your as you practice boundaries, I want you to remember this. Guilt doesn't mean you're wrong. It means you're growing this new thing and you're growing and you're testing it. It means you're stepping out of your survival mode in all this chaos. It means you're honoring your own needs, it means you're choosing sustainability instead of self-sacrifice. And that's not selfish, that's brave, that's healthy, that's how you keep loving without losing yourself. Because when you look back on it and you look back on your caregiving days, I want you to look at it with how hard they are, but how you sustained it, how you grew, how you achieved and functioned through it all. And so let's talk, though, about the cost of no boundaries. And and I want to honestly talk for a moment about it, because this isn't just theory for me. I've lived it. I've lived it. I've been um on both sides. And there were seasons in my caregiving journey when I didn't have boundaries. I said yes when I'd meant no. I didn't know how I was going to survive saying yes to multiple things. In past episodes, I've talked about spinning plates, and then I couldn't spin any more plates. Um, I've pushed through exhaustion. I've ignored my own needs because everyone else's felt more urgent, and the cost showed up in many ways. I didn't even realize at first. It showed up in my health. I've talked about, you know, gut issues and weight gain, and because I wasn't eating well and not moving my body and carrying constant stress in my nervous system. I showed up in missed opportunities, including stepping away from a promotion. I didn't, I don't regret it, but sometimes I wonder, what if I had the space to adjust instead of you know, instead of being overwhelmed, instead of just walking away from that. I mean, I toy with this all the time, but you know, family is important, but I I wonder what it would have looked like. It for me, it showed up in my energy, in my patience, and in my joy or lack of. And that is what happens when you don't have boundaries. I want you to start thinking about yours and what have you um recognized at what cost? Without them, you say yes when you say no. You start to feel taken for granted. You snap at people you love, you feel invisible, you lose pieces of yourself, not because you don't care, but because you care too much without any protection. And this is where resentment quietly creeps in. You might not even notice it at first, but it shows up as frustration, bitterness, emotional numbness, or this feeling of no one sees how hard this is for me. I hear that so many times from caregivers. I hear it. That's why I always say when we don't set boundaries, resentment sets them up for us. Every caregiver makes sacrifices. We know that we we are doing that now. Every season requires flexibility and compassion and compromise. Yeah, in those tough seasons, boundaries are a little bit looser. But as you practice boundaries, you're gonna be able to sustain more. But the question is, what am I willing to give up? The the real question is, what can I adjust so I don't lose myself? That's the question. Boundaries don't mean you care less, they may, they really mean you care in a way that lasts, that protect your health. That the boundaries they protect your relationships, they protect your future, and you deserve that. So now that we understand why boundaries matter and why guilt shows up, let's talk about how to actually set them up in ways that feel kind and clear and doable. Before I share the tools, I want to say again, I've taken a lot of the words I'm saying today from the book Boundary Boss by Terry Cole. It helped me understand that boundaries aren't about harsh, about being harsh, they're about being honest. But another book that I really recommend too, because I love reading and learning from other caregivers, is two books. Um, Erin Mulquine Gay Gain, G-A-L-Y-E-A-N. She has a book called Bad Ass Advocate. Now it's older, but it truly shares how a group of people, how having a team helped her with her boundaries. And I also mentioned Emma Heming Willis in the unexpected journey. Obviously, we know a little bit more about Bruce Willis, but she had to set some really intentional and hard boundaries for because she was raising two young children as well. These voices remind me that boundaries aren't a theory, they're survival tools for caregivers. And each of us will have to figure out what our boundaries are because each of us are different and we each of our situations are different. But the tools I'm going to give you today will help you from a practical standpoint. Tool number one is really called the I feel slash I need script. I feel or I need. This comes straight from uh Terry Cole's work and is incredibly powerful because it keeps the focus on you. So you there's a statement here that says I feel, and then there's a dash, when dash this happens and I need this. So I'm giving you an example of I feel when it happens and I need, I feel overwhelmed when decisions change at the last minute, and I need to agree on plans ahead of time. So if your loved one, you know, changes something up or wants to go and do something different, and you're working full-time, that might be one. Another example is I feel anxious when I don't know what to expect, and I need clear communication. So those are some examples. You're you're you want to think about the situation, and then you want to talk about how you feel when the situation happens and what you need for that, you know, and sometimes a situation might not be ideal. I feel overwhelmed when mom has an accident, and I need, you know. Help, or I need, you know, ideas on how to handle it, or um, or when mom slipped in the if my your mom slipped in the shower, you might realize that you need support because you're not trained in that. This isn't blaming, it's honest, and it gives the other person a path forward. Examples. So I think about another example. Um, I feel overwhelmed when I I have to work full-time, get mom's meal on, run to the grocery store, you know, administer medication, you know, the day-to-day stuff. And I need to figure out other ways to for uh efficiencies or support. And it might be something as simple as I'm not gonna go to the grocery store anymore. I'm gonna have it delivered. I'm not going to go ahead and go to the pharmacy. I'm gonna have it uh delivered for$5 and have it delivered to the house. That might be something that will take some things off your plate, or I need a day off, that kind of thing. Okay, so the first one is thinking about how you feel and what you need. The second one is called the gentle no. You don't need a story, you don't need a justification, you don't need to prove you're exhausted enough to deserve a boundary. Try some simple phrases like this. I'm not able to do that right now. That doesn't work for me. I need to protect my energy today. Think about the short and clear phases or phrases I mean, that you can say, like if you're dealing with, you know, all of the, you know, maybe there's uh siblings, and you have to figure out, you know, who's going to go ahead and take care of dad today. I'm not able to do this today. You know, by saying that, you're being short, kind, and clear. That doesn't work for me. You know, you you can you don't have to say anything more. I tend to go over and over and over and justifying it. But why? If they know you're working full time or they've known you've you've pulled, you know, three night shifts with dad and you need a break? Yeah. Tool number three, the repeat and release. This one is hard and powerful. When someone pushes back and you don't owe an a new explanation, you simply repeat the boundary. I'm not able to do that. I understand, and I'm not able to do that. Um, constantly teaches people how to treat you. I I I think about it with with my mom a lot because I was juggling my mom and my spouse at the same time. And mom needed to get to her appointments, some of them doctor's appointments, some of them dental appointments, some of them hair appointments, some of them, you know, she just needed somebody to come over and take care of something at home. And I would always say yes and try to figure out a time instead of I'm not able to do this right now. Can you ask John or can you ask, you know, somebody else, the the the neighbor or whatever? And because it it that was the piece by repeating and releasing it, letting them do it in a kind and genuous day. And I would right away apologize. And really, when you're setting a boundary, you're setting a boundary. So number four is boundaries with a loved one you care for. These are the hardest because love and guilt get tangled in. You know, try phrases like, I love you and I need 10 minutes to reset. When they say, you know, can you come and get this for me? And I'd be working in in situations where my mom wasn't feeling well, and I'd be working from my mom's kitchen table, and you know, she would need something. And I'm like, is it an emergency, mom? Or can you give me 10 minutes? I need 10 minutes to wrap up this. And um, she would, you know, she would kind of take offense at a while, but then I would say, I love you, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Um, or saying, I'll come back after I take a break, you know, kind of thing, because when you're cooking for your loved one and then they're eating, and then you have to do the dishes and whatever, you don't actually get a break. And you're by you taking a break, and I found the best breaks for me when you're at home caring for a loved one is going out for a walk because you're away from them and you're telling them, let me get some walk-in and some fresh air. I need to reset my you know, clock or whatever. Or maybe I can help after I eat or rest. These boundaries protect your compassion from turning into burnout. Now, I know you're probably saying, I can't do this, I can't do this, but think of other things. Don't just think of these examples. You think of different boundaries and think of the demands for your loved one and where you're most frustrated when you feel and you need something. Okay, let's talk about how to handle the pushback though. Pushback guilt and emotional reactions. When you start setting boundaries, it's not just the logistics that change, it's the emotional dynamics too. And here's something I've learned the hard way. The more we see healthy boundaries modeled, the safer it feels to set ours. And so as you look around, pay attention to healthy boundaries. Pay attention if you're watching a show, somebody setting a healthy boundary, pay attention to your family and friends around you and what boundaries they're setting. What is a healthy boundary? When we hear other caregivers say, I took a break, or I said no, it reminds us we're not doing something wrong. We're doing something healthy and we should applaud that. But in real life, especially with the people we most love, it doesn't always feel that simple. People may push back, they may get upset, they may feel hurt, they may say things that tug at your heart. Well, Terry Cole in her book says people who benefited from your lack of boundaries will resist your new ones because you've always said yes, because you've always done it. And so you don't want to just flip the switch, you want to start gradually working into some, you know, kind of thing. It might be something as simple as after you do the dishes and get all of the meals done, and your loved one asks for something, or they, you know, wouldn't want to do something, you might say, I need about five minutes to relax and put my feet up because I just got done cooking the meal and eating and dishes. And if you just give me five minutes, I probably will feel more refreshed or whatever. So start small. That resistance doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it means the relationship is adjusting. I remember this so clear with my mom, and I'm giving you an example. When I started setting boundaries, she would sometimes say to me, like, don't you love me? And those words would cut through me. They made me feel guilty. They made me question myself, they made me want to immediately undo my boundaries. The one I remember the most is I used to go over there when she was at her apartment. I would stop over every day or every other day, checking in with her, running, getting picking her up something, doing something with her. And I realized I was just running myself ragged. I can't believe I did it until I actually felt it. And so I had to have this really good discussion with my mom to say, it's really wearing on me, and I can't keep coming over here every single day or every. Sometimes I would go over after work or whatever, because I felt like I needed to check in on her because I didn't want her to be lonely and all this kind of stuff. And I said, you know what? Let's figure out and let's do Sunday as our day. And we're gonna call it Sunday fun day, where you save anything that you need to get done, and save that. I'll work on your bills, we'll get your groceries, and then we'll do something fun together, like go out for dinner or something like that, instead of running over there. And we we agree to that now, and then we talk to each other twice a week or whatever, and that seemed to be better. But at first, oh my god, I felt so guilty, and I learned how to respond her honestly and with care, and I had to say things like I needed some time to get my homework done, I needed time to go ahead and spend a dinner with Dennis and being able to do this. And um, and then, like, for example, I couldn't run her to every appointment, and she would be like, This has got to be too much for you. I'm so sorry. I'm doing all this for you, and she'd make me feel guilty. And I said, No, you know what? I talked to John today, and uh, I need to get to work on, you know, on the days that you have your hair appointments. So John is taking your appointment, and guess what? He's really excited to spend the day with you. And so being able to adapt and twist things around is what works well in thinking about your loved one. That's what boundaries look like in real life. They're not harsh, they're not cold, they're just clear, loving, and grounded. And being able to go ahead and figure out what works for you. And here's something really important. When you've been saying yes for a long time, it takes time for everyone to adjust when you say no. They may be shocked for a while. That's why honest conversations matter, not dramatic ones, not defensive ones, just honest, heart-centered ones. You're not taking love away. You're teaching people how to love you in a way that doesn't cost you your health and your energy and your identity. Guilt will show up and let it. Then choose yourself anyway. And remember, when guilt shows up, what did we say? You're learning, you're growing. This is new, and so you're choosing yourself and you're choosing sustainability because guilt doesn't mean you're wrong, it means you're growing. So, like we've done in the last episode, where I'm gonna give you some reflection questions. And if you're on my email list, um, definitely go ahead and you'll be see these questions. If you're not on my email list, click that text button and tell me what your email is and your name, and I'll get you added to the email list. But here are the questions: Where do I feel most drained right now? Without judgment, just notice it. Where do you feel most drained? Who and what is crossing my boundaries? This might be a person, a habit, a schedule, or even your own experience. It could be self-inflicted, uh, it could be your schedule and the demands, it could be a habit that you need to shift, or it could be your loved one or a person at work or whatever. And then what is one boundary you need to set this week? One not a huge life overhaul, just one small loving line in the sand. Go back to, you know, when I feel when I feel this is what I need to do. When I feel whatever's happening, this is what I need to do. And then what am I afraid? Or what am I afraid will happen if I say no or if I shift a boundary? It's just revealing. You know that you're gonna feel guilty, or you're gonna you might even be a control freak, if you want to just be honest, and you don't you don't see anybody that can do it better than you, then that's another discussion to have. But yeah, you have to go ahead and say, What am I afraid of? You know, if if you're afraid that my brother John taking my mom to an appointment, we're not gonna get the correct answers or whatever. Well, then just prep him. Give him the questions, send the questions in advance to the nurse and saying, I can't be there today, but my brother's gonna be there today. Here are the questions or the concerns that we have. Can you address those or can you, you know, send me the notes or put those in the notes? So let these questions or these reflections be kind, be kind of invitations, not pressures that you have to do. Maybe you kind of toss these around and it you take a minute in your journal and journal these out, or you think about them on your walk or whatever you would be, or you put them in your back pocket, and maybe your caregiving life is going really good right now, and you don't have a lot of pressure. Sooner or later, you're gonna need a boundary, and you pull these back out. And so, my just my advice here is choose one gentle boundary to practice. Maybe it's this week, just one. It might be a pause, a no, a request, a time limit. It might be a moment to rest before responding to somebody. Small boundaries, but big self-respect. And big self-respect creates sustainable energy. That's for sure. So I have actually a couple of closings, two closings. So just bear with me. I'm gonna just say one major close, but in my notes, there's like two little parts here. I want you to remember that you are going into this, go you, you go into the week ahead, being the best caregiver that you can be, and you start with caring for yourself. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Go into the week, whatever you want to start your week. If your week starts today on this Tuesday, if you want to wait until next week, go in with the with the mindset. I'm gonna be the best caregiver that I can be, but it has to start with caring for myself. And it's not selfish. And you're doing it in a sustainable way. Maybe it's meal prepping, maybe it's planning your menu, maybe it's planning out, looking at your calendar and seeing where there's blocks of time that you can give to yourself. Because when you protect your energy, your health, and your emotional well-being, you show up with more patience, more clarity, and more love. And I would truly love to hear what boundaries you you're trying this week. And um, I think that's where I'm have two notes here, and they're both the same thing, and I'll get to that in a minute. Um, so um, because we're in it all together. Now, if you're looking for help with boundaries, let's say that this is a good awareness piece, but I need to dig further. If you go back to episode 197 in the Caregiver Cup podcast, I have navigate uh a podcast episode navigating boundaries from why to how in a caregiving communication. It's a great companion for this episode, so that you can go ahead and do that. Um, and then also I want to hear from you. And if this episode spoke to you, if it gave you something to think about, if it helped you feel a little ease or less alone, I'm happy for you. What you can do for me is click on that text link and tell me maybe what boundary you're doing, or maybe it's one of the reflection questions, or maybe it's when I feel this during this time, I choose, I I need this. Maybe it's going ahead and saying, you know, when I when I'm sitting in my car running errands, and my loved one calls in a panic because they can't find something, I need this. And I need to go ahead and stay calm. And you you know that you need to have some discussion with your loved one because you can't be in two places at one time. Uh, just like that's why I love these text messages because I got one this morning from Kathy in Massachusetts, and it says, and it's funny because we're both Kathy. She said, Hi, Kathy, it's Kathy. Your podcast today was great. It gave me a lot to think about. I've really I recently stopped watching the news and doom scrolling on my phone. What a huge difference it made. I know also, I now also make sure I go to mass each week and I've been setting up lunch dates with my close friends. What a difference. Sending you hugs and prayers. I love hearing somebody that's creating a rhythm, doing caregiving their way. And now look at these boundaries that she is setting because she probably noticed, and Kathy, I'm just just assuming, when she's feeling lonely because she's isolated caring for her loved one, when she sets up lunch dates with her friends, it recharges her battery. Isn't that beautiful? You know, that's what happens when caregivers, caregivers start protecting their energy and setting boundaries and choosing what supports them. And I would love to hear your story. What are you shifting? What boundaries are you trying? What rhythms or habits is helping you feel more like yourself? So click that. There's a link that says text Kathy in the show notes and you can go ahead and send it. Now, again, I don't know who you are. So all I get is like a little bit of the four last digits of your cell phone just to kind of know where your cell phone is located. So that's why Kathy told me it's Kathy. So I was able to recognize her. Now, if you want to be anonymous, that's perfectly fine. But remember, you don't have to do this alone. We are walking this path together in each and every episode that I record here. So next week, let me see. Next week we'll have a short bonus episode. What I want to use this episode for is to reset to help you ground yourself and rechart. I want to go back and review the rhythm. I want to talk more about boundaries so that you're continuing to think about these and kind of melting these two together before then we move into the next pieces. So next week will be a little bit shorter, but it'll be just as impactful. So you take care, my friend. And remember, you know, caregiving is the hardest job in the world. But it also has to be one that we focus on when we think about ourselves and figuring out ways how we can caregive, caregive in a way that suits us best. So you take care and we'll see you again, or we'll talk to you again next week. Bye for now.